When I first began the journey of overcoming my food addiction, I attended 12-Step meetings, read the literature between meetings and talked to my sponsor, but I told her right up front, “I am not yet willing to change anything about the way I eat.” After about 6 months of “working” the steps, I received a gift from the Lord, a tiny little bit of willingness. I wasn’t ready to change the way I ate yet, but I found the willingness to start recording what I was eating.
I didn’t report it to anyone. I didn’t plan what I was going to eat. I didn’t swear off any trigger foods. I just started writing down what I ate, after the fact. And I started losing weight! I discovered that I had a tendency to grab something to eat every time I walked through the kitchen. I had no idea! I started to lose weight because when I found myself about to grab something, I realized that I didn’t really want it badly enough to write it down. ?
Eventually I became willing to start planning my food, and eat according to my plan; more or less. (I can be stubborn!) I realized after a while that if I would stop and ask the Lord for the willingness to say no to myself when I was about to eat something inappropriate, He would give me that willingness! It was amazing. But this introduced a new problem. Sometimes I didn’t want to ask for willingness because I knew that He would give it to me, and I wanted the food more than I wanted the willingness to abstain from it!
I heard someone say in a meeting that if she wasn’t willing to pray for willingness then she prayed for the willingness to become willing. I tried it. It worked! I don’t know why I should be so surprised. He often grants our righteous petitions, and I know He wants me to be living in a state of recovery. Willingness to change my behavior is a condition of learning to live in a state of recovery.
Is there something you are not yet willing to do that you know will help you on your recovery? What?
Are you willing to pray for willingness? If not, are you willing to pray for the willingness to become willing?
What will you do today to become willing to take another step on your journey of recovery?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
As I crochet, I frequently look back at my work. It gives me pleasure to watch the fabric grow, stitch by stitch, row by row. Sometimes I notice that I made a mistake. I messed up the pattern or missed a stitch. Because I look back regularly, I rarely have to rip very far to fix the errors. But occasionally I do notice something I somehow missed in a previous row. Then I have a decision to make. I can rip out everything I have done since, and fix the error, or I can accept that it is part of my fabric and let it go.
It occurred to me the other day that this is very much like living in a state of recovery. I check my life regularly (daily inventory – Step 10), looking back from time to time during the day. If I messed up I can fix it pretty easily. Even better, if I pay attention to the pattern and mindfully try to execute it to the best of my ability as I go along, I have less to fix! Occasionally my eyes are opened and I see a flaw that may have happened some time ago. Generally, this is harder to repair than something that happened today. I may have to use steps 4 through 9 to deal with that kind of mistake or shortcoming.
I am so glad to have the steps to help me improve/repair my life and my relationships. However, even if I do use those tools, I may not be able to completely erase the problem. I do the best I can and then accept that what remains is part of the fabric of my life. I let it go.
Sometimes when I am looking for a new crochet project I find a pattern that looks awesome, but difficult. It may use stitches that are new to me or the instructions may not be clear to me when I read them. I re-read the pattern several times. I try to follow the directions. Sometimes I get pretty far into it before I figure out that I must be doing something wrong because it isn’t turning out like the picture. I could just give up. That has happened. But if it is important to me, if I just feel called to make that pattern, there is help available. Sometimes there is someone at a yarn shop who can help me figure out the directions. I can post in an online group asking for help from someone who has already made that pattern. With email and websites I can contact the person who designed the pattern to get their help in figuring out what I am doing wrong and get on the right track.
The same process occurs in the creation of the fabric of my life. From time to time I feel inspired to try something new, different, and perhaps difficult. If it doesn’t go well, despite my best efforts, I could give up. That has happened. But if it is important to me, if I just feel called to do it, there is help available. I can talk to my Bishop or my sponsor. I can attend a 12-Step meeting and ask others with recovery for their ideas. And most importantly, I can reach out to the Designer of my life, my Savior, and ask for His help in figuring out what I am doing wrong and how to get on the right track.
What do you do to monitor the fabric of your life and make corrections quickly?
Write about how you can apply this metaphor to your life.
What are you willing to do today to clean up your mistakes as you go or repair a mistake from your past?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
A waltz is danced to music that has three beats to the measure. Think of “My Cup Runneth Over (with Love)” or “Morning Has Broken.” Imagine Cinderella at the ball. It is beautiful, sweeping, romantic. When learning to dance the waltz, the instructor and the dancers can be heard counting to themselves, “One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three,” in time to the music.
In the 12-Step program there is also a 1-2-3 waltz. It is not beautiful. It is not romantic. It happens when someone starts working the program, gets through the first 3 steps, gets stuck on the 4th Step inventory, relapses (or not) and returns to Step 1. Over. And over. And over again. I did the 1-2-3 waltz for the first 8 years I was in the program.
Why Do We Get Stuck on the Step 4 Inventory?
Step 4 is Hard
Step 4 is hard! The first three steps are hard, too, if we really work them. But many newcomers to the program, especially those who have a background that includes a faith tradition, think they already know they need God, are not afraid to admit it and, at least nominally, turn their will and their lives over to Him. When they get to Step 4, they have to sit down with a pen and paper and review their whole lives, trying to find everything bad (or good) they have ever done. That is hard! It is called a “searching and fearless moral inventory.” Many of us have spent much of our lives running away from our fears. Doing a searching and fearless moral inventory seems overwhelming. We are not sure we can honestly face all the things that we have done, all the people we have hurt, all the bad decisions we have made.
We May Not Be Ready
Each step prepares us for the next one. As a general rule, I have found that if I am stuck on any step, I probably need to go back to the previous step, dig a little deeper, and be a little more honest. Truly turning our will and our lives over to the Lord may be easier said than done. If we haven’t really dug deeply enough in Step 3, we aren’t really ready to access His power to do a searching and fearless moral inventory.
We Don’t Know How to Do It
Never having done such a thing before, we don’t even know where to start. There are some suggestions in the ARP Guide and other 12-Step books (see my Resources page), but there are so many different ways to do it! How do we know which one is right for us? And as we begin, we have questions. How do we know if we are doing it right? Who should we ask for advice?
We are Not Accountable to Anyone
One of the ways we get hard things done in our lives is to be accountable to someone else: a parent, a teacher, a team, a boss, a spouse, a friend. Many of us find it hard to implement changes in our lives or do new things if there is no one holding us accountable for following through on our goals.
How Do We Break the Cycle?
If You Don’t Have a Sponsor, Find One
It is hard to work the program effectively without an accountability partner. A sponsor is is an accountability partner, but much more than that. A sponsor is someone who has walked this path before us and is willing to share his/her journey with us. A sponsor will understand how hard it is to do an inventory and offer words of encouragement and suggestions to consider when we are struggling.
