Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 3

April 24, 2014Tools, Working the ProgramAbstinence, PlanMira Daniels

In the last few weeks I posted Part 1 and Part 2 of my list of tools to use to help you stay abstinent. Here is Part 3, with three more tools. You can see all of the posts that have to do with tools by clicking on “Tools” in the list of categories in the right column on this page. These tools help me stay abstinent because they are productive behaviors or activities to do when I feel stressed or vulnerable and I would, in the past, have turned to my addiction for comfort. They keep me focused on the Lord so that I can access the power of the Atonement to overcome temptation and to make progress on my path to become the person God has given me the potential to be. Part 1 described the tools of Prayer and Meditation, Meetings, Service, Sponsorship and Telephone Calls. Part 2 covered Writing, Music, Program Literature, Scriptures and Talks.

Make A Plan to be Abstinent

Thinking ahead about what might happen in my day and what might make me vulnerable to my addiction can help me prepare for those circumstances. I can decide what I will do if I feel tempted, so that I will be able to use my tools to avoid giving in to my addiction. There are many different addictions, but they basically fall into two groups when it comes to abstinence: addictions to substances or behaviors which can be totally eliminated from my life (such as alcohol or use of pornography) and addictions to substances or activities which I must engage in, but which should not be done compulsively (such as eating, or spending). I call the first kind “Total Abstinence” and the second kind “Planned Abstinence.” In either case, having a plan will be helpful.

In the case of planned abstinence addictions, I will need to decide in advance how to abstinently do the things I need to do to get through my day. For example, I can plan my food for the day, the night before, in the morning, or a week in advance so that I will not be trying to figure out what to eat when I am starving, or when nothing sounds good, or when I am tired. In the case of spending, a budget will allow me to know what I can afford, so that I can spend what I have planned without feeling guilty, and without getting into debt by spending money I don’t have.

I found that when I started writing down my food, I started losing weight! I wasn’t even on a diet, nor had I made a decision to change the way I was eating. I just became mindful of every bite I was eating because I had decided to write it all down. And magically, I started losing weight! Once I had done some research and made a food plan to take care of my body, I lost even more, and I have been able to maintain that loss. Making a decision ahead of time about what I will eat and/or how much I will eat makes me much more likely to enjoy meals and not feel guilty about them.

I came later to budgeting. Since I started working with a budget I have more peace of mind, I am out of debt, and I have more in savings. I know if I have money for something, and if I don’t, I don’t buy it! We have no contention about money in our marriage. It is awesome! For more information on how to do this I recommend taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University® class.

Breathing Exercise

Many years ago a friend taught me a breathing exercise that is quick and easy and which can dramatically reduce the tension and stress I am feeling in a difficult moment. This is how it is done:

Close your eyes.
Breathe in and out through your nose, slowly and rhythmically.
Focus your attention on the point at which the air is entering and leaving your body.
Choose a phrase or word to say in your mind with each breath. You can choose whatever you want but this is what works for me: on the in-breath I think “I am a child,” and on the out-breath I think “of God.”
Repeat steps 2-4 three or four times with your eyes closed.

When I do this exercise I can feel the tension leaving my body in a very physical and tangible way. If I had thoughts of indulging in my addiction, they are often gone, or at least significantly reduced, in the few minutes it takes me to do this. This is big help to me in trying to stay abstinent.

Go to Bed

When I am tired I simply do not make good decisions. It is almost as if I have a certain amount of “good decision” energy in a day. Sometime in the late afternoon or early evening my supply begins to run out and I start to mindlessly do things that I would never have done earlier in the day. Once I get to this point, I am vulnerable to acting out, especially if anything happens to upset my apple cart. When I first realized this, I tried to come up with various coping mechanisms to help me stay abstinent late in the evening. Some things did help – a little. But nothing works as well as just going to bed! Whatever I was trying to get done is generally not worth the price of breaking my abstinence! I am much more productive in the morning anyway.

To Be Continued

Well, I have a few more tools to write about, and I try to keep these posts relatively short so you won’t put off reading them for “when you have more time” and never get back to it. So, look for Part 4 soon.

Love: The Economy of God

April 16, 2014MetaphorFear, Love, ServiceMira Daniels

Our economy works because people trade goods and services for pieces of paper that have numbers and pictures on them. We call these pieces of paper “money”. When an employer pays a worker, the dollar the worker receives passes through many hands. The worker buys food at the grocery store. The grocery store pays the wholesaler. The wholesaler pays their employee. That person makes their mortgage payment. You get the idea.

When people are afraid to spend their money, the economy begins to go into a recession. The worker spends less at the grocery store; the grocer buys less from the wholesaler. The wholesaler is selling less so he doesn’t pay as much out in wages, and so forth. If the fear and the cycle get bad enough, the economy comes to a screeching halt, and the recession becomes a depression.

God also has an economy, but the currency isn’t money; it is love, often expressed in service. When people in a community need help and allow others to serve them, God’s economy of love grows. People feel an abundance of love, both from serving and from being served, and they desire to serve others. Sarah’s lawn needs to be mowed, and her neighbor Alan does it while doing his own. Alan loses his job, and Beatrice tells him about an opportunity where she works. Beatrice has a wayward son, and Roger, who has walked that path before and knows where it leads extends a hand of friendship to him. Roger has health problems, and Sarah prays for him. Love “goes around and comes around.”

