All posts by Mira Daniels

Answer to Prayer – Hymn of Comfort

January 28, 2016ToolsMusicMira Daniels

One morning, years ago, during a particularly dark time in my life, I awoke with a melody in my mind. I could hear it clearly, but it was unfamiliar to me. I had been praying very fervently for comfort from the Lord and it seemed to me that this melody might be related to that prayer.

It sounded sort of like a hymn, so I found my LDS hymn book and began looking through the pages one song at a time, hoping to find a melody that followed the pattern of the one in my head. I had looked at over a hundred hymns, and nothing seemed even close. I was beginning to wonder if I was on a wild goose chase, when I turned a page and found it clearly and poignantly staring up at me from the page. Even more astonishing were the words . They were comforting, uplifting and so relevant to what I was feeling!

Hymn 114: Come unto Him

I wander through the still of night,
When solitude is ev’rywhere–
Alone, beneath the starry light,
And yet I know that God is there.
I kneel upon the grass and pray;
An answer comes without a voice.
It takes my burden all away
And makes my aching heart rejoice.

When I am filled with strong desire
And ask a boon of him, I see
No miracle of living fire,
But what I ask flows into me.
And when the tempest rages high
I feel no arm around me thrust,
But ev’ry storm goes rolling by
When I repose in him my trust.

It matters not what may befall,
What threat’ning hand hangs over me;
He is my rampart through it all,
My refuge from mine enemy.
Come unto him all ye depressed,
Ye erring souls whose eyes are dim,
Ye weary ones who long for rest.
Come unto him! Come unto him!

Text: Theodore E. Curtis, 1872-1957
Music: Hugh W. Dougall, 1872-1963

Reading these words and singing this song brought me solace, comfort and peace in that moment and has done so many times since. Uplifting music is one of the tools of the 12-Step program. I find the third verse particularly poignant with regard to my recovery. He is my refuge from my enemy (at times my addiction, at times Satan himself). Depression seems to be a close companion to addiction. When I was active in my addiction it was very difficult to see things clearly. Were my eyes not “dim?” And I certainly did long for (emotional) rest.

I have come unto Him. I have learned to turn to Him for comfort and peace; for the power to do the hard things He asks me to do. The storms (which do come) go rolling by yet I can have peace and serenity. I can feel His presence. I can “be still and know that [He is] God.” (D&C 101:16, Psalms 46:10)

I don’t recall ever waking up with a melody in my mind prior to or since this experience. It was then, and continues to be a witness to me that God knows who I am. He knows what I need. He has the power to meet those needs directly, and through others.

I am grateful for my testimony of this.

How does the Lord answer your prayers?
How does uplifting music help you “Come unto Him”?
What can you do today to better rely on the Lord to be your “rampart” or “refuge from your enemy”?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

What is a 12-Step Sponsor?

January 13, 2016Working the ProgramSponsorshipMira Daniels

Some days I am filled with awe at the privilege I have been given to support others as they work the 12-Step program. A sponsor (or “support person”) is someone who guides another through the Steps by sharing their own journey. A sponsor doesn’t tell the person what to do. They share what has worked for them. They hold up a “mirror” to help the person they are supporting see things about themselves that would be difficult to discern on their own.

How it works

There is no set way to sponsor. Typically each person who sponsors will have a certain way of working with their sponsees. When someone asks them to be a sponsor, they will explain how they do it. The sponsee will share with the sponsor what their goals for working the program are and how they want to go about it. Each of them can then decide if it seems like they would work well together.

The elements of a sponsor/sponsee relationship usually include regular contact (phone, email or text) during which the sponsee reports on their abstinence and what they are doing to work the program. This might include attending meetings, making outreach calls, reading/studying program literature and/or writing among other things. The sponsor may share their own experience, strength and hope with the sponsee to help them progress. The relationship can stay in place as long as it continues to work for both parties.

How I sponsor

I like to talk to my sponsees by phone each day, Monday through Friday. However, some of my sponsees cannot call every day, so we decide on a schedule that will work for both of us. I like them to text me on the days we don’t talk. I am looking for answers to three questions when we talk/text.

How has your abstinence been since we last communicated?
What would you like to share with me from the program reading/writing you have done lately?
What do you have coming up between now and the next time we communicate that could make you vulnerable to acting out in your addiction?

This last question helps my sponsees to think ahead and make plans so that they will not be “blind-sided” and react by turning to their addiction in a moment of stress.

During our conversation I listen carefully to what my sponsee says and try to “hold up a mirror” and reflect back to them what I hear. Many times my sponsees have not been able to see their behavior and attitudes objectively and they appreciate my perspective on what they have shared. I sometimes feel inspired to suggest a specific book, article or talk to read and write about. Also, when appropriate, I share my own experience and what has been effective for me in the past with regard to the program work or challenges my sponsee is currently working on.

Being a conduit for the Spirit

I love being a conduit for the Spirit. As I talk to my sponsees, I often hear myself making suggestions or observations that I know did not come from the recesses of my own mind. I marvel that I can be an instrument in the hands of the Lord in this way. I sometimes hear thoughts and ideas coming out of my mouth that I needed to hear and apply myself!

Being a spiritual “midwife”

I love watching as those I sponsor get their feet under them, start to find healing and hope, and begin to rely upon the Savior and the power of His Atonement to receive the strength they need to make better choices. I love hearing about how their lives are improving. I feel joy as they start to let go of the heavy burdens that they have been dragging around and find happiness and hope in their lives. As they come to experience the true “change of heart” promised by the Savior, a new person is born, the old shortcomings and character defects being shed as the son or daughter of God emerges.

If you are already a sponsor, are you careful not to tell people what to do, but rather share your own experience, strength, faith and hope?
If you are not already a sponsor, are you willing to humbly seek the counsel of the Lord as to whether you are ready to sponsor, and if you are not, ask Him what you need to do to become ready?
How will you let newcomers and others know that you are available to help them find success in the program?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Read to Learn; Write to Grow

January 6, 2016Tools, Working the ProgramGrowth, Literature, WritingMira Daniels

As I work on my recovery, I learn so much from reading. This includes 12-Step program literature, scriptures, spiritually uplifting talks by Church leaders, books and other sources. I get new ideas, see things I may not have seen before and gain understanding. I learn new tips and techniques for dealing with temptation or stress. I find metaphors that help me make sense of my own strengths and shortcomings and the journey I am on. I learn about the program and about the recovery process.

Nevertheless, most of this happens in my head, not my heart. Reading about it does not make it a part of me.