Dig Deeper on the First Three Steps
If we do feel a need to start over with steps 1, 2, and 3, it needs to be different this time. It needs to be deeper. We need to make outreach calls, and talk to others about their recovery. We need to follow the suggestions of a sponsor. We can try using the tool of writing more. There are additional 12-Step books that might be helpful (see my Resources page). Especially on Step 3, we need to spend some time on our knees and make sure that we have really done the work, that we are really willing to do the Lord’s will even if it is not what we want to do.
Become Willing to Receive the Lord’s Enabling Power
The Atonement is a power that works for redemption at the end of life, and it is also an enabling power that gives us the strength to do hard things now. Watch Brad Wilcox’ amazing talk, His Grace is Sufficient or read Elder Bednar’s wonderful article from the April 2012 Ensign: The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality for more insight on how grace (the power of the Atonement) can work in your life.
“And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.” (Moroni 7:33) When you rely on the Lord’s grace to do the things that are expedient unto Him, you will be able to do things you never thought you could do.
Just Do It
So what if you are afraid? You have done other things you were afraid to do and lived to tell about it. Program literature clarifies that “fearless” does not mean “without fear.” Rather, it means that we do the inventory to the best of our ability without allowing our fear to stop us.
So what if you don’t know the “best” way, or the “right” way to do your inventory? Just prayerfully pick an approach. No one is giving you a grade for this. No one is going to tell you you did it wrong. You get as many chances as you want to do it again and try another way. There is no right way, no wrong way. Just do it.
Are you stuck in the 1-2-3 Waltz?
If so, what do you think is keeping you from moving forward with Step 4?
What are you willing to do today to trust God, rely on His power, dig deeper, and receive the blessings and promises available to you?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
“If you feel worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace.”
When I turn to my addiction (or any other behavior) rather than the Savior when I feel “worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful,” I voluntarily forfeit the peace the Lord can give me and settle instead for temporary numbness or distraction and subsequent remorse. He is willing and able to give me the peace I crave. The price for that peace is the willingness to recognize the pain, humble myself, turn to Him, and open my heart to receive it. So why don’t I just do it?
Recognize the Pain
The feelings listed in the quote above are uncomfortable. I don’t like to feel them. I don’t want to stay in this place. I have a natural tendency, a habit of many years, to look for comfort in distraction or in my “drug of choice.” When I feel these emotions, I need to train myself to recognize this moment as an opportunity to find peace, rather than turn to my old familiar “friends.” (see Changing Channels.)
Humble Myself
I need to admit that I cannot obtain the relief and peace I seek by my own efforts. I have tried and failed at this repeatedly. I need to acknowledge that only with the Lord’s help will I find the peace I crave.
Turn to the Lord
I figuratively or literally get on my knees and acknowledge to the Lord that I am feeling things that have sent me to my addiction in the past. I tell Him that I don’t want to go there this time. I tell Him I am willing to let go of these feelings. I ask Him to take them, and replace them with peace. (See Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 1.)
Open My Heart to Receive His Peace
I make a decision to trust that He will do it, and wait for it to happen. Sometimes I wait right there on my knees. At other times I go about my business, and allow myself to feel the feelings for the moment. I remind myself that I will not die from these feelings. I choose to trust Him to walk by my side and help me to bear them, until He grants me peace, in His time.
“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness…For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”
I am not perfect yet. (See On Being a Perfect Rosebud.) I am a child of God, a human being on earth, and as such, I instinctively avoid pain. But I have learned that I can survive pain now, to get what I want. It is called delaying gratification. I save now so that I can buy what I want later without going into debt. I exercise now so that I enjoy good health and am happy with my body. I work the steps now so that I can live “happy, joyous and free” from my addiction.
I turn to the Lord now, instead of my addiction, so that I can have peace.
What uncomfortable feelings trigger you to seek relief in the wrong places?
What behaviors do you habitually turn to to escape the discomfort or pain?
What are you willing to do today to seek the peace of the Lord instead?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
In this quote, Elder Scott expressed in elegant simplicity what it looks like to live in Step 11: “Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.” Elder Scott points out that our success in doing this is contingent upon our spiritual preparation to receive two important blessings: knowledge of the Lord’s will for us and the power and willingness to carry it out. In this post I am focusing on the first, discerning the Lord’s will.
The Lord will not compel us to do what would be best for us. That was Satan’s plan. He rarely hits us over the head with personal revelation, either. The Lord’s plan is to allow us to choose our attitudes, work ethic, and activity level. He will grant unto us those things we request which are in harmony with His will, if we do the work necessary to receive them. Two of Elder Scott’s conference talks (“How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life” and “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance“) give us a glimpse of the importance of personal revelation to him and how he went about receiving knowledge of the Lord’s will for him.
What does it take to be spiritually prepared to receive this personal revelation? I think it takes work! Here are six things that I have found to be personally helpful to me as I strive to “live to be worthy to know the will of the Lord and to live to have, with his help, the capacity and courage to carry out that will—and to desire nothing else,” as Elder Scott says.
I have to humble myself and become willing to receive knowledge of the Lord’s will even when it is not what I was hoping for.
I have to spend time in the scriptures, not necessarily to find answers there, but to learn to recognize the voice of the Lord, and to quiet my mind and prepare myself to be able to hear with spiritual ears the message the Lord has for me.
Working my own program – reading the ARP Guide and other 12-Step books and implementing in my life the way of living described there – clears away many stumbling blocks and impediments to receiving knowledge of the Lord’s will.
Spending time talking to others who are living in a state of recovery helps me feel more able to receive knowledge of the Lord’s will, both directly from Him, and in the words and examples of those I talk to.
Writing is, for me, one of the most effective and helpful tools for receiving personal revelation. (See Tools: Quality Prayer.)
Once I receive knowledge of the Lord’s will for me I must act upon it.
I have found that if I do not act upon my promptings quickly, the moment can pass, and I miss out on the blessings that might have been mine. I have also found that if I ignore the promptings I receive for an extended period of time, I lose some of my ability to hear and understand what the Lord would have me do. Sometimes I don’t act because I feel overwhelmed; sometimes because I am afraid. When the Lord wants me to go outside of my comfort zone I tend to question whether I heard Him correctly. Of course He wants me to go outside of my comfort zone! He wants me to grow and reach my full potential! He isn’t finished with me yet.
Step 11 says, “Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.” How satisfied are you with your prayer and meditation practice?
How confident are you that you are able to discern the Lord’s will for you?
What are you willing to do today to improve in this area?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
A reader recently asked me if this blog has any posts about codependency. She wanted to know what it is and how to tell if you struggle with it. I haven’t written much about codependency, although I do struggle with it. Much has been published on the subject by experts in the field. I am not an expert. However, here are my own observations.
