Repetitive thoughts are like a broken record. When I was a kid, in the days before the internet, cds, mp3 files, and even cassette tapes (yes, I am that old), there were only a few ways to listen to music. Most kids listened to the radio, and then bought a vinyl record of the music they loved.
On a good stereo, vinyl records had great sound, but they could get scratched. If the scratch was deep enough, the needle would slide across the scratch instead of staying in the groove. Sometimes the scratch would take the needle back to a previous groove. This resulted in hearing the same thing over and over until you carefully lifted the arm and set the needle back down past the scratch.
Repetitive Thoughts
Sometimes, like a scratched or broken record, we get stuck in a pattern of dark thoughts and feelings. Tension, conflict, stress, anxiety, shame or fear seem to take over our lives. Repetitive thoughts may get so loud and play for so long that we cannot hear the sweet music being played by loved ones and friends, and the beautiful themes coming from the Spirit and the Lord.
After awhile, we may be willing to do anything to silence the thoughts, even things that we know, deep inside, are not good for us. Giving in to addiction is one way some people try to stop repetitive thoughts. That is like pouring acid on the record. It gets even further damaged. Some have thoughts of suicide. That is like breaking the record player. In either case, this makes the situation worse, especially for friends and loved ones who love the music you make just by being yourself.
Satan’s Lies
Having negative repetitive thoughts does not mean you are a failure, a loser, a nobody, or anything else Satan would have you believe. You didn’t ask for them. You don’t deserve them. They do not reflect how God sees you.
Find a way, possibly with the help of another, to gently move the needle past the bad spot. It might be a loved one, a friend, a counselor, a doctor, a trusted advisor, a priesthood blessing, or a prayer. The Lord will lead you to the help you need, if you are willing to receive it.
You have beautiful music to play. Please don’t deprive the world of your music.
Do dark or repetitive thoughts sometimes overwhelm you?
What have you done in the past to move the needle?
Describe what you would like to do in the future when it happens.
What are you willing to do today to make this better course possible?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
Don’t “dig a pit for your neighbor” by holding expectations that have not been communicated.
It has been my observation that much of the unhappiness in our relationships can be attributed to expectations: missed expectations, unreasonable expectations, unexpressed expectations. When I have expectations of how others will behave, and they are not aware of or not capable of meeting them, I am setting them up to fail. If I don’t know what someone’s expectations are, despite my best efforts to meet their needs and serve them with love, I may disappoint them.
Those of us who have been hurt or abused in the past, may have deep-seated unmet needs. We may desperately want those around us to meet those needs. We must be careful not to compound the problem by having such high expectations of those around us that we set ourselves up for disappointment.
Part of the problem is that we don’t always know that we have expectations of someone until they fail to meet them! Then our surprise and disappointment can make them feel inadequate, incapable, embarrassed or ashamed. It can become a cycle of hurt.
Think about times that there have been negative feelings in your relationships. Can you trace it back to missed expectations?
I can hear some of you saying, “But I have to have some expectations of others in my life!” Perhaps. If you feel like you must, here are some guidelines that I have found help to avoid creating hurt and disappointment in my relationships.
Guidelines for Expectations:
Be aware of them
Sometimes we have expectations of others that we aren’t even aware of. This could be because we assume all people will behave the way we do, or the way we were raised. Think about your expectations of others and try to be aware of them.
Choose them carefully
If you find that you do have expectations of others, make a conscious decision that you are either going to keep them, or let them go. Don’t just hold on to them by default.
Make sure they are reasonable
Ask yourself if it is likely that the other person will be able to meet your expectations. If it is not, then you are creating an environment of continually repeated hard feelings and frustration. This damages the other person by making them feel like they will never be good enough. This also affects you, by almost guaranteeing your disappointment, and feelings of low self-worth. After all, if s/he really cared about you they would meet your expectations, right?
Communicate them
Even if you have conscious, reasonable expectations, if you do not clearly communicate them, the other person can fail to meet them. Not because they can’t, and not because they choose not to, but just because they didn’t know about them, or don’t have the same understanding of them as you have! For example, perhaps you are a romantic and you would like your loved one to recognize the anniversary of your first date. If s/he is not romantic by nature, they may not even know what the date is, never mind realize that you would like to celebrate it! It is unfair of you to be disappointed that they didn’t remember. If it is important to you, let them know. Don’t “dig a pit for your neighbor” (2 Nephi 28) by setting up situations in your relationships in which someone is likely to be disappointed or hurt.