We have long been counseled by our Church leaders to keep a journal. There are many different kinds of journal writing. Some people primarily record the events of their lives. Others share their deepest feelings, hopes and dreams. No matter what kind of writing you do, and whether you write in a journal or notebook or on a computer, I have found that writing accesses a different part of your brain than pondering or speaking.

When I write, I explore how the things I am learning apply to me; to my life. When I write I find new understanding and practical application of what I have read or heard. I get ideas about how I want to implement these concepts and practices in my life. I make commitments to myself and to God about what I am willing to do today, and start conceptualizing what my life could look like in the future as I become willing to apply more and more of what I have learned.

As I write I report on my progress; report both to myself and to the Lord. I look back at what I have written in the past and see proof of it. As I work to articulate my feelings and my observations I gain keener insight into them and synthesize new ideas I did not even have when I sat down to write.

I am grateful for all that has been written by others; for the raw materials I find there. I am even more grateful for the ability and opportunity to write for myself and co-create the new me with God, starting with who I am today and using those raw materials to become more of what He has given me the potential to be.

I read to learn. I write to grow.

How do you use the tool of writing?
How does/could writing help you to grow?
What are you willing to do today to use writing to co-create the new you with God?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Planned Abstinence

December 30, 2015Working the ProgramAbstinence, Plan, StructureMira Daniels

When it comes to abstinence there are two kinds of addictions. Some addictions are to substances or behavior from which we can totally abstain, such as alcohol or pornography. Other addictions are to substances or behaviors which we must partake of or participate in. The trick is figuring out how to do it without being compulsive or impulsive. I call this “planned abstinence.” Examples of these would be eating, spending, and taking prescribed medications. I described this in a previous post here:

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 3

Coming up with a plan of abstinence that works for you may not be easy. You may be able to find a “published” plan that might work as a starting point. If not, you can do basic research, talk to others who struggle with a similar addiction, and seek inspiration to come up with a plan. In certain cases you need to seek and follow the advice of a professional: for example, taking drugs strictly as prescribed. Some people need help from a financial coach to develop a workable budget, and some compulsive eaters need help from a dietitian to develop a food plan.

I developed my own food plan by doing research on various websites. I found a plan to use as a starting point, and adjusted it as I figured out what worked to help me eat abstinently and what sabotaged me. One of the keys to making any plan work is accountability. Compulsive eaters usually need to weigh, measure and record their food. Spenders need to check their spending against the budget and adjust if necessary.

Here is a post that describes my experience in tweaking my own plan a bit more specifically:

Some Patterns Cause Us to Stumble, Others Help Us Build

Any approach to planned abstinence is very personal. There are some people who do well on a very regimented plan and others who need more flexibility. Another key to success is to be rigorously honest with yourself and not make excuses if you aren’t sticking to the plan. Try to figure out why not, and adjust the plan until you develop something that you will be able to stick to, and helps you to live abstinently.

What aspect of your life might benefit from planned abstinence?
Write about how well you use the two “keys” of abstinence: accountability and rigorous honesty.
What will you do today to move forward in improving your abstinence?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Step 12: Service within the Program

December 16, 2015Tools, Working the ProgramGratitude, Service, Step-12Mira Daniels

In the ARP program, each of the steps is associated with a principal of the Gospel. Step 12 is called “Service.” I think it could just as easily have been called “Missionary Work” or “Endure to the End,” and I will write about those another time.

I attended an ARP meeting focused on Step 12 recently. As I listened to the step being read and to the other participants sharing, a flood of thoughts entered my mind about the many ways that we can serve within the program. Members of the Church talk about service a lot. There are so many opportunities for service in the Church and in the world. But for those of us whose lives have been changed by the ARP program, here are some ways that came to my mind that we can “give back,” thus expressing our gratitude to the Lord for this miraculous program of recovery.

Attend Meetings

Without people coming to the meetings, there would be no meetings! If someone really needs a meeting and looks forward to it and they are the only participant when they get there, they are, at the very least, disappointed. Sometimes I don’t feel like going, but I have made a decision to attend certain meetings faithfully, which is a service to others while strengthening my own program.

Be an Example of Hope

When I share my experience, strength, faith and hope at meetings or in private conversations it encourages newcomers who need to see living, breathing examples of recovery. Even those of us who have not yet achieved what we would call recovery can be examples of the determination to start again and keep trying. When I talk to people in the normal course of life, I frequently find that the ARP program comes up. That is probably because it is so important to my happiness and joy. I hope that if they are struggling and would be blessed by participating in the program, their hearts may be touched and they, too might find peace by using the 12 Steps to learn how to better apply the Atonement in their lives.

Invite Others to a Meeting

There are people who know I attend ARP meetings and have seemed curious about the program. When I feel inspired to do so I invite them to attend a meeting with me. It is hard for some people to go to their first meeting alone. What if they see someone there that they know, and are embarrassed? What will happen at the meeting? What if they are expected to share? These and many other questions can keep people from trying the program. When I invite someone to attend a meeting with me, it makes it easier and more comfortable for them to come. This is a service.

Offer a Ride

Some people have transportation issues that make it difficult to attend meetings regularly. When you talk to other participants after the meeting you may become aware of this. Being willing to pick someone up and get them to the meeting can be a great service.

Bear Testimony

If the program has made a big difference in your life, be open to bearing your testimony of that. Some of us do it in Testimony Meeting, others in smaller settings. Be open to the promptings of the Spirit, and seek the willingness to bear testimony of the program.

Share Your Story

On the Church’s ARP website there are wonderful stories shared by people who have received the gift of recovery. What a service to those who don’t know anyone in the program, or who have no meetings in their area or who cannot attend for some reason! Do you have a story of recovery? Would you be willing to share it? Here is a link to the page where you can submit your own recovery story. Share Your Story.

Be a Support Person

A Support Person (called a sponsor in other 12-Step programs) shares their own experience to help guide others as they work the Steps. I have written recently about this and plan to write more in the near future. This is a form of service that blesses the life of the sponsor and much as it blesses the life of the sponsee.

Be a Facilitator

A facilitator is someone who runs the sharing portion of an ARP meeting. If you have been sober for 12 continuous months and are willing to attend a meeting regularly, you may be qualified to be a facilitator. If you feel inspired to do so, contact your Bishop or Stake President and let them know of your willingness to serve. They can give you a copy of the Facilitator Application, which lists all of the qualifications. A facilitator willing to share his or her recovery story and how they apply the steps to their own lives can provide a real service to those who still struggle.

Become a Missionary

ARP meetings are conducted by Church Service Missionaries. These individuals or couples serve part time and live at home. They receive training on how to run a meeting. Sometimes they get to speak at 5th Sunday meetings or other meetings to share information about the ARP program with members of the wards and stakes from which their meeting participants are drawn.

