Tag Archives: Abstinence

Don’t Sabotage Your Recovery – Prepare Ahead

September 25, 2016Metaphor, Working the ProgramAbstinence, Plan, Step-10Mira Daniels

There is an old adage which has been quoted by President Ezra Taft Benson, among others: “It is better to prepare and prevent than to repair and repent.” This applies to living in a state of recovery as much (if not more) than it does to everyday life.

Think of it like this. My normal walk through life is like wading in the surf. The gentle ocean waves come in and out, lapping against my calves as I look around at the scenery and keep my eyes open for beautiful shells on the beach. Perhaps I walk out to a sandbar to see what I can find there. When the tide comes in the water rises. It can get up to my waist, with waves going even higher. If I don’t stay aware of the both the tide and the waves, I may find myself sputtering for air if I get hit by a particularly large one. However, if I keep aware and alert, I will see the wave coming. I can prepare by jumping up at the right moment, to keep my head above the water. Or, even better, I can get myself to safety before the tide gets that high. The more I practice this kind of awareness, the better I will become at recognizing how to keep myself safe.

How to Prepare for Everyday Life

One of the questions I ask my sponsees when we talk is, “What might happen today that could blindside you?” Then I ask, “What can you do to prepare so that you don’t lose your abstinence (or composure) when something unexpected happens?”

For example, if a compulsive eater tells me that she will be going with a group to a restaurant, I may encourage her to find the menu online and decide what she is going to eat before she gets there. Deciding what to order when you are hungry and surrounded by people who are ordering things which might not be good choices for you (but sound yummy) may not be a good idea.

Here is another example. A sponsee told me that she was going to have a very busy afternoon and evening, with just enough time to come home and eat before they were off to the evening’s activities. I asked her what she was planning to make for dinner. She hadn’t thought about it. She realized during our conversation that if she didn’t plan ahead and put something in the slow cooker in the morning, the options available in the evening were not going to be good, and she would be stressed and rushed. That is not a good situation to be in when you are trying to recover from any addiction. Knowing that dinner would be ready when they walked in the door contributed to their family having a much less stressful afternoon and evening.

Have you ever found yourself blindsided by something that you could have avoided if you had thought ahead about it?
Are you willing to practice thinking through your day and planning in the morning so that the rest of your day will go well?
What will you do today to avoid the “high tides” of life and prepare for the waves?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Planned Abstinence

December 30, 2015Working the ProgramAbstinence, Plan, StructureMira Daniels

When it comes to abstinence there are two kinds of addictions. Some addictions are to substances or behavior from which we can totally abstain, such as alcohol or pornography. Other addictions are to substances or behaviors which we must partake of or participate in. The trick is figuring out how to do it without being compulsive or impulsive. I call this “planned abstinence.” Examples of these would be eating, spending, and taking prescribed medications. I described this in a previous post here:

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 3

Coming up with a plan of abstinence that works for you may not be easy. You may be able to find a “published” plan that might work as a starting point. If not, you can do basic research, talk to others who struggle with a similar addiction, and seek inspiration to come up with a plan. In certain cases you need to seek and follow the advice of a professional: for example, taking drugs strictly as prescribed. Some people need help from a financial coach to develop a workable budget, and some compulsive eaters need help from a dietitian to develop a food plan.

I developed my own food plan by doing research on various websites. I found a plan to use as a starting point, and adjusted it as I figured out what worked to help me eat abstinently and what sabotaged me. One of the keys to making any plan work is accountability. Compulsive eaters usually need to weigh, measure and record their food. Spenders need to check their spending against the budget and adjust if necessary.

Here is a post that describes my experience in tweaking my own plan a bit more specifically:

Some Patterns Cause Us to Stumble, Others Help Us Build

Any approach to planned abstinence is very personal. There are some people who do well on a very regimented plan and others who need more flexibility. Another key to success is to be rigorously honest with yourself and not make excuses if you aren’t sticking to the plan. Try to figure out why not, and adjust the plan until you develop something that you will be able to stick to, and helps you to live abstinently.

What aspect of your life might benefit from planned abstinence?
Write about how well you use the two “keys” of abstinence: accountability and rigorous honesty.
What will you do today to move forward in improving your abstinence?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Some Patterns Cause Us to Stumble, Others Help Us Build

November 25, 2015Working the ProgramAbstinence, Change, Growth, Meetings, Pattern, Plan, Prayer, Progress, Structure, WritingMira Daniels

I have been working the 12 Steps since 1999. I actually started going to meetings in 1991, but didn’t get a sponsor and start working the program for eight years. Even in those early years, as I went to meetings week after week, I heard people talk about what helped them find sobriety and serenity, and what caused them to stumble. As I have listened to others, and as I have worked the Steps myself, I have gained an understanding of the importance of looking for patterns – patterns that help me grow as well as patterns that undermine my recovery. I have learned to look for them, analyze them, and use them to my advantage.