On the other hand, when fear causes people to refuse help, they don’t give anyone else an opportunity to serve. This can happen because they are embarrassed or they “don’t want to be beholden” to anyone, or they think that it is a sign of failure or weakness if they are not completely self-sufficient. This situation can bring the economy of God to a screeching halt. When no one is willing to receive service, no one can give it which leads to a different kind of depression.

What kinds of service are you able to give?
Do you take the opportunity to do so?
What kinds of service are you willing to receive?
Is there something you would like the Lord to help you with?
Most of the time he provides help through others, rather than directly. Are you willing to receive the help you need through the people around you?

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 2

April 10, 2014Tools, Working the ProgramAbstinence, Literature, Music, Scriptures, Stress, Talks, Temptation, WritingMira Daniels

My last post was Part 1 of a list of tools to use to help you stay abstinent by turning to the Lord instead of your addiction, or other inappropriate behavior in stressful situations. Part 1 described the tools of Prayer and Meditation, Meetings, Service, Sponsorship and Telephone Calls. Here is Part 2, which covers Writing, Music, Program Literature, Scriptures and Talks. There will be a part 3, but it may not be the next post, because I have some other things I want to write about, so watch for it.

Writing

I love writing. I find that when I have a pen in my hand I use a different part of my brain than when I am just thinking or talking. If I just start writing about something that I am struggling with, I often find that in the very act of writing, my mind has become clear and I can see and understand things that were hidden from or confusing me. When this happens it becomes much easier for me to stay abstinent. For more on writing see my post on written prayer.

Music

Music can change my mood in an instant in a way that few other things can. Identify music that lifts your mood and music that helps you connect with the Savior. Keep a written list, and/or a playlist on your electronic device. Create or find a Pandora station that plays what you need to hear. Memorize a hymn or other song and sing it to yourself when you need a pick-me-up. Listening to the right music can help me become willing to be abstinent!

I had an amazing spiritual experience with music that was an answer to prayer once. It was a particularly difficult and stressful time in my life and I woke up one morning with a melody going around in my mind. It was not familiar to me, but it sounded like a hymn tune. I got out my hymn book and started turning the pages, one at a time, looking for a melody like the one I was hearing in my head. When I got to page 114 it jumped off the page at me. I didn’t recall ever having sung or heard Come Unto Me before, but the words – and melody – brought such peace to my heart and solace to my soul! I have memorized and used it for comfort in difficult times ever since.

Program Literature

Have you ever escaped from dealing with the reality of life by reading a novel or watching TV? Then you know how media can serve the purpose of distracting you from whatever is causing stress in your life. The problem with using those things to escape the moment is that when you stop reading or watching nothing has changed. I have found that turning to my program literature, such as the ARP manual, The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Al-Anon, or another 12-Step program, or He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen Harrison can distract me for the moment, and also remind me of the progress I am making and why I WANT to be abstinent. Additionally I can find specific thoughts or principles in this literature that can help me turn to the Lord for the power to address the challenges I am facing, instead of my addiction or some other behavior that will not bring me peace or serenity.

Scriptures

The scriptures can also provide great insight and help when we struggle with life. Use your Topical Guide in the back of Bible to search the scriptures by topic. Use the footnotes to lead you to other scriptures that might be relevant. Memorize scriptures that seem particularly helpful. The scriptures contain direct counsel from the Lord. If you are looking for guidance from the Lord to help you deal with a situation you can often find it in the scriptures. See my Resources page for some of my favorite program-related scriptures.

Talks

There is an awesome additional resource for obtaining counsel from the Lord: the writing and talks given by the General Authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They are contained in the monthly Ensign magazine, and can be accessed on the Church website. The General Conference Addresses can be watched, listened to, printed or downloaded here. There are additional wonderful Devotionals and other talks given by Church leaders and BYU personnel which can be accessed at the BYUtv website or at BYU Speeches. Since the Church has created its own channel on Youtube, lots of great talks and videos are available there. Finally, checkout MormonChannel.org, another great site with lots of uplifting content where you may be able to find the guidance you need.

I have links to some of my favorites talks and links to sites where you can order the books I mentioned on my Resources page.

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 1

March 27, 2014Tools, Working the ProgramAbstinence, Meetings, Personal-Revelation, Prayer, Service, Sponsorship, Stress, Telephone-Calls, TemptationMira Daniels

When I am stressed, I have a tendency to engage in behaviors that will relieve my stress. Duh! I wrote recently about how turning to those behaviors instead of the Lord can be like putting other gods before Him. So what can I do to help relieve my stress while staying abstinent from my addiction? What does it look like to turn to the Lord instead of those other “gods?” I have a number of tools that I have learned about from various 12-Step fellowships over the years, and some that I have found on my own. I am planning to write individual posts on some of the tools, but here is a partial list of the ones I have found most useful. My next post will have the second half of the list.

