Tag Archives: Step-9

Making Amends – Wait for Step 9

Working the Program,

Step 9: Making AmendsWhen we find the humility to let go of pride and see ourselves, our relationships and our past actions as objectively as possible, many of us want to reach out to those we have hurt, make amends and repair those relationships immediately. We want to wipe the slate clean and start living a new life characterized by the new heart which we have received from the Lord as a result of working Steps 1-8. Sometimes, this desire comes to us before we have finished Step 8.

Don’t jump the gun! As it says on page 47 of A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, “We learned, however, that impulsively rushing to make amends without taking time for prayer and perhaps counsel from a trusted adviser … could be as detrimental as not making amends.” In Step 8 we think through and make a plan for our amends. We discuss the plan with a sponsor, bishop, counselor or another trusted adviser to make sure that we do no further damage in our efforts to repair our relationships. As it says in the guide on page 53, “This part of recovery must never lead to the further harm of others.”

In order to work Step 8 successfully we need to complete Steps 6 and 7 to let go of our shortcomings and allow the Lord to heal us. Our loved ones will be more willing to receive our amends if they have seen a change in our behavior and character. In order to have a list of shortcomings to turn over to the Lord in Steps 6 and 7 we need to have done Steps 4 and 5. And in order to be able to complete a thorough written moral inventory we need to be able to trust the Lord to carry us through this hard work. Steps 1-3 help us learn to have that level of trust.

In other words, the steps are in order for a reason. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Of course, if you have already completed Steps 1-9, and are working the “maintenance steps” (Steps 10-12) please make amends, if appropriate as soon as you realize you have caused harm!

Start by Writing Letters

After you have read all of the Step 9 program literature and answered the questions, one approach for making amends is to write a letter to each person on your Step 8 list. You will decide later whether to actually deliver the letter. Regardless, the first thing to do is write it because:

  • You can get all of your thoughts and feelings expressed in a coherent form.
  • Your ability to do this will not be limited by time, interruptions or the other person’s body language.
  • If it doesn’t come out right the first time you can revise it until you are comfortable with it.
  • You can look for and remove any blame, guilt throwing, guilt catching, shaming, or justifying.

Once you have written the letters share them with your sponsor or someone else you trust, so that you can get feedback on whether they convey what you are trying to say without containing anything that might be hurtful or misinterpreted.

Another very important thing to pray about and discuss ahead of time is what you will do to actually make amends. An apology is important, but if you have harmed someone you need to try to reverse the damage if possible.

Meeting

If the person you are making amends to is still a part of your life, and willing to meet with you, it is usually best to talk to them in person. This gives the best possible opportunity for healing to take place. Do not have any expectations from the other person. You cannot predict how they will respond. Turn this over to the Lord ahead of time. The purpose of this meeting is for you to apologize and make amends.

Find a mutually convenient time, when you are not in a hurry. Choose someplace to meet that will be relatively free of distractions and feel “safe” for both of you. Make eye contact during the conversation. Smile, if appropriate. You may choose to read your letter aloud, hand it to him or her to read themselves, or simply share the thoughts contained in it. Just be sure you don’t introduce any complicating issues, get sidetracked, say things in a blaming or accusatory way, or justify or excuse your behavior.

Direct Amends

A part of this meeting will be to tell the person what you intend to do to make amends. If you can correct or repair the harm you have done to this person, that would be your amends. Sometimes there is no way to directly repair the damage you have done. This is what Elder Neal A. Maxwell had to say about such situations.

 “Sometimes . . . restitution is not possible in real terms, such as when one contributed to another’s loss of faith or virtue. Instead, a subsequent example of righteousness provides a compensatory form of restitution” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1991, 41; or Ensign, Nov. 1991, 31).

If you cannot meet in person, prayerfully consider whether to send the letter, and make amends directly or indirectly as appropriate. Again, discuss this with someone you trust.

Indirect Amends

Indirect amends should be made when direct amends are not possible or would create further harm. For example, if the person you harmed has worked hard to put the events behind them and move on, bringing it up again might traumatize them. The Guide explains several options for making indirect amends.

