It seems like I have been trudging forever. I just want to get to my destination for some much deserved rest. In front of me is a mountain, impeding my progress. There is a path, but I don’t want to climb this mountain. I’m exhausted. To the right and the left are woods. Maybe if I walk through the woods I will be able to find a way around the mountain.
I walk through the woods for miles, looking for a shortcut. I’m hungry and lost. I have covered lots of ground. Nevertheless, I have not made any progress. I’m no closer to getting to the other side of the mountain than I was when I was first standing in front of it.
I would have been better off if I had used the time and energy to just go over the mountain. It doesn’t matter how fast I climb it. It is not a race. What matters is that I make progress. I may need to take the mountain slowly and rest between steps. I may need to ask the Lord to walk by my side, so that I have His help and strength to enable me to do what I cannot do by myself. But one step up the mountain leads to another and another. Ten steps. Fifteen. Who knows, perhaps there will be a great view, beautiful flowers and a clear fresh spring of water along the way! Regardless, eventually I can get over the mountain and to my destination, if I stop wandering in the woods looking for an easier way.
Robert Frost said, “The best way out is always through.” (A Servant to Servants)
In the case of my mountain, the best way to get to the other side is just to climb it.
What mountain are you facing in your life?
What have you done to avoid climbing it?
What will you do today to help you resume your forward progress?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
I have been working the 12 Steps since 1999. I actually started going to meetings in 1991, but didn’t get a sponsor and start working the program for eight years. Even in those early years, as I went to meetings week after week, I heard people talk about what helped them find sobriety and serenity, and what caused them to stumble. As I have listened to others, and as I have worked the Steps myself, I have gained an understanding of the importance of looking for patterns – patterns that help me grow as well as patterns that undermine my recovery. I have learned to look for them, analyze them, and use them to my advantage.
Patterns in Practice
The first time I became aware of the importance of a pattern was when I finally became willing to start recording the food I ate. It was the first change I became willing to make in my life as a result of my participation in the 12 Step program. I wasn’t willing to change how I ate at that point or tell anyone else what I was eating, and I certainly wasn’t willing to plan my food, but I decided that I was willing to record what I was eating.
Two things began to happen when I started to collect data on what I was eating. First of all, I started to lose weight. Why? Because I found that I had been eating mindlessly – picking up a handful of something every time I passed through the kitchen. When I committed to writing down every bite that went into my mouth, I discovered that some of the food I had been eating just wasn’t worth the effort it took to write it down! So the mindless snacking was cut way back.
The second thing was that I started to notice patterns. I could eat lunch on one day, and eat a different lunch the next day, both of which contained approximately the same number of servings from the same food groups, and find that I was satisfied when I finished one lunch but still wanted to eat more after I finished the other. As I continued to record what I ate, a pattern emerged. My satisfaction level was controlled not simply by how much I ate, or what kinds of foods I ate. The most important factor in determining whether I would be satisfied was texture – specifically crunch! If I didn’t get enough crunch in a meal, I wanted to continue eating. As soon as I came to that realization, I started keeping crunchy foods in the house and I found that I could eat less, be satisfied, and lose more weight!
Looking for patterns in an inventory
One of the objectives I have when receiving someone’s 5th step inventory, is to help them identify a list of shortcomings and character defects they can use as input to Step 6. As I listen to the person share their inventory, I make note of patterns I hear. Are they using certain words repeatedly? Does the same kind of thing keep happening to them? These patterns usually point to a shortcoming or character defect that I jot down. When they are done sharing their inventory I ask them to look back over it and identify any patterns they can find, and come up with their own list of shortcomings. Then we compare lists and talk about what they think they need to become willing to turn over to God as they embark on Step 6.
Dailies
The use of patterns I mentioned so far is for taking a look at past behavior and understanding it better. Patterns can also help us create healthier and more effective ways of living. In the program I often hear people talk about “the dailies.” This is a set of activities they do every day to help them maintain sobriety and happiness. Here are some of the dailies that help me live a life of recovery:
Scripture Study
At one time in my life I heard people talk about the importance of daily scripture study. I just couldn’t seem to find time to do it. Finally, I made a decision to get up before my children, very early in the morning, and try to establish a pattern of daily scripture study and prayer. I was successful and it made a big difference in my life.
Prayer
I try to write my morning prayer every day. That is a part of my “dailies.” Written prayer helps me “tune in” to the right frequency to connect with the Lord all day long.
Exercise
My husband and I walk each morning. It is good for our health and good for our relationship. It also gets our day off to a good start. This is a pattern that helps me in my life.