Patterns in Practice

The first time I became aware of the importance of a pattern was when I finally became willing to start recording the food I ate. It was the first change I became willing to make in my life as a result of my participation in the 12 Step program. I wasn’t willing to change how I ate at that point or tell anyone else what I was eating, and I certainly wasn’t willing to plan my food, but I decided that I was willing to record what I was eating.

Two things began to happen when I started to collect data on what I was eating. First of all, I started to lose weight. Why? Because I found that I had been eating mindlessly – picking up a handful of something every time I passed through the kitchen. When I committed to writing down every bite that went into my mouth, I discovered that some of the food I had been eating just wasn’t worth the effort it took to write it down! So the mindless snacking was cut way back.

The second thing was that I started to notice patterns. I could eat lunch on one day, and eat a different lunch the next day, both of which contained approximately the same number of servings from the same food groups, and find that I was satisfied when I finished one lunch but still wanted to eat more after I finished the other. As I continued to record what I ate, a pattern emerged. My satisfaction level was controlled not simply by how much I ate, or what kinds of foods I ate. The most important factor in determining whether I would be satisfied was texture – specifically crunch! If I didn’t get enough crunch in a meal, I wanted to continue eating. As soon as I came to that realization, I started keeping crunchy foods in the house and I found that I could eat less, be satisfied, and lose more weight!

Looking for patterns in an inventory

One of the objectives I have when receiving someone’s 5^th step inventory, is to help them identify a list of shortcomings and character defects they can use as input to Step 6. As I listen to the person share their inventory, I make note of patterns I hear. Are they using certain words repeatedly? Does the same kind of thing keep happening to them? These patterns usually point to a shortcoming or character defect that I jot down. When they are done sharing their inventory I ask them to look back over it and identify any patterns they can find, and come up with their own list of shortcomings. Then we compare lists and talk about what they think they need to become willing to turn over to God as they embark on Step 6.

Dailies

The use of patterns I mentioned so far is for taking a look at past behavior and understanding it better. Patterns can also help us create healthier and more effective ways of living. In the program I often hear people talk about “the dailies.” This is a set of activities they do every day to help them maintain sobriety and happiness. Here are some of the dailies that help me live a life of recovery:

Scripture Study

At one time in my life I heard people talk about the importance of daily scripture study. I just couldn’t seem to find time to do it. Finally, I made a decision to get up before my children, very early in the morning, and try to establish a pattern of daily scripture study and prayer. I was successful and it made a big difference in my life.

Prayer

I try to write my morning prayer every day. That is a part of my “dailies.” Written prayer helps me “tune in” to the right frequency to connect with the Lord all day long.

Exercise

My husband and I walk each morning. It is good for our health and good for our relationship. It also gets our day off to a good start. This is a pattern that helps me in my life.

Long-time readers will know that I believe structure is a very important aspect of living a sober and successful life. Collecting data to analyze and looking for self-limiting patterns helps me to identify things I need to change. Establishing recovery-promoting patterns helps me put a framework in place to allow the Lord to change me from within so that I can live my best life.

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Working One Step at a Time, Tools: Quality Prayer, Structure: Like a Kite String, Tuning In

My 5 Priorities for Living in Recovery

January 9, 2015Working the ProgramAbstinence, Change, GrowthMira Daniels

Covey Time Management Grid for establishing priorities. Sometimes there is so much on my task list that I feel like I will never get caught up. I don’t have all the answers, but I have learned this: there are some things that will always be priorities in my life and other things that will come and go, depending on what season of life I am in.

Stephen Covey developed a 4-box grid to evaluate the importance and urgency of our various activities and assess whether we are spending our time in the most effective way. Determining the true importance of what I am trying to accomplish gives me perspective and helps me to set reasonable expectations of myself. My “fixed” priorities are “Quadrant II” activities: important but not urgent. That makes them easy to put off – with unhappy consequences.

My Relationship with God

Maintaining a close and meaningful relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is a top priority for me. If I sacrifice those relationships because I am “too busy” (with urgent things that may not be very important) I have less power and less ability to meet all the other demands of my life.