Prayer and Meditation

The first and most obvious tool is prayer and meditation. If my boss is chewing me out or someone is being rude to me I can, in that moment, say a little prayer in my heart and ask the Lord to take away my anger or frustration and tell me how to proceed. I can ask Him to help me see the other person through His eyes. If someone in my family has pushed me to the breaking point and I know that I am about to do or say something that I will regret, I can go to my room, get on my knees and ask the Lord to take my burden, strengthen me to be able to bear it, or give me guidance. Sometimes when I do this, I tell Him that I am going to remain there, on my knees, until the feeling, craving, etc. is lifted. It is scary to put my faith on the line like that, but the Lord has always come through for me, although on occasion my knees start to hurt while I am waiting.

Meetings

Going to a 12-Step meeting is an awesome way to remove myself from temptation and recharge my spiritual batteries. In meetings I can sometimes hear the Lord’s guidance to me through the voice of another person when my own spiritual ears are too clogged with the wax of hopelessness or pride to be able to receive personal revelation. I can serve others by what I say, or just by giving someone a hug or a smile. I can receive the same kind of service myself. I always feel closer to the Lord when I go to a meeting. If there is no meeting available, I can go to the ARP website and listen to a podcast of a meeting.

Service

Attending a meeting is one form of service. I won’t even attempt to list all the other opportunities to serve, but here are some ideas. Reach out to someone who might need it, donate time, do family history work, do temple work, take a new mom’s toddler to the park for an hour, mow someone’s lawn. Any kind of service that is given in Christ-like love can get me outside of myself and my own problems and bring me blessings and a new attitude. But I need to be careful that there are no strings attached to my service; that I am not shaming, throwing guilt, trying to control someone, or attempting to take someone’s agency as I serve.

Sponsorship

Sponsoring someone, or being a support person to someone within the ARP program, is an awesome form of service. As I sponsor I find myself prompted to say things which are just as important for me to be reminded of as they are for my sponsee to hear. A sponsor is a guide; someone who can hold up a mirror so that another person can see themselves and their behavior more honestly and can learn how the Steps can help them find serenity and recovery.

Telephone Calls

Sometimes, when I am tempted to use my drug of choice and I cannot seem to find the strength to just turn away, I will make a phone call to someone and tell myself that I won’t act out until after I get off the phone. Most of the time I call someone else who is working the steps and by the time we are done talking, I don’t feel the craving any more. If I still have it, I can make another phone call, or try one of the other tools. Sometimes staying abstinent has to be done one hour or even one minute at a time.

To Be Continued

In the next post I will share more of my favorite tools for staying abstinent and close to the Lord instead of giving in to my addiction for comfort when I am stressed.

Have you tried any of these tools? Please feel free to share your positive experiences for other readers. I hope you will find some more ideas in this post, or the next one, that will help you stay abstinent.

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Can God Understand My Powerlessness?

March 23, 2014Working the Programpowerlessness, Step-1Mira Daniels

Picture of Jesus standing at the door and knocking. In the Church we are taught that in some unfathomable way in the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus somehow experienced and took upon Him every sin, transgression, challenge, feeling, and experience that has ever been or will ever be experienced by any child of God. Every feeling? What about powerlessness? How could the Lord Omnipotent possibly fully experience powerlessness? It seems like a contradiction in terms, a paradox.

I was reminded of one of my first profound experiences with powerlessness. One of my children was refusing to get out of bed and go to school. There really wasn’t anything she cared enough about for me to be able to use it as an enticement, or even as a threat. As I stood looking down at her lying in her bed, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of powerlessness. How had it come to this? She was my child. I was her mother. Yet there was nothing I could do to “make” her behave the way I wanted her to. It occurred to me that once children grow too large to physically carry, we really don’t have much control over them at all unless we resort to threats of physical violence or emotional abuse, neither of which was an acceptable option to me.

And so it is with Jesus. He stands at the door and knocks. He whispers to me through the still small voice. He longs to bestow upon me every blessing I could possibly want. Yet He cannot make me open the door. He cannot make me open my ears or recognize His voice. He cannot make me open my spiritual eyes and recognize Him at my side. He cannot force me to receive the blessings He is holding out to me. He cannot do any of those things without compromising my agency, which would defeat the whole purpose of His mission. Is this not powerlessness?

He needs me to be His hands, feet and voice in the lives of others. How does He feel when I am too busy, or afraid? What about Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother? How do They feel when They watch us stumble and fall? Do Their hearts cry out to be able to pick us up and comfort us? What if we don’t recognize Their hands in our lives, and refuse to be comforted? Do They weep for our sorrows and pain? Do They long to be able to just hold us? Rock us? Tell us it will be alright?

Yes, God knows what it feels like to be powerless. And as we learn to accept our powerlessness, along with all the feelings associated with it, we grow to become more like Them. Are you ready to give up the illusion of control and confess your powerlessness? It is the first step to freedom.

What are you reluctant to let go of – to admit that you are powerless over?
Write about how you have tried to control this matter and what the results have been.
Are you satisfied with the results?
Are you willing to let go and trust the Lord in this matter?
What footwork do you need to do in order to let it go?

Trust: Do Not Put Other Gods Before Him

March 18, 2014Working the ProgramAbstinence, Letting Go, Stress, TrustMira Daniels

Deuteronomy 5:7, “Thou shalt have none other gods before me.”

When is my addiction like another god which I am putting before the Lord? When I turn to my addiction for comfort at times of stress instead of turning to Him.