Please feel free to share in the comments below other examples from your own life of how you render Service within the program. I look forward to hearing your ideas!

What kinds of service might you be able to give?
What are you willing to do?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Being a 12-Step Sponsor is Like Serving a Mission

December 9, 2015Working the ProgramSponsorshipMira Daniels

I am grateful for the opportunity the Lord has given me to help others who struggle with addiction, codependency, character defects, shortcomings, low self-esteem, grief and other challenges. I cannot tell others what they should do, but I can share the experience, strength, faith and hope that have come to me through my years of 12-Step work and church membership. Opportunities to share come to me in ARP meetings, at church, through my blog and most of all, through the work I do as a 12 Step sponsor. A sponsor (called a “support person” in the ARP program) is someone who helps guide someone else who is trying to work the program. I will be writing more in the coming weeks about sponsorship, because it is a critical aspect of success in the process of recovery, and I haven’t written much about it.

Just as I was pondering the importance of sponsorship and feeling prompted to write about it, I came across a passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon that seemed to express the very same thoughts that I was having! In Alma 26:17 -22, Ammon, one of the sons of Mosiah, is talking with his brothers about his awe at having been preserved rather than destroyed because of their wickedness, and getting to serve a successful 14 year mission to the Lamanites. As I read these verses, I clearly saw how they apply to my life in the 12 Step program, specifically as an instrument in the hands of the Lord to bring others to Him.

Alma 26:17 -22	“Likening” these verses unto myself
17 Who could have supposed that our God would have been so merciful as to have snatched us from our awful, sinful, and polluted state?	I could not have imagined that the Lord could and would help me find recovery from my own addictions, shortcomings and character defects.
18 Behold, we went forth even in wrath, with mighty threatenings to destroy his church.	I was critical of others to a fault, causing my own loved ones to stumble and fall. I thought I knew how everyone should run their lives and tried to get them to do it my way. I misused food in a way that hurt my own body.
19 Oh then, why did he not consign us to an awful destruction, yea, why did he not let the sword of his justice fall upon us, and doom us to eternal despair?	Then why did he not just let me suffer the consequences of my actions, and live a lonely, bitter and unhealthy life?
20 Oh, my soul, almost as it were, fleeth at the thought. Behold, he did not exercise his justice upon us, but in his great mercy hath brought us over that everlasting gulf of death and misery, even to the salvation of our souls.	In his great mercy he brought me to an understanding of the Atonement. He taught me how to access its enabling power to let go of my shortcomings and character defects and learn a better way to live. He enabled me to recover damaged relationships and He blessed me with new ones.
21 And now behold, my brethren, what natural man is there that knoweth these things? I say unto you, there is none that knoweth these things, save it be the penitent. 22 Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing—unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed;	I could not have done these things myself, relying solely upon my own power. As I have continually sought closeness to Him, attended 12 Step meetings, Church and the Temple, been willing to humble myself and turn to Him for relief from bitterness, hurt and resentment, He has granted me strength to make better choices and has removed my “stony heart” and given me a new one. (Ezekiel 36:26)
yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren to repentance.	Because I have, through the grace and mercy of God, received recovery rather than the natural consequences of my choices, I can be a living example of hope for those who still struggle with addiction or damaged relationships, and be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to bring them to Him.

Being willing to sponsor and share my experience, strength and hope with those who still suffer is like the sons of Mosiah going on a mission to the Lamanites. I can be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to bring unto Him those who haven’t yet found their way to Him and help them learn to access the glorious power of the Atonement and apply it in their lives.

How does your program of recovery benefit from having a sponsor?
How do you share your experience, strength, faith and hope with others who are still struggling?
What are you willing to do to help more people find the recovery you have found and learn to turn to the Lord instead of the world when they are stressed and need help?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Am I Motivated by Fear, Duty or Love?

December 2, 2015Working the ProgramDuty, Fear, Love, MotivationMira Daniels

When I do something good, am I motivated by fear, duty, or love? It makes a difference! Regardless of whether I am performing a service for someone else or for myself, the quality of the outcome is affected by my motivation.

Motivated by Fear

When fear is my motivation for doing good, it might be because I am afraid I will get in trouble or look bad to others if I don’t do it. For example, when someone is on probation, they may do all the right things because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t. People who attend Church only to avoid giving the neighbors something to talk about are motivated by fear. Doing something good because I don’t want to disappoint someone I care about is another example. In any case, when I am motivated by fear, my heart is not in it. I most likely receive very little joy or blessing as a result of doing it.

Motivated by Duty

Being motivated by duty is a little bit higher on the motivation scale. When I am motivated by duty, I know it is the “right thing to do” and I am choosing to be obedient. Participating in a service project because “someone has to do it” is an example of this. It doesn’t contain quite as much of a negative undertone as being motivated by fear, but when I am motivated by duty I am still holding something back. Obedience is good. Doing the right thing is good. But again, I will not receive all the blessings of joy and satisfaction that are possible when I act out of duty.

Motivated by Love

The highest level of motivation is love or charity (“the pure love of Christ”). If I go serve at the nursing home because my heart goes out to the people there and I want to bring them joy and happiness, I am serving with love. If I go to Church and partake of the sacrament on Sunday because I love the Lord and want to renew my covenants with Him, I will look forward to it and be filled with the Spirit as I do it. If I put hours into my calling that no one will ever know about or see because I feel inspired to do so and it makes me happy, I am motivated by love.

Motivation in Working the Steps

When I work my 12 Step program, the same three levels of motivation apply. Which level I am on will determine how much I will get out of the work I am doing. If I attend meetings because I am mandated to do so by the court or study and write because I am afraid that if I stop I will relapse, that is better than nothing! If I do it because I know I am a child of God, I deserve to be free from my addictions, and I believe that if I work the program I will find sobriety, that is better. But if my 12 Step work is motivated by my love of the Lord, my gratitude for the Atonement He made for me, the joy I find in serving and a desire to become an instrument in His hands to help others find recovery, then I open myself up to receiving the full blessings He wants to bestow upon me.

“Consider whether your activity in the Church is still motivated by fear or duty or if it is a natural outgrowth of your reborn faith in Christ.” (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, p. 54.)

What is your motivation for working the 12 Step program?
Are you satisfied with your level of motivation and activity in the program?
What will you do today to improve your motivation, activity, and progress?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Some Patterns Cause Us to Stumble, Others Help Us Build

November 25, 2015Working the ProgramAbstinence, Change, Growth, Meetings, Pattern, Plan, Prayer, Progress, Structure, WritingMira Daniels

I have been working the 12 Steps since 1999. I actually started going to meetings in 1991, but didn’t get a sponsor and start working the program for eight years. Even in those early years, as I went to meetings week after week, I heard people talk about what helped them find sobriety and serenity, and what caused them to stumble. As I have listened to others, and as I have worked the Steps myself, I have gained an understanding of the importance of looking for patterns – patterns that help me grow as well as patterns that undermine my recovery. I have learned to look for them, analyze them, and use them to my advantage.