Long-time readers will know that I believe structure is a very important aspect of living a sober and successful life. Collecting data to analyze and looking for self-limiting patterns helps me to identify things I need to change. Establishing recovery-promoting patterns helps me put a framework in place to allow the Lord to change me from within so that I can live my best life.
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
During its lifetime a Monarch butterfly goes through four stages. First it is an egg which must develop and eventually hatch. When it hatches, the Monarch is a caterpillar. It is very busy during this brief time of its life, eating as much as once or twice its weight in leaves every day and growing rapidly. In fact, it must shed its skin and develop a new one several times during this stage. Then it encloses itself in a chrysalis and seems to be resting. Actually, during this third stage of its life it is undergoing a remarkable transformation called metamorphosis, in which it is being made into a totally new creature. No longer will it look like a striped worm with many legs. It will emerge as a delicate, colorful butterfly. When it first breaks out of the chrysalis its wings are still weak and wet. It spends several hours fluttering them to dry and strengthen them. Finally ready, it fulfills its full potential, living the remainder of its life as a beautiful butterfly.
We, too, go through several stages on our journey of spiritual growth and development. At first we are like the butterfly eggs in our spiritual immaturity. At some point in our spiritual youth (which may be in adulthood, depending upon when we experience conversion) we gain understanding and accountability and are spiritually born, like the eggs hatch. This may or may not happen when we are baptized.
For some period of time we live as caterpillars, focusing almost exclusively on satisfying our appetites. Some of us get stuck in this phase of our lives, and don’t develop spiritual maturity due to our addictions. A recovery program can help us get unstuck.
As we work the 12 Step program we become more spiritually aware through the first three steps. This phase of our spiritual lives can be compared to the caterpillar stage of the Monarch’s life. We may shed old or immature beliefs like the caterpillar sheds its old skin to make room for our spiritual development, but we still look pretty much like a caterpillar.
When we get to step 4 we begin a period of in depth introspection and inventorying of our past. This is kind of like entering the chrysalis stage of our lives. Giving away our inventories in Step 5, identifying our shortcomings and becoming willing to ask God to remove them (Step 6) clears the way for us to be completely changed by the Lord, right down to receiving a new heart (Step 7).
A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh Ezekiel 36:26
In Steps 8 and 9 we complete the spiritual metamorphosis as we shed resentments, guilt and shame and make restitution and amends for all of our previous mistakes, misdeeds and sins. We emerge from this process cleansed and ready to live a new life in the maintenance steps (10, 11 and 12) using the structure of these steps to “flutter our wings” and become spiritually strong and independent, be delivered from the bondage of our addictions, and have the maturity to serve others and share what we have learned in our own journey.
Where are you in your emotional and spiritual journey?
Write about your experience using the metaphor of the monarch, comparing your spiritual metamorphosis to the butterfly’s life.
What will you do today to move forward in spiritual maturity?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
Most people come to the 12-Steps because they have a habit or addiction that has not been permanently healed or relieved by other approaches. What is different among newcomers is the level of fear they feel about becoming free from their addiction, about how hard it might be to work the Steps and about failing.
Desperate to Be Free
A common thought in 12-Step circles and literature is that “when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution we will be ready to change.” Another way to say this is that when we are sufficiently desperate to be free from our addiction, we will be willing to do the work, even if we don’t want to do it. Desperation works in our favor in this area.
Fearful of the Process of Working the Steps
Often we get hung up looking ahead at the future steps that we are afraid of having to do. We obsess about things like:
If I turn my will and my life over to God, what if His plan for me or His timing is not what I want? (Step 3)
If I have already confessed and repented of a past transgression, do I have to include it in my 4th step inventory? (Step 4)
If my sponsor knew everything I have done s/he would judge me or reject me. (Step 5)
What will my life be like without a particular weakness or shortcoming that I see as an integral part of who I am? (Step 6)
What if I ask God to remove my character defect and He doesn’t? (Step 7)
I don’t think I can forgive the one who caused me such pain! (Step 8)
What if I try to make amends to someone and they reject me? (Step 9)
The purpose of working the program is to access the Atonement to relieve you of guilt, shame, and resentment and enable you to fulfill your potential with the help of the Lord.
