Tag Archives: Resentment

Don’t Fight Pride, Resentment and Fear. Do This Instead.

Gratitude crowding Pride, Resentment, and Fear out of my heart.

During a 12 Step meeting I attended the group was discussing our hopes for learning to live in a state of humility. One man said that humility keeps getting crowded out by pride and resentment in his heart. There was a lively conversation about how to fight pride and resentment.

As I listened, I was reminded of the story of a wise Cherokee grandfather who told his grandson about the two wolves fighting inside his heart—inside every human heart. One was evil and the other good. When the boy asked which wolf would win the battle, his grandfather said, “the one you feed.”

Sometimes fighting the evil actually feeds it. When I work hard to overcome pride and resentment, I am focusing on pride and resentment. The attention I give them feeds them, even if it is negative attention. I judge myself lacking when I dwell on those feelings  which can put me into a cycle of guilt and/or shame.

Nurturing something positive, instead, works better in my experience. As it grows, it will crowd out the resentment and pride, and fear as well.

What is that positive I can focus on? What can I nurture that will swell and grow and leave no room for negative attitudes and feelings? For me it is gratitude. When I fill my heart with gratitude and focus on how grateful I am for the innumerable blessings of my life, it crowds out the tendencies of the natural woman toward fear, pride and resentment. My heart sings with joy when I focus on gratitude, and it isn’t about what I am grateful for. Once I started looking, I saw blessings all around me. No, it is about the feeling itself—the attitude of gratitude!

When I cultivate gratitude I am feeding and watering love in my heart. Love for and from God fills my heart and crowds out all negatives. It is an awesome way to live!

  • Do you recognize negative feelings or attitudes in your life?
  • Are you willing to focus on gratitude to crowd those out?
  • List 10 things you are grateful for today. Are you willing to do that every day?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Focus: Riding through the Boulders, Practicing Instinctively Turning to the LordGratitude: A Desire to Magnify My CallingsGrateful for My Addiction! Are You Kidding Me?

 

Finding Peace

“If you feel worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace.”

A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, Step 10, page 59

Method for Finding PeaceWhen I turn to my addiction (or any other behavior) rather than the Savior when I feel “worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful,” I voluntarily forfeit the peace the Lord can give me and settle instead for temporary numbness or distraction and subsequent remorse. He is willing and able to give me the peace I crave. The price for that peace is the willingness to recognize the pain, humble myself, turn to Him, and open my heart to receive it. So why don’t I just do it?

Recognize the Pain

The feelings listed in the quote above are uncomfortable. I don’t like to feel them. I don’t want to stay in this place. I have a natural tendency, a habit of many years, to look for comfort in distraction or in my “drug of choice.” When I feel these emotions, I need to train myself to recognize this moment as an opportunity to find peace, rather than turn to my old familiar “friends.” (see Changing Channels.)

Humble Myself

I need to admit that I cannot obtain the relief and peace I seek by my own efforts. I have tried and failed at this repeatedly. I need to acknowledge that only with the Lord’s help will I find the peace I crave.

Turn to the Lord

I figuratively or literally get on my knees and acknowledge to the Lord that I am feeling things that have sent me to my addiction in the past. I tell Him that I don’t want to go there this time. I tell Him I am willing to let go of these feelings. I ask Him to take them, and replace them with peace. (See Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 1.)

Open My Heart to Receive His Peace

I make a decision to trust that He will do it, and wait for it to happen. Sometimes I wait right there on my knees. At other times I go about my business, and allow myself to feel the feelings for the moment. I remind myself that I will not die from these feelings. I choose to trust Him to walk by my side and help me to bear them, until He grants me peace, in His time.

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness…For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”

Isaiah 41:10,13

 Why Don’t I Just Do It Every Time?

I am not perfect yet. (See On Being a Perfect Rosebud.) I am a child of God, a human being on earth, and as such, I instinctively avoid pain. But I have learned that I can survive pain now, to get what I want. It is called delaying gratification. I save now so that I can buy what I want later without going into debt. I exercise now so that I enjoy good health and am happy with my body. I work the steps now so that I can live “happy, joyous and free” from my addiction.

I turn to the Lord now, instead of my addiction, so that I can have peace.

  • What uncomfortable feelings trigger you to seek relief in the wrong places?
  • What behaviors do you habitually turn to to escape the discomfort or pain?
  • What are you willing to do today to seek the peace of the Lord instead?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Changing ChannelsStaying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 1Help: Encircled about in the Arms of His LoveTrust: Do Not Put Other Gods Before HimOn Being a Perfect Rosebud

Rock of Resentment

Image of a beautiful green and gold rock.She was hurt, wounded to the core by the abusive words and looks, the judgment and criticism. “I am going to run away,” she thought. “No one will care if I never come back here again.”