Definition of Codependency
I use the term “codependency” to describe someone in a relationship in which s/he is obsessed with the dysfunctional behavior of another to the extent that his or her own life is being compromised. Usually the other person is an addict, in poor mental or physical health, irresponsible, or an underachiever. The codependent person is obsessed with trying to make things better for their loved one. Once the pattern of codependency has been established in someone’s life, it often happens that they “collect” dysfunctional friends and loved ones who are perfectly willing to have someone enable their bad behavior, even if the price is listening to them nag or berate them.
Someone once told me that “virtue out of balance” is a shortcoming. In the mind of a codependent, their obsession with and attempt to fix their loved one is an expression of their love. But it is not healthy love. We have been counseled to love as Christ does. Christ loves us by accepting us for who we are unconditionally, and allowing us to experience the consequences of our choices. Christ loves us by not doing for us what we can do for ourselves, even if we choose not to. He will not force us or beg us to do what would be in our own best interest. He doesn’t try to manipulate us nor does He allow us to manipulate Him. If we ask Him, He will give us direction, and power to do what we cannot do alone. But if we don’t follow His guidance, He does not berate, abandon or ignore us.
Drug of Choice
The drug of choice for someone who struggles with codependency is usually either “to fix” or “to control.” When I hear myself saying (or even thinking) that I want to “fix” someone, I know it is time to do an inventory on my relationship with that person and apply the Steps. When I find myself in a power struggle with a loved one (usually spouse or child) I need to examine whether I am trying to control that person. Even if the reason is that I don’t want them to ruin their future, my trying to “make” them do what (I think) would be best for them is codependent behavior.
I am an assertive person by nature, and my codependency is usually expressed in an assertive way. However, people who are passive can also try to control others, and get them to do what they want. Some play the victim, or allow the other person to walk all over them (sometimes called “being a doormat”) in order to avoid conflict, or in a mistaken belief that it will keep the other person from leaving them. They are still trying to get what they think would be best by manipulating their loved one.
Approaches to Recovery from Codependency
People recover from codependency in different ways. Some people find success by treating codependency as an addiction, and applying the 12-Step program to it in their own lives. Others use more of an educationally-based approach. Counseling can be helpful either on its own or in conjunction with one of the first two methods.
Using the 12-Steps to Overcome Codependency
Many of our LDS Addiction Recovery (ARP) meeting participants are codependents. Some are also addicted to a substance or another behavior. Applying the 12-Steps to their codependency has worked amazingly well for many of them. They have learned to recognize their codependent behavior and apply the steps to overcome it with the help of the Lord, and the Atonement. There are other 12-Step programs that use a similar approach to overcoming codependency as well – for example: Al-Anon and CoDa (Co-Dependents Anonymous).
Educational Support Approaches
The LDS Church has introduced a new approach to supporting spouses and family members of addicts. It includes a guide that contains 12 principles to be studied along with various talks from General Authorities that relate to that principle. There are weekly meetings in which the material in the guide is discussed, one principle per week. The attendees at the meetings all struggle with the addiction of a loved one, and often learn from each other by listening and sharing during the meetings.
When the person in your life who seems to be making bad choices is a child, it is sometimes very difficult to know where “good parenting” stops and “codependence” begins. There is a fine line between trying to help a child (of any age) find and stay on a path that leads to happiness, and trying to take away his or her agency in order to “make” them do what you “know” is best. I think the term “helicopter parent” is really another name for codependency. I have found a lot of help in trying to learn how to be a supportive parent without being a codependent one from the Love and Logic Institute. They have many resources including books and CDs. They offer classes in many areas. I have recently found support from a Facebook group called “Love and Logic Parents Unite” where parents can share what is working for them.
Write about how the various ways you show love are healthy and unhealthy.
What approaches or resources might help you overcome any codependent behavior you might have?
What are you willing to do today to help you improve the way you relate to your loved ones?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
Letting go of my dreams – the vision I had of what my future would hold – and learning to allow God to create a future for me has been one of the more difficult aspects of my recovery. It is so much more complicated than it sounds! It is not really that I think I could do a better job than God, but rather that not being in control triggers feelings of discomfort and fear.
I have become attached to the ideas and the pictures in my head of how my life will turn out. Letting go of them is painful. Trusting that the Lord’s plan for my life will be better than mine is also hard. I love the Lord. I want to trust Him. I know, intellectually, that I can and should trust Him and that He is much more capable of designing the perfect life for me than I am. But what if His plan for me is hard? What if His plan has me wading through trials and pain? What if I have to experience things I don’t want to experience? Sometimes my intellectual knowledge and even my faith that “all things work together for good to them that love God” (Romans 8:28), isn’t enough to overcome my fear.
I have written previously about how to let go. This post is just to acknowledge that it is hard. But I also want to say that it is worth it. In every case where I have chosen to let go, I have found peace. I have stepped into the unknown and found the Lord by my side. This poem was particularly helpful to me as I tried to learn to let go in the early days of my recovery.
BROKEN DREAMS by Lauretta P. Burns
As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
“How could you be so slow?”
“My child,” He said, “what could I do?”
“You never did let go.”
I testify that God loves us and that He will give us what we need. He will enable us to reach our full potential, if we let Him. Jesus is my friend. He walks by my side. He carries the burden for me when it is more than I have strength to bear. He smiles and is pleased when I grow. He will never leave me. Nor will He leave you.
What are your broken dreams?
Do you have a testimony that Jesus is always there for you? Write it out.
What will you do today to learn to let go?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
Some days I am filled with awe at the privilege I have been given to support others as they work the 12-Step program. A sponsor (or “support person”) is someone who guides another through the Steps by sharing their own journey. A sponsor doesn’t tell the person what to do. They share what has worked for them. They hold up a “mirror” to help the person they are supporting see things about themselves that would be difficult to discern on their own.
How it works
There is no set way to sponsor. Typically each person who sponsors will have a certain way of working with their sponsees. When someone asks them to be a sponsor, they will explain how they do it. The sponsee will share with the sponsor what their goals for working the program are and how they want to go about it. Each of them can then decide if it seems like they would work well together.
The elements of a sponsor/sponsee relationship usually include regular contact (phone, email or text) during which the sponsee reports on their abstinence and what they are doing to work the program. This might include attending meetings, making outreach calls, reading/studying program literature and/or writing among other things. The sponsor may share their own experience, strength and hope with the sponsee to help them progress. The relationship can stay in place as long as it continues to work for both parties.
How I sponsor
I like to talk to my sponsees by phone each day, Monday through Friday. However, some of my sponsees cannot call every day, so we decide on a schedule that will work for both of us. I like them to text me on the days we don’t talk. I am looking for answers to three questions when we talk/text.
How has your abstinence been since we last communicated?
What would you like to share with me from the program reading/writing you have done lately?
What do you have coming up between now and the next time we communicate that could make you vulnerable to acting out in your addiction?
