Tag Archives: Step-5

Steps 4 & 5: Composting Our Emotional Debris

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Planting in compostSometimes we just need to take a good hard look at our past, learn from it and let it go. In the 12 Step program this usually takes place in Steps 4 and 5, when we write a searching and fearless moral inventory and share it with God, ourselves, and another person. We list the people, institutions, etc. towards whom we feel resentment, guilt or shame. We figuratively sweep out the root cellar of our hearts and minds, looking for stray items left behind to rot. To the best of our ability we clean house and let go of anything that is holding us back.

We list positive memories in the Step 4 inventory—those that are uplifting, enlightening or comforting—and the gifts, talents and skills we find. We examine and explore how we can use them to bless ourselves and others.

The rotten stuff we gather up and take to the emotional compost pile. As we write the inventory we let ourselves remember each incident: what happened, who was affected, how it affected us. We look for patterns of negative behavior to find the underlying causes and conditions leading to the choices we make today. Then, in Step 5 we turn it over to God and another person and let it go.

It takes humility and courage to overcome our fear of closely examining our pasts. Watered by our tears, the rotten fruit—the emotional debris—is changed into life-giving compost. We no longer need to agonize over the individual incidents in our inventory, or feelings of resentment, guilt or shame. Our memories and experiences can, with the help of the Lord, blend together and become fertile ground in which He plants the seeds of future accomplishment and contribution. In this way He consecrates our afflictions for our good. (See 2 Nephi 2:2)

One Example

One of my sponsees has had a very difficult life, starting with repeated childhood sexual abuse and neglect. To survive her life of continual trauma she developed several dysfunctional coping mechanisms including an eating disorder and other forms of self harm. After decades of these behaviors, with the help of the Lord she found abstinence from her eating disorder. She is now using the 12 Steps to overcome her other addictions. This woman is immersing herself in Steps 4 and 5 with great humility and commitment, even though it hurts to examine her very difficult past. She writes in her inventory every day and shares with me what she has written.

How has her “emotional compost” led to growth and joy? She is recognizing her need for boundaries and learning to set them. Every time she does so, it is a victory for her. She is learning to recognize anxiety when it starts. She is learning to deliberately choose alternative behaviors – healthy behaviors – to cope with it. She is learning to relate to her husband with  a new, more spiritually mature love. She is teaching me how to help others with a background of complex post traumatic stress.

God is using her emotional debris to create a rich, nourishing medium for growth: hers, mine, and all the others we each work with through this inspired 12 Step program.

  • Write about how God can consecrate your affliction for good if you are willing to examine your past and turn it over to Him.
  • Are you willing to do a “searching and fearless moral inventory”?
  • What are you willing to do today to get started?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related posts: Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free, Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery, Six Thoughts about Step 5

Spiritual Metamorphosis

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Monarch caterpillar, chrysalis and butterfly image.
Copyright: / 123RF Stock Photo

During its lifetime a Monarch butterfly goes through four stages. First it is an egg which must develop and eventually hatch. When it hatches, the Monarch is a caterpillar. It is very busy during this brief time of its life, eating as much as once or twice its weight in leaves every day and growing rapidly. In fact, it must shed its skin and develop a new one several times during this stage. Then it encloses itself in a chrysalis and seems to be resting. Actually, during this third stage of its life it is undergoing a remarkable transformation called metamorphosis, in which it is being made into a totally new creature. No longer will it look like a striped worm with many legs. It will emerge as a delicate, colorful butterfly. When it first breaks out of the chrysalis its wings are still weak and wet. It spends several hours fluttering them to dry and strengthen them. Finally ready, it fulfills its full potential, living the remainder of its life as a beautiful butterfly.

We, too, go through several stages on our journey of spiritual growth and development. At first we are like the butterfly eggs in our spiritual immaturity. At some point in our spiritual youth (which may be in adulthood, depending upon when we experience conversion) we gain understanding and accountability and are spiritually born, like the eggs hatch. This may or may not happen when we are baptized.