She went for a long walk out into the desert, nursing her wounds, reflecting on the injuries she had sustained at the hands of those who should have been kind and loving, and their total lack of any redeeming qualities.

She passed a man who was walking the other way. He smiled and told her that if she was looking for some desert souvenirs, she should walk a few feet off the path over the rise just to the east.  She decided to check it out.

When she got to the top of the rise she saw what he was talking about: beautiful rocks. They were green and gold with small crystals embedded in them. Just looking at them helped her to stop obsessing about her tormentors; just a little. She walked down and picked one up. It was small enough to hold in her hand, and particularly pretty. She decided to take it with her. She hoped it would comfort her.

Suddenly she noticed that the sun was starting to go down and she headed home. Nights are cold in the desert; cold, and dark, and scary.

Over the next few days she thought endlessly about her misery. She held the rock in her hand, and pressed it to her heart as she cried, filled with hurt and resentment.

She called a kind, wise  friend one day, and shared her feelings. He told her that he was in her neighborhood, and would drop by. He listened as she poured out her heart. He noticed the rock and asked to see it. “Where did you get this?” asked her friend.  She told him the story about the walk in the desert, the stranger and the beautiful rocks.

“You can’t keep this,” declared her friend firmly but gently. “Why not!” she exclaimed. She could not understand why someone who cared about her would want to deprive her of the very thing that had brought her some peace and comfort and provided a distraction from her obsessive feelings of anger and resentment. She recoiled, holding the rock to her chest.

“No, it’s mine! I won’t let you take it. I deserve to have something to bring me pleasure. Why would you want to take away the one thing that has dulled my pain these last few days?”

“Because,” he explained, “that rock contains uranium and is radioactive. It will make you sick if you keep it, and will burn your heart if you keep holding it that way.”

She dropped the rock on the floor and her friend wrapped her in a loving embrace. “It will be alright,” He said. “Give me your hurt, your anger, your resentment and your pain. In exchange, I will give you peace and rest.”

  • Are you holding onto any destructive thoughts, ideas or feelings?
  • The rock might represent those thoughts, ideas or feelings, but it might also represent something (perhaps a substance or behavior) to which you have turned for comfort, instead of turning to the Lord. What does the rock represent for you?
  • The stranger who directed her to the rocks might represent Satan, who can be very subtle. He could represent the world (including the media), which often mistakenly touts carnal (physical) solutions to our problems. He might represent false “friends” we barely know, yet we trust to help us find relief from pain. What or who does he represent in your life?
  • Write about how this metaphor applies to you.

 

 

Jealousy: Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires

Burning Campfire of JealousyFrom time to time I become aware of great things going on in the lives of those around me. Sometimes they have a wonderful marriage and when I see them together it is obvious how much in love they are. Perhaps their children are bright and accomplished and a joy to be around.  Maybe a new job that is everything they have been working towards in their career has finally come into their lives.

Generally, my heart is filled with gratitude for these blessings in their lives and I am happy for them. Occasionally, when their blessing is one that I have wished for, or even prayed for, there is also a tiny little spark of jealousy. I have come to understand that these feelings are natural, and I don’t want to beat myself up or feel shame for having them. The important thing for my ongoing recovery and healing is what I do with them when they come.

If I always have a little pile of dry tinder and an abundant supply of kindling and firewood, those sparks may start a fire in my life.  I can blow on the little embers that I ignite with those feelings and feed the flames of jealousy with ever-larger pieces of wood until I have a bonfire which consumes me, and keeps me from enjoying the many blessings of my own life. Or, like the Forest Service cleaning out unnecessary brush and dead wood to be able to better control forest fires, I can make sure I don’t keep a supply of fuel on hand for the jealousy fire by letting go of resentments and hurts as soon as possible, and avoiding comparisons of my life to others. I can keep a handy supply of living water, accumulated through gospel study and service, and use it to stamp out and douse those little sparks when they come flying through my life.

  • What feelings are sparks in your life?
  • Do you have a supply of kindling and firewood?
  • What steps are you willing to take to eliminate that fuel from your life?
  • What are you willing to do to increase your supply of living water?

 

Forgiveness – the Essence of Step 8

Forgive others and reward yourself with peace.
(Found on Lisa Raye’s Facebook Page.)

Forgiveness is the central principal discussed in Step 8 of the 12 Steps.  All things are created spiritually before they are created physically. (See Moses 3:5–7Genesis 2:4–5.) Step 8 is the spiritual creation of the reconciliation and restitution that will actually happen in Step 9. In order for me to accomplish this spiritual creation, I need to become intimately acquainted with forgiveness.

