Tag Archives: Change

Acceptance: Identifying the Things I Cannot Change

Working the Program,

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.The Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1930’s or 40’s begins with 3 lines that are well known to people with and without 12-Step experience.

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

I have been pondering how to distinguish the things I can change from those that I cannot change. Niebuhr says that wisdom will help us to know the difference, and I certainly pray for wisdom. But other than receiving direct personal revelation about specific things in my life, I would like to have some guidelines for this sorting process.

I know that I can only change myself; trying to change someone else is clearly unwise and usually backfires. In the case of my aging parents, I can try to be sure they get the care that they need, and show them my love in every way I know how, but I cannot control the outcome. I have no control over their illnesses and infirmities. I cannot add one day to their lives nor can I spare them the confusion and frustration they sometimes experience.

But what about children? There the boundaries are not so clear. When they were very small, of course, I controlled everything about their lives, but even then, even my best efforts to comfort and console them and meet their physical needs did not always stop their tears.

The boundaries get more blurry as they get older. For a while I could “make them” do what I wanted (which might not have been such a great idea even then) but eventually my ability to do that disappeared. If a teenager decides that they are simply not going to do something (or are going to do something ill-advised), regardless of the consequences, there is not much a parent can do.

But don’t I have a responsibility to teach this teenager life skills? To keep them safe? To make sure that they develop the good habits that will serve them well as adults? To ensure that they don’t make the same mistakes I did, so they won’t suffer the same consequences I had to suffer?

Sadly, I must admit to myself that once I have made my best effort to give them the information they need, and teach them how to do the things they need to do, my part is done. If I demand that they comply (thereby taking away their agency) I risk ruining the relationship and pushing them to rebel. If they choose to ignore what I have taught and showed them, they will have to live with the consequences, both current and future. My acceptance of my limitations regarding the things I cannot change brings me peace and serenity.  Trying to control what I cannot change brings frustration, heartbreak and chaos.

Most importantly, I need to model healthy, mature behavior by working my own program, including taking my own inventory and maintaining my own sobriety. The rest of the Serenity Prayer gives me guidelines for living my own life.

Serenity Prayer
By Reinhold Niebuhr

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

  • What distressing issues in your life are not within your control? Are you willing to turn them over to God?
  • Is there anything that you have been trying to control without success? Write about whether it is within your area of stewardship or not.
  • Choose something that you need to work on in your own life and seek guidance on how to approach it.  Make a plan.

Growth: Learning to Sandbag or Moving to Higher Ground

Metaphor, Working the Program,

House on the seashoreSuppose my home is on the coast. There are beautiful views of the ocean.  I enjoy the sea breezes. I love hearing and watching the gulls. I have lived there a long time and I am comfortable there. The only problem is that my home is subject to repeated floods, and they seem to be getting more frequent. The floods make a mess! Sometimes I have to clean furniture and replace carpet. Other times it is worse and I have to replace furniture and appliances and tear out wallboard and repaint.

The first few times I was surprised and totally unprepared for the flooding. Now when I find out that a storm is coming I take precautions, and sometimes I succeed in avoiding damage from the flood.  That is growth. I move furniture and boxes out of harm’s way. I board up the windows. I start filling sandbags from a big pile of sand in my backyard and build a sandbag wall to protect my home.  Often my friends come over to help me. I have become an excellent sandbag engineer. But sandbagging doesn’t always work.  It depends on the storm.

At some point, when I become tired of sandbagging, repainting, replacing and otherwise dealing with the aftermath of the flooding, I may decide that it is time to rebuild on higher ground. I might just be able to find a spot that still gives me the view and the sea breeze and the gulls, without the floods.  I may feel sad to leave my little house. Perhaps I have great memories there and neighbors I enjoy. But the time may come that the pain of the repeated flooding is worse than the pain of moving and I become willing to do it. That is an indication of growth.

Sometimes our personal lives resemble my house on the coast.  The same circumstances or events keep happening to us over and over again. We may learn to better handle the events, perhaps by turning them over to God.  But sometimes we may need to make a significant change so that we are no longer subject to those events.