Patterns in Practice

The first time I became aware of the importance of a pattern was when I finally became willing to start recording the food I ate. It was the first change I became willing to make in my life as a result of my participation in the 12 Step program. I wasn’t willing to change how I ate at that point or tell anyone else what I was eating, and I certainly wasn’t willing to plan my food, but I decided that I was willing to record what I was eating.

Two things began to happen when I started to collect data on what I was eating. First of all, I started to lose weight. Why? Because I found that I had been eating mindlessly – picking up a handful of something every time I passed through the kitchen. When I committed to writing down every bite that went into my mouth, I discovered that some of the food I had been eating just wasn’t worth the effort it took to write it down! So the mindless snacking was cut way back.

The second thing was that I started to notice patterns. I could eat lunch on one day, and eat a different lunch the next day, both of which contained approximately the same number of servings from the same food groups, and find that I was satisfied when I finished one lunch but still wanted to eat more after I finished the other. As I continued to record what I ate, a pattern emerged. My satisfaction level was controlled not simply by how much I ate, or what kinds of foods I ate. The most important factor in determining whether I would be satisfied was texture – specifically crunch! If I didn’t get enough crunch in a meal, I wanted to continue eating. As soon as I came to that realization, I started keeping crunchy foods in the house and I found that I could eat less, be satisfied, and lose more weight!

Looking for patterns in an inventory

One of the objectives I have when receiving someone’s 5^th step inventory, is to help them identify a list of shortcomings and character defects they can use as input to Step 6. As I listen to the person share their inventory, I make note of patterns I hear. Are they using certain words repeatedly? Does the same kind of thing keep happening to them? These patterns usually point to a shortcoming or character defect that I jot down. When they are done sharing their inventory I ask them to look back over it and identify any patterns they can find, and come up with their own list of shortcomings. Then we compare lists and talk about what they think they need to become willing to turn over to God as they embark on Step 6.

Dailies

The use of patterns I mentioned so far is for taking a look at past behavior and understanding it better. Patterns can also help us create healthier and more effective ways of living. In the program I often hear people talk about “the dailies.” This is a set of activities they do every day to help them maintain sobriety and happiness. Here are some of the dailies that help me live a life of recovery:

Scripture Study

At one time in my life I heard people talk about the importance of daily scripture study. I just couldn’t seem to find time to do it. Finally, I made a decision to get up before my children, very early in the morning, and try to establish a pattern of daily scripture study and prayer. I was successful and it made a big difference in my life.

Prayer

I try to write my morning prayer every day. That is a part of my “dailies.” Written prayer helps me “tune in” to the right frequency to connect with the Lord all day long.

Exercise

My husband and I walk each morning. It is good for our health and good for our relationship. It also gets our day off to a good start. This is a pattern that helps me in my life.

Long-time readers will know that I believe structure is a very important aspect of living a sober and successful life. Collecting data to analyze and looking for self-limiting patterns helps me to identify things I need to change. Establishing recovery-promoting patterns helps me put a framework in place to allow the Lord to change me from within so that I can live my best life.

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Working One Step at a Time, Tools: Quality Prayer, Structure: Like a Kite String, Tuning In

Acceptance: Reflections on the Death of My Mother

November 18, 2015Journal Entry, Working the ProgramAcceptance, Letting Go, TrustMira Daniels

Losing a loved one is always hard. Even when they have lived a good life and are just “done”, it is hard to let go; to accept that there will now be a time of separation. For those who have a testimony of life after death, it can be a little easier, because we have hope of being together again. But the pain of missing them is still a reality of life.

Acceptance

The key to peace for me, as I lost first my father and then my mother within ten months, is acceptance. In On Grief and Grieving Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler identified 5 stages in the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I know that many people do experience these five stages, and it is good for them to understand the process so that they don’t think something is wrong with them as they pass through these emotions.

My Experience

Thirty years ago I lost my three year-old son Mikey in a drowning accident. It was certainly unexpected and played out quickly over just a few days. Now I have lost my Dad and my Mom who both declined slowly over years and months. In all three cases, regardless of whether death came suddenly and unexpectedly, as a welcome relief, or was a quiet, peaceful passing, my experience with grief and loss seems to be colored by my testimony of an afterlife and the 12-Step work I have done on acceptance. I have learned to trust the Lord in all things, everyday. I have learned that with His help I can overcome anything; he will give me the strength and power to do all things that are expedient unto him (see Moroni 7:33.)

As far as I can tell, I have not experienced denial, anger, bargaining or depression in the face of death; some sadness – yes, but sadness is not depression. I have been blessed to go immediately to a place of acceptance. It is a comfortable place. I am grateful for this gift.

The morning I got word that my mother had slipped through the veil, I was standing in the bedroom and the following conversation took place in my head. I seemed to hear my mother speaking to me.

Mom: “You know what? There IS an afterlife! And Dad is here, too!!!”

Me: “I know, Mom. ?”

Then, a few minutes later, I was reflecting on the fact that I never “heard from” Dad after he died, and I thought, “He was too proud and stubborn to tell me I was right”. And then, in my head, I heard HIS voice: “Yeah, yeah.?”

As I wrote my prayers in the days following my mother’s death, this came to me in the Lord’s response to one prayer:

“Your Mom and Dad are adjusting to the new realities of their lives. Because your Mom is more open to learning new truth that is not consistent with the ‘traditions of their fathers,’ she and your Dad will be walking the same spiritual path at the same time, despite his earlier arrival. It helps that Mikey, and their parents, are able to visit with and teach them. Oh, what interesting conversations are taking place up here. ?”

As I said at the end of my post about Dad’s death, it is what it is. I am at peace. And I am grateful.

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Structure Lost, Structure Found – Getting Back on Track

November 11, 2015Journal Entry, Working the ProgramStructureMira Daniels

Structure: Train tracks keep the train headed in the right direction. — Copyright: duron0123 / 123RF Stock Photo

Dear Readers,

It has been a long time since I posted; a long time since I have written. I wish I could say that I was working diligently on my book manuscript. That would be an impressive excuse, right? The truth is, structure is what keeps me moving forward in life, like the tracks keep a train headed in the right direction. When events interfere with my normal, daily structure my productivity and the manageability of my life suffers.