When I am stressed, what happens in my brain goes something like this:

I feel uncomfortable/stressed/anxious, etc.
I don’t like feeling this way. I just want the feeling to stop!
What will make me feel better? I know!
My old friend #$%&# (in my case, food, but you can substitute any behavior or substance).

At this point in the process, I begin to obsess about how to use my addiction to make myself feel better. Unless I do something to break the pattern, I will probably act out, sooner or later.

The Lord tells us not to put any other gods before him, and what will happen if we do (2 Chronicles 7:19-22). We will lose the blessings and privileges he has given us. I will lose the progress and recovery that I have gained if I turn to my addiction instead of the Lord.

So what can I do to break the pattern? How can I turn to the Lord when I am stressed or anxious or experiencing any other feeling I don’t want to feel?

I stop what I am doing, take a deep breath and literally turn to my right (Isaiah 41:10,13), where I imagine that the Lord is standing by my side. I ask Him to take this from me; to help me to bear this burden by giving me the strength I need to get through this situation without giving in to my addiction. I remember that he has promised that he will give me the power to do all things which are expedient unto Him (Moroni 7:33), and I make a decision to trust Him and let His power flow into me. I may have to do it more than once until the feeling subsides completely, but eventually, it will be gone and I will be grateful that I chose abstinence instead of letting my addiction win.

What do you turn to for comfort when you are stressed?
Are you “putting other gods before Him?”
What could you do differently that would help you more than what you do now?

Growth: Making Better Choices

March 14, 2014MetaphorGrowthMira Daniels

This poem by Portia Nelson has been helpful to me in understanding the process of change and growth, and giving me a visual image of learning to make better choices.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
from There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

Love: The Power of the Universe

March 7, 2014Journal EntryLoveMira Daniels

I love you so much. If you could feel the smallest part of my love you would be filled with unspeakable joy. Let yourself feel it, my dear one. Let yourself bask in the warmth and feel the cool breeze of my love for you. Let yourself know, in your heart and deep in your bowels, how much you are loved. My love is the power of the Universe – indeed all universes which have been or will be created. It surrounds you like fluid surrounds an infant in the womb. It nurtures you. You breathe it in and out. You are cushioned by it; protected by it; you hear the sound of it in your ears. It helps you maintain the body temperature you need to survive and thrive. Let yourself feel it. Release your disappointments into my love like a drop of food coloring into the ocean. I will absorb it and all you will feel is my love. All will be well. Go in peace. Amen.

Tools: Quality Prayer

March 5, 2014ToolsPersonal-Revelation, Prayer, WritingMira Daniels

There was a time in my life when I found it very difficult to connect with God through prayer. I studied my scriptures every day, and walked in faith to the best of my ability, but when I knelt in prayer, it felt like my prayers were bouncing around inside the room. My thoughts went around in circles and I often found myself indulging in “vain repetition.” Answers? No real connection there either. I saw that God answered my prayers sometimes, by the actions or words of others, but I longed for a direct connection. I desperately wanted to feel like I could hear the Lord answer my prayers personally. Not knowing what else to do, I just kept praying.

Over time, I stumbled upon a novel thought. For the most part, my prayer life wasn’t so much a conversation with God, as it was a monologue. I would kneel and pray, following the pattern I had been taught, finish with an “Amen,” get up and go about my business, wondering why I couldn’t hear the Lord’s voice. Perhaps, after I was done praying, I needed to wait and listen to give the Lord a chance to say something to me – really to give myself a chance to listen quietly and hear what He was saying! I began to practice this “listening” phase of my prayer and started to recognize thoughts coming into my mind; thoughts that were not my own and sometimes not even related to what I had prayed about! He was speaking to me! I was finally learning to “hear” the still, small voice.

Then I noticed a very disturbing thing. By the time several hours had passed, I could remember that the Lord had spoken to me, but I could not remember what He had said! To me that seemed like the height of disrespect! The great God of the Universe had spoken to ME and I couldn’t remember what He had said! So I started bringing a small notebook and a pen to the side of the couch where I prayed. As soon as I finished praying, I would write down what I heard.

Pretty soon I realized that it might be more useful to me to have His answers recorded if I also recorded the contents of my prayer. It seemed like the answers I recorded in my little book were out of context. So I decided to try writing my prayer. I wrote my prayer in one color, put down my pen, picked up His, listened, and recorded what I heard in a different color.

I discovered an amazing thing as I began this practice. It seems that I use a different part of my brain when I write than when I am thinking or saying my prayer. As I write my thoughts, they slow down and are not jumbled. They are more coherent and the act of writing them down helps me to process them in a very helpful and productive way. No more vain repetitions. No more wondering what I should pray for and about. My thoughts flow as I pour out my heart to my Heavenly Father on the page. I have been able to capture great words of comfort and direction in this prayer journal and go back and study it. When I do not have time to write, it almost feels like I have been cheated.

Elder Richard Scott has spoken on several occasions about the way in which he uses writing to receive personal revelation. There are links to some of those talks on my resources page. I have shared this tool of written prayer with many people over the years. Some people are not ready to invest the time it takes to do it in their relationship with the Lord. Those who have tried it have found new insights and a new and deeper relationship with God. Are you ready to invest your time? I could never put a price on the value of the return I have received on this investment.