This last question helps my sponsees to think ahead and make plans so that they will not be “blind-sided” and react by turning to their addiction in a moment of stress.
During our conversation I listen carefully to what my sponsee says and try to “hold up a mirror” and reflect back to them what I hear. Many times my sponsees have not been able to see their behavior and attitudes objectively and they appreciate my perspective on what they have shared. I sometimes feel inspired to suggest a specific book, article or talk to read and write about. Also, when appropriate, I share my own experience and what has been effective for me in the past with regard to the program work or challenges my sponsee is currently working on.
Being a conduit for the Spirit
I love being a conduit for the Spirit. As I talk to my sponsees, I often hear myself making suggestions or observations that I know did not come from the recesses of my own mind. I marvel that I can be an instrument in the hands of the Lord in this way. I sometimes hear thoughts and ideas coming out of my mouth that I needed to hear and apply myself!
Being a spiritual “midwife”
I love watching as those I sponsor get their feet under them, start to find healing and hope, and begin to rely upon the Savior and the power of His Atonement to receive the strength they need to make better choices. I love hearing about how their lives are improving. I feel joy as they start to let go of the heavy burdens that they have been dragging around and find happiness and hope in their lives. As they come to experience the true “change of heart” promised by the Savior, a new person is born, the old shortcomings and character defects being shed as the son or daughter of God emerges.
If you are already a sponsor, are you careful not to tell people what to do, but rather share your own experience, strength, faith and hope?
If you are not already a sponsor, are you willing to humbly seek the counsel of the Lord as to whether you are ready to sponsor, and if you are not, ask Him what you need to do to become ready?
How will you let newcomers and others know that you are available to help them find success in the program?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
As I work on my recovery, I learn so much from reading. This includes 12-Step program literature, scriptures, spiritually uplifting talks by Church leaders, books and other sources. I get new ideas, see things I may not have seen before and gain understanding. I learn new tips and techniques for dealing with temptation or stress. I find metaphors that help me make sense of my own strengths and shortcomings and the journey I am on. I learn about the program and about the recovery process.
Nevertheless, most of this happens in my head, not my heart. Reading about it does not make it a part of me.
We have long been counseled by our Church leaders to keep a journal. There are many different kinds of journal writing. Some people primarily record the events of their lives. Others share their deepest feelings, hopes and dreams. No matter what kind of writing you do, and whether you write in a journal or notebook or on a computer, I have found that writing accesses a different part of your brain than pondering or speaking.
When I write, I explore how the things I am learning apply to me; to my life. When I write I find new understanding and practical application of what I have read or heard. I get ideas about how I want to implement these concepts and practices in my life. I make commitments to myself and to God about what I am willing to do today, and start conceptualizing what my life could look like in the future as I become willing to apply more and more of what I have learned.
As I write I report on my progress; report both to myself and to the Lord. I look back at what I have written in the past and see proof of it. As I work to articulate my feelings and my observations I gain keener insight into them and synthesize new ideas I did not even have when I sat down to write.
I am grateful for all that has been written by others; for the raw materials I find there. I am even more grateful for the ability and opportunity to write for myself and co-create the new me with God, starting with who I am today and using those raw materials to become more of what He has given me the potential to be.
I read to learn. I write to grow.
How do you use the tool of writing?
How does/could writing help you to grow?
What are you willing to do today to use writing to co-create the new you with God?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
When it comes to abstinence there are two kinds of addictions. Some addictions are to substances or behavior from which we can totally abstain, such as alcohol or pornography. Other addictions are to substances or behaviors which we must partake of or participate in. The trick is figuring out how to do it without being compulsive or impulsive. I call this “planned abstinence.” Examples of these would be eating, spending, and taking prescribed medications. I described this in a previous post here:
Coming up with a plan of abstinence that works for you may not be easy. You may be able to find a “published” plan that might work as a starting point. If not, you can do basic research, talk to others who struggle with a similar addiction, and seek inspiration to come up with a plan. In certain cases you need to seek and follow the advice of a professional: for example, taking drugs strictly as prescribed. Some people need help from a financial coach to develop a workable budget, and some compulsive eaters need help from a dietitian to develop a food plan.
I developed my own food plan by doing research on various websites. I found a plan to use as a starting point, and adjusted it as I figured out what worked to help me eat abstinently and what sabotaged me. One of the keys to making any plan work is accountability. Compulsive eaters usually need to weigh, measure and record their food. Spenders need to check their spending against the budget and adjust if necessary.
Here is a post that describes my experience in tweaking my own plan a bit more specifically:
Any approach to planned abstinence is very personal. There are some people who do well on a very regimented plan and others who need more flexibility. Another key to success is to be rigorously honest with yourself and not make excuses if you aren’t sticking to the plan. Try to figure out why not, and adjust the plan until you develop something that you will be able to stick to, and helps you to live abstinently.
What aspect of your life might benefit from planned abstinence?
Write about how well you use the two “keys” of abstinence: accountability and rigorous honesty.
What will you do today to move forward in improving your abstinence?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
In the ARP program, each of the steps is associated with a principal of the Gospel. Step 12 is called “Service.” I think it could just as easily have been called “Missionary Work” or “Endure to the End,” and I will write about those another time.
I attended an ARP meeting focused on Step 12 recently. As I listened to the step being read and to the other participants sharing, a flood of thoughts entered my mind about the many ways that we can serve within the program. Members of the Church talk about service a lot. There are so many opportunities for service in the Church and in the world. But for those of us whose lives have been changed by the ARP program, here are some ways that came to my mind that we can “give back,” thus expressing our gratitude to the Lord for this miraculous program of recovery.
Attend Meetings
Without people coming to the meetings, there would be no meetings! If someone really needs a meeting and looks forward to it and they are the only participant when they get there, they are, at the very least, disappointed. Sometimes I don’t feel like going, but I have made a decision to attend certain meetings faithfully, which is a service to others while strengthening my own program.
Be an Example of Hope
When I share my experience, strength, faith and hope at meetings or in private conversations it encourages newcomers who need to see living, breathing examples of recovery. Even those of us who have not yet achieved what we would call recovery can be examples of the determination to start again and keep trying. When I talk to people in the normal course of life, I frequently find that the ARP program comes up. That is probably because it is so important to my happiness and joy. I hope that if they are struggling and would be blessed by participating in the program, their hearts may be touched and they, too might find peace by using the 12 Steps to learn how to better apply the Atonement in their lives.
Invite Others to a Meeting
There are people who know I attend ARP meetings and have seemed curious about the program. When I feel inspired to do so I invite them to attend a meeting with me. It is hard for some people to go to their first meeting alone. What if they see someone there that they know, and are embarrassed? What will happen at the meeting? What if they are expected to share? These and many other questions can keep people from trying the program. When I invite someone to attend a meeting with me, it makes it easier and more comfortable for them to come. This is a service.
