Tag Archives: Growth

Steps 4 & 5: Composting Our Emotional Debris

August 16, 2018Metaphor, Working the ProgramFear, Growth, Humility, Inventory, Letting Go, Sponsorship, Step-4, Step-5, WritingMira Daniels

Planting in compost Sometimes we just need to take a good hard look at our past, learn from it and let it go. In the 12 Step program this usually takes place in Steps 4 and 5, when we write a searching and fearless moral inventory and share it with God, ourselves, and another person. We list the people, institutions, etc. towards whom we feel resentment, guilt or shame. We figuratively sweep out the root cellar of our hearts and minds, looking for stray items left behind to rot. To the best of our ability we clean house and let go of anything that is holding us back.

We list positive memories in the Step 4 inventory—those that are uplifting, enlightening or comforting—and the gifts, talents and skills we find. We examine and explore how we can use them to bless ourselves and others.

The rotten stuff we gather up and take to the emotional compost pile. As we write the inventory we let ourselves remember each incident: what happened, who was affected, how it affected us. We look for patterns of negative behavior to find the underlying causes and conditions leading to the choices we make today. Then, in Step 5 we turn it over to God and another person and let it go.

It takes humility and courage to overcome our fear of closely examining our pasts. Watered by our tears, the rotten fruit—the emotional debris—is changed into life-giving compost. We no longer need to agonize over the individual incidents in our inventory, or feelings of resentment, guilt or shame. Our memories and experiences can, with the help of the Lord, blend together and become fertile ground in which He plants the seeds of future accomplishment and contribution. In this way He consecrates our afflictions for our good. (See 2 Nephi 2:2)

One Example

One of my sponsees has had a very difficult life, starting with repeated childhood sexual abuse and neglect. To survive her life of continual trauma she developed several dysfunctional coping mechanisms including an eating disorder and other forms of self harm. After decades of these behaviors, with the help of the Lord she found abstinence from her eating disorder. She is now using the 12 Steps to overcome her other addictions. This woman is immersing herself in Steps 4 and 5 with great humility and commitment, even though it hurts to examine her very difficult past. She writes in her inventory every day and shares with me what she has written.

How has her “emotional compost” led to growth and joy? She is recognizing her need for boundaries and learning to set them. Every time she does so, it is a victory for her. She is learning to recognize anxiety when it starts. She is learning to deliberately choose alternative behaviors – healthy behaviors – to cope with it. She is learning to relate to her husband with a new, more spiritually mature love. She is teaching me how to help others with a background of complex post traumatic stress.

God is using her emotional debris to create a rich, nourishing medium for growth: hers, mine, and all the others we each work with through this inspired 12 Step program.

Write about how God can consecrate your affliction for good if you are willing to examine your past and turn it over to Him.
Are you willing to do a “searching and fearless moral inventory”?
What are you willing to do today to get started?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Don’t just pull weeds, plant grass!

October 5, 2017MetaphorChange, GrowthMira Daniels

I once lived in a house with a lawn of weeds. If I regularly mowed the weeds, keeping the lawn very short, it looked more or less green. But if I missed a mowing and let it grow at all, it became obvious to me, and to the neighbors, that my lawn was mostly weeds. Some of the weeds were benign—clover, for example. Others, like crabgrass and dandelions, were insidious, spreading quickly and easily getting out of control. How much nicer it would have been to have a lush green lawn consisting entirely of grass! I could have let it grow longer, enjoying both the way it looked and the way it felt to my bare feet, if I had been willing to do the work to remove the weeds and plant and nurture the grass.

Our lives are like the lawn. We may be living in denial, trying to hide our shortcomings, keeping them “in check,” so no one will know—even ourselves. But if an unexpected challenge occurs in our lives, we lose control and they quickly become obvious. Some of the shortcomings might be benign, not really affecting our quality of life too much, but others may quickly become unmanageable, seriously affecting our lives and our loved ones. How much better would it be to work with the Lord to remove the shortcomings and develop Christlike qualities that would then help us face challenges more successfully in the future?

Elder Bruce C. Hafen shared this metaphor in April 2004 General Conference:

“We grow in two ways—removing negative weeds and cultivating positive flowers. The Savior’s grace blesses both parts—if we do our part. First and repeatedly we must uproot the weeds of sin and bad choices. It isn’t enough just to mow the weeds. Yank them out by the roots, repenting fully to satisfy the conditions of mercy. But being forgiven is only part of our growth. We are not just paying a debt. Our purpose is to become celestial beings. So once we’ve cleared our heartland, we must continually plant, weed, and nourish the seeds of divine qualities. And then as our sweat and discipline stretch us to meet His gifts, ‘the flow’rs of grace appear,’ like hope and meekness.” (Bruce C. Hafen, “The Atonement:All for All,” Ensign, May 2004)

The interesting thing about letting the grass grow is that when the lawn is thick and healthy, the longer grass actually chokes out weed seedlings and keeps them from getting established. Of course, to keep it that way does require feeding, watering, and immediate removal of any weeds that do begin to grow.

Using the Steps to Pull the Weeds and Plant Grass

In our lives, we can choose to accept the Savior’s grace and help (steps 1-3) to identify our shortcomings (step 4 inventory). We can do the work of repentance (steps 5-10) to remove them. But that is not enough. Nature abhors a vacuum. If I pulled all the weeds out of my lawn but didn’t plant good grass seed I would quickly develop a new crop of weeds. We must plant the seeds of healthy habits and Christ-like attributes and nurture them through daily prayer, scripture study, personal revelation (step 11), service (step 12) and obedience.

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Stop Wearing Body Armor

February 26, 2017MetaphorChange, Fear, Growth, Letting Go, TrustMira Daniels

Underwater body armor Sometimes, even as early as childhood, we are given “gifts” that do us more harm than good. Sometimes they are given to us quite on purpose by loving but misguided people who think they are “doing it for our own good.” At other times these “gifts” are given to us by dysfunctional people who are, deliberately or unwittingly, trying to manipulate us so that they can get their own needs met. The unwelcome gifts I am talking about are things like fear, low self-esteem or self confidence, feelings of lack of worthiness, of never being “good enough” to please a parent or loved one.