Growth: Life is Like a Mountain Road

March 2, 2014MetaphorGrowthMira Daniels

Some people believe that life is a journey over continually unfamiliar territory. We start at “point A,” wherever we are now, and are trying to get to “point B” off in the distance somewhere. Sometimes the road is straight and sometimes it curves. Sometimes it is hard and at other times easy, but the one constant is that we have never passed this way before, and thus are constantly challenged by things we are unfamiliar with.

I believe that the journey of life is more accurately compared to a road that circles a mountain in an upward spiral, climbing toward the top. As we follow the road up the mountain, around each bend in the road we find familiar scenery, things we have faced before in some form or other. It is true that the actual section of the road we are traveling may be unfamiliar, but it is like things we have done before. We learn from our experience and our mistakes and from our victories and accomplishments. We learn that we can ford the rivers and traverse the ravines that cross our path.

Each time we come around again to a familiar scene, we find that we have gained perspective; we have moved up the mountain and have a better view than we had the last time we passed this point. Sometimes the trip around has been relatively easy and we may not have gained much elevation over our previous visit. We have experienced some growth. At other times the journey has been a challenge; the road has been steep and there may have been rocks, boulders and potholes scattered along the way. After such a segment in our journey we often find that our perspective has increased greatly and our understanding as well. We have experienced significant growth.

So long as we continue to climb, we will continue to grow and be rewarded with spectacular views and increased understanding. However, if we get stuck – if we refuse to continue the journey because it seems too hard – we deprive ourselves of the rewards that await us, both along the way, and when we reach the summit. The challenge is to remain focused on the summit – the objective of our journey – and also to enjoy the views and accomplishments along the way.

What “familiar scenery” do you keep coming to in your life?
How have you grown in wisdom or ability between visits?
How steep has your road been?
Do you regret having chosen an easy path or to have stopped climbing at some point?
Are you willing to choose a fork in the road that will help you grow more even if it is a steeper climb? What might that look like?
What have been the rewards you have received for continuing the climb and not giving up when it gets hard?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Forgiveness – Working Step 8

February 28, 2014Working the ProgramForgiveness, Resentment, Step-8Mira Daniels

Sometimes when we think of Step 8, we focus exclusively on making a list of all the people we have harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them. That is, of course, a critical piece of the repentance process and the work we are doing with the Steps. But it is interesting to see that the ARP Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing first devotes significant time to the importance of identifying those we need to forgive and forgiving them.

Why are we asked to focus on forgiveness first? The Guide says that it is important to do this so that we are not distracted by resentments when we try to list those we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them. That is an important reason, but I think there is another.

We are about to ask someone to forgive us. We are about to ask someone we have harmed in some way to accept our apology and let go of any feelings of resentment they might have towards us. That might be a very hard thing for some people to do. Perhaps they have been hurt multiple times by us. Perhaps we have promised to change in the past, maybe more than once. Perhaps there is broken trust between us that will be difficult to rebuild.

If I have just been through the forgiveness process myself, I can have empathy for those to whom I am trying to make amends. I can look them sincerely in the eye and tell them that I know I am asking a hard thing of them. And I also will know how relieved they will be when the burden of resentment they have been carrying is lifted.

What resentments are you carrying that you are ready to let go of?

Overcoming Discouragement: The Committee in My Head

February 19, 2014Tools, Working the ProgramDiscouragementMira Daniels

You know those voices you hear in your mind sometimes? Occasionally they are positive and uplifting but most are discouraging and disparaging. Some actually seem to echo voices of real people, often from our past – former teachers, leaders, parents, family members or friends. Others seem to come from nowhere. Even the voices of people who love us can sometimes give us bad advice or negative feedback.

“You are so clumsy.”
“You can’t do that – you are too dumb.”
“You can’t ask God for help with that.”
“You’ll never be good enough.”

Unfortunately these voices can make it hard for us to think clearly and move forward. Just when we think we have a plan and are ready to take a risk and try to do better – to do something new – to challenge ourselves, to overcome discouragement, one (or more) of those voices will tell us that we are doomed to failure.

I call those voices the “Committee in My Head”. I imagine them sitting around a conference table expressing their thoughts. Freely. Sometimes at the top of their lungs. Other times in a persistent whisper.

I have learned an interesting thing about my committee over the years. It is my committee, and I get to decide who is on it! If someone on the committee is discouraging me, I can fire them! I can tell them that they are no longer welcome on my committee and their advice is no longer needed. If they come back, I can refuse to let them in or listen to them.

Even better, I can deliberately choose new voices to invite onto my committee to drown out the old discouraging ones. How? By reading great books or blogs; by finding mentors who I trust and who have created the kind of life I want; by attending meetings and making phone calls and using the other tools of the program. I can fill my committee with cheer-leading encouraging voices.

“You can do it!”
“You are awesome!”
“Give it one more shot.”
“Maybe you should pray for the Lord’s help and try again.”
“Think of how much progress you have made!”
“God loves you and I love you, too!”

If I am going to have a committee giving me advice it might as well be good advice! And advice that will help me overcome discouragement, not create it.