Step 8 asks me to consider two different aspects of forgiveness: asking others to forgive me, and forgiving those who have hurt me.  In either case, sometimes the other person isn’t even aware that they need my forgiveness or that I need theirs.  It is interesting to me to ponder how easily people give and take offense in this world, sometimes without even being aware of it. Sometimes people hold resentment in their hearts for years, sapping them of joy and preventing them from living in a state of peace.

Forgiving Others

When I hold resentment in my heart, I am the one who suffers.  I have heard it said that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It tears me up inside, consumes my spiritual and emotional energy, and blocks me from feeling the Spirit. Some people think that we should only forgive someone if they apologize.  If the offender doesn’t apologize they don’t deserve my forgiveness, they reason. We don’t forgive others because they deserve it. We forgive others because we deserve it! (shared at church recently by Deron Brent Horne). I hate living in a state of resentment!  I owe it to myself to let go of those feelings and let them float out of my life like helium-filled balloons.  I do it for myself, as a way of taking care of myself.  I do it to get my life back, and my laugh back. How, you ask? Here are two methods that help me.

Tell Myself Another Story

When someone does something that makes me angry I learned from Kimberly Schneider to tell myself a different story. I ask myself this question: “Under what circumstance could this person’s actions have made sense?”  Then I make up a story, which I know is probably not true, but makes me feel better and more able to blow off the perceived offense.  Did someone cut me off in traffic?  They might be worried about something that is going on at home, and I might have been in their blind spot.  Did someone fail to deliver on a promise? Perhaps they got a bad night’s sleep or a call from someone with bad news or they were just having a senior moment. The story doesn’t matter!  Just thinking about the incident in this way helps me to let go of it.

Detach with Love

I learned in Al Anon years ago about how to “detach with love.” It is a principle that enables me to not take offense, and to let go of resentment toward someone close to me who says or does something that hurts me.  Rather than obsessing about what happened or what was said, I separate myself from the offense without separating myself from the person.  For me it works like this. I have an imaginary bubble that I can deploy at a moment’s notice. It surrounds me and a little bit of personal space.  The person on the outside of the bubble may be lashing out at me, hurling hurtful words in my direction, and my bubble allows the message in without the hurt.  If there is any truth in the message that I need to consider and respond to, I can do so, without getting caught up in the delivery method. The negative aspects stay on the outside of the bubble, with the person they come from. I can still love them, but I don’t have to allow their words to hurt me.

Asking for Forgiveness

When I make a list of people who have hurt me and forgive them, as Step 8 asks me to do, I am having a very personal and meaningful experience with forgiveness.  What better way to prepare myself to ask others for their forgiveness?! If I have done things that were harmful towards someone else, who might be hurting inside because of my actions, even if I make amends, or restitution, it might be very difficult for them to forgive me.  When I, myself, have recently gone through the process of forgiving others, I am in a better position to understand how difficult it may be for someone to forgive me, even if they are willing to do it. In Step 8 I am not actually asking anyone for forgiveness; I am becoming willing to make amends and to be reconciled to those I have hurt.  I won’t actually figure out exactly how I will approach the other person until Step 9, and I certainly will not be actually making the amends or making restitution until I get to Step 9.  But until I truly become willing to do it, and let the Lord heal my heart, I will never be ready to do it, and will live with broken relationships indefinitely.

  • What resentments are you holding in your heart?
  • What are you willing to do to let go of them so that you can progress?
  • Are you willing to do whatever it takes to be reconciled to those you have hurt? If not, what can you do to help you become willing?

 

Forgiveness – Working Step 8

Step 8: Forgiveness

Sometimes when we think of Step 8, we focus exclusively on making a list of all the people we have harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them.  That is, of course, a critical piece of the repentance process and the work we are doing with the Steps. But it is interesting to see that the ARP Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing first devotes significant time to the importance of identifying those we need to forgive and forgiving them.

Why are we asked to focus on forgiveness first?  The Guide says that it is important to do this so that we are not distracted by resentments when we try to list those we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them. That is an important reason, but I think there is another.

We are about to ask someone to forgive us.  We are about to ask someone we have harmed in some way to accept our apology and let go of any feelings of resentment they might have towards us.  That might be a very hard thing for some people to do.  Perhaps they have been hurt multiple times by us. Perhaps we have promised to change in the past, maybe more than once.  Perhaps there is broken trust between us that will be difficult to rebuild.

If I have just been through the forgiveness process myself, I can have empathy for those to whom I am trying to make amends.  I can look them sincerely in the eye and tell them that I know I am asking a hard thing of them. And I also will know how relieved they will be when the burden of resentment they have been carrying is lifted.

What resentments are you carrying that you are ready to let go of?