Offer a Ride
Some people have transportation issues that make it difficult to attend meetings regularly. When you talk to other participants after the meeting you may become aware of this. Being willing to pick someone up and get them to the meeting can be a great service.
Bear Testimony
If the program has made a big difference in your life, be open to bearing your testimony of that. Some of us do it in Testimony Meeting, others in smaller settings. Be open to the promptings of the Spirit, and seek the willingness to bear testimony of the program.
Share Your Story
On the Church’s ARP website there are wonderful stories shared by people who have received the gift of recovery. What a service to those who don’t know anyone in the program, or who have no meetings in their area or who cannot attend for some reason! Do you have a story of recovery? Would you be willing to share it? Here is a link to the page where you can submit your own recovery story. Share Your Story.
Be a Support Person
A Support Person (called a sponsor in other 12-Step programs) shares their own experience to help guide others as they work the Steps. I have written recently about this and plan to write more in the near future. This is a form of service that blesses the life of the sponsor and much as it blesses the life of the sponsee.
Be a Facilitator
A facilitator is someone who runs the sharing portion of an ARP meeting. If you have been sober for 12 continuous months and are willing to attend a meeting regularly, you may be qualified to be a facilitator. If you feel inspired to do so, contact your Bishop or Stake President and let them know of your willingness to serve. They can give you a copy of the Facilitator Application, which lists all of the qualifications. A facilitator willing to share his or her recovery story and how they apply the steps to their own lives can provide a real service to those who still struggle.
Become a Missionary
ARP meetings are conducted by Church Service Missionaries. These individuals or couples serve part time and live at home. They receive training on how to run a meeting. Sometimes they get to speak at 5th Sunday meetings or other meetings to share information about the ARP program with members of the wards and stakes from which their meeting participants are drawn.
Please feel free to share in the comments below other examples from your own life of how you render Service within the program. I look forward to hearing your ideas!
What kinds of service might you be able to give?
What are you willing to do?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
I am grateful for the opportunity the Lord has given me to help others who struggle with addiction, codependency, character defects, shortcomings, low self-esteem, grief and other challenges. I cannot tell others what they should do, but I can share the experience, strength, faith and hope that have come to me through my years of 12-Step work and church membership. Opportunities to share come to me in ARP meetings, at church, through my blog and most of all, through the work I do as a 12 Step sponsor. A sponsor (called a “support person” in the ARP program) is someone who helps guide someone else who is trying to work the program. I will be writing more in the coming weeks about sponsorship, because it is a critical aspect of success in the process of recovery, and I haven’t written much about it.
Just as I was pondering the importance of sponsorship and feeling prompted to write about it, I came across a passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon that seemed to express the very same thoughts that I was having! In Alma 26:17 -22, Ammon, one of the sons of Mosiah, is talking with his brothers about his awe at having been preserved rather than destroyed because of their wickedness, and getting to serve a successful 14 year mission to the Lamanites. As I read these verses, I clearly saw how they apply to my life in the 12 Step program, specifically as an instrument in the hands of the Lord to bring others to Him.
17 Who could have supposed that our God would have been so merciful as to have snatched us from our awful, sinful, and polluted state?
I could not have imagined that the Lord could and would help me find recovery from my own addictions, shortcomings and character defects.
18 Behold, we went forth even in wrath, with mighty threatenings to destroy his church.
I was critical of others to a fault, causing my own loved ones to stumble and fall. I thought I knew how everyone should run their lives and tried to get them to do it my way. I misused food in a way that hurt my own body.
19 Oh then, why did he not consign us to an awful destruction, yea, why did he not let the sword of his justice fall upon us, and doom us to eternal despair?
Then why did he not just let me suffer the consequences of my actions, and live a lonely, bitter and unhealthy life?
20 Oh, my soul, almost as it were, fleeth at the thought. Behold, he did not exercise his justice upon us, but in his great mercy hath brought us over that everlasting gulf of death and misery, even to the salvation of our souls.
In his great mercy he brought me to an understanding of the Atonement. He taught me how to access its enabling power to let go of my shortcomings and character defects and learn a better way to live. He enabled me to recover damaged relationships and He blessed me with new ones.
21 And now behold, my brethren, what natural man is there that knoweth these things? I say unto you, there is none that knoweth these things, save it be the penitent. 22 Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing—unto such it is given to know themysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given toreveal things which never have been revealed;
I could not have done these things myself, relying solely upon my own power. As I have continually sought closeness to Him, attended 12 Step meetings, Church and the Temple, been willing to humble myself and turn to Him for relief from bitterness, hurt and resentment, He has granted me strength to make better choices and has removed my “stony heart” and given me a new one. (Ezekiel 36:26)
yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren to repentance.
Because I have, through the grace and mercy of God, received recovery rather than the natural consequences of my choices, I can be a living example of hope for those who still struggle with addiction or damaged relationships, and be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to bring them to Him.
Being willing to sponsor and share my experience, strength and hope with those who still suffer is like the sons of Mosiah going on a mission to the Lamanites. I can be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to bring unto Him those who haven’t yet found their way to Him and help them learn to access the glorious power of the Atonement and apply it in their lives.
How does your program of recovery benefit from having a sponsor?
How do you share your experience, strength, faith and hope with others who are still struggling?
What are you willing to do to help more people find the recovery you have found and learn to turn to the Lord instead of the world when they are stressed and need help?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
When I do something good, am I motivated by fear, duty, or love? It makes a difference! Regardless of whether I am performing a service for someone else or for myself, the quality of the outcome is affected by my motivation.
Motivated by Fear
When fear is my motivation for doing good, it might be because I am afraid I will get in trouble or look bad to others if I don’t do it. For example, when someone is on probation, they may do all the right things because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t. People who attend Church only to avoid giving the neighbors something to talk about are motivated by fear. Doing something good because I don’t want to disappoint someone I care about is another example. In any case, when I am motivated by fear, my heart is not in it. I most likely receive very little joy or blessing as a result of doing it.
Motivated by Duty
Being motivated by duty is a little bit higher on the motivation scale. When I am motivated by duty, I know it is the “right thing to do” and I am choosing to be obedient. Participating in a service project because “someone has to do it” is an example of this. It doesn’t contain quite as much of a negative undertone as being motivated by fear, but when I am motivated by duty I am still holding something back. Obedience is good. Doing the right thing is good. But again, I will not receive all the blessings of joy and satisfaction that are possible when I act out of duty.
Motivated by Love
The highest level of motivation is love or charity (“the pure love of Christ”). If I go serve at the nursing home because my heart goes out to the people there and I want to bring them joy and happiness, I am serving with love. If I go to Church and partake of the sacrament on Sunday because I love the Lord and want to renew my covenants with Him, I will look forward to it and be filled with the Spirit as I do it. If I put hours into my calling that no one will ever know about or see because I feel inspired to do so and it makes me happy, I am motivated by love.