Do you have a committee in your head that sometimes offers negative thoughts or ideas?
Do you let these thoughts hold you back from doing what you would like to do?
Do you believe that you can learn to recognize and “fire” the voices that are holding you back?
What voices would you like to invite to join your committee?
What will you do today to let go of what is holding you back and nurture and support yourself in moving forward?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Overcoming Fear – the Invisible Fence

February 16, 2014MetaphorFear, Step-3, Step-6, Step-7, TrustMira Daniels

One way to keep a dog in the yard without tying him up is to install an “invisible fence.” This consists of a wire which is buried around the perimeter of the yard and a collar that the dog wears. The collar has a radio receiver that picks up a signal if the dog gets too close to the wire. When this occurs a mild “correction” (shock) is triggered to let the dog know not to go any further. Most dogs can be trained to learn the boundaries and not to get too close to them. Why? They don’t like being “corrected!” In fact, after a while, you might even forget to turn on the fence, and the dog might never even realize it.

Supposing, however, that the dog has a boy, a boy he loves and would protect with his life. Suppose further that the boy is being attacked by the neighborhood bully just outside of the fence. Do you think there is a good chance that the dog would defend his boy even if it meant that he had to endure the “correction?” Why? Because his reason to cross the fence is more important and more urgent than his reason not to.

Most of us also have an invisible fence. We call it our “comfort zone.” One way or another we have learned that when we get too close to the limits of our comfort zone we get this nasty “sick” feeling. I may gaze longingly out past the limits, daydreaming about what I could achieve or accomplish or do … if only I wasn’t afraid to try. I may feel frustrated at the limitations I have imposed upon myself, but I am too afraid of the “correction” I might receive (such as rejection, criticism, failure or ridicule) if I were to get too close to the line.

Just like the dog, it takes a reason more important to me than my fear to get me to cross the line; something I want badly enough to risk getting hurt. Sometimes when I finally step out of my comfort zone I discover that someone forgot to turn on the fence, and, other than the butterflies in my stomach, I receive no “correction” at all! Then there are times when someone does criticize or reject me, or I do try something and “fail” the first time. But if I just keep working on it, what I come to find out is that the limits of my comfort zone have expanded and I have lived to tell about it. In fact, after a while I may discover that pushing on the limits of my comfort zone has become a game I play with myself, receiving enough joy and pleasure in setting goals and reaching them to outweigh the discomfort or pain of the growth process.

What is your reason – your dream? Is it big enough to help you overcome your fear? If it is a righteous desire of your heart, the Lord will help you achieve it. He may not just give it to you. It may come in the form of smaller experiences, perhaps even uncomfortable ones, which strengthen you and prepare you so that when the opportunity does present itself you are ready to act upon it. Do you need help in overcoming fear? Find your dream. Think it through. Write about it.

The Lord loves us. He doesn’t toy with us. In Moroni 7:33 we find this promise:

“And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”

Become willing to follow His guidance and counsel, walking in faith, so that he can give you the power to achieve the righteous desires of your heart.

What are you afraid to try?
What would help you to overcome your fear?
Will you pray for that help?
What will you do today to push out the limits of your comfort zone?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Forgiveness: Left on the Cutting Room Floor

February 5, 2014Metaphor, Working the ProgramAtonement, Forgiveness, Step-4Mira Daniels

Jeremiah 31:34

“And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the Lord: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the Lord: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.”

Even though I work my program and share the hope and the good news that through the power of the Atonement we can receive all that we need from the Lord to be cleansed and draw near to Him, I sometimes find myself dwelling on my shortcomings rather than my progress. It seems especially difficult to let go of past mistakes and forgive myself despite having a sure testimony that the Lord has forgiven me.

So what are the implications of the Lord’s promise in Jeremiah 31:34 that He “will remember their sin no more”?

I imagine myself standing at the judgment bar with the Lord standing by my side as my Advocate. The movie of my life is playing. Scene after scene plays out on the screen. Some scenes surprise me – I had forgotten all about those things. Sometimes I know what is coming next, and the thought of having to watch it in front of everyone makes me cringe. Wait! What? We jumped right over that scene! Hooray!

What happened? That scene was left on the cutting room floor. Why? Because once I had repented and the Lord had forgiven me, he “remembers it no more”. That is forgiveness! If he doesn’t remember it, it cannot be a part of the movie of my life! My movie has been edited and all the bad parts for which I have repented – all the parts that fill me with shame and guilt – have been removed. I may remember them, in order to protect myself from making the same mistakes again, but the Lord has forgiven and forgotten.

Divine forgiveness – good news indeed!

What part of your life do you hope will be a scene left on the cutting room floor?
Have you done all you can to fully repent of it? What do you still need to do?
You may remember, to keep yourself from making the same mistake again, but have you forgiven yourself?
What will you do today to forgive yourself and move on?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

The Quest for Perfection – Reflecting on Genesis 17:1

February 3, 2014Journal EntryFear, PerfectionismMira Daniels

Genesis 17:1 “And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the Lord appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.”

Lord, you know how imperfect I am! Why would you command me to be perfect? Aren’t you setting me up to fail?

“I command thee to be perfect. There is nothing wrong with working toward that goal. There are two hazards along the path to be aware of:

First, that, unable to achieve perfection in some area you might become paralyzed and unable to act at all.

Second, that, falling short of perfection, you will be vulnerable to Satan’s malicious whispers, planting doubt about your divinity and your eternal potential.

Avoid paralysis and turn away from Satan and your quest for perfection will lead you to me.”