If we continue to hold onto these unwelcome “gifts,” to believe these false ideas and act in harmony with them, we cannot reach our full God-given potential. Be assured that these feelings do not come from God.

Imagine that these feelings are like clothing. We open the box and try them on. We may wear them for a very long time, but we are capable of taking them off, putting them aside and choosing something else to wear.

At their most destructive this clothing is like a suit of body armor. It will protect us from being hurt. But it is very heavy and it saps our energy to wear it. We may not be vulnerable to the arrows or bullets that may come our way, but we also cannot run or jump or dance while we wear it. It severely limits our freedom to explore our world, find our talents, experience joy.

Imagine that we are living on the seashore. As we “go out into the world” we walk into the ocean. Free of the body armor, we can swim. We can hear loving voices calling to us and see the light of the lighthouse so that even if we venture out into deep water, we can find our way home. Wearing the body armor, we quickly find ourselves under water, feet firmly planted on the ocean floor. Our Rescuer sits in a rowboat over our heads, holding a tube down to us so that we can breathe. We gulp the air from the tube, feeling like the world is a very hard place to live. We cannot hear clearly. We cannot see clearly. We cannot move quickly or easily. We may be developing very strong muscles as we fight to live under the water in this way, wearing the armor that is weighing us down, but at what price?

Take off the armor! Let it go! Even if it was a gift from someone you love, it is causing you to drown! Will taking it off make you vulnerable? Possibly, but you will shoot to the surface, be able to breathe deeply and fully and freely. You will hear the voices of Love and Truth clearly calling to you. The Rescuer will help you into the boat and carry you safely to shore. He will protect you and heal you when you get hurt. You will be able to swim, to run, to laugh, to play, to experience joy and fulfillment. These are gifts that are far more valuable than the suffocating “protection” of the body armor. Let go of fear. Trust the Rescuer to protect you.

What feeling, thought or ideas are weighing you down that you can take off and let go of?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Weakness, Shortcoming or Defect?

November 13, 2016Working the ProgramChange, Discouragement, Growth, Perfectionism, Potential, Step-6, Step-7, WeaknessMira Daniels

I recently heard this in an ARP meeting: if we are creations of God, an omnipotent and perfect Being, then we cannot be defective. That would seem to be an obvious truth. But neither are we perfect. We know this is true also. We have been given weakness by God.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27)

How? How do weak things become strong unto us? We must learn to come unto Christ, humbly allow Him to show forth His power in our lives, and become like Him. Paul describes it this way:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Perfection through Weakness

We have shortcomings. Christ has asked us to become perfect (see Matthew 5:48). What does He mean by that, if He, Himself, has given unto us weakness? According to Russell M. Nelson, in this scripture, “the term perfect was translated from the Greek teleios, which means “complete.” (“Pending Perfection,” October 1995 conference.) Elder Nelson goes on to describe in detail how this term is used and what kind of perfection (or “completeness”) we can and should seek in this mortal life. I recommend reading the entire talk.

How should we go about seeking perfection? Most of us cringe when we see our weaknesses and shortcomings. Sometimes we try to hide them from ourselves and those around us. Other times we beat ourselves up for our lack of perfection, and allow Satan to convince us that somehow we are too broken, too imperfect. That we truly are defective and that there is no hope for us.

We need to put those thoughts and voices behind us and turn to Christ, seeking His omnipotent strength and love, and allow His power to rest upon us, as Paul says.

We finally abandoned the idea that we could become perfect by ourselves, and we accepted the truth that God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him. (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, p.41)

You may not yet be perfect, but you are not defective. You are a beloved son or daughter of God, created by Him and given the full potential to become like Him. Regardless of what your life looks like now or was like in the past, as you turn to Christ in your weakness, and take His yoke upon you, His strength and power will rest upon you and you will become like Him. It will take time. Be patient and diligent. Walk in faith. It will happen.

I testify that this is true.

Are you willing to acknowledge your weakness and recognize that you, including your weaknesses, were created by God?
Write about your weakness and your willingness to be perfected in Him.
What can you do today to demonstrate your willingness?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Low-hanging Spiritual Fruit

June 3, 2016MetaphorGrowth, Inventory, Letting Go, Step-4, Step-6, Willingness, WritingMira Daniels

God has created us in His image. He has given us divine potential or “spiritual fruit”: gifts and talents we can discover and develop throughout our lives. Sometimes they are apparent and obvious. From a very young age we can begin to develop and enjoy them. Others are obscured; hidden beneath shortcomings only to be freed and discerned as we become willing to turn to the Lord for help in letting go of and overcoming weakness.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27 emphasis added)

Suppose when we are born we each have our very own spiritual fruit tree—let’s say it is an orange tree. Each orange represents a strength, gift or talent. The low-hanging fruit is easy to pick, even for a small child. We must remove the peel which encases the sweet, delicious orange full of vitamins and goodness. That requires some work. As soon as we become aware that it is there, and someone teaches us how to pick and peel it we can eat the spiritual fruit and grow stronger and more capable.

A new baby is too weak to roll over or sit up alone. But as loving parents nurture and feed the child s/he grows stronger and through determined effort learns to sit, crawl, walk, run and climb. The capabilities of the miraculous body created for this child develop and strengthen as s/he works at those skills, too young to be afraid of failure or hard work. The youngster develops spiritually as well as physically, developing wonder, faith, gratitude and a sense of sacred awe.

At some point, we will have picked and eaten all of the low-hanging fruit, but there is still more on our tree. The higher fruit is more difficult to see and reach. We might need to climb the tree or get a ladder. Climbing, stretching and reaching may be outside of our comfort zone. We may feel scared and off balance. But the Lord holds the ladder and stands beneath the tree prepared to catch us if we fall. If we listen, He tells us where to reach and how to obtain the spiritual fruit. But He won’t pick or peel it for us.