For some period of time we live as caterpillars, focusing almost exclusively on satisfying our appetites. Some of us get stuck in this phase of our lives, and don’t develop spiritual maturity due to our addictions. A recovery program can help us get unstuck.

As we work the 12 Step program we become more spiritually aware through the first three steps. This phase of our spiritual lives can be compared to the caterpillar stage of the Monarch’s life. We may shed old or immature beliefs like the caterpillar sheds its old skin to make room for our spiritual development, but we still look pretty much like a caterpillar.

When we get to step 4 we begin a period of in depth introspection and inventorying of our past.  This is kind of like entering the chrysalis stage of our lives. Giving away our inventories in Step 5, identifying our shortcomings and becoming willing to ask God to remove them (Step 6) clears the way for us to be completely changed by the Lord, right down to receiving a new heart (Step 7).

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh Ezekiel 36:26

In Steps 8 and 9 we complete the spiritual metamorphosis as we shed resentments, guilt and shame and make restitution and amends for all of our previous mistakes, misdeeds and sins. We emerge from this process cleansed and ready to live a new life in the  maintenance steps (10, 11 and 12) using the structure of these steps to “flutter our wings” and become spiritually strong and independent, be delivered from the bondage of our addictions, and have the maturity to serve others and share what we have learned in our own journey.

  • Where are you in your emotional and spiritual journey?
  • Write about your experience using the metaphor of the monarch, comparing your spiritual metamorphosis to the butterfly’s life.
  • What will you do today to move forward in spiritual maturity?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Working One Step at a Time, 12-Step Fears of Failure,

 

 

Six Thoughts about Step 5

Working the Program

“Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.”

Step 5 (ConfStep 5 image. ession) is one of those “scary” steps. It is the first one in which we actually have to talk to someone else about our past. If we have never done this before, it can seem overwhelming. Here are 6 observations about working Step 5, based on the manual for the Addiction Recovery Program of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing.

1. Emotional Isolation ↔ Addictive Behavior

In the first paragraph of Step 5 the Guide talks about addiction “thriving” in an atmosphere of emotional isolation. I think addiction and emotional isolation feed off of each other. They are like the chicken and the egg; which comes first? When we isolate (avoid social interactions, stop sharing our feelings with loved ones, etc.) we are more likely to engage in addictive behavior.  At the same time, when we indulge in our addictions, we are more likely to withdraw and isolate.  We need to be on the alert for both so that we can recognize that we are heading down a potentially dangerous path regardless of which one comes first this time.

2. The Need for a Sponsor or Support Person

In the Church we are familiar with the role of the Bishop as someone to whom we can confess sins of a serious nature in order to be sure that we are on the correct path to repentance. Step 5 of the manual talks about the importance of doing this. But then it goes on to say “We also selected another trusted person to whom we could disclose the exact nature of our wrongs. We tried to select someone who had gone through steps 4 and 5 and who was well-grounded in the gospel.”

Most commonly the person to whom we read our inventories is our sponsor or “support person” as s/he is referred to in the Guide.  This person already knows us and loves us.  S/he has helped us to work through the previous steps and wants only the best for us. It has been my privilege to have been that support person for quite a few 5th Steps. No matter what they tell me, the Spirit is there and helps me avoid rejecting, judging or preaching to them. We have all done things that we would rather not have to admit, but admitting them allows us to finally put them behind us and become free of the past and able to welcome the changes that the Lord will help us achieve in the remaining steps.

3. A Sponsor Can Hold Up a Mirror

Following the previous quote, the Guide goes on to say, “The individuals who listened to our inventories often helped us see lingering areas of self-deception.” When my sponsees share their inventories with me, I listen for patterns.  Are there certain behaviors or motivations that I hear over and over again? After she is done sharing I reflect back to her what I have heard. I help her to identify shortcomings and weaknesses that are expressing themselves through the behaviors and attitudes that she shared with me.