In other cases, you may have no way of making amends directly. The person may be dead, or you may not be able to discover where he or she lives. In such cases, you can still make amends indirectly. You can write the person a letter expressing your regret and desire for reconciliation, even if the letter cannot be delivered. You can give a gift to the person’s favorite charity. You can find someone who reminds you of that person and do something to help him or her. Or you may be able to do something to help a member of the family anonymously. (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, p. 53)

Remember that the Lord has promised to give you the power to do the things that are “expedient unto Him” if you walk in faith (Moroni 7:33).

  1. Are you willing to work through Steps 1-8 so that you can have the best chance of healing your relationships by making amends in Step 9?
  2. What are you willing to do to make amends to those you have harmed?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Spiritual Metamorphosis, Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery, Working One Step at a Time

 

Spiritual Metamorphosis

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Monarch caterpillar, chrysalis and butterfly image.
Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

During its lifetime a Monarch butterfly goes through four stages. First it is an egg which must develop and eventually hatch. When it hatches, the Monarch is a caterpillar. It is very busy during this brief time of its life, eating as much as once or twice its weight in leaves every day and growing rapidly. In fact, it must shed its skin and develop a new one several times during this stage. Then it encloses itself in a chrysalis and seems to be resting. Actually, during this third stage of its life it is undergoing a remarkable transformation called metamorphosis, in which it is being made into a totally new creature. No longer will it look like a striped worm with many legs. It will emerge as a delicate, colorful butterfly. When it first breaks out of the chrysalis its wings are still weak and wet. It spends several hours fluttering them to dry and strengthen them. Finally ready, it fulfills its full potential, living the remainder of its life as a beautiful butterfly.

We, too, go through several stages on our journey of spiritual growth and development. At first we are like the butterfly eggs in our spiritual immaturity. At some point in our spiritual youth (which may be in adulthood, depending upon when we experience conversion) we gain understanding and accountability and are spiritually born, like the eggs hatch. This may or may not happen when we are baptized.

For some period of time we live as caterpillars, focusing almost exclusively on satisfying our appetites. Some of us get stuck in this phase of our lives, and don’t develop spiritual maturity due to our addictions. A recovery program can help us get unstuck.

As we work the 12 Step program we become more spiritually aware through the first three steps. This phase of our spiritual lives can be compared to the caterpillar stage of the Monarch’s life. We may shed old or immature beliefs like the caterpillar sheds its old skin to make room for our spiritual development, but we still look pretty much like a caterpillar.

When we get to step 4 we begin a period of in depth introspection and inventorying of our past.  This is kind of like entering the chrysalis stage of our lives. Giving away our inventories in Step 5, identifying our shortcomings and becoming willing to ask God to remove them (Step 6) clears the way for us to be completely changed by the Lord, right down to receiving a new heart (Step 7).

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh Ezekiel 36:26

In Steps 8 and 9 we complete the spiritual metamorphosis as we shed resentments, guilt and shame and make restitution and amends for all of our previous mistakes, misdeeds and sins. We emerge from this process cleansed and ready to live a new life in the  maintenance steps (10, 11 and 12) using the structure of these steps to “flutter our wings” and become spiritually strong and independent, be delivered from the bondage of our addictions, and have the maturity to serve others and share what we have learned in our own journey.

  • Where are you in your emotional and spiritual journey?
  • Write about your experience using the metaphor of the monarch, comparing your spiritual metamorphosis to the butterfly’s life.
  • What will you do today to move forward in spiritual maturity?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Working One Step at a Time, 12-Step Fears of Failure,

 

 

Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery

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Blue sky with wispy clouds; "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7.Among the 12 Steps, there are a few that can make us feel so fearful or overwhelmed that we may choose to stop our forward motion rather than have to work those steps. Step 4, in which we take a searching and fearless moral inventory is one of them. So is Step 5, when we share that inventory with another person. Step 9, in which we actually reach out to those we have harmed, ask for their forgiveness and make amends to them is so daunting that people often get “stuck” in step 8, afraid to move on.

The paradox is that each of these steps, once taken, produces feelings of growth, love, acceptance and peace far stronger than the fear felt while contemplating the step. As we work the steps, however, hearing that these feelings are waiting for us on the other side of the work doesn’t always motivate us sufficiently to face the fear.

Fear is one of the main reasons we don’t progress in the steps and that we get stuck in our addictions. Fear is, for many, the main reason we indulge in our addictions in the first place!