As we mature into adulthood we develop fears and bad habits that keep us from exploring and finding more gifts, talents and strengths. If we focus on the ground and don’t look up at the beautiful tree, we may not even realize there is more fruit. Writing an inventory of our shortcomings and weaknesses helps us spot the spiritual fruit. We may not have any idea what wonderful gift lies within the rough, ugly peel, but we can turn to the Lord for help in becoming willing to do the work necessary to obtain the fruit, remove the shortcoming that encases it, and allow Him to replace the weakness with strength.

What spiritual fruit have you already picked?
What is stopping you from picking more?
What will you do today to spot and reach for more?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

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Progress – Climbing the Mountain

May 20, 2016MetaphorDiscouragement, Growth, ProgressMira Daniels

It seems like I have been trudging forever. I just want to get to my destination for some much deserved rest. In front of me is a mountain, impeding my progress. There is a path, but I don’t want to climb this mountain. I’m exhausted. To the right and the left are woods. Maybe if I walk through the woods I will be able to find a way around the mountain.

I walk through the woods for miles, looking for a shortcut. I’m hungry and lost. I have covered lots of ground. Nevertheless, I have not made any progress. I’m no closer to getting to the other side of the mountain than I was when I was first standing in front of it.

I would have been better off if I had used the time and energy to just go over the mountain. It doesn’t matter how fast I climb it. It is not a race. What matters is that I make progress. I may need to take the mountain slowly and rest between steps. I may need to ask the Lord to walk by my side, so that I have His help and strength to enable me to do what I cannot do by myself. But one step up the mountain leads to another and another. Ten steps. Fifteen. Who knows, perhaps there will be a great view, beautiful flowers and a clear fresh spring of water along the way! Regardless, eventually I can get over the mountain and to my destination, if I stop wandering in the woods looking for an easier way.

Robert Frost said, “The best way out is always through.” (A Servant to Servants)

In the case of my mountain, the best way to get to the other side is just to climb it.

What mountain are you facing in your life?
What have you done to avoid climbing it?
What will you do today to help you resume your forward progress?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

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Step 7: Overcoming Limitations

May 13, 2016Working the ProgramGrowth, Step-7Mira Daniels

In Step 7 of A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, (p. 41), there are three sentences that, when taken together, help us acknowledge and learn the only effective way to remove our limitations.

“Genuine remorse filled our hearts, not only because we had suffered or made others suffer but because we regretted that even in recovery we still could not remove our own shortcomings…”

“We had to surrender every particle of self-sufficient pride and admit that our efforts to save ourselves had been insufficient…”

“We finally abandoned the idea that we could become perfect by ourselves, and we accepted the truth that God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him.” (emphasis added)

We cannot remove our own limitations. We can turn to Christ, humbly acknowledge both our shortcomings and our inability to eliminate them and be perfected in Him and by Him.

This important truth comes at a pivotal time in working the Steps. Steps 1-6 are essentially introspective. In these steps we examine ourselves and come to know, accept and understand the reality of who we are, our past behavior and our relationship with the Lord. In Steps 8-12, with the Lord’s help, we do our best to right past wrongs and become the person He created us to be. Step 7 is the fulcrum of the see-saw; the point at which the balance shifts. It is in this step that we learn to adopt true humility, understand and accept our limitations, and ask the Lord for His help with those things we cannot do for ourselves.

We cannot remove our own shortcomings

I certainly tried to remove my own shortcomings. I thought that was what I was supposed to do! Long time readers know that keeping my desk organized is something I have struggled with. A quick glance at a nearby bookshelf turns up 7 books on how to get organized. There have been times when I tried very hard to implement those systems. At other times I put lots of thought and effort into coming up with my own system. None of this feverish activity has resulted in a permanent change. This limitation is a thorn in my side that could stay with me forever.

We can turn to Christ

I am slowly learning how to lean upon the Lord and apply the principles He has taught me in the past to remaining shortcomings, such as my organizational challenges. I am not content with my progress. But I know now, that it is only through Him that I am going to overcome this limitation.

Humbly acknowledge our limitations

It is actually a relief to me to admit that this is something that I cannot figure out and overcome myself. I feel like I have spent years banging my head against the wall and have finally stopped. It is not that I will be satisfied with the mess. Rather, I need to continually seek His guidance, one day at a time. The critical component that is my responsibility is to diligently ask and willingly receive His guidance, and act upon it promptly when I do.

Be perfected in Him and by Him

The scriptures tell me that I must become perfect, or complete, even as the Lord is. I can be neither without Him. As I become one with Him, I can become perfect in Him. If I add one drop of ink to a small glass of water it will become cloudy. If I add one drop of ink to the Caribbean Sea it will still be clear and blue and stunningly beautiful. As I become one with the Lord, together we are perfect. It is because of His perfection, not mine.

Have you humbly acknowledged your limitations? What are they?
What have you done to become one with Him and be perfected in Him?
What will you do today to take a step forward?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Creating a Nurturing Environment

April 6, 2016MetaphorChange, Environment, GrowthMira Daniels

I love hydrangeas. They feel fluffy and soft and happy to me. I especially like pink and blue ones. I once lived in a townhouse that had a small front yard. I decided to plant hydrangea bushes – one pink and one blue. Imagine my surprise when I went to the plant nursery and they told me that the hydrangea bush could bear either pink blossoms or blue ones depending upon the acidity of the soil! If I wanted the flowers to be blue, I needed to amend the soil around that bush to lower the pH, and if I wanted them to be pink I needed to give them soil with a higher pH. But either way, I needed to make sure they had a good environment to live in with appropriate amounts of water and nutrients and light and space to grow.

Recently I was pondering how we are like hydrangea bushes. God created us perfectly. If our life isn’t pretty, it is not because we are basically flawed and need to be plucked up and cast into the fire. The environment we live in – both the external environment and the environment within our hearts and minds – has nurtured and produced the fruit and flowers we currently bear. Modifying that environment can change the way in which we blossom.