The other person must agree to them
If you don’t share your reasonable expectations with the other person, and come to an agreement that they will try, in good faith, to meet them, you are likely to be disappointed. Suppose that you express to them that you have a need, and request that they meet it. If they don’t agree to do it, you will probably be disappointed. You cannot control others. You can only control yourself.
What if this person doesn’t want to meet your expectations? Then you need to let go of their behavior and focus on your own. If the other person is an adult, you have to come to terms with the fact that they have their agency and are not obligated to comply with your requests, however reasonable and clearly communicated. When the person in question is one of your children, Love and Logic has some great approaches. Most of them deal with focusing on what you can control (your own choices and behaviors) rather than what you cannot control (your child’s choices and behaviors).
It may make you feel vulnerable to express your needs and desires and risk rejection. You are already doing that by assuming that they will know what to do to make you happy and are willing and able to do it. It is better to talk about it in a calm and reasonable way ahead of time and try to work out a win/win for your relationship.
What if I do all that and I am still disappointed?
What do I do if someone does not meet my reasonable and communicated expectations? That depends on the circumstance.
They tried and failed. I thank them for their efforts, figure out how to get the immediate problem solved without judgment or shaming, and think about or talk with them about what we can do the next time to get a better outcome.
They didn’t even try. This tells me that there is something wrong on a deeper level in our relationship. Perhaps my expectation was not as reasonable as I thought. Perhaps it didn’t take into consideration his/her needs. Perhaps s/he was reluctant to share their true feelings with me because when I don’t get what I want I have a tendency to throw shame or guilt. I have to examine my motives. Am I trying to manipulate or control the other person? Am I being selfish? Maybe they have an unexpressed need that I wasn’t aware of? Maybe they never really agreed to meet my expectations in the first place?
Letting Go
I have written several posts on how to let go of things we cannot control. If our best efforts to have and communicate reasonable expectations are ineffective, the Lord can help us to let go and seek His help to find another approach to getting our needs met.
Write about times you have been disappointed or worse as a result of expectations that were not met.
What will you do differently in the future to pursue serenity and peace in your life?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
I recently heard this in an ARP meeting: if we are creations of God, an omnipotent and perfect Being, then we cannot be defective. That would seem to be an obvious truth. But neither are we perfect. We know this is true also. We have been given weakness by God.
“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27)
How? How do weak things become strong unto us? We must learn to come unto Christ, humbly allow Him to show forth His power in our lives, and become like Him. Paul describes it this way:
And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
Perfection through Weakness
We have shortcomings. Christ has asked us to become perfect (see Matthew 5:48). What does He mean by that, if He, Himself, has given unto us weakness? According to Russell M. Nelson, in this scripture, “the term perfect was translated from the Greek teleios, which means “complete.” (“Pending Perfection,” October 1995 conference.) Elder Nelson goes on to describe in detail how this term is used and what kind of perfection (or “completeness”) we can and should seek in this mortal life. I recommend reading the entire talk.
How should we go about seeking perfection? Most of us cringe when we see our weaknesses and shortcomings. Sometimes we try to hide them from ourselves and those around us. Other times we beat ourselves up for our lack of perfection, and allow Satan to convince us that somehow we are too broken, too imperfect. That we truly are defective and that there is no hope for us.
We need to put those thoughts and voices behind us and turn to Christ, seeking His omnipotent strength and love, and allow His power to rest upon us, as Paul says.
We finally abandoned the idea that we could become perfect by ourselves, and we accepted the truth that God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him. (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, p.41)
You may not yet be perfect, but you are not defective. You are a beloved son or daughter of God, created by Him and given the full potential to become like Him. Regardless of what your life looks like now or was like in the past, as you turn to Christ in your weakness, and take His yoke upon you, His strength and power will rest upon you and you will become like Him. It will take time. Be patient and diligent. Walk in faith. It will happen.
I testify that this is true.
Are you willing to acknowledge your weakness and recognize that you, including your weaknesses, were created by God?
Write about your weakness and your willingness to be perfected in Him.
What can you do today to demonstrate your willingness?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
It seems like I have been trudging forever. I just want to get to my destination for some much deserved rest. In front of me is a mountain, impeding my progress. There is a path, but I don’t want to climb this mountain. I’m exhausted. To the right and the left are woods. Maybe if I walk through the woods I will be able to find a way around the mountain.
I walk through the woods for miles, looking for a shortcut. I’m hungry and lost. I have covered lots of ground. Nevertheless, I have not made any progress. I’m no closer to getting to the other side of the mountain than I was when I was first standing in front of it.