Motivation in Working the Steps
When I work my 12 Step program, the same three levels of motivation apply. Which level I am on will determine how much I will get out of the work I am doing. If I attend meetings because I am mandated to do so by the court or study and write because I am afraid that if I stop I will relapse, that is better than nothing! If I do it because I know I am a child of God, I deserve to be free from my addictions, and I believe that if I work the program I will find sobriety, that is better. But if my 12 Step work is motivated by my love of the Lord, my gratitude for the Atonement He made for me, the joy I find in serving and a desire to become an instrument in His hands to help others find recovery, then I open myself up to receiving the full blessings He wants to bestow upon me.
“Consider whether your activity in the Church is still motivated by fear or duty or if it is a natural outgrowth of your reborn faith in Christ.” (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, p. 54.)
What is your motivation for working the 12 Step program?
Are you satisfied with your level of motivation and activity in the program?
What will you do today to improve your motivation, activity, and progress?
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I have been working the 12 Steps since 1999. I actually started going to meetings in 1991, but didn’t get a sponsor and start working the program for eight years. Even in those early years, as I went to meetings week after week, I heard people talk about what helped them find sobriety and serenity, and what caused them to stumble. As I have listened to others, and as I have worked the Steps myself, I have gained an understanding of the importance of looking for patterns – patterns that help me grow as well as patterns that undermine my recovery. I have learned to look for them, analyze them, and use them to my advantage.
Patterns in Practice
The first time I became aware of the importance of a pattern was when I finally became willing to start recording the food I ate. It was the first change I became willing to make in my life as a result of my participation in the 12 Step program. I wasn’t willing to change how I ate at that point or tell anyone else what I was eating, and I certainly wasn’t willing to plan my food, but I decided that I was willing to record what I was eating.
Two things began to happen when I started to collect data on what I was eating. First of all, I started to lose weight. Why? Because I found that I had been eating mindlessly – picking up a handful of something every time I passed through the kitchen. When I committed to writing down every bite that went into my mouth, I discovered that some of the food I had been eating just wasn’t worth the effort it took to write it down! So the mindless snacking was cut way back.
The second thing was that I started to notice patterns. I could eat lunch on one day, and eat a different lunch the next day, both of which contained approximately the same number of servings from the same food groups, and find that I was satisfied when I finished one lunch but still wanted to eat more after I finished the other. As I continued to record what I ate, a pattern emerged. My satisfaction level was controlled not simply by how much I ate, or what kinds of foods I ate. The most important factor in determining whether I would be satisfied was texture – specifically crunch! If I didn’t get enough crunch in a meal, I wanted to continue eating. As soon as I came to that realization, I started keeping crunchy foods in the house and I found that I could eat less, be satisfied, and lose more weight!
Looking for patterns in an inventory
One of the objectives I have when receiving someone’s 5th step inventory, is to help them identify a list of shortcomings and character defects they can use as input to Step 6. As I listen to the person share their inventory, I make note of patterns I hear. Are they using certain words repeatedly? Does the same kind of thing keep happening to them? These patterns usually point to a shortcoming or character defect that I jot down. When they are done sharing their inventory I ask them to look back over it and identify any patterns they can find, and come up with their own list of shortcomings. Then we compare lists and talk about what they think they need to become willing to turn over to God as they embark on Step 6.
Dailies
The use of patterns I mentioned so far is for taking a look at past behavior and understanding it better. Patterns can also help us create healthier and more effective ways of living. In the program I often hear people talk about “the dailies.” This is a set of activities they do every day to help them maintain sobriety and happiness. Here are some of the dailies that help me live a life of recovery:
Scripture Study
At one time in my life I heard people talk about the importance of daily scripture study. I just couldn’t seem to find time to do it. Finally, I made a decision to get up before my children, very early in the morning, and try to establish a pattern of daily scripture study and prayer. I was successful and it made a big difference in my life.
Prayer
I try to write my morning prayer every day. That is a part of my “dailies.” Written prayer helps me “tune in” to the right frequency to connect with the Lord all day long.
Exercise
My husband and I walk each morning. It is good for our health and good for our relationship. It also gets our day off to a good start. This is a pattern that helps me in my life.
Long-time readers will know that I believe structure is a very important aspect of living a sober and successful life. Collecting data to analyze and looking for self-limiting patterns helps me to identify things I need to change. Establishing recovery-promoting patterns helps me put a framework in place to allow the Lord to change me from within so that I can live my best life.
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Losing a loved one is always hard. Even when they have lived a good life and are just “done”, it is hard to let go; to accept that there will now be a time of separation. For those who have a testimony of life after death, it can be a little easier, because we have hope of being together again. But the pain of missing them is still a reality of life.
Acceptance
The key to peace for me, as I lost first my father and then my mother within ten months, is acceptance. In On Grief and Grieving Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler identified 5 stages in the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I know that many people do experience these five stages, and it is good for them to understand the process so that they don’t think something is wrong with them as they pass through these emotions.
My Experience
Thirty years ago I lost my three year-old son Mikey in a drowning accident. It was certainly unexpected and played out quickly over just a few days. Now I have lost my Dad and my Mom who both declined slowly over years and months. In all three cases, regardless of whether death came suddenly and unexpectedly, as a welcome relief, or was a quiet, peaceful passing, my experience with grief and loss seems to be colored by my testimony of an afterlife and the 12-Step work I have done on acceptance. I have learned to trust the Lord in all things, everyday. I have learned that with His help I can overcome anything; he will give me the strength and power to do all things that are expedient unto him (see Moroni 7:33.)
As far as I can tell, I have not experienced denial, anger, bargaining or depression in the face of death; some sadness – yes, but sadness is not depression. I have been blessed to go immediately to a place of acceptance. It is a comfortable place. I am grateful for this gift.
The morning I got word that my mother had slipped through the veil, I was standing in the bedroom and the following conversation took place in my head. I seemed to hear my mother speaking to me.
Mom: “You know what? There IS an afterlife! And Dad is here, too!!!”
Me: “I know, Mom. ?”
Then, a few minutes later, I was reflecting on the fact that I never “heard from” Dad after he died, and I thought, “He was too proud and stubborn to tell me I was right”. And then, in my head, I heard HIS voice: “Yeah, yeah.?”
As I wrote my prayers in the days following my mother’s death, this came to me in the Lord’s response to one prayer:
“Your Mom and Dad are adjusting to the new realities of their lives. Because your Mom is more open to learning new truth that is not consistent with the ‘traditions of their fathers,’ she and your Dad will be walking the same spiritual path at the same time, despite his earlier arrival. It helps that Mikey, and their parents, are able to visit with and teach them. Oh, what interesting conversations are taking place up here. ?”