Have you ever found yourself paralyzed by fear of failure and unable to act?
Have you ever thought that you would never be good enough?
Write about how the ideas in this post affect your thinking about your own experiences with being imperfect.
What will you do today to avoid or overcome the two hazards mentioned?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

[Note: For more information on the difference between becoming perfect and perfectionism see the talks listed on my Resources page under “Perfectionism”.]

There is No Darkness in the Presence of the Lord

January 31, 2014MetaphorFear, Light, Love, TrustMira Daniels

I have often heard people compare life to a roller coaster, with ups and downs. There is some value in that metaphor, but it seems to me that it might be more helpful to compare our lives to the earth as it travels its course. As it revolves, it goes from day to night and back to day. Yet, even as this rhythm is beating like a drum, it passes through seasons that encompass the days and the nights.

During the day, we can usually see the path before us clearly, although there are seasons when it is obscured even in the daytime, when covered with snow, or our vision is limited by fog or storms. During the night, even though we know there is a path before us, it can be very hard to see it, as our human eyes require a high level of light to see things and recognize them with confidence.

The Lord is our light source at all times. During the day, he provides the sunlight, and we see so easily and well that we may take it for granted. However, during the night, without sunlight we can become discouraged, we can lose our way, stray from the path. Sometimes, because we fear, we stop our forward progress during the night completely. We refuse to take a step without being able to see the horizon, and we wait for the morning, for the dawn. This seems like the safest choice. But even when we cannot see clearly, the Lord can be our beacon. Even in the darkest times, he shines the light so that we may see the path, if we will look and trust him. If we let go of our fear, open our eyes and take one step at a time we are safe when we stay in the light of his love. Even when all that we can see is where to put one foot next, if we trust him not to lead us astray we can continue our journey. And the night will eventually give birth to the day.

I am reminded of the words of a wonderful hymn (#97), “Lead, Kindly Light,” written by John Newman in 1833.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

He is always there, shining the light. He never changes. However, there are times when we turn away, perhaps in fear, and do not want to look where the light is pointing. We have eyes but do not see the way before us because we choose to look in the wrong direction, or shut our eyes and refuse to look at all, because we are afraid.

Trust the Lord. Allow Him to illuminate your path. He teaches us the truth and gives us his unconditional love. If you are experiencing darkness, bask in the warmth of his love, trust in his light, and take one step at a time until the morning comes. Let go of fear. Let go of discouragement. Let go of disappointment. Live in the present. Life is a gift. Receive it. Enjoy it. Experience it. Grow with it. There is no darkness in the presence of the Lord.

Can you think of a time when you experienced darkness?
Is there an area of your life in which you are experiencing darkness now?
Have you looked for divine light – even just a glimmer showing you your next step?
If so, are you willing to take the step that has been shown to you? If not, are you willing to look to the Lord for light and guidance?
What will you do today to find and follow the light?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

ARP Meetings – Where Two or Three Are Gathered…

January 29, 2014ToolsAtonement, MeetingsMira Daniels

I recently read D&C 6, and verses 32-37 absolutely jumped off the page at me as pertaining to the Church’s ARP meetings. I “captured” the impressions I received below.

32 Verily, verily, I say unto you, as I said unto my disciples, where two or three are gathered together in my name, as touching one thing, behold, there will I be in the midst of them—even so am I in the midst of you.

We gather as 2 or 3 or 12 or 20 in His name at every Addiction Recovery Program meeting, as touching one thing: recovery from addiction through the Atonement. And He is always in our midst. The Spirit we feel in our meetings is similar to what I feel in the Temple.

33 Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.

As we each take whatever tiny steps we can toward recovery, we are sowing good, and have hope in Christ of reaping good: recovery!

34 Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

We need not fear Satan nor those who are listening to his voice. We are built upon the rock of Christ and His Atonement. Satan will not win.

35 Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you.

He accepts us where we are. He holds no grudge. He is willing to wipe our slate clean if we repent and go forward with abstinence and sobriety, walking the path He has laid before us.

36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Keeping our focus on the Savior we have no need for doubt or fear. Like Peter walking on the water, we will be safe if we focus on the Savior in each moment.

37 Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

Focus on Christ, remembering the Atonement He has made for us. Deliverance from sin may be ours as we receive the cleansing and other blessings of the Atonement through repentance. We will one day surely return to live with Him in joy.

Come to an ARP meeting and see how truly this applies. If you are trying to overcome a challenge in your life, come gather with us and let the Lord give you the strength that comes from learning to apply the Atonement in your life.

Turn Away from Temptation

January 28, 2014Journal EntryLight, Love, Temptation, Turn-to-ChristMira Daniels

“Good morning, sweet daughter. I love thee so much. I am always with thee. My light surrounds thee. My love encompasses thee. My arms envelope thee. I hold thee close. I comfort and console thee. I take thy hand and lead thee. I will strengthen, support and sustain thee that thou wilt make the best possible choices. If thou art tempted, turn to me; look at my face and thou wilt receive the strength and the love that thou needest to turn away from temptation and walk toward the light. Thou art a valiant and faithful servant. Fear nothing. All is well. There is more than enough and to spare. Be generous. Be kind. Be loving. Be grateful. Be fearless. Go in peace. Amen.”