“For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men lineuponline, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.” (2 Nephi 28:30)
We work the program one step at a time for a reason. That is the pattern the Lord has set up for us to learn truth and wisdom. We are not ready to work a step until we have completed the previous step. When we have really completed a step we want to move on to the next one. The fears listed above are gifts from the Adversary to stop our forward progress. There are specific answers for each one of them but the most important thing to keep in mind is this: if we stop thinking about the future steps and just focus on the step we are currently working on, we will make progress and find recovery.
Fear of Failure
The most debilitating fear is that even if we do the steps, we will not be freed from our addictions. If we come to the 12-Steps believing that we have tried every other approach to becoming free, and that this is our last chance and only hope, then the fear that even this will not work can be paralyzing. Sometimes people stop attending meetings and stop working the steps because they are afraid that if it doesn’t work they will be left without hope.
The most poignant answer to this fear comes directly from the Lord:
2 Timothy 1:7For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
If the spirit of fear does not come from God, then where does it come from? Refuse to accept that gift from the Adversary. Instead, gratefully receive the gifts of power, love, and a sound mind that the Lord is willing to give you.
What fears are holding back your progress?
Are you willing to receive the gifts of power, love and a sound mind that the Lord offers you?
Write about what you and your life would be like if you received those gifts.
What will you do today to take a step towards living without fear?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
“Some people recognize the need to be free from addiction but are not yet willing to begin. If you are in that situation, perhaps you can begin by acknowledging your unwillingness and considering the costs of your addiction. You can list what is important to you. Look at your family and social relationships, your relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability to help and bless others, your health. Then look for contradictions between what you believe in and hope for and your behavior. Consider how your actions undermine what you value.” (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, pp. 1-2)
I once participated in a marriage enrichment seminar. One of the exercises was to make two lists. On the first list we each wrote down the things that were important to us; the things we believed and hoped for. On the other list we wrote how we actually spent our time. The leader of the activity shared that when he first did this exercise, he listed “relationship with children” as one of his values. When he actually looked at what he spent his time doing, he realized with chagrin that his behavior indicated that watching old Star Trek reruns was more important to him than building his relationships with his children. That is the kind of contradiction I think the passage I quoted from Step 1 in the Guide is talking about.
For me, part of working Step 1 is this kind of inventory. How does my behavior compare to my beliefs and values? If I say I would like to have a good relationship with my husband but my behavior tells me that I judge or belittle him, I need to admit that there is a contradiction between my behaviors and my values. The same thing applies if I don’t spend time with him, or I ignore his needs and expectations.
I say that I would like to be healthy and maintain a normal weight. If an inventory of my behavior tells me that I am obsessing about food, eating food I have not planned, letting portion sizes get out of control, or eating foods that I know are not good for me, my behavior is undermining what I value.
Becoming aware of these contradictions does not mean that I can immediately fix my behavior. In fact, that is why I am embarking upon a 12-Step journey: because I have not been able to change my own behavior despite my best efforts. That is OK. The good news of Step 1 is that I can have hope. I need to be willing to admit that I am powerless and work the 12-Step program as honestly and faithfully as I can. If I do these things, the Lord, through the power of the Atonement, will either remove my weaknesses and shortcomings or give me the power I need to turn them into strengths.
Try writing a Step-1 Inventory listing your values and beliefs on one side and listing your relevant behavior on the other.
Are there any contradictions between your behavior and what you say your values are?
Do you have hope that it is possible for you to overcome these contradictions with the Lord’s help?
What will you do today to make progress?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
Good morning, my sweet daughter. I love you. You are precious unto me. You can have a good and productive day today; it is your choice. Make a decision and a commitment that you will do it, and follow through. I will give you the power to do it, but you must choose to use it.
I love you more than you can comprehend. Fear nothing. You are a beloved and blessed daughter of God; a child of Royalty. If you can imagine it and are willing to work for it, you can accomplish it, whatever it is. Would you like to publish a series of books? Do the work. Would you like to be on the speaking circuit? Do the work. Would you like to have a comfortable retirement? Do the work. Would you like to have a great marriage? Do the work. Would you like to have a great relationship with your children? Do the work.
These are all righteous desires of your heart. I will give you the power to do and accomplish them, because you walk in faith and these righteous desires of your heart are expedient unto me (Moroni 7:33), but you must do the work. I will not give these things to you on a silver platter; then they would be meaningless to you. You must do the work in order to appreciate the value and effort that go into accomplishing them. But all the effort in the world would not help you reach these goals without the enabling power of the Atonement which I give unto you because you walk in faith and ask for it.
I love you infinitely more than you can comprehend. All that I have is yours. Claim it.
Fear not. Go in peace. All will be well. Amen.