External Environment

Just like we can pull the weeds that steal nutrients and water in our gardens, we may find that we need to eliminate certain things from the environment we live in. This may include certain influences that come from the media, certain beverages or foods that are bad for us or trigger us to eat in unhealthy ways, or anything non-essential that we turn to in moments of stress instead of turning to the Lord. We may even need to eliminate toxic relationships from our lives and learn to modify the way we relate to others in ways that will make the garden of our lives more beautiful and fragrant.

If we are planted in soil that is truly dry and barren, surrounded by weeds that greedily claim the little bit of water and nutrients available, we may struggle to bear any fruit or flowers at all. In such extreme cases we may need to actually transplant ourselves to a more hospitable garden – someplace where there is fertile ground and plenty of rain and people to tend the garden. Some people find that their old friends, neighborhoods and sometimes even family members are so unable to provide the caring and nurturing they need to bloom that it is impossible to improve their environment and they just need to leave it behind and find a new community. These people may need to cut ties to those who suck the life out of them even if it hurts. Fortunately this is not often required.

Internal Environment

To blossom as fully as we possibly can, we can pull the weeds and nourish and amend the internal soil of our minds and hearts. We can eliminate activities and thoughts that drag us down. We can read scriptures, study program literature, write, pray, listen to uplifting music and associate with others who are on the same path to recovery. We can work the Steps with humility and do our best to learn from others who have overcome the same challenges we have and are willing to show us how they did it.

How satisfied are you with your current crop of fruit and flowers?
What can you do to improve both your internal and external environments?
What are you willing to do today?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Willingness to Become Willing

March 24, 2016Working the ProgramChange, Growth, Prayer, Temptation, WillingnessMira Daniels

When I first began the journey of overcoming my food addiction, I attended 12-Step meetings, read the literature between meetings and talked to my sponsor, but I told her right up front, “I am not yet willing to change anything about the way I eat.” After about 6 months of “working” the steps, I received a gift from the Lord, a tiny little bit of willingness. I wasn’t ready to change the way I ate yet, but I found the willingness to start recording what I was eating.

I didn’t report it to anyone. I didn’t plan what I was going to eat. I didn’t swear off any trigger foods. I just started writing down what I ate, after the fact. And I started losing weight! I discovered that I had a tendency to grab something to eat every time I walked through the kitchen. I had no idea! I started to lose weight because when I found myself about to grab something, I realized that I didn’t really want it badly enough to write it down. ?

Eventually I became willing to start planning my food, and eat according to my plan; more or less. (I can be stubborn!) I realized after a while that if I would stop and ask the Lord for the willingness to say no to myself when I was about to eat something inappropriate, He would give me that willingness! It was amazing. But this introduced a new problem. Sometimes I didn’t want to ask for willingness because I knew that He would give it to me, and I wanted the food more than I wanted the willingness to abstain from it!

I heard someone say in a meeting that if she wasn’t willing to pray for willingness then she prayed for the willingness to become willing. I tried it. It worked! I don’t know why I should be so surprised. He often grants our righteous petitions, and I know He wants me to be living in a state of recovery. Willingness to change my behavior is a condition of learning to live in a state of recovery.

Is there something you are not yet willing to do that you know will help you on your recovery? What?
Are you willing to pray for willingness? If not, are you willing to pray for the willingness to become willing?
What will you do today to become willing to take another step on your journey of recovery?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Creating the Fabric of Life – Checking the Pattern

March 16, 2016Metaphor, Working the ProgramGrowth, Inventory, Meetings, Pattern, Step-10Mira Daniels

As I crochet, I frequently look back at my work. It gives me pleasure to watch the fabric grow, stitch by stitch, row by row. Sometimes I notice that I made a mistake. I messed up the pattern or missed a stitch. Because I look back regularly, I rarely have to rip very far to fix the errors. But occasionally I do notice something I somehow missed in a previous row. Then I have a decision to make. I can rip out everything I have done since, and fix the error, or I can accept that it is part of my fabric and let it go.

It occurred to me the other day that this is very much like living in a state of recovery. I check my life regularly (daily inventory – Step 10), looking back from time to time during the day. If I messed up I can fix it pretty easily. Even better, if I pay attention to the pattern and mindfully try to execute it to the best of my ability as I go along, I have less to fix! Occasionally my eyes are opened and I see a flaw that may have happened some time ago. Generally, this is harder to repair than something that happened today. I may have to use steps 4 through 9 to deal with that kind of mistake or shortcoming.

I am so glad to have the steps to help me improve/repair my life and my relationships. However, even if I do use those tools, I may not be able to completely erase the problem. I do the best I can and then accept that what remains is part of the fabric of my life. I let it go.

Sometimes when I am looking for a new crochet project I find a pattern that looks awesome, but difficult. It may use stitches that are new to me or the instructions may not be clear to me when I read them. I re-read the pattern several times. I try to follow the directions. Sometimes I get pretty far into it before I figure out that I must be doing something wrong because it isn’t turning out like the picture. I could just give up. That has happened. But if it is important to me, if I just feel called to make that pattern, there is help available. Sometimes there is someone at a yarn shop who can help me figure out the directions. I can post in an online group asking for help from someone who has already made that pattern. With email and websites I can contact the person who designed the pattern to get their help in figuring out what I am doing wrong and get on the right track.

The same process occurs in the creation of the fabric of my life. From time to time I feel inspired to try something new, different, and perhaps difficult. If it doesn’t go well, despite my best efforts, I could give up. That has happened. But if it is important to me, if I just feel called to do it, there is help available. I can talk to my Bishop or my sponsor. I can attend a 12-Step meeting and ask others with recovery for their ideas. And most importantly, I can reach out to the Designer of my life, my Savior, and ask for His help in figuring out what I am doing wrong and how to get on the right track.