Personal Recovery and Walking in Faith

As a recovering addict, I cannot let my abstinence and working my program become low priorities. I have to focus on them every day and always be listening for the promptings of the Spirit. I need to do the footwork the Lord assigns to me in order to stay sane and sober and to be able to do my best in the other important areas of my life.

Marriage and Family

Marriage and family are always high priorities for me, although what that looks like has changed over the years. I make sure that my husband and I spend quality time together, talk to one another about meaningful things, and speak one another’s love language. I try to stay in touch with my adult children and see/video chat with my grandchildren regularly. When I remarried four years ago I had been an empty-nester for 7 years. My new husband had 5 children, including one in elementary school and one teenager. I put thought and effort into building and maintaining relationships with my new children and grandchildren, both those at home and those who are grown.

Church Callings

Magnifying my Church callings in a spirit of love and service is a priority for me. The Lord would not have called me unless he was prepared to give me the power and the time to do the work required. (See Moroni 7:33.) This may include unofficial callings, like family history work, as you feel prompted by the Spirit.

Work and Resource Management

Working to support my family, and/or being a good steward over our family resources needs to be a priority. If I am not a good steward over the temporal resources the Lord provides, I cannot expect others to “cover the slack” for me. This was not always an area of strength in my life, and my husband and I are working very hard to manage our resources wisely.

The Seasons – or – Other Priorities

What about other things? What about travel, hobbies, entertainment, reading, service, friends, and video games? Don’t I get any down time?

Well, how much downtime you get depends on the season of your life. And a lot of those things can be worked into one of the 5 main priorities I have listed above. For example, you may need a getaway, just to nurture your marriage! If I am on top of these 5 things and I still have free time, great! I can do what I want with that time. However, if the important stuff is falling apart – I don’t have time to play.

For example, when I have been actively raising children, and especially while I was also working, I did not have time to do much on the “optional” list. It was my season to focus on the basic 5. Working my program was critical for me at that time because it helped me to be a better parent and raise healthier children. If you don’t put enough time into raising young children they can turn into teenagers who do unwise things to get your attention! I have a responsibility to the Lord and as an example to my children to magnify my callings. I taught my children to love the Lord and serve others by my example, and as I felt prompted to do so I included them whenever possible. And I am teaching my children how to have an eternal family by working on my marriage. Let children observe these things so that they will know what to do when they enter that season themselves.

There will be other seasons of life to develop additional talents and explore other options when parenting isn’t so time consuming. Aren’t you glad you have something to look forward to when you are no longer raising children or working?

I have a vague memory of a Relief Society lesson from many years ago in which former General Relief Society President Barbara Winder was quoted saying that women would comment to her, in awe, about all she had done and accomplished, expressing doubt that they would ever be able to approach her accomplishments. “Yes,” she would say, “I have accomplished all those things, but not all at the same time.”

Look at how you actually spend your time now. What does this analysis tell you about how you prioritize your time right now?
Are these the priorities you think the Lord wants you to have? If not, what needs to change?
Do you trust the Lord to give you the power to do the things He wants you to do?
What are you willing to change about your life to bring your time usage into harmony with the priorities you want to have? Ask the Lord to help you to make these changes.

Lack of Self-Discipline or Perfectionism?

November 6, 2014Working the ProgramAbstinence, Change, Discouragement, Perfectionism, Plan, Problem SolvingMira Daniels

I have had certain shortcomings my entire life. One of them has been clutter. I remember my room as a child. You couldn’t even see the floor. It wasn’t that I didn’t have enough storage space to put things. I just didn’t do it. It was a major source of contention between me and my parents.

As an adult I thought for many years that the problem was self-discipline. If only I could develop and maintain a system for managing the paper, I would be able to solve the problem once and for all. I repeatedly cleaned up the mess only to have it accumulate again. I began to buy, (collect) books on the subject of organization. I set up filing systems. I just did not have the self-discipline to maintain them. That was the problem, I thought.

I had the same problem with food. If only I could learn to control the way I ate and exert some self-discipline I could get off the diet roller coaster. I would control for a while, on a diet, but then find an excuse to eat for comfort or pleasure. I would get discouraged, give up, and my weight would start climbing again, until I felt badly enough about my weight to start the cycle over.

The Problem is Not Lack of Self-Discipline

Somewhere along the line someone pointed out to me the many areas of my life where I had plenty of self-discipline. I was confused. If I wasn’t short on self-discipline, why could I not maintain a clutter-free environment or a normal weight?