What are the righteous desires of your heart?
Have you asked the Lord if these desires are expedient unto Him?
What is the work you must do to achieve them?
Have you asked the Lord to give you His power, the power of the Atonement, to help you achieve your goals?
What will you do today to begin to claim what is yours?
Among the 12 Steps, there are a few that can make us feel so fearful or overwhelmed that we may choose to stop our forward motion rather than have to work those steps. Step 4, in which we take a searching and fearless moral inventory is one of them. So is Step 5, when we share that inventory with another person. Step 9, in which we actually reach out to those we have harmed, ask for their forgiveness and make amends to them is so daunting that people often get “stuck” in step 8, afraid to move on.
The paradox is that each of these steps, once taken, produces feelings of growth, love, acceptance and peace far stronger than the fear felt while contemplating the step. As we work the steps, however, hearing that these feelings are waiting for us on the other side of the work doesn’t always motivate us sufficiently to face the fear.
Fear is one of the main reasons we don’t progress in the steps and that we get stuck in our addictions. Fear is, for many, the main reason we indulge in our addictions in the first place!
The scriptures clearly tell us that fear does not come from the Lord. In 2 Timothy 1:7 we find, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” If God does not give us the spirit of fear, then who does? Satan. And we willingly accept this gift from our Adversary, and embrace it. As a “natural man” (or woman) we are susceptible to fear.
What does this scripture tell us that the Lord gives us instead of fear? He gives us the spirit of power—the power of the Lord, the power of the Atonement—to use to do His will. We are given the spirit of love, which is the power by which the universe was created. And finally, we are given the spirit of a sound mind: peace, calmness and serenity.
For some reason we are much more hesitant to receive the gifts of power, love and a sound mind from the Lord than we are to receive the gift of fear from the Adversary. (See my post on Receiving Gifts.)
What do we need to do to be able to receive these good gifts? We must put off the “natural man” and become a “saint”—a child of God.
“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Moroni 3:19)
Make a decision to put aside fear—to refuse to accept that gift from Satan—and to trust the Lord and receive His gifts. Plunge ahead in your program with the help of your sponsor and other support people. You can do this. The Steps will work for you. You do not need to walk in fear. You are a son or daughter of God, designed and created by Him. He will help you achieve the recovery you deserve so that you can become a more useful and valiant servant as you mend the fences you have broken, and share the gift of recovery with those around you.
What fears are preventing you from making progress in the steps or anything else?
What do you believe is the source of your fear?
Are you willing to set aside your fear and trust the Lord to lead you forward?
What action are you willing to take today to move forward, walking in faith rather than fear?
When I was a young girl, my Dad’s desk was a place of wonder to me. He had so many treasures in his drawers: a beautiful slender silver letter opener, India ink pens, engineering and architecture rulers, and templates for drawing circles and other shapes, to name a few. Among the treasures were some old yellowed newspaper clippings. One of them was a story that mentioned my Dad.
A famous chess master was coming to town and would be playing against a large number of amateur players at the same time — upwards of twenty, if I recall correctly. My Dad was the youngest chess player to qualify to participate at the age of 14.
Twenty games at the same time! How could anyone keep the strategy for twenty games in their head at the same time, I wondered. So I asked my Dad about it. He said, “You don’t. You come to the board, make the move that most improves your position at that moment in time, and move on.”
I have often pondered that idea, and have found that it is actually an excellent philosophy for living. I am sure that the chess master has a vision for the game — ending in a win. I have a vision for my life, too — ending in eternal life for me and my loved ones. But I can face each new challenge, each move of the adversary, each new day, by making the move that will most improve my position at that moment in time, and move on.
What moves will improve my position? Here are a few thoughts: drawing near to the Lord, growing spiritually, learning to love unconditionally, gaining new skills, learning to trust God, obeying the commandments and living one day at a time.
It is intriguing to me that this philosophy of living is very consistent with my recent post “Living Fully in the Present.” The chess master cannot win the game by living in the past — beating himself up for a bad move or glorying in a previous game. He cannot win the game by living in the future — imagining each move his opponent might make and how glorious his victory will be. He can only win the game by studying the board and making the move that will most improve his position at that moment in time: the present.
What is your vision for your life?
What challenges are you facing right now?
What strategy or moves would improve your position at this moment in time?
What are you willing to do today?
Please share your thoughts about this metaphor by commenting below.