I would have been better off if I had used the time and energy to just go over the mountain. It doesn’t matter how fast I climb it. It is not a race. What matters is that I make progress. I may need to take the mountain slowly and rest between steps. I may need to ask the Lord to walk by my side, so that I have His help and strength to enable me to do what I cannot do by myself. But one step up the mountain leads to another and another. Ten steps. Fifteen. Who knows, perhaps there will be a great view, beautiful flowers and a clear fresh spring of water along the way! Regardless, eventually I can get over the mountain and to my destination, if I stop wandering in the woods looking for an easier way.
Robert Frost said, “The best way out is always through.” (A Servant to Servants)
In the case of my mountain, the best way to get to the other side is just to climb it.
What mountain are you facing in your life?
What have you done to avoid climbing it?
What will you do today to help you resume your forward progress?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
As we walk the mountain road of life (See Growth: Life is Like a Mountain Road), climbing towards the top, we sometimes encounter a cloud. When we are just starting our journey, still in the valley, the cloud is above us. During the last part of our climb, we break through the cloud and can see the summit clearly, and the surrounding scenery. But while we are climbing through the cloud, we may feel cold, damp, and confused, surrounded by dense fog.
We need to remember that while the cloud is temporary, the mountain is not; neither is the road. We can continue on the path, by putting one foot in front of the other and hugging the mountain so that we don’t accidentally fall off the edge. Another option is to stand still and wait for the cloud to lift. With the help of the Lord we can progress, even if we are scared. (See There is No Darkness in the Presence of the Lord.)
I have had certain shortcomings my entire life. One of them has been clutter. I remember my room as a child. You couldn’t even see the floor. It wasn’t that I didn’t have enough storage space to put things. I just didn’t do it. It was a major source of contention between me and my parents.
As an adult I thought for many years that the problem was self-discipline. If only I could develop and maintain a system for managing the paper, I would be able to solve the problem once and for all. I repeatedly cleaned up the mess only to have it accumulate again. I began to buy, (collect) books on the subject of organization. I set up filing systems. I just did not have the self-discipline to maintain them. That was the problem, I thought.
I had the same problem with food. If only I could learn to control the way I ate and exert some self-discipline I could get off the diet roller coaster. I would control for a while, on a diet, but then find an excuse to eat for comfort or pleasure. I would get discouraged, give up, and my weight would start climbing again, until I felt badly enough about my weight to start the cycle over.
The Problem is Not Lack of Self-Discipline
Somewhere along the line someone pointed out to me the many areas of my life where I had plenty of self-discipline. I was confused. If I wasn’t short on self-discipline, why could I not maintain a clutter-free environment or a normal weight?
I have come to understand that my problem is not self-discipline; it is perfectionism. If I couldn’t do it perfectly (whatever “it” was), I became discouraged and gave up.
If I couldn’t figure out the perfect filing system, one that enabled me to store everything out of sight, find it again easily when needed, and not forget about anything that needed to be taken care of, I wouldn’t file at all. Perfectionism. I wouldn’t throw much away because, after all, I might need it again. So I ended up with filing systems too complicated to maintain or that did not meet my requirements, or else no system at all, and things would start accumulating. Again. When I saw the piles begin to grow, I became discouraged – again – and just gave up.
If I couldn’t maintain my diet perfectly, losing as much weight as quickly as I wanted to and denying myself anything that wasn’t on the diet, I would become discouraged, and give up. Perfectionism.
Do you see a pattern here? For some reason, in certain areas of my life, I naturally see only perfection or failure. There is nothing in between. When I can’t be perfect I become discouraged. And quit trying.
A Spiritual Solution
As a compulsive eater in recovery I have learned that diets don’t work for me. What I need is a plan of eating that I can live with day in and day out. Something that works for me and is sufficiently flexible for me to be able to adjust to the circumstances of my life. I need a plan that is not about losing weight, but about nurturing myself. I decided to turn my weight over to the Lord. He helped me develop a food plan that worked for me. It went through several iterations, and is still subject to revision as needed. My footwork is to use the plan to decide what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat, one day at a time. His job is to help me maintain a normal weight. And if I eat something I should not have, I no longer see it as a reason to throw the whole food plan out. I just start eating abstinently again from that moment. I have put an end to the all or nothing thinking, the cycle of perfectionism and discouragement that kept me in bondage to compulsive eating.
(Some people do have trigger foods which need to be treated like allergies; they simply cannot have that food or they will be set off onto a binge. When the Lord helps them develop a food plan, it will not contain those foods.)
