Monthly Archives: November 2014

Grateful for My Addiction! Are You Kidding Me?

Working the Program

Picture of a man laying a block wall with the words: "The Church teaches me WHAT, the 12-Steps teach me HOWI have observed the incredulous look on the face of a newcomer who hears someone express, in a 12-Step meeting, that they are grateful for their addiction. I have also heard the same person, no longer a newcomer, share the feelings they had at that first meeting, and the gratitude they now felt for the path that brought them to the Lord, through the program.

I was a member of the Church for fifteen years before I attended my first 12-Step meeting.  I had learned about the Lord.  I had learned about the Atonement.  I understood what my spiritual goal was: to return to live in the Celestial Kingdom with my Heavenly Parents and the Lord in a state of exaltation. But I really did not understand how to get there.  I was so imperfect. I knew it had something to do with the Atonement, but I didn’t know how to access that power.

When I began working a 12-Step program I began to progress spiritually.  I found a new understanding of what it meant to walk in faith and how to obtain it by working Steps 1, 2 and 3. I was able to really begin the repentance process and apply the power of the Atonement by working Steps 4 through 10. I learned how to receive personal revelation and connect with the Holy Ghost in Step 11.  Finally, I learned about enduring to the end, service, and missionary work in Step 12.

The Church taught me “What.” The 12-Steps taught me “How.” How can I not be grateful for the addiction that brought me to the Steps?

Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained why we should be grateful for our trials in his April 2003 General Conference address, “Give Thanks in All Things.”

When we give thanks in all things, we see hardships and adversities in the context of the purpose of life. We are sent here to be tested. There must be opposition in all things. We are meant to learn and grow through that opposition, through meeting our challenges, and through teaching others to do the same… When we understand this principle, that God offers us opportunities for blessings and blesses us through our own adversities and the adversities of others, we can understand why He has commanded us again and again to “thank the Lord thy God in all things” (D&C 59:7).

  •  Are you grateful for your trials/addictions?
  • If yes
    • Write about your gratitude for the adversities that caused you to turn to the Lord.
    • What difference has this made in your relationship with Him?
  • If not, are you willing to become grateful?
    • What footwork do you think the Lord would like you to do to help you feel gratitude for those things?
    • Write about the relationship you would like to have with the Lord and how becoming grateful for your adversities might help that relationship develop.

 

Problem Solving Flowchart

Working the Program, , , , , , ,

Flowchart for problem solving based on whether I have control over the problem.

What goes on in your mind when something “goes wrong?” I started thinking about this not too long ago. Some people obsess about why it happened. I don’t. So what do I do?

Is It Something I Can Control?

I go through a kind of flowchart in my mind in these situations. It actually happens pretty quickly most of the time. The first thing I ask myself is, “Is this something I can control?” This is a key question because if it is not something I can control, no amount of anguish, effort or frustration is going to change anything.

If the Problem or Situation is Not Under My Control

If the problem is something that I cannot control I quickly do Steps 1, 2, and 3:

  • Step 1: Admit that I am powerless over the matter.
  • Step 2: Acknowledge that God can handle it.
  • Step 3: Make a decision to turn it over to Him and trust His timing.

I have written several other posts on how to let go and trust God. For example, “Learning to Let Go.” Once I have turned it over, I need to be willing to trust His timing. If I find myself obsessing about the matter again, it is probably related to His timing more than anything else.  I want the problem solved immediately.  He has a perfect sense of when the necessary lessons have been learned and will resolve these things in His own way and time. I need to remember that I turned it over and decide to let it go once more. ( See more on the “God Box” ).

If It is Something I Can Control

Sometimes a problem is something I could do something about, but should not. It might be outside of my area of stewardship – in other words, none of my business. Or it might be better for the other people involved if I let them figure out a solution for themselves. Even if it is my problem to solve, it is often the case that the immediate and obvious answer that pops into my head is not the best one. I have found that praying for guidance is always worth the time.

Praying for Guidance

“Lord, what wilt thou have me do?” This is the humble prayer the Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing says to use in Step 7 on page 42.  I usually write this type of prayer (see more here), and list out the options that I can think of, describing the pros and cons, trying to think ahead to what the outcomes (including possible unintended consequences) might be. I believe this is in harmony with the Lord’s direction to Oliver Cowdery in the 9th Section of the Doctrine & Covenants.

Doing the Footwork

Sometimes the footwork is to watch and wait and continue to pray. Other times it requires more action. If I need to take action I want to feel comfortable that the action I am going to take has the approval of the Lord.  And sometimes I need to have the courage to take the action the Lord gives me to do. I may feel fear. When this happens I try to remember two of my favorite scriptures:

  • “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.” (Moroni 7:33)
  • “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

Trust in the Lord’s Timing

In the end, whether it turns out to be something I have no control over or something I need to act upon, it all comes down to trusting the Lord and His timing.

  • Is there something going on in your life right now that should be put through this process?
  • Are you willing to let go of it and turn it over if it is something that is not in your area of stewardship, or if the Lord tells you just to be patient right now?
  • Are you willing to ask the Lord, with an open mind and heart, if there is any footwork that you need to do?
  • Are you willing to do the footwork He has given you?
  • How do you feel about accepting His timing in the resolution of this matter?

 

Becoming Entirely Ready

Metaphor

Step 6 – Change of Heart: “Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.”