I have come to understand that my problem is not self-discipline; it is perfectionism. If I couldn’t do it perfectly (whatever “it” was), I became discouraged and gave up.

If I couldn’t figure out the perfect filing system, one that enabled me to store everything out of sight, find it again easily when needed, and not forget about anything that needed to be taken care of, I wouldn’t file at all. Perfectionism. I wouldn’t throw much away because, after all, I might need it again. So I ended up with filing systems too complicated to maintain or that did not meet my requirements, or else no system at all, and things would start accumulating. Again. When I saw the piles begin to grow, I became discouraged – again – and just gave up.

If I couldn’t maintain my diet perfectly, losing as much weight as quickly as I wanted to and denying myself anything that wasn’t on the diet, I would become discouraged, and give up. Perfectionism.

Do you see a pattern here? For some reason, in certain areas of my life, I naturally see only perfection or failure. There is nothing in between. When I can’t be perfect I become discouraged. And quit trying.

A Spiritual Solution

As a compulsive eater in recovery I have learned that diets don’t work for me. What I need is a plan of eating that I can live with day in and day out. Something that works for me and is sufficiently flexible for me to be able to adjust to the circumstances of my life. I need a plan that is not about losing weight, but about nurturing myself. I decided to turn my weight over to the Lord. He helped me develop a food plan that worked for me. It went through several iterations, and is still subject to revision as needed. My footwork is to use the plan to decide what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat, one day at a time. His job is to help me maintain a normal weight. And if I eat something I should not have, I no longer see it as a reason to throw the whole food plan out. I just start eating abstinently again from that moment. I have put an end to the all or nothing thinking, the cycle of perfectionism and discouragement that kept me in bondage to compulsive eating.

(Some people do have trigger foods which need to be treated like allergies; they simply cannot have that food or they will be set off onto a binge. When the Lord helps them develop a food plan, it will not contain those foods.)

So what can I learn from my success with eating in a healthy way (overcoming perfectionism) that might apply to my problem with paper clutter?

I need a spiritual solution to this problem, not an exclusively temporal one.
I need to turn to the Lord for His help in developing a plan that is flexible (as appropriate) but effective, not about perfection, but about nurturing myself; creating a wholesome environment in which I can thrive.
I need to do the footwork he gives me to do, one day at a time.
I need to let go of all or nothing thinking, and be satisfied with “progress, not perfection” (a 12-Step slogan).
If I fall off the wagon I need to get back on as quickly as possible.
I need to recognize discouragement as a tool Satan uses to keep me from growth and recovery.
I need to commit to never giving up.

I will keep you posted on my progress.

What recurring problem in your life has not responded to all your efforts to find a solution?
Are you willing to try a spiritual solution?
When will you start?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Structure: Like a Kite String

September 19, 2014Metaphor, ToolsAbstinence, Change, Plan, StructureMira Daniels

A young boy was spending a glorious Saturday afternoon with his Dad. They were flying the new kite that the boy had received for his birthday. The gentle breeze was perfect for launching the kite and keeping it up in the clean, crisp air. The sun was shining but not brutally hot; a perfect kite flying day.

As the boy let out the line a little bit at a time, the kite flew higher and higher. It was so much fun to see the kite dancing and bobbing in the sunshine! He felt the kite pulling against his hold on the reel. There was no more line to let out! He wanted to see how high his kite could go, but there was no more string. “Daddy,” he pled, “let’s cut the line so the kite can fly higher!”

Dad tried to explain to the boy that if they cut the line the kite would fall. The boy wasn’t buying it. It didn’t make sense! He could feel the kite straining against the reel, pulling the line taught, seemingly trying to go higher than the line would allow. Finally the wise father agreed to cut the line and stood by as his disappointed and confused son sadly watch the kite fall into a tree. The line, the very thing that was holding the kite back, was also what enabled it to fly.

In our lives there are also elements that enable us to fly, but may feel like they are holding us back. They are sometimes called rules, or laws, or commandments. In a more general way, they can be called “structure”.

Examples of Structure

I have learned that in order to have a great day, I need to get to bed early the night before and get up early in the morning. (See D&C 88:124.) Years ago, I stayed up late to try to get everything done. I was so exhausted by the time I got to bed that I woke up late and was still tired. I wasn’t very productive, and I felt frustrated and overwhelmed. It took a leap of faith to try going to bed early and getting up early, but putting that structure in place in my life has given me productivity and accomplishment I never had before.