What do you do to monitor the fabric of your life and make corrections quickly?
Write about how you can apply this metaphor to your life.
What are you willing to do today to clean up your mistakes as you go or repair a mistake from your past?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Read to Learn; Write to Grow

January 6, 2016Tools, Working the ProgramGrowth, Literature, WritingMira Daniels

As I work on my recovery, I learn so much from reading. This includes 12-Step program literature, scriptures, spiritually uplifting talks by Church leaders, books and other sources. I get new ideas, see things I may not have seen before and gain understanding. I learn new tips and techniques for dealing with temptation or stress. I find metaphors that help me make sense of my own strengths and shortcomings and the journey I am on. I learn about the program and about the recovery process.

Nevertheless, most of this happens in my head, not my heart. Reading about it does not make it a part of me.

We have long been counseled by our Church leaders to keep a journal. There are many different kinds of journal writing. Some people primarily record the events of their lives. Others share their deepest feelings, hopes and dreams. No matter what kind of writing you do, and whether you write in a journal or notebook or on a computer, I have found that writing accesses a different part of your brain than pondering or speaking.

When I write, I explore how the things I am learning apply to me; to my life. When I write I find new understanding and practical application of what I have read or heard. I get ideas about how I want to implement these concepts and practices in my life. I make commitments to myself and to God about what I am willing to do today, and start conceptualizing what my life could look like in the future as I become willing to apply more and more of what I have learned.

As I write I report on my progress; report both to myself and to the Lord. I look back at what I have written in the past and see proof of it. As I work to articulate my feelings and my observations I gain keener insight into them and synthesize new ideas I did not even have when I sat down to write.

I am grateful for all that has been written by others; for the raw materials I find there. I am even more grateful for the ability and opportunity to write for myself and co-create the new me with God, starting with who I am today and using those raw materials to become more of what He has given me the potential to be.

I read to learn. I write to grow.

How do you use the tool of writing?
How does/could writing help you to grow?
What are you willing to do today to use writing to co-create the new you with God?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Some Patterns Cause Us to Stumble, Others Help Us Build

November 25, 2015Working the ProgramAbstinence, Change, Growth, Meetings, Pattern, Plan, Prayer, Progress, Structure, WritingMira Daniels

I have been working the 12 Steps since 1999. I actually started going to meetings in 1991, but didn’t get a sponsor and start working the program for eight years. Even in those early years, as I went to meetings week after week, I heard people talk about what helped them find sobriety and serenity, and what caused them to stumble. As I have listened to others, and as I have worked the Steps myself, I have gained an understanding of the importance of looking for patterns – patterns that help me grow as well as patterns that undermine my recovery. I have learned to look for them, analyze them, and use them to my advantage.

Patterns in Practice

The first time I became aware of the importance of a pattern was when I finally became willing to start recording the food I ate. It was the first change I became willing to make in my life as a result of my participation in the 12 Step program. I wasn’t willing to change how I ate at that point or tell anyone else what I was eating, and I certainly wasn’t willing to plan my food, but I decided that I was willing to record what I was eating.

Two things began to happen when I started to collect data on what I was eating. First of all, I started to lose weight. Why? Because I found that I had been eating mindlessly – picking up a handful of something every time I passed through the kitchen. When I committed to writing down every bite that went into my mouth, I discovered that some of the food I had been eating just wasn’t worth the effort it took to write it down! So the mindless snacking was cut way back.

The second thing was that I started to notice patterns. I could eat lunch on one day, and eat a different lunch the next day, both of which contained approximately the same number of servings from the same food groups, and find that I was satisfied when I finished one lunch but still wanted to eat more after I finished the other. As I continued to record what I ate, a pattern emerged. My satisfaction level was controlled not simply by how much I ate, or what kinds of foods I ate. The most important factor in determining whether I would be satisfied was texture – specifically crunch! If I didn’t get enough crunch in a meal, I wanted to continue eating. As soon as I came to that realization, I started keeping crunchy foods in the house and I found that I could eat less, be satisfied, and lose more weight!

Looking for patterns in an inventory

One of the objectives I have when receiving someone’s 5^th step inventory, is to help them identify a list of shortcomings and character defects they can use as input to Step 6. As I listen to the person share their inventory, I make note of patterns I hear. Are they using certain words repeatedly? Does the same kind of thing keep happening to them? These patterns usually point to a shortcoming or character defect that I jot down. When they are done sharing their inventory I ask them to look back over it and identify any patterns they can find, and come up with their own list of shortcomings. Then we compare lists and talk about what they think they need to become willing to turn over to God as they embark on Step 6.

Dailies

The use of patterns I mentioned so far is for taking a look at past behavior and understanding it better. Patterns can also help us create healthier and more effective ways of living. In the program I often hear people talk about “the dailies.” This is a set of activities they do every day to help them maintain sobriety and happiness. Here are some of the dailies that help me live a life of recovery:

Scripture Study

At one time in my life I heard people talk about the importance of daily scripture study. I just couldn’t seem to find time to do it. Finally, I made a decision to get up before my children, very early in the morning, and try to establish a pattern of daily scripture study and prayer. I was successful and it made a big difference in my life.

Prayer

I try to write my morning prayer every day. That is a part of my “dailies.” Written prayer helps me “tune in” to the right frequency to connect with the Lord all day long.

Exercise

My husband and I walk each morning. It is good for our health and good for our relationship. It also gets our day off to a good start. This is a pattern that helps me in my life.

Long-time readers will know that I believe structure is a very important aspect of living a sober and successful life. Collecting data to analyze and looking for self-limiting patterns helps me to identify things I need to change. Establishing recovery-promoting patterns helps me put a framework in place to allow the Lord to change me from within so that I can live my best life.