My husband is a teacher and we have a high-schooler still at home. My last blog post was May 20th, the last week of the 2014/2015 school year. Don’t get me wrong, I love having my family around and spending time with them, but it is easy for me to get caught up in the things they are excited to do after they are FINALLY done with school, and to put my “own” life on hold. That would have been fine, for a couple of weeks. But a couple of weeks stretched into a month, and then I went to Boston to see my mother. And the stuff on my desk started piling up.

Mom was in a nursing home. I had planned to go see her in June. It turned out that my eight year-old granddaughter was going to summer camp for the first time and needed someone to pick her up from western Massachusetts in mid-July and get her home to Utah, so I arranged my trip so that I could do both. Then Mom got pneumonia the week before I was to go see her. We decided to give her antibiotics at the nursing home and prayed I would get there in time. I did. We had a peaceful and calming visit for five days as I mostly sat by her bedside while she slept. She died peacefully in her sleep a few days after I returned home. My desk was a mess.

I thought I might write about losing my mom at the time. I had written about my Dad’s death 10 months earlier. But it just didn’t come.

Then school started again, and I thought; “Now I will get back on the horse, back to writing regularly.” But I didn’t. I didn’t clean my desk, either. There was always something I needed to take care of – something urgent. Maybe not very important, but always urgent.

As the mess on my desk became deeper and deeper, it became more and more difficult to think about writing.

In late September, I went to Utah to help my daughter settle in after she and her husband bought a new home. Over Columbus Day weekend, my family and friends gathered for a memorial service in New York City, where my parents had lived until the last few years of their lives. It was lovely. I felt both uplifted and enlightened by the things people shared about my mom and even received insight into several of my own character traits that I had not previously thought of as being like hers.

When I got back the desk was not visible under the paper. I felt overwhelmed. Then someone, a reader, finally noticed that I hadn’t written in awhile.

So I have had a season of not writing; and not keeping my desk clear. And now it is the season to start doing those things again. My good friend Joan came over and worked quietly on her own writing while I worked on my desk. She was like an anchor, keeping me from getting sidetracked and from meandering off into the woods of all the other things I would rather be doing. I even did a little more after she left. Now I can see the desk. There is still a lot of filing to do, but it feels more manageable now. I will continue to work on clearing the desk and filing the paper because I like it that way – not because it is anyone else’s expectation of me. And I will try once more to implement the structure that helps me keep it that way.

I have started writing again. It feels good. I hope it helps you. It makes me happy to help other people in their journey of recovery. I know it helps me.

Much love,

Mira

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Peace: It Is What It Is, Structure: Like a Kite String

Spiritual Metamorphosis

May 20, 2015MetaphorChange, Growth, Progress, Step-4, Step-5, Step-6, Step-7, Step-8, Step-9Mira Daniels

Monarch caterpillar, chrysalis and butterfly image. — Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

During its lifetime a Monarch butterfly goes through four stages. First it is an egg which must develop and eventually hatch. When it hatches, the Monarch is a caterpillar. It is very busy during this brief time of its life, eating as much as once or twice its weight in leaves every day and growing rapidly. In fact, it must shed its skin and develop a new one several times during this stage. Then it encloses itself in a chrysalis and seems to be resting. Actually, during this third stage of its life it is undergoing a remarkable transformation called metamorphosis, in which it is being made into a totally new creature. No longer will it look like a striped worm with many legs. It will emerge as a delicate, colorful butterfly. When it first breaks out of the chrysalis its wings are still weak and wet. It spends several hours fluttering them to dry and strengthen them. Finally ready, it fulfills its full potential, living the remainder of its life as a beautiful butterfly.

We, too, go through several stages on our journey of spiritual growth and development. At first we are like the butterfly eggs in our spiritual immaturity. At some point in our spiritual youth (which may be in adulthood, depending upon when we experience conversion) we gain understanding and accountability and are spiritually born, like the eggs hatch. This may or may not happen when we are baptized.

For some period of time we live as caterpillars, focusing almost exclusively on satisfying our appetites. Some of us get stuck in this phase of our lives, and don’t develop spiritual maturity due to our addictions. A recovery program can help us get unstuck.

As we work the 12 Step program we become more spiritually aware through the first three steps. This phase of our spiritual lives can be compared to the caterpillar stage of the Monarch’s life. We may shed old or immature beliefs like the caterpillar sheds its old skin to make room for our spiritual development, but we still look pretty much like a caterpillar.

When we get to step 4 we begin a period of in depth introspection and inventorying of our past. This is kind of like entering the chrysalis stage of our lives. Giving away our inventories in Step 5, identifying our shortcomings and becoming willing to ask God to remove them (Step 6) clears the way for us to be completely changed by the Lord, right down to receiving a new heart (Step 7).

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh Ezekiel 36:26

In Steps 8 and 9 we complete the spiritual metamorphosis as we shed resentments, guilt and shame and make restitution and amends for all of our previous mistakes, misdeeds and sins. We emerge from this process cleansed and ready to live a new life in the maintenance steps (10, 11 and 12) using the structure of these steps to “flutter our wings” and become spiritually strong and independent, be delivered from the bondage of our addictions, and have the maturity to serve others and share what we have learned in our own journey.

Where are you in your emotional and spiritual journey?
Write about your experience using the metaphor of the monarch, comparing your spiritual metamorphosis to the butterfly’s life.
What will you do today to move forward in spiritual maturity?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Six Thoughts about Step 5

May 7, 2015Working the ProgramStep-5Mira Daniels

“Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.”

Step 5 (Confession) is one of those “scary” steps. It is the first one in which we actually have to talk to someone else about our past. If we have never done this before, it can seem overwhelming. Here are 6 observations about working Step 5, based on the manual for the Addiction Recovery Program of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing.

1. Emotional Isolation ↔ Addictive Behavior

In the first paragraph of Step 5 the Guide talks about addiction “thriving” in an atmosphere of emotional isolation. I think addiction and emotional isolation feed off of each other. They are like the chicken and the egg; which comes first? When we isolate (avoid social interactions, stop sharing our feelings with loved ones, etc.) we are more likely to engage in addictive behavior. At the same time, when we indulge in our addictions, we are more likely to withdraw and isolate. We need to be on the alert for both so that we can recognize that we are heading down a potentially dangerous path regardless of which one comes first this time.

2. The Need for a Sponsor or Support Person

In the Church we are familiar with the role of the Bishop as someone to whom we can confess sins of a serious nature in order to be sure that we are on the correct path to repentance. Step 5 of the manual talks about the importance of doing this. But then it goes on to say “We also selected another trusted person to whom we could disclose the exact nature of our wrongs. We tried to select someone who had gone through steps 4 and 5 and who was well-grounded in the gospel.”