I have lived through periods of time when money was very tight. If you don’t have enough money to pay the bills, it is tough to believe that paying tithing could help. Another leap of faith, and willingness to try it and I found that the blessings that came to me from paying tithing far outweighed the apparent shortage of money. I found that I couldn’t afford not to pay tithing. Over time I learned to first eliminate and then stay out of debt. Structure in my financial life has given me peace of mind and freedom that I never had when my money managed me, rather than me managing my money.

I am a compulsive eater. In the days when I ate anything I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, I had to wear clothes much larger than what I wanted to, and my thinking became as compulsive as my eating. A compulsive eater cannot just stop eating, like a drinker can stop drinking, so what I had to do was put structure in place around my eating. I started by writing down everything that I was eating, and figuring out what actually satisfied me. I started planning my meals, including when, what, where, and how much I would eat. When I eat mindfully, according to my plan, to nurture my body with food that is good for me, I am not compulsive, and no longer think obsessively about food. This is what I have called “Planned Abstinence” in another post.

What areas of your life feel out of control?
What kind of structure could you put in place to help you with these things?
Are there any commandments or is there any guidance from Church leaders that pertain to this which you haven’t fully implemented?
If you can’t think of anything you haven’t already tried, who could you talk to who might be able to help you come up with some ideas?

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 4

June 21, 2014Tools, Working the ProgramAbstinence, Fasting, God-Box, VisualizationMira Daniels

This is Part 4 of my series on Using the Tools. I have described four more tools in this post that I have found useful in overcoming the temptation to use substances or behaviors that keep me from becoming the person I want to be. In the previous posts in this series I have written about the following tools: Prayer and Meditation, Meetings, Service, Sponsorship, Telephone Calls, Writing, Music, Program Literature, Scriptures and Talks, a Plan of Abstinence, a Breathing Exercise, and Going to Bed. In this post I will cover Visualization, God Box, Fasting, and the ARP website. You can see all of the posts that have to do with tools by clicking on “Tools” in the list of categories in the right column on this page. As far as I know right now, this completes the list, but since I embrace new tools whenever someone shares them with me, someday there might be a Part 5!

Visualization

If you cannot imagine what your life would look like if you abstained from your bad habits or addictive behaviors, it is hard to make a better choice. Kimberly Schneider taught me to say “Who do I want to be in this moment, and what would she do?” I have found that question to be an incredibly powerful tool. At first I thought of someone I wanted to be like and asked myself the question. It helped me to imagine what that person would do in the same situation and then make that choice. Over time, I learned to visualize what I would be like if I developed the habits and qualities I was striving for and this question helped me to make the choice that would be consistent with the person I was trying to become.

God Box

When you find yourself worrying or obsessing about something over which you have no control, irritated or annoyed by some large or small quirk or perceived offense, or having to stand by and watch as a loved one struggles with something he or she must master without your assistance, often the most effective thing to do is to make a decision to let go and turn the situation over to God. This may be easier said than done, and making a “God Box” (or “God Can” or “God Bag”) may help.

Write the matter down on a piece of paper and, as a physical symbol of the act of “turning it over to God”, put the piece of paper in the “God Box.” Then, if you find yourself worrying about it again, or trying to take back responsibility for solving the problem yourself, you will have to make a decision: either remind yourself that it has been turned over to God and let Him handle it, or take the piece of paper out of the box and tell God that you are going to work on this one yourself. It is amazing how such a simple thing can make such a big difference. It is also an awesome experience to read back over the slips of paper and realize how well God has handled the things that were so worrisome in the past.

Just to save you some time, let me assure you that it has been my observation over many years of sharing this tool with others that it does not work if you only do it in your mind. You must physically write the problem down on a piece of paper and put it in a container of some sort. Trust me on this.

Fasting

When we need more spiritual power than we seem to have, the best power source available to us is the Lord – through His power of the Atonement, or grace. Brad Wilcox says, “…Grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source… Grace is not achieved somewhere down the road. It is received right here and right now. It is not a finishing touch; it is the Finisher’s touch.”

A very effective way to humble ourselves so that we can receive more of that power is fasting. When we fast we are deliberately putting our physical needs aside and acknowledging our need for and dependence upon God. This helps us to humble ourselves, get in tune with the Lord, and become more willing and able to receive his power.

ARP Website

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has developed a wonderful Addiction Recovery Program website with many features and great content for the support of those who are trying to overcome addictive behavior. It also has a section for family members and loved ones and another section for priesthood leaders. There are videos of people who have found recovery, telling their stories. There is content that discusses the nature of addictive behavior from a gospel perspective. There are podcasts of twelve full LDS 12-Step recovery meetings – one for each of the steps. If you haven’t been to an LDS Addiction Recovery Program meeting, or if you need a meeting and there isn’t one available when and where you need it, listening to one of those podcasts is a great option.