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Working One Step at a Time, Tools: Quality Prayer, Structure: Like a Kite String, Tuning In

Spiritual Metamorphosis

May 20, 2015MetaphorChange, Growth, Progress, Step-4, Step-5, Step-6, Step-7, Step-8, Step-9Mira Daniels

Monarch caterpillar, chrysalis and butterfly image. — Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

During its lifetime a Monarch butterfly goes through four stages. First it is an egg which must develop and eventually hatch. When it hatches, the Monarch is a caterpillar. It is very busy during this brief time of its life, eating as much as once or twice its weight in leaves every day and growing rapidly. In fact, it must shed its skin and develop a new one several times during this stage. Then it encloses itself in a chrysalis and seems to be resting. Actually, during this third stage of its life it is undergoing a remarkable transformation called metamorphosis, in which it is being made into a totally new creature. No longer will it look like a striped worm with many legs. It will emerge as a delicate, colorful butterfly. When it first breaks out of the chrysalis its wings are still weak and wet. It spends several hours fluttering them to dry and strengthen them. Finally ready, it fulfills its full potential, living the remainder of its life as a beautiful butterfly.

We, too, go through several stages on our journey of spiritual growth and development. At first we are like the butterfly eggs in our spiritual immaturity. At some point in our spiritual youth (which may be in adulthood, depending upon when we experience conversion) we gain understanding and accountability and are spiritually born, like the eggs hatch. This may or may not happen when we are baptized.

For some period of time we live as caterpillars, focusing almost exclusively on satisfying our appetites. Some of us get stuck in this phase of our lives, and don’t develop spiritual maturity due to our addictions. A recovery program can help us get unstuck.

As we work the 12 Step program we become more spiritually aware through the first three steps. This phase of our spiritual lives can be compared to the caterpillar stage of the Monarch’s life. We may shed old or immature beliefs like the caterpillar sheds its old skin to make room for our spiritual development, but we still look pretty much like a caterpillar.

When we get to step 4 we begin a period of in depth introspection and inventorying of our past. This is kind of like entering the chrysalis stage of our lives. Giving away our inventories in Step 5, identifying our shortcomings and becoming willing to ask God to remove them (Step 6) clears the way for us to be completely changed by the Lord, right down to receiving a new heart (Step 7).

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh Ezekiel 36:26

In Steps 8 and 9 we complete the spiritual metamorphosis as we shed resentments, guilt and shame and make restitution and amends for all of our previous mistakes, misdeeds and sins. We emerge from this process cleansed and ready to live a new life in the maintenance steps (10, 11 and 12) using the structure of these steps to “flutter our wings” and become spiritually strong and independent, be delivered from the bondage of our addictions, and have the maturity to serve others and share what we have learned in our own journey.

Where are you in your emotional and spiritual journey?
Write about your experience using the metaphor of the monarch, comparing your spiritual metamorphosis to the butterfly’s life.
What will you do today to move forward in spiritual maturity?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Do the Work – Claim What is Yours

March 25, 2015Journal EntryGrowth, Potential, Progress, WorkMira Daniels

Good morning, my sweet daughter. I love you. You are precious unto me. You can have a good and productive day today; it is your choice. Make a decision and a commitment that you will do it, and follow through. I will give you the power to do it, but you must choose to use it.

I love you more than you can comprehend. Fear nothing. You are a beloved and blessed daughter of God; a child of Royalty. If you can imagine it and are willing to work for it, you can accomplish it, whatever it is. Would you like to publish a series of books? Do the work. Would you like to be on the speaking circuit? Do the work. Would you like to have a comfortable retirement? Do the work. Would you like to have a great marriage? Do the work. Would you like to have a great relationship with your children? Do the work.

These are all righteous desires of your heart. I will give you the power to do and accomplish them, because you walk in faith and these righteous desires of your heart are expedient unto me (Moroni 7:33), but you must do the work. I will not give these things to you on a silver platter; then they would be meaningless to you. You must do the work in order to appreciate the value and effort that go into accomplishing them. But all the effort in the world would not help you reach these goals without the enabling power of the Atonement which I give unto you because you walk in faith and ask for it.

I love you infinitely more than you can comprehend. All that I have is yours. Claim it.

Fear not. Go in peace. All will be well. Amen.

What are the righteous desires of your heart?
Have you asked the Lord if these desires are expedient unto Him?
What is the work you must do to achieve them?
Have you asked the Lord to give you His power, the power of the Atonement, to help you achieve your goals?
What will you do today to begin to claim what is yours?

(Note: Click here to learn more about my prayer journal.)

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Improvement under Pressure

January 14, 2015MetaphorChange, Growth, LoveMira Daniels

I have always enjoyed the physical act of writing. Since childhood I have particularly enjoyed writing with a fountain pen. Good fountain pens are pretty expensive, but I love the feel of the ink smoothly flowing on the paper. I own two of them right now, and use them to write my morning prayers. One has a blue barrel and silver cap and is filled with blue-black ink. I use that one for my letter to God. The other has a gold barrel and cap and is filled with black ink. That one I use for His letter to me. The blue pen was a gift from my children, so it has sentimental value to me.

The blue pen never worked consistently well. It skipped and often felt dry as I wrote. I tried cleaning it. That made it worse. I actually talked to the Lord about that pen. I asked Him to help me figure out how to get it adjusted so that it would glide across the paper without effort as I express my love and gratitude and the desires of my heart to Him. I could not find a pen shop nearby where there might be a pen guru to work magic on it. I was reluctant to send it off to the repair facility and wait weeks to get it back and hope it was adjusted just right. I considered just setting it aside and getting a new pen, but between the cost and the sentimental value, I didn’t. I just kept limping along wishing it worked better.

Last week it occurred to me to look online for information. I discovered a number of websites with fountain pen tuning instructions. After spending an hour searching and reading, I found exactly what I needed and decided to try it. I chose a straightforward method, but I was concerned about ruining the nib. The directions were to press down hard on the paper – hard enough to bend the nib slightly. But how was I to know how hard was hard enough? I got up the courage and did it. It worked!

As I was writing my prayer yesterday morning, the ink flowing freely and beautifully as my gratitude and thoughts tumbled out onto the page, I realized that in a certain way, I am like my fountain pen. As a tool in the hand of the Lord, I have worked better at some times than others. At times His love flows freely through me to those around me, helping them to turn to Him and feel His love. At other times – not so much. I suppose there were occasions when He might have even had to use a different servant to get His work done, during times of self-absorption and spiritual deafness.