Most commonly the person to whom we read our inventories is our sponsor or “support person” as s/he is referred to in the Guide. This person already knows us and loves us. S/he has helped us to work through the previous steps and wants only the best for us. It has been my privilege to have been that support person for quite a few 5th Steps. No matter what they tell me, the Spirit is there and helps me avoid rejecting, judging or preaching to them. We have all done things that we would rather not have to admit, but admitting them allows us to finally put them behind us and become free of the past and able to welcome the changes that the Lord will help us achieve in the remaining steps.

3. A Sponsor Can Hold Up a Mirror

Following the previous quote, the Guide goes on to say, “The individuals who listened to our inventories often helped us see lingering areas of self-deception.” When my sponsees share their inventories with me, I listen for patterns. Are there certain behaviors or motivations that I hear over and over again? After she is done sharing I reflect back to her what I have heard. I help her to identify shortcomings and weaknesses that are expressing themselves through the behaviors and attitudes that she shared with me.

4. Generate a List of Shortcomings and Weaknesses

Each step has an input and an output. The input to Step 5 is the moral inventory we wrote in Step 4. The output of Step 5 is a list of character weaknesses and shortcomings. We will need that as we begin working Step 6, which is about becoming ready and willing to turn our character weaknesses over to God.

5. Disclosing ALL Your Weaknesses

When someone shares their inventory with me, there are usually one or two things that they really feel uncomfortable disclosing. Holding back those things is like declaring bankruptcy without telling the judge about the most embarrassing of your debts. (See Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free.) Don’t be afraid. You will survive sharing everything. Hundreds of thousands of others have done this and lived to tell about it. In fact, they almost universally found a new freedom and a new happiness by doing it. It is like taking off a backpack full of heavy rocks.

6. When You Are Ready, You Will WANT to Do It

This is true for every step. If I am not ready for a particular step, I look ahead with dread to it. This may even cause me to procrastinate working the program at all. It is a waste of time and a tool of the Adversary. If I have completed a thorough and fearless inventory in Step 4 to the best of my ability, I want to give it away in Step 5. If I am not ready to give it away, then I am not really finished with Step 4. I should pray for guidance. Perhaps I missed something? Maybe I didn’t dig deep enough? When I am ready to move on to Step 5, I will be anxious to give away my inventory.

Trust the Lord and trust the program. Prayerfully select a sponsor or support person who has worked the program and let them help you work it one step at a time and pray for guidance. “It works when you work it, and you’re worth it.”

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free, Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery, Working One Step at a Time

12-Step Fears of Failure

April 29, 2015Working the ProgramFear, ProgressMira Daniels

Most people come to the 12-Steps because they have a habit or addiction that has not been permanently healed or relieved by other approaches. What is different among newcomers is the level of fear they feel about becoming free from their addiction, about how hard it might be to work the Steps and about failing.

Desperate to Be Free

A common thought in 12-Step circles and literature is that “when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution we will be ready to change.” Another way to say this is that when we are sufficiently desperate to be free from our addiction, we will be willing to do the work, even if we don’t want to do it. Desperation works in our favor in this area.

Fearful of the Process of Working the Steps

Often we get hung up looking ahead at the future steps that we are afraid of having to do. We obsess about things like:

If I turn my will and my life over to God, what if His plan for me or His timing is not what I want? (Step 3)
If I have already confessed and repented of a past transgression, do I have to include it in my 4th step inventory? (Step 4)
If my sponsor knew everything I have done s/he would judge me or reject me. (Step 5)
What will my life be like without a particular weakness or shortcoming that I see as an integral part of who I am? (Step 6)
What if I ask God to remove my character defect and He doesn’t? (Step 7)
I don’t think I can forgive the one who caused me such pain! (Step 8)
What if I try to make amends to someone and they reject me? (Step 9)

The purpose of working the program is to access the Atonement to relieve you of guilt, shame, and resentment and enable you to fulfill your potential with the help of the Lord.

“For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.” (2 Nephi 28:30)

We work the program one step at a time for a reason. That is the pattern the Lord has set up for us to learn truth and wisdom. We are not ready to work a step until we have completed the previous step. When we have really completed a step we want to move on to the next one. The fears listed above are gifts from the Adversary to stop our forward progress. There are specific answers for each one of them but the most important thing to keep in mind is this: if we stop thinking about the future steps and just focus on the step we are currently working on, we will make progress and find recovery.

Fear of Failure

The most debilitating fear is that even if we do the steps, we will not be freed from our addictions. If we come to the 12-Steps believing that we have tried every other approach to becoming free, and that this is our last chance and only hope, then the fear that even this will not work can be paralyzing. Sometimes people stop attending meetings and stop working the steps because they are afraid that if it doesn’t work they will be left without hope.

The most poignant answer to this fear comes directly from the Lord:

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

If the spirit of fear does not come from God, then where does it come from? Refuse to accept that gift from the Adversary. Instead, gratefully receive the gifts of power, love, and a sound mind that the Lord is willing to give you.

What fears are holding back your progress?
Are you willing to receive the gifts of power, love and a sound mind that the Lord offers you?
Write about what you and your life would be like if you received those gifts.
What will you do today to take a step towards living without fear?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

From My Prayer Journal: God is My Sculptor

April 22, 2015Journal Entry, MetaphorChange, Potential, Step-6, Step-7Mira Daniels

God is so good to His children. It amazes and inspires me to see His plans gently unfolding – almost unnoticed if one is not focused and attuned to watch, observe and see His hand in all things. It amazes me. Often the signs are so subtle – as the gentle unfurling of a new leaf on a plant. Yet each action quietly opens the way for us to go through another door, overcome the next stumbling block, see past the next obstacle, around the next corner.

We have to learn to trust Him; to know He has our lives in His capable hands. He is a sculptor, gently removing shortcomings as unnecessary clay, adding and strengthening, bending and straightening, but only because we have placed ourselves willingly in His hands. The one thing He will not take is our agency.

We must freely and willingly give ourselves to the Sculptor and trust Him to liberate our full and best selves from the block of marble in which we are encased; chipping each small imperfection away, sometimes with a chisel – the chisel of circumstance, adversity and the actions of others in our lives – other times smoothing and polishing as flowing water infinitely slowly and gently removes sharp edges from a stone. He uses the water of the scriptures, the living water of the gospel truths we hear – at church, in prayer and meditation, in writing, in 12-Step meetings, in hearing these truths come out of our own mouths as we teach, sponsor, and befriend others.