So what can I learn from my success with eating in a healthy way (overcoming perfectionism) that might apply to my problem with paper clutter?
I need a spiritual solution to this problem, not an exclusively temporal one.
I need to turn to the Lord for His help in developing a plan that is flexible (as appropriate) but effective, not about perfection, but about nurturing myself; creating a wholesome environment in which I can thrive.
I need to do the footwork he gives me to do, one day at a time.
I need to let go of all or nothing thinking, and be satisfied with “progress, not perfection” (a 12-Step slogan).
If I fall off the wagon I need to get back on as quickly as possible.
I need to recognize discouragement as a tool Satan uses to keep me from growth and recovery.
I need to commit to never giving up.
I will keep you posted on my progress.
What recurring problem in your life has not responded to all your efforts to find a solution?
Are you willing to try a spiritual solution?
When will you start?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
Sometimes, when I feel discouraged and am trying my best to make important changes in my life, I can lose sight of the startling and critical fact that I am not alone. The Lord is always with me, arms around me, walking my path with me, sustaining and supporting me, carrying me when necessary. The scriptures abound with confirmation of this.
Isaiah 41:10,13 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness…For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”
When I first became aware of this scripture, I pondered how the Lord could hold my right hand. He must be right next to me! Holy cow! I am standing here, looking at this same incredible mountain that I have to climb, but now He is standing next to me, holding my right hand. He can do anything! If He is holding my right hand, together we can do anything!
I began wearing bangle bracelets on my right wrist to remind me always that he is holding my hand. I still wear them.
Eventually I came across a slightly different picture described in the scriptures. The Lord could still be holding my right hand, but he is also on my left! I am “encircled about in the arms of His love!” I love that image!
D&C84:88 “…I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”
2 Nephi 1:15 “… I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.”
Doctrine and Covenants 6:20 “…Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.“
But what would that look like in my life, I wondered. A picture came into my mind of me holding a small child. We are sitting at a table. The child has just drawn a picture – mostly just lines on the page: joyous, exuberant scribbles. Now she wants me to help her write her name. I don’t do it for her. I hold her gently on my lap, my right hand over hers as she holds the crayon. Together we slowly and carefully write her name on her picture. She is so proud! And then, done with my help, she hops off my lap and is on to other things. Perhaps that is how Christ has me encircled in the arms of His love. When I am willing to come to Him for help, he gently cradles me, lovingly reaches around me and guides me to be able to do all things that he would like me to do.
Moroni 7:33 “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”
There is nothing too small to ask for His help with. Am I having trouble getting to bed early or getting to sleep or getting up early or reading my scriptures or getting to work on time or finding a job or magnifying my calling or dealing with stress or changing my behavior or being kind to my family or giving up my addiction? Those things are all “expedient in [Him].” I pray for the desire and the willingness to walk the Lord’s path for me always; to come to Him for His help whenever I need it; to be grateful for his power, strength, gifts, talents, and abilities; to always remember that I am encircled about in the arms of His love, and that he is right next to me. I am never alone.
Can you image the Lord being right next to you, holding your hand?
How would that change your life?
What might you be able to do with His guidance that you are having trouble doing now?
Mountain biking is a sport in which people ride special bikes designed to handle rough terrain—often in areas without roads. Sometimes they ride down steep hills littered with rocks and boulders.
I once heard a story about a man who wanted to learn to mountain bike. He had the good fortune to be invited to join a group of experienced bikers for a day. As he attempted to negotiate a steep field of boulders, he kept hitting the rocks—risking both his bike and his body—and creating a hazard for other riders. Finally the leader of the group took him aside and asked him what he was looking at as he rode down the hill.
“The boulders!” the man exclaimed. “What do you think?”
“Ah,” replied the leader. “That is your problem. You need to focus on the spaces between the rocks!”
What are the boulders in your life right now?
Are you focusing on the boulders or the spaces in your life?
Write about the spaces. What do they look like?
Are you willing to focus on the spaces?
What can you do to keep yourself focused on the spaces and not the rocks?
It is easy to get discouraged, working the 12-Step program, if we obsess about a step we are not ready for. Think about it. Wouldn’t it be horribly discouraging to start obsessing about passing a college chemistry class when you are taking 7th grade science? Thinking ahead can paralyze you and keep you from making progress on the step you are working right now. This is especially true if we start worrying about Steps 4,5,8, or 9.
Here is some good news! Each step prepares you for the next. The output of a step becomes the input for the one that follows it. When you are ready to move on to the next step you will WANT to do it. You may not be excited about the footwork you have to do, but you will be very excited as you anticipate the results of doing it.