I have listed seventeen tools is the four parts of this series. Which ones have you tried?
Which ones that you have not tried sound interesting to you?
Will you commit to trying them? By when?
Which tools work best for you?
Write about how using the tools helps you to make better choices when you are stressed and/or tempted.

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 3

April 24, 2014Tools, Working the ProgramAbstinence, PlanMira Daniels

In the last few weeks I posted Part 1 and Part 2 of my list of tools to use to help you stay abstinent. Here is Part 3, with three more tools. You can see all of the posts that have to do with tools by clicking on “Tools” in the list of categories in the right column on this page. These tools help me stay abstinent because they are productive behaviors or activities to do when I feel stressed or vulnerable and I would, in the past, have turned to my addiction for comfort. They keep me focused on the Lord so that I can access the power of the Atonement to overcome temptation and to make progress on my path to become the person God has given me the potential to be. Part 1 described the tools of Prayer and Meditation, Meetings, Service, Sponsorship and Telephone Calls. Part 2 covered Writing, Music, Program Literature, Scriptures and Talks.

Make A Plan to be Abstinent

Thinking ahead about what might happen in my day and what might make me vulnerable to my addiction can help me prepare for those circumstances. I can decide what I will do if I feel tempted, so that I will be able to use my tools to avoid giving in to my addiction. There are many different addictions, but they basically fall into two groups when it comes to abstinence: addictions to substances or behaviors which can be totally eliminated from my life (such as alcohol or use of pornography) and addictions to substances or activities which I must engage in, but which should not be done compulsively (such as eating, or spending). I call the first kind “Total Abstinence” and the second kind “Planned Abstinence.” In either case, having a plan will be helpful.

In the case of planned abstinence addictions, I will need to decide in advance how to abstinently do the things I need to do to get through my day. For example, I can plan my food for the day, the night before, in the morning, or a week in advance so that I will not be trying to figure out what to eat when I am starving, or when nothing sounds good, or when I am tired. In the case of spending, a budget will allow me to know what I can afford, so that I can spend what I have planned without feeling guilty, and without getting into debt by spending money I don’t have.

I found that when I started writing down my food, I started losing weight! I wasn’t even on a diet, nor had I made a decision to change the way I was eating. I just became mindful of every bite I was eating because I had decided to write it all down. And magically, I started losing weight! Once I had done some research and made a food plan to take care of my body, I lost even more, and I have been able to maintain that loss. Making a decision ahead of time about what I will eat and/or how much I will eat makes me much more likely to enjoy meals and not feel guilty about them.

I came later to budgeting. Since I started working with a budget I have more peace of mind, I am out of debt, and I have more in savings. I know if I have money for something, and if I don’t, I don’t buy it! We have no contention about money in our marriage. It is awesome! For more information on how to do this I recommend taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University® class.

Breathing Exercise

Many years ago a friend taught me a breathing exercise that is quick and easy and which can dramatically reduce the tension and stress I am feeling in a difficult moment. This is how it is done:

Close your eyes.
Breathe in and out through your nose, slowly and rhythmically.
Focus your attention on the point at which the air is entering and leaving your body.
Choose a phrase or word to say in your mind with each breath. You can choose whatever you want but this is what works for me: on the in-breath I think “I am a child,” and on the out-breath I think “of God.”
Repeat steps 2-4 three or four times with your eyes closed.

When I do this exercise I can feel the tension leaving my body in a very physical and tangible way. If I had thoughts of indulging in my addiction, they are often gone, or at least significantly reduced, in the few minutes it takes me to do this. This is big help to me in trying to stay abstinent.

Go to Bed

When I am tired I simply do not make good decisions. It is almost as if I have a certain amount of “good decision” energy in a day. Sometime in the late afternoon or early evening my supply begins to run out and I start to mindlessly do things that I would never have done earlier in the day. Once I get to this point, I am vulnerable to acting out, especially if anything happens to upset my apple cart. When I first realized this, I tried to come up with various coping mechanisms to help me stay abstinent late in the evening. Some things did help – a little. But nothing works as well as just going to bed! Whatever I was trying to get done is generally not worth the price of breaking my abstinence! I am much more productive in the morning anyway.