In early November 2014 I shared my journey of learning to aim for progress, and not perfection. I posted a picture of my desk. In the post I wrote about how eating and clutter are areas of my life I have not managed well without a spiritual approach. I identified lessons I had learned about overcoming perfectionism with regard to food and promised to update you on how I did going forward on applying those lessons to my paper clutter problem.
Here is a quote from that post:
So what can I learn from my success with eating in a healthy way (overcoming perfectionism) that might apply to my problem with paper clutter?
I need a spiritual solution to this problem, not an exclusively temporal one.
I need to turn to the Lord for His help in developing a plan that is flexible (as appropriate) but effective, not about perfection, but about nurturing myself; creating a wholesome environment in which I can thrive.
I need to do the footwork he gives me to do, one day at a time.
I need to let go of all or nothing thinking, and be satisfied with “progress, not perfection” (a 12-Step slogan).
If I fall off the wagon I need to get back on as quickly as possible.
I need to recognize discouragement as a tool Satan uses to keep me from growth and recovery.
I need to commit to never giving up.
I pondered and prayed about what to do differently than I have ever done before. It is crazy to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect the results to change! I knew that the first thing I had to do was sort and file and pitch and get the work surface cleaned off. I couldn’t even think with that mess. I had no place to work. But I still didn’t know how to prevent the piles from coming back, as they always have in the past.
Even though I didn’t have the whole plan, I began working on the footwork the Lord had given me to do – get the work surfaces cleared. It was very hard for me, because I hate doing it so much. I prayed for the power the Lord promises to give us when we walk in faith (see Moroni 7:33). I made some progress, and then during winter break, my wonderful husband gave me a gift of time – his most precious commodity. He gave me a whole day to keep me company and help me get it done.
One Day At A Time
Having done that footwork, the Lord gave me a plan for keeping it clear. I found it interesting that the plan did not come to me until I completed the footwork the Lord had already given me. I did not get to see the end from the beginning. I received the direction I needed one day at a time. Also significant – it was a plan that I had never tried before.
If you follow this blog you know that I write my morning prayers. This is an excerpt of what the Lord told me on New Year’s Eve:
“You have made a lot of progress on your desk area this week. I am pleased and proud. One small change in your dailies will keep it that way. Don’t go to bed with stuff out on your desk. Just the same as the kitchen: after dinner you need to clear your desk. You can have a drawer you use to keep open project work in if you need a place to put it. It could be one of your desk drawers, or the shallow drawer in the credenza. But don’t leave anything out on the work surfaces. You have plenty of file drawers. You know how to use them… Do some filing every day and you will make progress. The big thing is daily incoming mail. If you process it every day you will not get behind again.
“I love you. You can do this. I will help you. Fear nothing. All will be well. Go in peace. Amen.”
My desk maintained “One Day at a Time.”
As you can see from the current picture of my desk, it has stayed clear for three weeks.What is most important is that it feels different this time. Perhaps it is that for the first time I have a real plan – a doable plan – a plan that is flexible and simple. I like having my work surfaces clear. It makes me happy. It brings me peace.
I still need to sort/file/pitch boxes of old papers. I know that I can work on it one day at a time. But for now, I am satisfied with keeping my work surfaces clear and processing the mail when it comes in. I am grateful for the Lord’s help on this. I look forward to receiving further guidance and direction from Him. I pray for the willingness to carry it out, one day at a time.
Come to think of it, I think I am Changing Channels in this area of my life. Finally. Woohoo!
What recurring problem in your life has not responded to all your efforts to find a solution?
Are you willing to try a spiritual solution?
Are you willing to apply the seven lessons listed above to your problem?
As we walk the mountain road of life (See Growth: Life is Like a Mountain Road), climbing towards the top, we sometimes encounter a cloud. When we are just starting our journey, still in the valley, the cloud is above us. During the last part of our climb, we break through the cloud and can see the summit clearly, and the surrounding scenery. But while we are climbing through the cloud, we may feel cold, damp, and confused, surrounded by dense fog.
We need to remember that while the cloud is temporary, the mountain is not; neither is the road. We can continue on the path, by putting one foot in front of the other and hugging the mountain so that we don’t accidentally fall off the edge. Another option is to stand still and wait for the cloud to lift. With the help of the Lord we can progress, even if we are scared. (See There is No Darkness in the Presence of the Lord.)
It seems like I have been trudging forever. I just want to get to my destination for some much deserved rest. In front of me is a mountain, impeding my progress. There is a path, but I don’t want to climb this mountain. I’m exhausted. To the right and the left are woods. Maybe if I walk through the woods I will be able to find a way around the mountain.