If you are a newcomer to the 12-step program, you are on Step 1, admitting that you are powerless over the behavior or substance that brought you to the program. Since most of us spent years thinking we were in control and not powerless at all, and trying to prove it by our actions, that can be a tall order! Focus on Step 1 if that is where you are. Read the step in the ARP manual, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, or one of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions books. (See my Resources page for more info on these books.) Use the tool of writing to identify material that you can apply to your own life. Colleen Harrison, the author of He Did Deliver Me from Bondage calls it “Capturing”. Here is an abbreviated explanation of how I use this tool.
As you come across a passage that you feel inclined to highlight, copy it into a notebook.
Write about what you think the passage means.
Pray for guidance on how to apply this passage to your life and then write about the impressions you get.
Take the time to thoughtfully answer the questions that appear in the book you are studying. Talk to your sponsor and/or other people who are working the steps about what you are learning. When you think you have learned all you can from this step (this time around), prayerfully ask the Lord if you are done with it and ready to move on. When you get a confirmation, start working the next one.
Getting Stuck
If I am stuck on a step and can’t seem to find the willingness to move on, it usually means that I probably wasn’t really done with the previous step when I started this one. For example, if I am working Step 3, and just can’t seem to find the willingness to turn my will and my life over to the Lord and trust Him so I can start Step 4, I might need to go back to Step 2, and dig deeper for the ability and willingness to embrace the fact that He really CAN deliver me from my situation. If I really believe that He can and will deliver me then why would I be reluctant to ask Him to do so in Step 3?
Input and Output
What did I mean when I said that the output of one step becomes the input for the next? In Step 4 you make an inventory. That inventory contains the things you confess in Step 5. As you work Step 5, and give away your inventory, the person who receives it will be able to help you identify patterns and put together a list of your shortcomings and weaknesses. In Step 6, you become willing to ask the Lord to remove them. Truly, every one of the steps prepares us to work the next step, if we give ourselves to the work with humility and persistence.
What step are you working on?
Are you doing it with humility and persistence?
Are you making progress?
Are you using the tool of writing?
Are you talking to others about what you are learning?
You know those voices you hear in your mind sometimes? Occasionally they are positive and uplifting but most are discouraging and disparaging. Some actually seem to echo voices of real people, often from our past – former teachers, leaders, parents, family members or friends. Others seem to come from nowhere. Even the voices of people who love us can sometimes give us bad advice or negative feedback.
“You are so clumsy.”
“You can’t do that – you are too dumb.”
“You can’t ask God for help with that.”
“You’ll never be good enough.”
Unfortunately these voices can make it hard for us to think clearly and move forward. Just when we think we have a plan and are ready to take a risk and try to do better – to do something new – to challenge ourselves, to overcome discouragement, one (or more) of those voices will tell us that we are doomed to failure.
I call those voices the “Committee in My Head”. I imagine them sitting around a conference table expressing their thoughts. Freely. Sometimes at the top of their lungs. Other times in a persistent whisper.
I have learned an interesting thing about my committee over the years. It is my committee, and I get to decide who is on it! If someone on the committee is discouraging me, I can fire them! I can tell them that they are no longer welcome on my committee and their advice is no longer needed. If they come back, I can refuse to let them in or listen to them.
Even better, I can deliberately choose new voices to invite onto my committee to drown out the old discouraging ones. How? By reading great books or blogs; by finding mentors who I trust and who have created the kind of life I want; by attending meetings and making phone calls and using the other tools of the program. I can fill my committee with cheer-leading encouraging voices.
“You can do it!”
“You are awesome!”
“Give it one more shot.”
“Maybe you should pray for the Lord’s help and try again.”
“Think of how much progress you have made!”
“God loves you and I love you, too!”
If I am going to have a committee giving me advice it might as well be good advice! And advice that will help me overcome discouragement, not create it.
Do you have a committee in your head that sometimes offers negative thoughts or ideas?
Do you let these thoughts hold you back from doing what you would like to do?
Do you believe that you can learn to recognize and “fire” the voices that are holding you back?
What voices would you like to invite to join your committee?
What will you do today to let go of what is holding you back and nurture and support yourself in moving forward?
Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.
Repetitive thoughts are like a broken record. When I was a kid, in the days before the internet, cds, mp3 files, and even cassette tapes (yes, I am that old), there were only a few ways to listen to music. Most kids listened to the radio, and then bought a vinyl record of the music they loved.