The scriptures clearly tell us that fear does not come from the Lord. In 2 Timothy 1:7 we find, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” If God does not give us the spirit of fear, then who does?  Satan. And we willingly accept this gift from our Adversary, and embrace it. As a “natural man” (or woman) we are susceptible to fear.

What does this scripture tell us that the Lord gives us instead of fear? He gives us the spirit of power—the power of the Lord, the power of the Atonement—to use to do His will. We are given the spirit of love, which is the power by which the universe was created. And finally, we are given the spirit of a sound mind: peace, calmness and serenity.

For some reason we are much more hesitant to receive the gifts of power, love and a sound mind from the Lord than we are to receive the gift of fear from the Adversary. (See my post on Receiving Gifts.)

What do we need to do to be able to receive these good gifts? We must put off the “natural man” and become a “saint”—a child of God.

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Moroni 3:19)

Make a decision to put aside fear—to refuse to accept that gift from Satan—and to trust the Lord and receive His gifts. Plunge ahead in your program with the help of your sponsor and other support people. You can do this. The Steps will work for you. You do not need to walk in fear. You are a son or daughter of God, designed and created by Him. He will help you achieve the recovery you deserve so that you can become a more useful and valiant servant as you mend the fences you have broken, and share the gift of recovery with those around you.

  • What fears are preventing you from making progress in the steps or anything else?
  • What do you believe is the source of your fear?
  • Are you willing to set aside your fear and trust the Lord to lead you forward?
  • What action are you willing to take today to move forward, walking in faith rather than fear?

 

Forgiveness – the Essence of Step 8

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Forgive others and reward yourself with peace.
(Found on Lisa Raye’s Facebook Page.)

Forgiveness is the central principal discussed in Step 8 of the 12 Steps.  All things are created spiritually before they are created physically. (See Moses 3:5–7; Genesis 2:4–5.) Step 8 is the spiritual creation of the reconciliation and restitution that will actually happen in Step 9. In order for me to accomplish this spiritual creation, I need to become intimately acquainted with forgiveness.

Step 8 asks me to consider two different aspects of forgiveness: asking others to forgive me, and forgiving those who have hurt me.  In either case, sometimes the other person isn’t even aware that they need my forgiveness or that I need theirs.  It is interesting to me to ponder how easily people give and take offense in this world, sometimes without even being aware of it. Sometimes people hold resentment in their hearts for years, sapping them of joy and preventing them from living in a state of peace.

Forgiving Others

When I hold resentment in my heart, I am the one who suffers.  I have heard it said that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It tears me up inside, consumes my spiritual and emotional energy, and blocks me from feeling the Spirit. Some people think that we should only forgive someone if they apologize.  If the offender doesn’t apologize they don’t deserve my forgiveness, they reason. We don’t forgive others because they deserve it. We forgive others because we deserve it! (shared at church recently by Deron Brent Horne). I hate living in a state of resentment!  I owe it to myself to let go of those feelings and let them float out of my life like helium-filled balloons.  I do it for myself, as a way of taking care of myself.  I do it to get my life back, and my laugh back. How, you ask? Here are two methods that help me.

Tell Myself Another Story

When someone does something that makes me angry I learned from Kimberly Schneider to tell myself a different story. I ask myself this question: “Under what circumstance could this person’s actions have made sense?”  Then I make up a story, which I know is probably not true, but makes me feel better and more able to blow off the perceived offense.  Did someone cut me off in traffic?  They might be worried about something that is going on at home, and I might have been in their blind spot.  Did someone fail to deliver on a promise? Perhaps they got a bad night’s sleep or a call from someone with bad news or they were just having a senior moment. The story doesn’t matter!  Just thinking about the incident in this way helps me to let go of it.

Detach with Love

I learned in Al Anon years ago about how to “detach with love.” It is a principle that enables me to not take offense, and to let go of resentment toward someone close to me who says or does something that hurts me.  Rather than obsessing about what happened or what was said, I separate myself from the offense without separating myself from the person.  For me it works like this. I have an imaginary bubble that I can deploy at a moment’s notice. It surrounds me and a little bit of personal space.  The person on the outside of the bubble may be lashing out at me, hurling hurtful words in my direction, and my bubble allows the message in without the hurt.  If there is any truth in the message that I need to consider and respond to, I can do so, without getting caught up in the delivery method. The negative aspects stay on the outside of the bubble, with the person they come from. I can still love them, but I don’t have to allow their words to hurt me.