Keeping the Sponge Moist

January 27, 2014Metaphor, ToolsPersonal-RevelationMira Daniels

“And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full. And they that will harden their hearts, to them is given the lesser portion of the word until they know nothing concerning his mysteries; and then they are taken captive by the devil, and led by his will down to destruction. Now this is what is meant by the chains of hell.” Alma 12:10-11

Consider a dry sponge. It has the potential to soak up and absorb water, but it is not prepared to do so. Pour a drop of water on it and it will just sit upon the surface. Try to wipe up a spill with it and it will just push the water around on the counter. However, plunge it into a bucket of water or hold it under a faucet and squeeze out the excess and the sponge is prepared to soak up any water it touches. Allowed to dry out completely again, it returns to its unprepared state: dry, hard and even brittle; containing little or no water and unable to absorb any.

My heart is like the sponge. If I allow my heart to dry out completely – squeezing out the last drop of living water and not replenishing it – then, when a drop comes my way, I cannot even absorb it. I just push it around dully, not able to drink it in and be nurtured by it. I receive “the lesser portion of the word until [I] know nothing concerning his mysteries; and then [I can be] taken captive by the devil, and led by his will down to destruction.” How does this happen? It happens when I give until I have no more to give, trying to please everyone, and fail to take care of myself by taking time to do the things that keep me close to the Lord. It also happens when I refuse to allow others to nurture me. When I allow self-will and self-sufficiency (thinking I can do it all, by myself) to replace love and humility in my heart, it can become dry, hard, and brittle.

When I find myself in this state I must find a bucket of living water or a faucet and plunge myself in – immerse myself in the love of God and the gospel. Where can I find this bucket, this faucet of living water? At Church, in the temple, in 12-Step meetings, in program literature, in the love of my family, in the scriptures, in prayer and meditation, in General Conference – anywhere the Spirit dwells. Then, I need to “squeeze out the excess” by sharing what I have learned with others.

I never want to become totally dry again. Where do I get the daily “misting” that will keep me prepared to receive; that will keep my heart soft and humble? By daily use of the tools of the program; especially literature and music (including scriptures), meetings, prayer and meditation, sponsoring, telephone calls, writing and yes, even service.

Are there spiritual areas of your life in which you have potential but are not prepared?
What could you do to become prepared so that you can receive a “greater portion?”
What will you do today to start down that path?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related posts: Change: The AADWAR Process, Tuning In

Learning to Let Go

January 23, 2014ToolsFasting, God-Box, Letting Go, Step-3, Trust, Visualization, WritingMira Daniels

Step 3 of A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing talks about trusting in God. It is easy to talk about that theoretically – how important it is to do it, why we should, how silly it is to doubt Him, etc. Actually learning to do it is another matter. Letting go of the things we want so desperately to control and turning them over to God can be hard! Here are a few tools and techniques that have helped me learn to “Let Go and Let God”. I hope you find them useful on your own journey.

Writing

Writing uses a different part of your brain than just thinking or speaking. When I write out my thoughts and the feelings of my heart, my mind slows down and I am able to discover thoughts and feelings and ideas that might have been too fleeting to capture any other way. If I write about my desire to let go of something and my reluctance to trust that the Lord will take care of it to my satisfaction, I can often find the willingness to let it go.

Visualization

Sometimes I just stand in the middle of an empty room and imagine putting whatever I am trying to let go of in a bubble resting in my open palms. Then I lift my arms and visualize myself giving the bubble a little push up to send it on its way toward the Lord’s outstretched hands. I see him receive my bubble and embrace it and I know that it is safely under His control. I know it sounds hokey, but try it. It really works for me! This works particularly well when what I need to turn over to Him is another person, usually someone who is making choices that concern me.

God Box

I have a box that I call my God Box. (Some people have a can instead, because, after all, God “CAN”.) When I find myself obsessing about a situation or a person and I know I have done everything I can do to resolve it, I write it down on a piece of paper, date it, fold it up and put it in my God Box as a physical representation of having turned the matter over to God. The next time I find myself obsessing about it, I have two choices. I can either take it out of the box and tell God that I decided to take it back, or I can remind myself that I turned it over to Him and let it go. One amazing side benefit of using the God Box is that when I put something new in it I get to go back and reread all the old papers. Doing this reminds me of what a great job He did with all those other things. In fact, He did such a fabulous job with some of those things that I don’t even remember what they were!

By the way, a “virtual” God Box does not work. There is something about physically writing it down on a piece of paper and putting it in the box that is just different and more effective than doing it in your mind.

Fasting

It is not that unusual, in the Church, for people to fast and pray for something they are concerned about. However, many times we use this tool as a way of “counseling the Lord”. In other words, we know what outcome we want for the situation and we try to control it by telling the Lord what we want Him to do. We may even add the obligatory “if it is thy will” or “nevertheless, thy will be done” to the end of our prayer as we begin our fast, but I wonder how often we really mean that.

I am going to suggest a slightly different way of using the tool of fasting. When I have a situation that I know I cannot control and that I have done everything I can or should do about it, I will fast and pray to understand and accept the Lord’s will in the matter. In this way, I invoke His help in letting it go, and turning it over to Him.

In which areas of your life do you need to do a better job of “letting go and letting God?”
Of the tools listed here, which you not tried before, feels the most comfortable to you?
What will you do today to try a new way of learning to let go?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.