Tag Archives: Humility

Steps 4 & 5: Composting Our Emotional Debris

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Planting in compostSometimes we just need to take a good hard look at our past, learn from it and let it go. In the 12 Step program this usually takes place in Steps 4 and 5, when we write a searching and fearless moral inventory and share it with God, ourselves, and another person. We list the people, institutions, etc. towards whom we feel resentment, guilt or shame. We figuratively sweep out the root cellar of our hearts and minds, looking for stray items left behind to rot. To the best of our ability we clean house and let go of anything that is holding us back.

We list positive memories in the Step 4 inventory—those that are uplifting, enlightening or comforting—and the gifts, talents and skills we find. We examine and explore how we can use them to bless ourselves and others.

The rotten stuff we gather up and take to the emotional compost pile. As we write the inventory we let ourselves remember each incident: what happened, who was affected, how it affected us. We look for patterns of negative behavior to find the underlying causes and conditions leading to the choices we make today. Then, in Step 5 we turn it over to God and another person and let it go.

It takes humility and courage to overcome our fear of closely examining our pasts. Watered by our tears, the rotten fruit—the emotional debris—is changed into life-giving compost. We no longer need to agonize over the individual incidents in our inventory, or feelings of resentment, guilt or shame. Our memories and experiences can, with the help of the Lord, blend together and become fertile ground in which He plants the seeds of future accomplishment and contribution. In this way He consecrates our afflictions for our good. (See 2 Nephi 2:2)

One Example

One of my sponsees has had a very difficult life, starting with repeated childhood sexual abuse and neglect. To survive her life of continual trauma she developed several dysfunctional coping mechanisms including an eating disorder and other forms of self harm. After decades of these behaviors, with the help of the Lord she found abstinence from her eating disorder. She is now using the 12 Steps to overcome her other addictions. This woman is immersing herself in Steps 4 and 5 with great humility and commitment, even though it hurts to examine her very difficult past. She writes in her inventory every day and shares with me what she has written.

How has her “emotional compost” led to growth and joy? She is recognizing her need for boundaries and learning to set them. Every time she does so, it is a victory for her. She is learning to recognize anxiety when it starts. She is learning to deliberately choose alternative behaviors – healthy behaviors – to cope with it. She is learning to relate to her husband with  a new, more spiritually mature love. She is teaching me how to help others with a background of complex post traumatic stress.

God is using her emotional debris to create a rich, nourishing medium for growth: hers, mine, and all the others we each work with through this inspired 12 Step program.

  • Write about how God can consecrate your affliction for good if you are willing to examine your past and turn it over to Him.
  • Are you willing to do a “searching and fearless moral inventory”?
  • What are you willing to do today to get started?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related posts: Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free, Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery, Six Thoughts about Step 5

If Prayers are Conversations with God, Why Am I Doing All the Talking?

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If prayers are conversations with God, why am I doing all the talking?For many years after I joined the church my morning and evening prayers were 90% talking and 10% listening, if that. They went something like this:

  1. Kneel at the side of the bed or couch.
  2. Open by addressing God, usually as “Heavenly Father.”
  3. Thank Him for what I am grateful for.
  4. Tell Him what I want to tell Him.
  5. Ask Him what I want to ask Him.
  6. Request what I want Him to do for me or a loved one.
  7. Close in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
  8. Get up and get on with my day, or into my bed.

I would do an abbreviated form of this during the day, if needed, usually one or more of steps 3 – 6.

As I heard more about getting “answers to prayers,” I started trying to hear or look for answers in my scripture reading, church meetings, and conference talks. I also hoped that somehow I would “hear” in my mind, direct answers.

At some point I realized that if I wanted to hear answers, it might make sense to listen for them(!), and I began waiting momentarily, after I said “amen,” to see if I could hear anything. When I actually did begin hearing the Lord answer my prayers, I began writing them, so that I could remember what He told me. I have written about this much more extensively in other posts.

Step Prayers

I want to suggest another kind of prayer, based on the 12 steps. These are prayers of humility that may or may not take the place of “normal” prayers. They help me see myself in my proper relationship to God, and help me internalize the principles of recovery. I take steps 1, 2, 3, 7, and 11 in these prayers. Then I just listen. God does most of the talking; I do most of the listening. Here is one example of what this might sound like:

Dearest Heavenly Father, I know that I, of myself, am powerless. Without you I am nothing. I know that you can and will manage my life effectively and help me to realize my full potential, if I let you. I turn my will and my life over to you today. Please remove my weaknesses and shortcomings if it is your will, and give me a new heart. Please help me to recognize and carry out your will in each moment. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

And then… I listen.