“As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, as we did, that recognizing and confessing your character weaknesses in steps 4 and 5 did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up.”

(A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, Step 6, p. 35)

Woman having her eyes examined.Step 6 can be scary, as you contemplate letting go of all of your character weaknesses. After all, they have been a part of your personality since you can remember, and they have helped you cope with the stresses of life. And besides, who would you be without them?

Let’s imagine that your vision seems to be getting worse and worse. You are having more difficulty seeing and focusing. It seems as if there is something blocking your sight. Maybe you have cataracts or macular degeneration. You debate what to do about it. You know you should probably go to the eye doctor, but what if she wants to do surgery on your eyes! The very thought makes your stomach churn. You finally get up the courage to go, fearing the worst.

The doctor examines your eyes and after she is finished she gives you the good news: there is nothing wrong with your eyes; you need to get your bangs cut!

Of course this is a silly metaphor. But really, how do you know that the character weaknesses you are stubbornly holding onto, afraid to turn over to the Lord, are not something that will be as easy to have removed as getting your bangs cut, once you become willing to ask Him to remove them?

  • What character weaknesses are you reluctant to let go of?
  • Write about the worst possible outcome of asking the Lord to remove them.
  • What can you do to become ready and willing to ask God to remove all your character weaknesses?

 

Lack of Self-Discipline or Perfectionism?

Working the Program, , , , ,

Picture of desk piled with papers.I have had certain shortcomings my entire life. One of them has been clutter. I remember my room as a child. You couldn’t even see the floor. It wasn’t that I didn’t have enough storage space to put things. I just didn’t do it. It was a major source of contention between me and my parents.

As an adult I thought for many years that the problem was self-discipline. If only I could develop and maintain a system for managing the paper, I would be able to solve the problem once and for all. I repeatedly cleaned up the mess only to have it accumulate again. I began to buy, (collect) books on the subject of organization. I set up filing systems. I just did not have the self-discipline to maintain them. That was the problem, I thought.

I had the same problem with food. If only I could learn to control the way I ate and exert some self-discipline I could get off the diet roller coaster. I would control for a while, on a diet, but then find an excuse to eat for comfort or pleasure. I would get discouraged, give up, and my weight would start climbing again, until I felt badly enough about my weight to start the cycle over.

The Problem is Not Lack of Self-Discipline

Somewhere along the line someone pointed out to me the many areas of my life where I had plenty of self-discipline. I was confused. If I wasn’t short on self-discipline, why could I not maintain a clutter-free environment or a normal weight?

I have come to understand that my problem is not self-discipline; it is perfectionism. If I couldn’t do it perfectly (whatever “it” was), I became discouraged and gave up.

If I couldn’t figure out the perfect filing system, one that enabled me to store everything out of sight, find it again easily when needed, and not forget about anything that needed to be taken care of, I wouldn’t file at all. Perfectionism. I wouldn’t throw much away because, after all, I might need it again. So I ended up with filing systems too complicated to maintain or that did not meet my requirements, or else no system at all, and things would start accumulating. Again. When I saw the piles begin to grow, I became discouraged – again – and just gave up.

If I couldn’t maintain my diet perfectly, losing as much weight as quickly as I wanted to and denying myself anything that wasn’t on the diet, I would become discouraged, and give up. Perfectionism.

Do you see a pattern here? For some reason, in certain areas of my life, I naturally see only perfection or failure. There is nothing in between. When I can’t be perfect I become discouraged. And quit trying.

A Spiritual Solution

As a compulsive eater in recovery I have learned that diets don’t work for me. What I need is a plan of eating that I can live with day in and day out. Something that works for me and is sufficiently flexible for me to be able to adjust to the circumstances of my life. I need a plan that is not about losing weight, but about nurturing myself. I decided to turn my weight over to the Lord. He helped me develop a food plan that worked for me. It went through several iterations, and is still subject to revision as needed. My footwork is to use the plan to decide what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat, one day at a time. His job is to help me maintain a normal weight. And if I eat something I should not have, I no longer see it as a reason to throw the whole food plan out.  I just start eating abstinently again from that moment. I have put an end to the all or nothing thinking, the cycle of perfectionism and discouragement that kept me in bondage to compulsive eating.

(Some people do have trigger foods which need to be treated like allergies; they simply cannot have that food or they will be set off onto a binge. When the Lord helps them develop a food plan, it will not contain those foods.)

So what can I learn from my success with eating in a healthy way (overcoming perfectionism) that might apply to my problem with paper clutter?

  1. I need a spiritual solution to this problem, not an exclusively temporal one.
  2. I need to turn to the Lord for His help in developing a plan that is flexible (as appropriate) but effective, not about perfection, but about nurturing myself; creating a wholesome environment in which I can thrive.
  3. I need to do the footwork he gives me to do, one day at a time.
  4. I need to let go of all or nothing thinking, and be satisfied with “progress, not perfection” (a 12-Step slogan).
  5. If I fall off the wagon I need to get back on as quickly as possible.
  6. I need to recognize discouragement as a tool Satan uses to keep me from growth and recovery.
  7. I need to commit to never giving up.

I will keep you posted on my progress.

  • What recurring problem in your life has not responded to all your efforts to find a solution?
  • Are you willing to try a spiritual solution?
  • When will you start?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery, Christ is the Power Source, Problem Solving Flowchart