Dearest Daughter,

Peace be unto you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth. I give you the peace and serenity of the gospel and the 12-Steps, that through them, you may draw near to me, that you may feel my loving embrace; that you may share with others the love which I so freely give unto men. This peace and serenity are available to all, if they will but turn their faces away from the solutions the world offers, and unto me. I am the source of the living water that nourishes, but also polishes and perfects. Fear nothing. I am always with you. I walk your walk with you. I support and sustain you as you labor in my behalf. All will be well. Trust me. I will open the way for you to be an instrument in my hands. Go in peace. Amen.

How have you seen God’s hand in your life?
How have you been changed by his chisel, or by his living water?
What will you do today to become more aware of His hand in your life, or, to allow Him to smooth your rough edges?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Agency – the Heart of Step 3

April 16, 2015Working the ProgramAgency, Atonement, Step-3Mira Daniels

“Step 3: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”

Steps 1 and 2 are about gaining new understanding (1 – that I am powerless and 2 – that God can restore me) and being willing to integrate that understanding into my belief system. In Step 3 I make a decision to allow God to restore me and to allow Him give me the power to do what I have been unable to do for myself; the power to be healed from my addiction, from my shortcomings, and from my afflictions.

Allow God to do something? Really? Am I in a position to determine whether God can do anything or not? God is omnipotent! Of course He is. But, if I hold so tightly to my own puny power and will that I cannot open my heart to receive His gifts then there is nothing He can do. Why? Because above all else, God respects my agency, the greatest gift he has given me. Agency is the principle over which the war in Heaven was fought. Agency is the essential element of the Plan of Salvation. There is no need for the Fall or the Atonement (primary elements of the Plan of Salvation) unless we have agency. The point of the Fall is to put me in a position to learn to use my agency to walk in faith and obedience, and become like the Savior. The point of the Atonement is to provide power for me to overcome my weaknesses and shortcomings on my journey and to pay the demands of justice so that I can return to Heavenly Father’s presence even though I will never achieve perfection on this earth. At the heart of the whole plan is Agency.

Working a 12-Step program is not really about the steps, willpower, sponsors or meetings. It is about grace. It is about understanding that God’s grace is a free gift to all of his children, not made conditional on worthiness or anything else. When we open our hearts to receive His grace, to receive the power He atoned and died to provide for us, we use our agency to pick up the one thing we need to recover from addiction, overcome grief, or be healed from trauma.

Write about your decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Are you willing to receive both the enabling and redeeming powers of the Atonement to help you on your journey of recovery? (See Elder Bednar’s 2012 conference talk: The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality)
What will you do today to use your agency to make progress?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free

April 8, 2015MetaphorInventory, Step-4Mira Daniels

When a person, family, or business becomes so overwhelmed with debt that they cannot see how they will ever be able to pay it all, our society provides a way to get a fresh start. It isn’t easy, and it has long term repercussions. It is called “declaring bankruptcy.” When someone declares bankruptcy, they must list all their debts, and with certain limitations, the judge can “wipe them out” with a signature. The point of doing this is to free ourselves from the past and to start over.

It is emotionally difficult to go through bankruptcy. It feels like a public admission of failure. Certainly, some debt is thrust upon us due to no fault of our own, as in the case of unanticipated medical bills. But sometimes people may be embarrassed to admit certain things they have done that put them into debt. For example, they might have gambling debts, or perhaps they borrowed money to get into a business that turned out to be a scam. Nevertheless, it would be silly to declare bankruptcy without fully disclosing all of our debts to the judge. Why would anyone want to go through the difficult process of bankruptcy only to be left with debt in the end?

When we work Step 4 of the 12-Step program, we create a moral inventory. It is a complete list of all the resentments, judgments, anger, frustration, disappointment and guilt we can remember from our entire lives. We look for examples of pride, self-pity, self-deception, and self-will and include those incidents, too.

The point of doing this is to free ourselves from the past. Once we have written down everything we can think of that might be holding us back, we can move on to Step 5 and give our inventories away to God and to another person. God can help us to let go of all these “spiritual debts” and start anew.

It would make no more sense to hide any of our spiritual and emotional debts when we do our 4th step inventories than it would to hide financial debts when applying for bankruptcy. We do this work to become happy, joyous and free. We make a “searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves” so that we can be sure that when we confess and give our shortcomings to the Lord in Steps 5, 6, and 7 we don’t leave anything out. We put it all on the table so that we can be completely cleansed and healed from our mistakes, our shortcomings and our weaknesses.

Have you worked steps 1, 2, and 3 to prepare yourself to begin a fourth step inventory?
Are you willing to set aside pride and shame and be searching and fearless as you work on your inventory?
What will you do today to become free from the mistakes of the past and become happy, joyous and free?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

The Contradiction between Values and Behavior

April 2, 2015Working the ProgramInventory, powerlessness, Progress, Step-1Mira Daniels

“Some people recognize the need to be free from addiction but are not yet willing to begin. If you are in that situation, perhaps you can begin by acknowledging your unwillingness and considering the costs of your addiction. You can list what is important to you. Look at your family and social relationships, your relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability to help and bless others, your health. Then look for contradictions between what you believe in and hope for and your behavior. Consider how your actions undermine what you value.” (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, pp. 1-2)

I once participated in a marriage enrichment seminar. One of the exercises was to make two lists. On the first list we each wrote down the things that were important to us; the things we believed and hoped for. On the other list we wrote how we actually spent our time. The leader of the activity shared that when he first did this exercise, he listed “relationship with children” as one of his values. When he actually looked at what he spent his time doing, he realized with chagrin that his behavior indicated that watching old Star Trek reruns was more important to him than building his relationships with his children. That is the kind of contradiction I think the passage I quoted from Step 1 in the Guide is talking about.

For me, part of working Step 1 is this kind of inventory. How does my behavior compare to my beliefs and values? If I say I would like to have a good relationship with my husband but my behavior tells me that I judge or belittle him, I need to admit that there is a contradiction between my behaviors and my values. The same thing applies if I don’t spend time with him, or I ignore his needs and expectations.

I say that I would like to be healthy and maintain a normal weight. If an inventory of my behavior tells me that I am obsessing about food, eating food I have not planned, letting portion sizes get out of control, or eating foods that I know are not good for me, my behavior is undermining what I value.

Becoming aware of these contradictions does not mean that I can immediately fix my behavior. In fact, that is why I am embarking upon a 12-Step journey: because I have not been able to change my own behavior despite my best efforts. That is OK. The good news of Step 1 is that I can have hope. I need to be willing to admit that I am powerless and work the 12-Step program as honestly and faithfully as I can. If I do these things, the Lord, through the power of the Atonement, will either remove my weaknesses and shortcomings or give me the power I need to turn them into strengths.