On page 7 of He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, Colleen Harrison says, “I am familiar with a saying: When the pain of the problem gets worse than the pain of the solution we’ll be ready to change.” Moving to higher ground may be painful, but when the pain of continual recurrent flooding becomes worse than the pain of moving, we will become willing to make the move.

  • What does the flooding represent in your life?
  • How have you been handling it?
  • Are you ready to “move to higher ground” (look for a better solution)?
  • What options do you have?
  • What are you willing to do?
  • When will you do it?

 

 

Change: The AADWAR Process

Working the Program, , , , , , ,

AADWAR AcronymIn Steps 6 and 7 we become entirely ready to have God remove our character weaknesses and then we ask Him, humbly, to do it.  So then what?  Do we just expect Him to wave a magic wand and, poof, our character weaknesses are gone?  No.  Part of becoming entirely ready is getting to the point where we are willing to do the footwork He gives us to develop the new positive habits and behaviors that will take the place of the negative ones.  I become a co-creator with God as I create the new me, just like Jesus was a co-creator with God as He created the world.

I have observed that there is a process we go through to implement change in our lives.  I call it the AADWAR process, which is an acronym for Awareness, Acceptance, Desire, Willingness, Action, Results.

Awareness: “Something needs to change.”

Awareness is the first step of the change process.  Nothing will change in my life until I make a decision to change it. I am not going to make a decision to change something unless I know it is a problem!  I can become aware of things that need to change as I read, study, and pray with a humble heart. If I listen with an open mind to others share in meetings and at Church the Spirit will tell me how to apply what I hear to my life. My loved ones will also bring opportunities for change to my attention if I am willing to listen to the message instead of reacting to the method of delivery.

Acceptance: “This really does apply to me now.”

I am sure each of us could make a list of habits or behaviors we “know” we need to change, but have not done anything about.  I certainly have a few of those items.  Acceptance is an important part of the change process.  When I go from thinking “I should make this change” to thinking “I will make this change” I have found acceptance.  Acceptance may be triggered by the pain caused by my dysfunctional old behavior or by a prompting or confirmation from the Holy Ghost.  Often times pride is the reason I struggle with acceptance.

Desire: “I have a vision of what I want to be like.”

Just because I know what I need to change does not mean that I have a desire to do the work necessary to get there, especially if I don’t know what my new replacement habits or behavior will look like!  When I can visualize what my life will be like having made this change, and develop a desire for that new lifestyle strong enough to motivate me to actually make it happen, I have taken a powerful step toward getting there. Once I have the desire I ask the Lord what I need to do.  He gives me work to do, actions to take, a “roadmap” to get me from where I am to where I want to be.

Willingness: “I am willing to act.”

Sometimes, despite having a strong desire for the new life that a certain change will bring, I cannot overcome my fear or reluctance to take the necessary action.  Until I become willing to do the footwork, nothing will change! Praying for willingness is very effective. There are times when I choose not to pray for willingness, because I know that if I do pray for it, the Lord will give it to me, and I don’t want to do it!  There is a difference between having a desire for the new behavior to be a part of my life, and being willing to do the work necessary to get there. When I cannot make myself pray for willingness, I may be able to get myself to pray for the willingness to be willing. I know that sounds silly, but it really does work.

Action: “I do the footwork.”

Once I have become willing, I start to implement the plan the Lord gave me.  I may be scared out of my wits, but I do it anyway, as Susan Jeffers says in Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway. I may feel uncertain about whether I am doing it “right” but I remind myself that I am after “progress, not perfection,” as the AA/Al-Anon slogan says. I don’t let perfectionism keep me in a state of procrastination. And most importantly, I focus on doing the footwork, not on what the results will look like, because I am not in control of the results.