As I said at the end of my post about Dad’s death, it is what it is. I am at peace. And I am grateful.
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It has been a long time since I posted; a long time since I have written. I wish I could say that I was working diligently on my book manuscript. That would be an impressive excuse, right? The truth is, structure is what keeps me moving forward in life, like the tracks keep a train headed in the right direction. When events interfere with my normal, daily structure my productivity and the manageability of my life suffers.
My husband is a teacher and we have a high-schooler still at home. My last blog post was May 20th, the last week of the 2014/2015 school year. Don’t get me wrong, I love having my family around and spending time with them, but it is easy for me to get caught up in the things they are excited to do after they are FINALLY done with school, and to put my “own” life on hold. That would have been fine, for a couple of weeks. But a couple of weeks stretched into a month, and then I went to Boston to see my mother. And the stuff on my desk started piling up.
Mom was in a nursing home. I had planned to go see her in June. It turned out that my eight year-old granddaughter was going to summer camp for the first time and needed someone to pick her up from western Massachusetts in mid-July and get her home to Utah, so I arranged my trip so that I could do both. Then Mom got pneumonia the week before I was to go see her. We decided to give her antibiotics at the nursing home and prayed I would get there in time. I did. We had a peaceful and calming visit for five days as I mostly sat by her bedside while she slept. She died peacefully in her sleep a few days after I returned home. My desk was a mess.
I thought I might write about losing my mom at the time. I had written about my Dad’s death 10 months earlier. But it just didn’t come.
Then school started again, and I thought; “Now I will get back on the horse, back to writing regularly.” But I didn’t. I didn’t clean my desk, either. There was always something I needed to take care of – something urgent. Maybe not very important, but always urgent.
As the mess on my desk became deeper and deeper, it became more and more difficult to think about writing.
In late September, I went to Utah to help my daughter settle in after she and her husband bought a new home. Over Columbus Day weekend, my family and friends gathered for a memorial service in New York City, where my parents had lived until the last few years of their lives. It was lovely. I felt both uplifted and enlightened by the things people shared about my mom and even received insight into several of my own character traits that I had not previously thought of as being like hers.
When I got back the desk was not visible under the paper. I felt overwhelmed. Then someone, a reader, finally noticed that I hadn’t written in awhile.
So I have had a season of not writing; and not keeping my desk clear. And now it is the season to start doing those things again. My good friend Joan came over and worked quietly on her own writing while I worked on my desk. She was like an anchor, keeping me from getting sidetracked and from meandering off into the woods of all the other things I would rather be doing. I even did a little more after she left. Now I can see the desk. There is still a lot of filing to do, but it feels more manageable now. I will continue to work on clearing the desk and filing the paper because I like it that way – not because it is anyone else’s expectation of me. And I will try once more to implement the structure that helps me keep it that way.
I have started writing again. It feels good. I hope it helps you. It makes me happy to help other people in their journey of recovery. I know it helps me.
Much love,
Mira
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“Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.”
Step 5 (Confession) is one of those “scary” steps. It is the first one in which we actually have to talk to someone else about our past. If we have never done this before, it can seem overwhelming. Here are 6 observations about working Step 5, based on the manual for the Addiction Recovery Program of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing.
1. Emotional Isolation ↔ Addictive Behavior
In the first paragraph of Step 5 the Guide talks about addiction “thriving” in an atmosphere of emotional isolation. I think addiction and emotional isolation feed off of each other. They are like the chicken and the egg; which comes first? When we isolate (avoid social interactions, stop sharing our feelings with loved ones, etc.) we are more likely to engage in addictive behavior. At the same time, when we indulge in our addictions, we are more likely to withdraw and isolate. We need to be on the alert for both so that we can recognize that we are heading down a potentially dangerous path regardless of which one comes first this time.
2. The Need for a Sponsor or Support Person
In the Church we are familiar with the role of the Bishop as someone to whom we can confess sins of a serious nature in order to be sure that we are on the correct path to repentance. Step 5 of the manual talks about the importance of doing this. But then it goes on to say “We also selected another trusted person to whom we could disclose the exact nature of our wrongs. We tried to select someone who had gone through steps 4 and 5 and who was well-grounded in the gospel.”
Most commonly the person to whom we read our inventories is our sponsor or “support person” as s/he is referred to in the Guide. This person already knows us and loves us. S/he has helped us to work through the previous steps and wants only the best for us. It has been my privilege to have been that support person for quite a few 5th Steps. No matter what they tell me, the Spirit is there and helps me avoid rejecting, judging or preaching to them. We have all done things that we would rather not have to admit, but admitting them allows us to finally put them behind us and become free of the past and able to welcome the changes that the Lord will help us achieve in the remaining steps.
3. A Sponsor Can Hold Up a Mirror
Following the previous quote, the Guide goes on to say, “The individuals who listened to our inventories often helped us see lingering areas of self-deception.” When my sponsees share their inventories with me, I listen for patterns. Are there certain behaviors or motivations that I hear over and over again? After she is done sharing I reflect back to her what I have heard. I help her to identify shortcomings and weaknesses that are expressing themselves through the behaviors and attitudes that she shared with me.
4. Generate a List of Shortcomings and Weaknesses
Each step has an input and an output. The input to Step 5 is the moral inventory we wrote in Step 4. The output of Step 5 is a list of character weaknesses and shortcomings. We will need that as we begin working Step 6, which is about becoming ready and willing to turn our character weaknesses over to God.
5. Disclosing ALL Your Weaknesses
When someone shares their inventory with me, there are usually one or two things that they really feel uncomfortable disclosing. Holding back those things is like declaring bankruptcy without telling the judge about the most embarrassing of your debts. (See Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free.) Don’t be afraid. You will survive sharing everything. Hundreds of thousands of others have done this and lived to tell about it. In fact, they almost universally found a new freedom and a new happiness by doing it. It is like taking off a backpack full of heavy rocks.
6. When You Are Ready, You Will WANT to Do It
This is true for every step. If I am not ready for a particular step, I look ahead with dread to it. This may even cause me to procrastinate working the program at all. It is a waste of time and a tool of the Adversary. If I have completed a thorough and fearless inventory in Step 4 to the best of my ability, I want to give it away in Step 5. If I am not ready to give it away, then I am not really finished with Step 4. I should pray for guidance. Perhaps I missed something? Maybe I didn’t dig deep enough? When I am ready to move on to Step 5, I will be anxious to give away my inventory.
Trust the Lord and trust the program. Prayerfully select a sponsor or support person who has worked the program and let them help you work it one step at a time and pray for guidance. “It works when you work it, and you’re worth it.”
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Most people come to the 12-Steps because they have a habit or addiction that has not been permanently healed or relieved by other approaches. What is different among newcomers is the level of fear they feel about becoming free from their addiction, about how hard it might be to work the Steps and about failing.