It takes less than a minute to say prayers like this, so I have plenty of time to listen. Instead of 90% talking and 10% listening, these prayers are 10% talking and 90% listening. Sometimes it just feels like the right way to connect with God.

  • Can you see steps 1, 2, 3, 7, and 11 in my sample prayer?
  • What percentage of your prayer time is spent talking as compared to listening?
  • What are you willing to do today to improve your conscious contact with God?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Prayer, Meditation and Pondering, Tools: Quality Prayer

 

 

How Humility Enables God to Remove Our Weakness

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When we invite God, in humility, to prune our weaknesses, He can make us more fruitful.
When we humbly invite God to prune our weaknesses, He can make us more fruitful.

Working steps 6 and 7 with humility enables us to access the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to turn our weaknesses and shortcomings over to God so He can remove them. An important aspect of this process is to understand is the difference between sins (deliberate choices to turn away from God) and weaknesses (lack of skill or ability). God gives us weakness (Ether 12:27). It is a part of the human condition.

In “It Isn’t a Sin to Be Weak,” in the April 2015 issue of the Ensign and Liahona, Wendy Ulrich has written a masterful explanation of the difference between sin and weakness. In it she explains important concepts relating to the purpose of weakness (to lead us to God), how to distinguish sin from weakness, and how we should handle each in our lives. She says:

“We cannot simply repent of being weak—nor does weakness itself make us unclean. We cannot grow spiritually unless we reject sin, but we also do not grow spiritually unless we accept our state of human weakness, respond to it with humility and faith, and learn through our weakness to trust in God… As we are meek and faithful, God offers grace—not forgiveness—as the remedy for weakness. Grace is an enabling power from God to do what we cannot do on our own (see Bible Dictionary, “Grace”)—the appropriate godly remedy by which He can ‘make weak things become strong.’”

Overcoming Weakness through Humility

We can overcome some weaknesses by hard work and practice. But what about character weakness? What about interpersonal skills that continue to create problems in our relationships despite our own best efforts to overcome them?

When we turn to the Lord, in humility and faith, and acknowledge our weakness, he can give us grace. Through His grace we can first become willing to let go of the weakness and then actually ask Him to remove it.

In the parable of the vine (John 15:1-11), the Lord does not say that the branches must prune themselves in order to become more fruitful. He says that God, who is the husbandman (see verses 1-2) will purge the branches so that they will bring forth more fruit. Do you believe that you would bring forth more spiritual fruit if your weakness was removed? Then you need to become willing to let go of it and ask God to remove it. This is a two step process.

Step 6: Becoming Ready

“Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.”

Recognizing a shortcoming or weakness is a prerequisite to asking for it to be removed. But identifying it is not enough. We must become entirely ready to have God remove it.

In a previous post on Step 6 I have suggested that one approach to becoming entirely ready is to visualize what new behaviors will take the place of the one you are trying to eliminate. Yet most of us still want to make these changes by ourselves. And after all, what if God’s idea of what I will be like without this shortcoming is different than mine?  A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing says “Probably the most humbling thing to acknowledge is that you still harbor a prideful desire to change without the help of God.” (p. 35). If this is because we don’t trust Him to deliver the outcome we envision, we might need to review step 3.

If trust is not the issue, it may be feelings of unworthiness. We may think, how can I ask God to help me when I haven’t done all that is humanly possibly to overcome this by myself? The truth, as Brad Wilcox describes so well in “His Grace is Sufficient,” is that any and all of our own efforts are not really our own anyway. God has given us every bit of power we have to do anything. We need to let go of pride, admit our powerlessness (see step 1) and face our shortcomings and weaknesses with humility.

Step 7: Asking God for His Help

“Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.”

Humility is the key to step 7. If we go through the motions of asking Him to remove our shortcomings without sincerity and humility, we are wasting our time and breath. He will not—indeed he cannot remove our shortcomings unless we let them go. He will not override our agency. So long as we are stubbornly or fearfully holding on to our weaknesses, He will not remove them.

What does humility look like in taking step 7? Total surrender. Acceptance of God’s will even when we don’t know what it is. Unconditional willingness to become clay in the Master’s hands, to be molded and formed as He sees fit. Acknowledgement that we have failed to live up to our God-given potential, and that we are ready to allow God to enable us to do so, no matter what.