Rather than discard me, He worked with me and molded me into a more valiant and profitable servant by subjecting me to pressure that I found uncomfortable – even painful at times. I yielded under that pressure, and learned new behaviors and attitudes. Now I am a much better conduit for His love. Does my pen have feelings? If it does, perhaps it feels as I do when I contemplate the work done by the hand of my Master: grateful and joyous at the improvement!

Has the Lord used uncomfortable situations to mold you and improve your usefulness to Him?
In what ways have you changed under that pressure?
Write about your feelings as you think about this.

My 5 Priorities for Living in Recovery

January 9, 2015Working the ProgramAbstinence, Change, GrowthMira Daniels

Covey Time Management Grid for establishing priorities. Sometimes there is so much on my task list that I feel like I will never get caught up. I don’t have all the answers, but I have learned this: there are some things that will always be priorities in my life and other things that will come and go, depending on what season of life I am in.

Stephen Covey developed a 4-box grid to evaluate the importance and urgency of our various activities and assess whether we are spending our time in the most effective way. Determining the true importance of what I am trying to accomplish gives me perspective and helps me to set reasonable expectations of myself. My “fixed” priorities are “Quadrant II” activities: important but not urgent. That makes them easy to put off – with unhappy consequences.

My Relationship with God

Maintaining a close and meaningful relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is a top priority for me. If I sacrifice those relationships because I am “too busy” (with urgent things that may not be very important) I have less power and less ability to meet all the other demands of my life.

Personal Recovery and Walking in Faith

As a recovering addict, I cannot let my abstinence and working my program become low priorities. I have to focus on them every day and always be listening for the promptings of the Spirit. I need to do the footwork the Lord assigns to me in order to stay sane and sober and to be able to do my best in the other important areas of my life.

Marriage and Family

Marriage and family are always high priorities for me, although what that looks like has changed over the years. I make sure that my husband and I spend quality time together, talk to one another about meaningful things, and speak one another’s love language. I try to stay in touch with my adult children and see/video chat with my grandchildren regularly. When I remarried four years ago I had been an empty-nester for 7 years. My new husband had 5 children, including one in elementary school and one teenager. I put thought and effort into building and maintaining relationships with my new children and grandchildren, both those at home and those who are grown.

Church Callings

Magnifying my Church callings in a spirit of love and service is a priority for me. The Lord would not have called me unless he was prepared to give me the power and the time to do the work required. (See Moroni 7:33.) This may include unofficial callings, like family history work, as you feel prompted by the Spirit.

Work and Resource Management

Working to support my family, and/or being a good steward over our family resources needs to be a priority. If I am not a good steward over the temporal resources the Lord provides, I cannot expect others to “cover the slack” for me. This was not always an area of strength in my life, and my husband and I are working very hard to manage our resources wisely.

The Seasons – or – Other Priorities

What about other things? What about travel, hobbies, entertainment, reading, service, friends, and video games? Don’t I get any down time?

Well, how much downtime you get depends on the season of your life. And a lot of those things can be worked into one of the 5 main priorities I have listed above. For example, you may need a getaway, just to nurture your marriage! If I am on top of these 5 things and I still have free time, great! I can do what I want with that time. However, if the important stuff is falling apart – I don’t have time to play.

For example, when I have been actively raising children, and especially while I was also working, I did not have time to do much on the “optional” list. It was my season to focus on the basic 5. Working my program was critical for me at that time because it helped me to be a better parent and raise healthier children. If you don’t put enough time into raising young children they can turn into teenagers who do unwise things to get your attention! I have a responsibility to the Lord and as an example to my children to magnify my callings. I taught my children to love the Lord and serve others by my example, and as I felt prompted to do so I included them whenever possible. And I am teaching my children how to have an eternal family by working on my marriage. Let children observe these things so that they will know what to do when they enter that season themselves.

There will be other seasons of life to develop additional talents and explore other options when parenting isn’t so time consuming. Aren’t you glad you have something to look forward to when you are no longer raising children or working?

I have a vague memory of a Relief Society lesson from many years ago in which former General Relief Society President Barbara Winder was quoted saying that women would comment to her, in awe, about all she had done and accomplished, expressing doubt that they would ever be able to approach her accomplishments. “Yes,” she would say, “I have accomplished all those things, but not all at the same time.”

Look at how you actually spend your time now. What does this analysis tell you about how you prioritize your time right now?
Are these the priorities you think the Lord wants you to have? If not, what needs to change?
Do you trust the Lord to give you the power to do the things He wants you to do?
What are you willing to change about your life to bring your time usage into harmony with the priorities you want to have? Ask the Lord to help you to make these changes.

Learning Life Skills – Your Personal Tutor

January 1, 2015MetaphorChange, Fear, Growth, Step-7Mira Daniels

When I was in college I had to take a year of advanced math. The class met an hour a day, Monday through Friday. I did the best I could in class, paid attention, took detailed notes, and asked questions when I didn’t understand. But I quickly found that when I went home each night I could not do the homework. I spent hours trying to figure it out, reading the book, looking over my notes, to no avail. The next day the instructor moved on to something new — something that required an understanding of the previous day’s material. I was lost, and it was only the first week of class!

I discovered that there was a Math lab, where tutors were available to help, one-on-one. I found that if I went to the lab right after class every day and did the homework with the help of a tutor, I could learn the material and avoid getting behind. Sometimes the tutors had to find a different way of explaining the concepts to me. Other times we had to go over and over things in multiple ways in order for me to grasp the material. It was hard, and frustrating, but I knew that if I didn’t do whatever it took to learn it, it would just be that much more difficult the next day.