Results: “Up to God”

Letting go of the results is one of the hardest parts about the change process. In the past I started with the results I wanted and worked backwards to figure out how and what to change. Unfortunately, I was frequently frustrated and disappointed because it rarely turned out the way I had envisioned it.  Now I know that the results are up to God.  The results are up to God! Actually, this is a relief, when you think about it.  God knows what I need far better than I do. He is capable of bringing other resources to bear to help me achieve my full potential.  If I can let go of what the results look like and trust Him, I am always amazed at what he can do with my cooperation, which is necessary, because the Lord will not take away my agency.

One trick I use to let go of the results is to make a decision to search for the blessings in the results the Lord has given me.  When I see them, and embrace them, and write about them, and express gratitude for them, I begin to “own” them. Eventually they become a part of my life and I see that God’s vision of my life is even better than mine.

  • What needs to change in your life?
  • Where are you in the AADWAR process?
  • What are you willing to do to progress?

 

Why Are We Here?

Metaphor, , , ,

We, (that part of ourselves that contains our essence, which existed before our bodies were created and will exist after our bodies are gone) were happy and loved wherever we lived before we came to this earth. How do I know? Look at an infant. Watch the spontaneous demonstration of love and affection and joy that emanate from a child who has not been abused. How is it that a baby, in its brief physical existence, somehow innately knows how to love and be loved? I think we bring love with us when we come to earth, and we keep it unless others take it away from us in one way or another.

So, if we were happy where we were, but this mortal life can cause us pain and sorrow, why did we come here? We came to learn and to grow. We came to spread our wings and to fly. We came to find and to reach our full potential in this life, and to develop the skills we will need to magnify our opportunities in eternal life.

This earth life is much like going away to college or to the military. For most of us, home was safe and secure. We were loved there. We had friends, loved ones, places and institutions we were comfortable with. Yet we knew that we could do and be more. We needed to go to an unfamiliar place to learn to walk in faith and to choose for ourselves how to live and who we wanted to be. We left home and struck out on our own.

Yes, sometimes we found a particular course difficult. We may have even failed one or two, but we enjoyed many that forced us to stretch and to grow and to develop our skills, talents and abilities. When we felt discouraged about a failure or had good news to share, we “phoned home,” knowing that we would find help and support and acceptance there. So, too, we can now “phone” our eternal home – pray and ponder – and receive help, support, acceptance, and love.

We are here to find our callings, to discover our potential, to grow, and to reach beyond our current limitations so that when we return to the spiritual home we once left, we will be prepared to fulfill our eternal destiny.

  • What is your life’s calling?
  • If you know, what are you doing to magnify it?
  • If you don’t know, what are you doing to discover it?
  • What more can you do?

 

Tuning In

Metaphor, , , ,

Transistor RadioI have an old battery operated transistor radio I use sometimes when I go for a walk. When it is not quite tuned in to the correct frequency, I can hear some of what is being said, but it may fade in and out, there may be static and sometimes I can hear country music or preaching from another station in the background. I try to avoid changing the station at all because it is so hard to get it to exactly the right spot!  Sometimes, in order to be sure I am tuned in to the right station, I take it over to another radio that I know is correct and turn them both on at the same time.

My heart is like a radio, but it receives the voice of my Savior instead of receiving a radio broadcast.  The signal that carries the Savior’s voice is the Holy Ghost.  This concept is clearly taught in Doctrine and Covenants 8:2, “Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.” (See also Moses 5:9 and Moroni 8:7-9). This spiritual signal is always broadcasting, just like a radio station, but sometimes I get busy and caught up in the world. At these times I cannot hear the Lord’s voice because I am either not listening at all or not tuned in very well.

Sometimes I can hardly hear because of the “background noise” in my life. This includes the stresses of my day-to-day life and Satan’s lies. I am especially susceptible to the ones that include “if only,” “someday,” “should,” and “I can eat just one – it will make me feel better.”  I create static for myself when I compare myself to others. I have written in a previous post about the “committee in my head”. Those voices sometimes shout so loudly that they would drown out anything!