Asking for Forgiveness

When I make a list of people who have hurt me and forgive them, as Step 8 asks me to do, I am having a very personal and meaningful experience with forgiveness.  What better way to prepare myself to ask others for their forgiveness?! If I have done things that were harmful towards someone else, who might be hurting inside because of my actions, even if I make amends, or restitution, it might be very difficult for them to forgive me.  When I, myself, have recently gone through the process of forgiving others, I am in a better position to understand how difficult it may be for someone to forgive me, even if they are willing to do it. In Step 8 I am not actually asking anyone for forgiveness; I am becoming willing to make amends and to be reconciled to those I have hurt.  I won’t actually figure out exactly how I will approach the other person until Step 9, and I certainly will not be actually making the amends or making restitution until I get to Step 9.  But until I truly become willing to do it, and let the Lord heal my heart, I will never be ready to do it, and will live with broken relationships indefinitely.

  • What resentments are you holding in your heart?
  • What are you willing to do to let go of them so that you can progress?
  • Are you willing to do whatever it takes to be reconciled to those you have hurt? If not, what can you do to help you become willing?

 

Working One Step at a Time

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Working the StepsIt is easy to get discouraged, working the 12-Step program, if we obsess about a step we are not ready for.  Think about it.  Wouldn’t it be horribly discouraging to start obsessing about passing a college chemistry class when you are taking 7th grade science? Thinking ahead can paralyze you and keep you from making progress on the step you are working right now.  This is especially true if we start worrying about Steps 4,5,8, or 9.

Here is some good news! Each step prepares you for the next. The output of a step becomes the input for the one that follows it. When you are ready to move on to the next step you will WANT to do it. You may not be excited about the footwork you have to do, but you will be very excited as you anticipate the results of doing it.

If you are a newcomer to the 12-step program, you are on Step 1, admitting that you are powerless over the behavior or substance that brought you to the program. Since most of us spent years thinking we were in control and not powerless at all, and trying to prove it by our actions, that can be a tall order! Focus on Step 1 if that is where you are.  Read the step in the ARP manual, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, or one of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions books. (See my Resources page for more info on these books.) Use the tool of writing to identify material that you can apply to your own life. Colleen Harrison, the author of He Did Deliver Me from Bondage  calls it “Capturing”. Here is an abbreviated explanation of how I use this tool.

  1. As you come across a passage that you feel inclined to highlight, copy it into a notebook.
  2. Write about what you think the passage means.
  3. Pray for guidance on how to apply this passage to your life and then write about the impressions you get.

Take the time to thoughtfully answer the questions that appear in the book you are studying. Talk to your sponsor and/or other people who are working the steps about what you are learning. When you think you have learned all you can from this step (this time around), prayerfully ask the Lord if you are done with it and ready to move on.  When you get a confirmation, start working the next one.

Getting Stuck

If I am stuck on a step and can’t seem to find the willingness to move on, it usually means that I probably wasn’t really done with the previous step when I started this one.  For example, if I am working Step 3, and just can’t seem to find the willingness to turn my will and my life over to the Lord and trust Him so I can start Step 4, I might need to go back to Step 2, and dig deeper for the ability and willingness to embrace the fact that He really CAN deliver me from my situation. If I really believe that He can and will deliver me then why would I be reluctant to ask Him to do so in Step 3?

Input and Output

What did I mean when I said that the output of one step becomes the input for the next? In Step 4 you make an inventory.  That inventory contains the things you confess in Step 5.  As you work Step 5, and give away your inventory, the person who receives it will be able to help you identify patterns and put together a list of your shortcomings and weaknesses.  In Step 6, you become willing to ask the Lord to remove them.  Truly, every one of the steps prepares us to work the next step, if we give ourselves to the work with humility and persistence.

  1. What step are you working on?
  2. Are you doing it with humility and persistence?
  3. Are you making progress?
  4. Are you using the tool of writing?
  5. Are you talking to others about what you are learning?
  6. What are you willing to do to move forward?