Try writing a Step-1 Inventory listing your values and beliefs on one side and listing your relevant behavior on the other.
Are there any contradictions between your behavior and what you say your values are?
Do you have hope that it is possible for you to overcome these contradictions with the Lord’s help?
What will you do today to make progress?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Do the Work – Claim What is Yours

March 25, 2015Journal EntryGrowth, Potential, Progress, WorkMira Daniels

Good morning, my sweet daughter. I love you. You are precious unto me. You can have a good and productive day today; it is your choice. Make a decision and a commitment that you will do it, and follow through. I will give you the power to do it, but you must choose to use it.

I love you more than you can comprehend. Fear nothing. You are a beloved and blessed daughter of God; a child of Royalty. If you can imagine it and are willing to work for it, you can accomplish it, whatever it is. Would you like to publish a series of books? Do the work. Would you like to be on the speaking circuit? Do the work. Would you like to have a comfortable retirement? Do the work. Would you like to have a great marriage? Do the work. Would you like to have a great relationship with your children? Do the work.

These are all righteous desires of your heart. I will give you the power to do and accomplish them, because you walk in faith and these righteous desires of your heart are expedient unto me (Moroni 7:33), but you must do the work. I will not give these things to you on a silver platter; then they would be meaningless to you. You must do the work in order to appreciate the value and effort that go into accomplishing them. But all the effort in the world would not help you reach these goals without the enabling power of the Atonement which I give unto you because you walk in faith and ask for it.

I love you infinitely more than you can comprehend. All that I have is yours. Claim it.

Fear not. Go in peace. All will be well. Amen.

What are the righteous desires of your heart?
Have you asked the Lord if these desires are expedient unto Him?
What is the work you must do to achieve them?
Have you asked the Lord to give you His power, the power of the Atonement, to help you achieve your goals?
What will you do today to begin to claim what is yours?

(Note: Click here to learn more about my prayer journal.)

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Overcoming Perfectionism: the “Good Enough” Principle

March 19, 2015Working the ProgramPerfectionism, Step-4Mira Daniels

I may be living in a state of recovery, but that does not mean that I no longer have shortcomings or character defects. Something I still struggle with is a tendency towards perfectionism, just like many people in recovery. Of course, I don’t want to think of myself as a perfectionist, and there are many aspects of my life in which I am not one. But every now and then I become aware of sneaky, subtle perfectionism in some aspect of my life.

I have found a way to let go of this paralyzing shortcoming, when I find myself obsessing over something, or spending way too much time on it because I want it to be perfect. I ask myself this question: “Is it good enough?” I call this the “Good Enough” principle.

Let’s say I am taking a class. I have a solid “A,” an average of 95% and there is no way I could possibly end up with a “B” in the class. I have one project left and all I have to do is pass to keep my “A.” Of course I am not the kind of person to completely slack off and do “C” or “D” work. But really, if I have put in 10 hours, I know it is worth at least a “B” in its present form, and I have lots of other responsibilities that demand my time, it is Good Enough! I do not need to put another 5 hours into getting it from a “B” to an “A”. I already know I will get an “A” in the class.

Here is another example. I am in charge of decorations for an event at Church. I have a group of people who are helping me. I have gotten ideas from everyone, have decided on a theme and have identified who needs to bring what in order to make it happen. Everyone says it is going to be wonderful. I happen to be checking Pinterest and I find the cutest idea! It is so awesome! Everyone is going to be blown away by it. It will only require two extra committee work meetings ahead of time (or 20 hours on my part) to assemble the decorations and I will have to spend an extra $30 out of my pocket on materials because we don’t have any extra budget. STOP! Apply the Good Enough principle. No one will ever know about the cute idea we did not use. The approach we already have in place will be just fine.

I am a grateful, recovering compulsive over-eater. When I first became willing to write down my food, I asked people at my 12-Step meeting what they used to plan and record their food. Most just used an empty notebook. That did not seem sufficiently structured for me. I used desktop publishing software to design a pocket sized booklet that I could use to both plan and record my food. I created a self-publishing company, got ISBN numbers from Bowker, and actually listed it for sale on Amazon. I am not kidding! Do you think, maybe, I didn’t understand the GOOD ENOUGH principle? (I actually sold about a dozen of them.)

I have found this tendency to be a perfectionist to be particularly problematic for me and my sponsees when it comes to doing a Fourth Step inventory. I can’t tell you how many conversations I have had with people regarding exactly how to do an inventory. The truth is that how you do your inventory is not as important as that you do your inventory. First of all, you will get a chance to do it again the next time around. Secondly it is actually good to do it in a variety of ways over time to help you explore different aspects of your life. So just pray for guidance, pick an approach, and do it! It will be Good Enough!

What have you been procrastinating about or wasting time on because you want it to be perfect?
Is it already or could it relatively easily be made GOOD ENOUGH?
What will you do today to move forward, applying the GOOD ENOUGH principle?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Relationships: Avoid the Gently Diverging Path

March 11, 2015Journal EntryMira Daniels

In the early days of our marriage, when my husband and I drove someplace together, we spent that time in conversation, or in silent companionship. We enjoyed being together, and without realizing it, we were strengthening our relationship simply by spending quality time together. We did not feel a need to keep the conversation going. It was perfectly comfortable for us simply to be together. We enjoyed that shared time, regardless of how we spent it.

Lately I have become aware that I often spend that time on my smartphone, checking email, Facebook, or playing games while my husband drives. It is not that we don’t have anything to talk about anymore. We do talk; about all kinds of things. Neither is it that I am bored. It is the “pull” of the technology. “I am here to entertain you,” it whispers. “You need to know what is going on!” it calls.

It is a distraction. It is vying for my attention and gently tempting me to go down a path that separates me from my husband. It isn’t that there is anything wrong with the things I do on my phone. It is just that I am missing an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with him.

Today I realized that I have allowed the same thing to happen in my relationship with the Lord. I have a good relationship with Him; a solid relationship. I think of Him often throughout my day. I turn to Him when I need help. I thank Him when I feel blessed. I trust Him to guide me. When I make time to write my prayer, study my scriptures, and work on my program everyday, I am focusing on my relationship with Him. When I let other things distract me, so that I don’t have time to spend specifically with Him, I slowly feel a distance growing between us, over time. It does not happen right away. Missing one day doesn’t create a gulf between us. It is just that my footsteps are ever so slightly further away from Him as we walk until one day I look up and realize that I am no longer walking right by His side. And then I have to figure out how to get back.

There is no higher priority for me than my relationships with the two most important people in my life: the Lord and my husband. So I am taking action today to let go of the distractions that have put me on the gently diverging path.

Is there something distracting you from the important relationships in your life?
What could you do differently to keep you focused better on those relationships?
What are you willing to do today to improve those relationships?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.