To Be Continued

Well, I have a few more tools to write about, and I try to keep these posts relatively short so you won’t put off reading them for “when you have more time” and never get back to it. So, look for Part 4 soon.

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 2

April 10, 2014Tools, Working the ProgramAbstinence, Literature, Music, Scriptures, Stress, Talks, Temptation, WritingMira Daniels

My last post was Part 1 of a list of tools to use to help you stay abstinent by turning to the Lord instead of your addiction, or other inappropriate behavior in stressful situations. Part 1 described the tools of Prayer and Meditation, Meetings, Service, Sponsorship and Telephone Calls. Here is Part 2, which covers Writing, Music, Program Literature, Scriptures and Talks. There will be a part 3, but it may not be the next post, because I have some other things I want to write about, so watch for it.

Writing

I love writing. I find that when I have a pen in my hand I use a different part of my brain than when I am just thinking or talking. If I just start writing about something that I am struggling with, I often find that in the very act of writing, my mind has become clear and I can see and understand things that were hidden from or confusing me. When this happens it becomes much easier for me to stay abstinent. For more on writing see my post on written prayer.

Music

Music can change my mood in an instant in a way that few other things can. Identify music that lifts your mood and music that helps you connect with the Savior. Keep a written list, and/or a playlist on your electronic device. Create or find a Pandora station that plays what you need to hear. Memorize a hymn or other song and sing it to yourself when you need a pick-me-up. Listening to the right music can help me become willing to be abstinent!

I had an amazing spiritual experience with music that was an answer to prayer once. It was a particularly difficult and stressful time in my life and I woke up one morning with a melody going around in my mind. It was not familiar to me, but it sounded like a hymn tune. I got out my hymn book and started turning the pages, one at a time, looking for a melody like the one I was hearing in my head. When I got to page 114 it jumped off the page at me. I didn’t recall ever having sung or heard Come Unto Me before, but the words – and melody – brought such peace to my heart and solace to my soul! I have memorized and used it for comfort in difficult times ever since.

Program Literature

Have you ever escaped from dealing with the reality of life by reading a novel or watching TV? Then you know how media can serve the purpose of distracting you from whatever is causing stress in your life. The problem with using those things to escape the moment is that when you stop reading or watching nothing has changed. I have found that turning to my program literature, such as the ARP manual, The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Al-Anon, or another 12-Step program, or He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen Harrison can distract me for the moment, and also remind me of the progress I am making and why I WANT to be abstinent. Additionally I can find specific thoughts or principles in this literature that can help me turn to the Lord for the power to address the challenges I am facing, instead of my addiction or some other behavior that will not bring me peace or serenity.

Scriptures

The scriptures can also provide great insight and help when we struggle with life. Use your Topical Guide in the back of Bible to search the scriptures by topic. Use the footnotes to lead you to other scriptures that might be relevant. Memorize scriptures that seem particularly helpful. The scriptures contain direct counsel from the Lord. If you are looking for guidance from the Lord to help you deal with a situation you can often find it in the scriptures. See my Resources page for some of my favorite program-related scriptures.

Talks

There is an awesome additional resource for obtaining counsel from the Lord: the writing and talks given by the General Authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They are contained in the monthly Ensign magazine, and can be accessed on the Church website. The General Conference Addresses can be watched, listened to, printed or downloaded here. There are additional wonderful Devotionals and other talks given by Church leaders and BYU personnel which can be accessed at the BYUtv website or at BYU Speeches. Since the Church has created its own channel on Youtube, lots of great talks and videos are available there. Finally, checkout MormonChannel.org, another great site with lots of uplifting content where you may be able to find the guidance you need.

I have links to some of my favorites talks and links to sites where you can order the books I mentioned on my Resources page.

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 1

March 27, 2014Tools, Working the ProgramAbstinence, Meetings, Personal-Revelation, Prayer, Service, Sponsorship, Stress, Telephone-Calls, TemptationMira Daniels

When I am stressed, I have a tendency to engage in behaviors that will relieve my stress. Duh! I wrote recently about how turning to those behaviors instead of the Lord can be like putting other gods before Him. So what can I do to help relieve my stress while staying abstinent from my addiction? What does it look like to turn to the Lord instead of those other “gods?” I have a number of tools that I have learned about from various 12-Step fellowships over the years, and some that I have found on my own. I am planning to write individual posts on some of the tools, but here is a partial list of the ones I have found most useful. My next post will have the second half of the list.