I want so much to be able to hear the voice of love, harmony and peace that speaks to me when I tune in to the right frequency and reduce or eliminate the background noise. I have had to learn this lesson through trial, error and practice.  First, I have to notice when I am not in tune with the Spirit, and not hearing the Lord’s voice. Second, I have to reawaken my desire to hear it. Third, I have to do what is necessary to get tuned in.

I take an honest look at my life – an inventory. I ask myself if I have any self-limiting beliefs or habits that are creating static. Is there anything I need to change to be able to hear His voice?

I have discovered that listening to the right kind of music can help me tune in as much as listening to the wrong kind can interfere. For me, music with words is distracting but certain kinds of instrumental music – Native American flute for example – can help me hear the still small voice of the Spirit.

I have to be willing to believe that the Savior really loves me unconditionally and wants to communicate with me in order to hear His voice. If I don’t turn on my spiritual radio because I am afraid that nothing is being broadcast, I won’t hear the message no matter how good it is.

Just as I sometimes take my little transistor radio over to one that I know is on the right station, I have learned to recognize the Savior’s voice by reading His words in the scriptures and listening to the prophets when He speaks to me through them.

Tuning in is quite a bit of work, but well worth the effort.  Staying tuned in is easier than getting tuned in.  I try to avoid changing the station at all.

  • Are you in tune?
  • Do you need to eliminate static or fine tune your receiver?
  • What actions are you willing to take to help you get and stay in tune so you can better receive personal revelation through the Spirit?

 

Changing Channels

Metaphor, Working the Program, , , , ,

Changing ChannelsOh, how often I have wished that I could wave a magic wand and remove my own shortcomings and character defects. Changing can be so hard! Over the years I have observed that my habits and behaviors are like water flowing down the side of a hill.  The water will find the path of least resistance and as it flows, the channel it runs through gets deeper and wider.  The longer the water flows down that channel the deeper it becomes and the harder it is to change. When something triggers me emotionally my behavior immediately starts running down those old familiar paths before I even have a chance to realize what has happened. I have found that changing the channel – creating new and better habits and behaviors – requires action of three different sorts.  First of all, I have to become willing to let go of the old behavior, and turn it over to the Lord. Secondly, I have to put up a dam that prevents the water from starting to flow down the familiar channel and finally, I have to dig a new channel based on the direction I receive from the Lord. Eventually the new channel becomes deep enough and wide enough that my behavior immediately goes down the new, more productive path when something happens.

The Dam

Just like putting up a dam is necessary to prevent the water from going down the old channel, the first thing I need to do to eliminate an old, bad habit is to recognize it as undesirable and make a decision to stop it.  That decision is not enough to change my behavior, but without that decision I don’t have a chance. I need to think about the pattern, write about it, consider what I get out of it and why I go there.  I write about the consequences of it and why I don’t want to do it anymore. I make a decision and a commitment – to myself, to the Lord, and to another person – that I will not go down that path anymore. This commitment is the dam.

Digging the New Channel

If all I do is put up a dam without digging a new channel – creating a new pathway for the water (my behavior) to flow – the next time I am triggered I will create a flood, a big puddle, or a mess. Nature abhors a vacuum. I need to prayerfully decide what new behavior will work better for me, and learn how to do it.  Again, for me, this involves writing.  I write about my options – everything I can think of.  I ask my sponsor and others who have good recovery for their ideas. I consider what feels comfortable for me; what new behavior I can see myself using in the situation instead of the old ones I am trying to change. I pray for a confirmation that this is the right channel to dig, and then I start digging (doing the footwork)! I write out a plan and ask the Lord to confirm it. I read and reread it every day.  I commit to it – to myself, the Lord, and other people. I take inventory throughout the day to see if I need a course correction. I write about and thank the Lord every day for my progress.  It is an iterative process.  If it isn’t working perfectly, I try to figure out why and make a change to the plan. I know the Lord wants me to become more like Him and will give me the power I need to do it, if I will have faith in Him. (See Moroni 7:33)

  • Do you have any old habits or behaviors that don’t serve you well? What are they?
  • Are you willing to let them go?
  • What new channels would you like to dig? Are you willing to do the footwork?

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