I testify that when we take steps 6 and 7 in true humility, even if it is born of desperation, God will help us to experience the change of heart spoken of in the scriptures. In so doing, we will begin to blossom and bloom in ways we could not have imagined. I have seen it in myself. I have witnessed it in those who have shared their stories in ARP meetings. I have nurtured it in the lives of those I sponsor.

  • What shortcomings or weaknesses are you ready to let go of?
  • Do you trust the Lord to remove them?
  • What are you willing to do to let them go?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: How to Become Entirely Ready for God to Remove Your Shortcomings, From My Prayer Journal: God is My Sculptor, Low-hanging Spiritual Fruit

Finding Peace

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“If you feel worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace.”

A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, Step 10, page 59

Method for Finding PeaceWhen I turn to my addiction (or any other behavior) rather than the Savior when I feel “worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful,” I voluntarily forfeit the peace the Lord can give me and settle instead for temporary numbness or distraction and subsequent remorse. He is willing and able to give me the peace I crave. The price for that peace is the willingness to recognize the pain, humble myself, turn to Him, and open my heart to receive it. So why don’t I just do it?

Recognize the Pain

The feelings listed in the quote above are uncomfortable. I don’t like to feel them. I don’t want to stay in this place. I have a natural tendency, a habit of many years, to look for comfort in distraction or in my “drug of choice.” When I feel these emotions, I need to train myself to recognize this moment as an opportunity to find peace, rather than turn to my old familiar “friends.” (see Changing Channels.)

Humble Myself

I need to admit that I cannot obtain the relief and peace I seek by my own efforts. I have tried and failed at this repeatedly. I need to acknowledge that only with the Lord’s help will I find the peace I crave.

Turn to the Lord

I figuratively or literally get on my knees and acknowledge to the Lord that I am feeling things that have sent me to my addiction in the past. I tell Him that I don’t want to go there this time. I tell Him I am willing to let go of these feelings. I ask Him to take them, and replace them with peace. (See Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 1.)

Open My Heart to Receive His Peace

I make a decision to trust that He will do it, and wait for it to happen. Sometimes I wait right there on my knees. At other times I go about my business, and allow myself to feel the feelings for the moment. I remind myself that I will not die from these feelings. I choose to trust Him to walk by my side and help me to bear them, until He grants me peace, in His time.

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness…For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”

Isaiah 41:10,13

 Why Don’t I Just Do It Every Time?

I am not perfect yet. (See On Being a Perfect Rosebud.) I am a child of God, a human being on earth, and as such, I instinctively avoid pain. But I have learned that I can survive pain now, to get what I want. It is called delaying gratification. I save now so that I can buy what I want later without going into debt. I exercise now so that I enjoy good health and am happy with my body. I work the steps now so that I can live “happy, joyous and free” from my addiction.

I turn to the Lord now, instead of my addiction, so that I can have peace.

  • What uncomfortable feelings trigger you to seek relief in the wrong places?
  • What behaviors do you habitually turn to to escape the discomfort or pain?
  • What are you willing to do today to seek the peace of the Lord instead?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Changing Channels, Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 1, Help: Encircled about in the Arms of His Love, Trust: Do Not Put Other Gods Before Him, On Being a Perfect Rosebud

Developing Humility

Metaphor,

Walking the humility tightropeDeveloping humility is like learning to walk a high wire.  We have to maintain balance.  We fall to the “pride” side when we do not take full responsibility for our mistakes and shortcomings, fail to acknowledge our guilt, and try to shift blame to others.  We fall to the “self-critical” side when we take on guilt and shame that we didn’t earn and don’t deserve.

Just like a tightrope walker in the circus, we can walk the high wire successfully by using a rod to help keep us balanced. For me the rod is my commitment to fully embrace the Atonement and apply it in my life. In order to do this, I study scriptures, ponder, pray and meditate, take a daily inventory of my shortcomings and turn to the Lord for help to make amends as needed and overcome my weaknesses. The more time and effort I put into these activities each day, the longer my rod becomes.  The longer my rod, the easier it is for me to traverse the wire and develop true humility.

  • Can you think of a time when you have fallen to the “pride” side of humility?
  • Can you think of a time when you have fallen to the “self-critical” side?
  • What are you willing to do to lengthen your balancing rod?