Prayer and Meditation

The first and most obvious tool is prayer and meditation. If my boss is chewing me out or someone is being rude to me I can, in that moment, say a little prayer in my heart and ask the Lord to take away my anger or frustration and tell me how to proceed. I can ask Him to help me see the other person through His eyes. If someone in my family has pushed me to the breaking point and I know that I am about to do or say something that I will regret, I can go to my room, get on my knees and ask the Lord to take my burden, strengthen me to be able to bear it, or give me guidance. Sometimes when I do this, I tell Him that I am going to remain there, on my knees, until the feeling, craving, etc. is lifted. It is scary to put my faith on the line like that, but the Lord has always come through for me, although on occasion my knees start to hurt while I am waiting.

Meetings

Going to a 12-Step meeting is an awesome way to remove myself from temptation and recharge my spiritual batteries. In meetings I can sometimes hear the Lord’s guidance to me through the voice of another person when my own spiritual ears are too clogged with the wax of hopelessness or pride to be able to receive personal revelation. I can serve others by what I say, or just by giving someone a hug or a smile. I can receive the same kind of service myself. I always feel closer to the Lord when I go to a meeting. If there is no meeting available, I can go to the ARP website and listen to a podcast of a meeting.

Service

Attending a meeting is one form of service. I won’t even attempt to list all the other opportunities to serve, but here are some ideas. Reach out to someone who might need it, donate time, do family history work, do temple work, take a new mom’s toddler to the park for an hour, mow someone’s lawn. Any kind of service that is given in Christ-like love can get me outside of myself and my own problems and bring me blessings and a new attitude. But I need to be careful that there are no strings attached to my service; that I am not shaming, throwing guilt, trying to control someone, or attempting to take someone’s agency as I serve.

Sponsorship

Sponsoring someone, or being a support person to someone within the ARP program, is an awesome form of service. As I sponsor I find myself prompted to say things which are just as important for me to be reminded of as they are for my sponsee to hear. A sponsor is a guide; someone who can hold up a mirror so that another person can see themselves and their behavior more honestly and can learn how the Steps can help them find serenity and recovery.

Telephone Calls

Sometimes, when I am tempted to use my drug of choice and I cannot seem to find the strength to just turn away, I will make a phone call to someone and tell myself that I won’t act out until after I get off the phone. Most of the time I call someone else who is working the steps and by the time we are done talking, I don’t feel the craving any more. If I still have it, I can make another phone call, or try one of the other tools. Sometimes staying abstinent has to be done one hour or even one minute at a time.

To Be Continued

In the next post I will share more of my favorite tools for staying abstinent and close to the Lord instead of giving in to my addiction for comfort when I am stressed.

Have you tried any of these tools? Please feel free to share your positive experiences for other readers. I hope you will find some more ideas in this post, or the next one, that will help you stay abstinent.

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Trust: Do Not Put Other Gods Before Him

March 18, 2014Working the ProgramAbstinence, Letting Go, Stress, TrustMira Daniels

Deuteronomy 5:7, “Thou shalt have none other gods before me.”

When is my addiction like another god which I am putting before the Lord? When I turn to my addiction for comfort at times of stress instead of turning to Him.

When I am stressed, what happens in my brain goes something like this:

I feel uncomfortable/stressed/anxious, etc.
I don’t like feeling this way. I just want the feeling to stop!
What will make me feel better? I know!
My old friend #$%&# (in my case, food, but you can substitute any behavior or substance).

At this point in the process, I begin to obsess about how to use my addiction to make myself feel better. Unless I do something to break the pattern, I will probably act out, sooner or later.

The Lord tells us not to put any other gods before him, and what will happen if we do (2 Chronicles 7:19-22). We will lose the blessings and privileges he has given us. I will lose the progress and recovery that I have gained if I turn to my addiction instead of the Lord.

So what can I do to break the pattern? How can I turn to the Lord when I am stressed or anxious or experiencing any other feeling I don’t want to feel?

I stop what I am doing, take a deep breath and literally turn to my right (Isaiah 41:10,13), where I imagine that the Lord is standing by my side. I ask Him to take this from me; to help me to bear this burden by giving me the strength I need to get through this situation without giving in to my addiction. I remember that he has promised that he will give me the power to do all things which are expedient unto Him (Moroni 7:33), and I make a decision to trust Him and let His power flow into me. I may have to do it more than once until the feeling subsides completely, but eventually, it will be gone and I will be grateful that I chose abstinence instead of letting my addiction win.

What do you turn to for comfort when you are stressed?
Are you “putting other gods before Him?”
What could you do differently that would help you more than what you do now?