I have found the same pattern in my life since I graduated, but I didn’t recognize it right away. I have come to understand that when I need to learn new life skills the Lord will give me as many opportunities as I need to learn them. When I don’t learn from one experience, the Lord gives me another. Sometimes I don’t learn from an experience because, in my pride, I blame others for the circumstances or outcome. Other times I am unwilling to do the work I fear would be necessary to go through an experience so I either work around it or run away from it. There are times when I have needed multiple lessons before I finally have learned a new life skill. When I do master it, I can see how necessary it was for me to learn it! New opportunities open to me. I become a more useful servant to the Lord.

You have a personal tutor who plans your education — individualized and customized to your strengths and weaknesses — for the purpose of teaching you the life skills you will need to ascend to your eternal destiny. If you refuse or fail to learn the skill from one experience you will have as many opportunities as you need to learn it.

Are you tired of facing the same challenges over and over?
How have you reacted to these challenges in the past? Have you run away or blamed others?
How can you embrace the opportunities the Lord is giving you, search for insight regarding the life skills you need to learn from challenging experiences and do the work necessary to master them?
Are you willing to do this? What are you willing to do?

Progress – Climbing through the clouds

December 4, 2014MetaphorDiscouragement, Fear, Growth, ProgressMira Daniels

As we walk the mountain road of life (See Growth: Life is Like a Mountain Road), climbing towards the top, we sometimes encounter a cloud. When we are just starting our journey, still in the valley, the cloud is above us. During the last part of our climb, we break through the cloud and can see the summit clearly, and the surrounding scenery. But while we are climbing through the cloud, we may feel cold, damp, and confused, surrounded by dense fog.

We need to remember that while the cloud is temporary, the mountain is not; neither is the road. We can continue on the path, by putting one foot in front of the other and hugging the mountain so that we don’t accidentally fall off the edge. Another option is to stand still and wait for the cloud to lift. With the help of the Lord we can progress, even if we are scared. (See There is No Darkness in the Presence of the Lord.)

Remember: the cloud is temporary and the Lord is always by your side. (See Help: Encircled about in the Arms of His Love.)

What does the mountain represent to you?
Write about a time that you felt confused and in a fog.
How did you feel when the fog lifted?
If you are in the fog right now, what can you do to continue to make progress despite the fog?

Love: Turn Your Umbrella Upside Down

October 9, 2014MetaphorBlessings, Growth, Love, PotentialMira Daniels

Imagine that you are a gardener. It’s late winter and you excitedly plan your garden. In your mind you can see what it will look like when everything is in full bloom. You can smell the earth and feel it between your fingers. As soon as it is warm enough you get out and turn over the dirt, carefully planting each seed, fertilizing it and tamping down the ground around it. And then, you wait.

Are you going to go out and cover your garden so that the sun can’t shine on it, the rain can’t fall on it and the insects can’t pollinate it? No! You’re grateful for those things that nourish your garden and gently coax the seeds to sprout and help the plants to grow. If there’s not enough rain you carefully water, because you know that without enough water, your garden will wither and die.

God is also a gardener. He carefully planned for each one of us. He eagerly anticipates our blossoming – each of us reaching for the full potential of what we can be. He knows what we need to grow and to bloom. He pours his love out upon us each day in so many ways: in the gentle smile of a stranger, the kind words of a friend, a sincere compliment, the gratitude of someone we have helped, the smell of a baby. He sheds a myriad of tender mercies upon us, things that others might miss, and some might call coincidences: A comforting song on the radio, a whiff of perfume in a crowd that reminds us of someone we once knew, turning on the TV just in time to hear a story that answers a prayer, finding just the right Bible verse, running into an old friend.

Much to God’s dismay, many of us don’t receive the love he pours out on us. It’s like we’re holding up umbrellas that say “I am not worthy” or “That couldn’t be for me”. We allow God’s love to run off the umbrella and fall on the ground instead of soaking it up and blossoming.

He wants us to stand in the rain of his love, look up to the sky, open our mouths and drink it in. We need to turn those umbrellas upside down and catch as much of his love as possible. Then we can gently share his love with those around us who still have their umbrellas up, letting them taste it and helping them to find the courage to peek out from under their own umbrellas and receive it for themselves.

Make Him happy. Receive his love … and share it.

What seeds has God planted in you?
How does he nurture them in your life?
What form does “the rain of his love” take in your life?
Are you using an umbrella that blocks his love from fully nurturing your life?
What are you willing to do to turn your umbrella upside down, catch his love and share it with others?

Persistence – Doing the Footwork

September 27, 2014Working the ProgramChange, Growth, Persistence, Personal-Revelation, Step-7Mira Daniels

Step 7 asks us to humbly petition the Lord to remove our shortcomings. When I first worked through the steps, I had the naive and wildly optimistic hope that, having become willing to allow God to remove all of my character weaknesses in Step 6, when I asked him to remove them in Step 7, they would all magically disappear with a wave of his omnipotent hand. I was sadly disappointed.

I came to understand as I continued to work the steps, that it was a joint effort; there would be footwork for me to do. It was no longer my job to stubbornly try to remove my shortcomings myself through sheer willpower. That much I understood. My new job was to seek humbly and prayerfully for the guidance of the Lord regarding the footwork that I needed to do, and do it.

This quote from U.S. President Calvin Coolidge about persistence filled me with hope then, and still does today.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

I would add one thing to President Coolidge’s thought: we must be pressing on in response to divine guidance.

The adversary does not want us to be persistent, especially not in applying the Atonement in our lives. He wants us to give up. When he can frustrate us enough to make us quit, he is delighted. But he will also accept good intentions delayed indefinitely. I once heard someone say that the Devil doesn’t need to talk a man out of doing something good; all he needs to do is convince him to put it off until tomorrow.

Prayerfully seek guidance on what footwork you need to do to enable the Lord to remove your weaknesses and shortcomings. Ask your sponsor for feedback from personal experience and observation of you. Write about it. Then do the footwork with persistence. Don’t let the adversary discourage you. You will not do it perfectly. It’s okay. Just Don’t Quit!

What weaknesses and shortcomings are you trying to release?
What footwork has the Lord given you to do?
Are you doing the footwork with persistence or do you stop and start?
What are you willing to do to improve in your efforts?