4. Generate a List of Shortcomings and Weaknesses

Each step has an input and an output. The input to Step 5 is the moral inventory we wrote in Step 4.  The output of Step 5 is a list of character weaknesses and shortcomings. We will need that as we begin working Step 6, which is about becoming ready and willing to turn our character weaknesses over to God.

5. Disclosing ALL Your Weaknesses

When someone shares their inventory with me, there are usually one or two things that they really feel uncomfortable disclosing.  Holding back those things is like declaring bankruptcy without telling the judge about the most embarrassing of your debts. (See Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free.) Don’t be afraid. You will survive sharing everything.  Hundreds of thousands of others have done this and lived to tell about it.  In fact, they almost universally found a new freedom and a new happiness by doing it. It is like taking off a backpack full of heavy rocks.

6. When You Are Ready, You Will WANT to Do It

This is true for every step. If I am not ready for a particular step, I look ahead with dread to it. This may even cause me to procrastinate working the program at all. It is a waste of time and a tool of the Adversary. If I have completed a thorough and fearless inventory in Step 4 to the best of my ability, I want to give it away in Step 5. If I am not ready to give it away, then I am not really finished with Step 4. I should pray for guidance. Perhaps I missed something? Maybe I didn’t dig deep enough? When I am ready to move on to Step 5, I will be anxious to give away my inventory.

Trust the Lord and trust the program. Prayerfully select a sponsor or support person who has worked the program and let them help you work it one step at a time and pray for guidance. “It works when you work it, and you’re worth it.”

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts:

Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free, Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery, Working One Step at a Time

Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery

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Blue sky with wispy clouds; "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7.Among the 12 Steps, there are a few that can make us feel so fearful or overwhelmed that we may choose to stop our forward motion rather than have to work those steps. Step 4, in which we take a searching and fearless moral inventory is one of them. So is Step 5, when we share that inventory with another person. Step 9, in which we actually reach out to those we have harmed, ask for their forgiveness and make amends to them is so daunting that people often get “stuck” in step 8, afraid to move on.

The paradox is that each of these steps, once taken, produces feelings of growth, love, acceptance and peace far stronger than the fear felt while contemplating the step. As we work the steps, however, hearing that these feelings are waiting for us on the other side of the work doesn’t always motivate us sufficiently to face the fear.

Fear is one of the main reasons we don’t progress in the steps and that we get stuck in our addictions. Fear is, for many, the main reason we indulge in our addictions in the first place!

The scriptures clearly tell us that fear does not come from the Lord. In 2 Timothy 1:7 we find, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” If God does not give us the spirit of fear, then who does?  Satan. And we willingly accept this gift from our Adversary, and embrace it. As a “natural man” (or woman) we are susceptible to fear.

What does this scripture tell us that the Lord gives us instead of fear? He gives us the spirit of power—the power of the Lord, the power of the Atonement—to use to do His will. We are given the spirit of love, which is the power by which the universe was created. And finally, we are given the spirit of a sound mind: peace, calmness and serenity.

For some reason we are much more hesitant to receive the gifts of power, love and a sound mind from the Lord than we are to receive the gift of fear from the Adversary. (See my post on Receiving Gifts.)

What do we need to do to be able to receive these good gifts? We must put off the “natural man” and become a “saint”—a child of God.

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Moroni 3:19)

Make a decision to put aside fear—to refuse to accept that gift from Satan—and to trust the Lord and receive His gifts. Plunge ahead in your program with the help of your sponsor and other support people. You can do this. The Steps will work for you. You do not need to walk in fear. You are a son or daughter of God, designed and created by Him. He will help you achieve the recovery you deserve so that you can become a more useful and valiant servant as you mend the fences you have broken, and share the gift of recovery with those around you.

  • What fears are preventing you from making progress in the steps or anything else?
  • What do you believe is the source of your fear?
  • Are you willing to set aside your fear and trust the Lord to lead you forward?
  • What action are you willing to take today to move forward, walking in faith rather than fear?