Desperate to Be Free
A common thought in 12-Step circles and literature is that “when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution we will be ready to change.” Another way to say this is that when we are sufficiently desperate to be free from our addiction, we will be willing to do the work, even if we don’t want to do it. Desperation works in our favor in this area.
Fearful of the Process of Working the Steps
Often we get hung up looking ahead at the future steps that we are afraid of having to do. We obsess about things like:
If I turn my will and my life over to God, what if His plan for me or His timing is not what I want? (Step 3)
If I have already confessed and repented of a past transgression, do I have to include it in my 4th step inventory? (Step 4)
If my sponsor knew everything I have done s/he would judge me or reject me. (Step 5)
What will my life be like without a particular weakness or shortcoming that I see as an integral part of who I am? (Step 6)
What if I ask God to remove my character defect and He doesn’t? (Step 7)
I don’t think I can forgive the one who caused me such pain! (Step 8)
What if I try to make amends to someone and they reject me? (Step 9)
The purpose of working the program is to access the Atonement to relieve you of guilt, shame, and resentment and enable you to fulfill your potential with the help of the Lord.
“For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men lineuponline, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.” (2 Nephi 28:30)
We work the program one step at a time for a reason. That is the pattern the Lord has set up for us to learn truth and wisdom. We are not ready to work a step until we have completed the previous step. When we have really completed a step we want to move on to the next one. The fears listed above are gifts from the Adversary to stop our forward progress. There are specific answers for each one of them but the most important thing to keep in mind is this: if we stop thinking about the future steps and just focus on the step we are currently working on, we will make progress and find recovery.
Fear of Failure
The most debilitating fear is that even if we do the steps, we will not be freed from our addictions. If we come to the 12-Steps believing that we have tried every other approach to becoming free, and that this is our last chance and only hope, then the fear that even this will not work can be paralyzing. Sometimes people stop attending meetings and stop working the steps because they are afraid that if it doesn’t work they will be left without hope.
The most poignant answer to this fear comes directly from the Lord:
2 Timothy 1:7For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
If the spirit of fear does not come from God, then where does it come from? Refuse to accept that gift from the Adversary. Instead, gratefully receive the gifts of power, love, and a sound mind that the Lord is willing to give you.
What fears are holding back your progress?
Are you willing to receive the gifts of power, love and a sound mind that the Lord offers you?
Write about what you and your life would be like if you received those gifts.
What will you do today to take a step towards living without fear?
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“Step 3: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”
Steps 1 and 2 are about gaining new understanding (1 – that I am powerless and 2 – that God can restore me) and being willing to integrate that understanding into my belief system. In Step 3 I make a decision to allow God to restore me and to allow Him give me the power to do what I have been unable to do for myself; the power to be healed from my addiction, from my shortcomings, and from my afflictions.
Allow God to do something? Really? Am I in a position to determine whether God can do anything or not? God is omnipotent! Of course He is. But, if I hold so tightly to my own puny power and will that I cannot open my heart to receive His gifts then there is nothing He can do. Why? Because above all else, God respects my agency, the greatest gift he has given me. Agency is the principle over which the war in Heaven was fought. Agency is the essential element of the Plan of Salvation. There is no need for the Fall or the Atonement (primary elements of the Plan of Salvation) unless we have agency. The point of the Fall is to put me in a position to learn to use my agency to walk in faith and obedience, and become like the Savior. The point of the Atonement is to provide power for me to overcome my weaknesses and shortcomings on my journey and to pay the demands of justice so that I can return to Heavenly Father’s presence even though I will never achieve perfection on this earth. At the heart of the whole plan is Agency.
Working a 12-Step program is not really about the steps, willpower, sponsors or meetings. It is about grace. It is about understanding that God’s grace is a free gift to all of his children, not made conditional on worthiness or anything else. When we open our hearts to receive His grace, to receive the power He atoned and died to provide for us, we use our agency to pick up the one thing we need to recover from addiction, overcome grief, or be healed from trauma.
Write about your decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Are you willing to receive both the enabling and redeeming powers of the Atonement to help you on your journey of recovery? (See Elder Bednar’s 2012 conference talk: The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality)
What will you do today to use your agency to make progress?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
“Some people recognize the need to be free from addiction but are not yet willing to begin. If you are in that situation, perhaps you can begin by acknowledging your unwillingness and considering the costs of your addiction. You can list what is important to you. Look at your family and social relationships, your relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability to help and bless others, your health. Then look for contradictions between what you believe in and hope for and your behavior. Consider how your actions undermine what you value.” (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, pp. 1-2)
I once participated in a marriage enrichment seminar. One of the exercises was to make two lists. On the first list we each wrote down the things that were important to us; the things we believed and hoped for. On the other list we wrote how we actually spent our time. The leader of the activity shared that when he first did this exercise, he listed “relationship with children” as one of his values. When he actually looked at what he spent his time doing, he realized with chagrin that his behavior indicated that watching old Star Trek reruns was more important to him than building his relationships with his children. That is the kind of contradiction I think the passage I quoted from Step 1 in the Guide is talking about.
For me, part of working Step 1 is this kind of inventory. How does my behavior compare to my beliefs and values? If I say I would like to have a good relationship with my husband but my behavior tells me that I judge or belittle him, I need to admit that there is a contradiction between my behaviors and my values. The same thing applies if I don’t spend time with him, or I ignore his needs and expectations.
I say that I would like to be healthy and maintain a normal weight. If an inventory of my behavior tells me that I am obsessing about food, eating food I have not planned, letting portion sizes get out of control, or eating foods that I know are not good for me, my behavior is undermining what I value.
Becoming aware of these contradictions does not mean that I can immediately fix my behavior. In fact, that is why I am embarking upon a 12-Step journey: because I have not been able to change my own behavior despite my best efforts. That is OK. The good news of Step 1 is that I can have hope. I need to be willing to admit that I am powerless and work the 12-Step program as honestly and faithfully as I can. If I do these things, the Lord, through the power of the Atonement, will either remove my weaknesses and shortcomings or give me the power I need to turn them into strengths.
Try writing a Step-1 Inventory listing your values and beliefs on one side and listing your relevant behavior on the other.
Are there any contradictions between your behavior and what you say your values are?
Do you have hope that it is possible for you to overcome these contradictions with the Lord’s help?
What will you do today to make progress?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
When I first began the journey of overcoming my food addiction, I attended 12-Step meetings, read the literature between meetings and talked to my sponsor, but I told her right up front, “I am not yet willing to change anything about the way I eat.” After about 6 months of “working” the steps, I received a gift from the Lord, a tiny little bit of willingness. I wasn’t ready to change the way I ate yet, but I found the willingness to start recording what I was eating.
