Tag Archives: Acceptance

Avoid Disappointment – Better Expectations

Working the Program, , ,
Don’t “dig a pit for your neighbor” by holding expectations that have not been communicated.

It has been my observation that much of the unhappiness in our relationships can be attributed to expectations: missed expectations, unreasonable expectations, unexpressed expectations. When I have expectations of how others will behave, and they are not aware of or not capable of meeting them, I am setting them up to fail. If I don’t know what someone’s expectations are, despite my best efforts to meet their needs and serve them with love, I may disappoint them.

Those of us who have been hurt or abused in the past, may have deep-seated unmet needs. We may desperately want those around us to meet those needs. We must be careful not to compound the problem by having such high expectations of those around us that we set ourselves up for disappointment.

Part of the problem is that we don’t always know that we have expectations of someone until they fail to meet them! Then our surprise and disappointment can make them feel inadequate, incapable, embarrassed or ashamed. It can become a cycle of hurt.

Think about times that there have been negative feelings in your relationships. Can you trace it back to missed expectations?

I can hear some of you saying, “But I have to have some expectations of others in my life!” Perhaps. If you feel like you must, here are some guidelines that I have found help to avoid creating hurt and disappointment in my relationships.

Guidelines for Expectations:

Be aware of them

Sometimes we have expectations of others that we aren’t even aware of. This could be because we assume all people will behave the way we do, or the way we were raised. Think about your expectations of others and try to be aware of them.

Choose them carefully

If you find that you do have expectations of others, make a conscious decision that you are either going to keep them, or let them go. Don’t just hold on to them by default.

Make sure they are reasonable

Ask yourself if it is likely that the other person will be able to meet your expectations. If it is not, then you are creating an environment of continually repeated hard feelings and frustration. This damages the other person by making them feel like they will never be good enough. This also affects you, by almost guaranteeing your disappointment, and feelings of low self-worth. After all, if s/he really cared about you they would meet your expectations, right?

Communicate them

Even if you have conscious, reasonable expectations, if you do not clearly communicate them, the other person can fail to meet them. Not because they can’t, and not because they choose not to, but just because they didn’t know about them, or don’t have the same understanding of them as you have! For example, perhaps you are a romantic and you would like your loved one to recognize the anniversary of your first date. If s/he is not romantic by nature, they may not even know what the date is, never mind realize that you would like to celebrate it! It is unfair of you to be disappointed that they didn’t remember. If it is important to you, let them know. Don’t “dig a pit for your neighbor” (2 Nephi 28) by setting up situations in your relationships in which someone is likely to be disappointed or hurt.

The other person must agree to them

If you don’t share your reasonable expectations with the other person, and come to an agreement that they will try, in good faith, to meet them, you are likely to be disappointed. Suppose that you express to them that you have a need, and request that they meet it. If they don’t agree to do it, you will probably be disappointed. You cannot control others. You can only control yourself.

What if this person doesn’t want to meet your expectations? Then you need to let go of their behavior and focus on your own. If the other person is an adult, you have to come to terms with the fact that they have their agency and are not obligated to comply with your requests, however reasonable and clearly communicated. When the person in question is one of your children, Love and Logic has some great approaches. Most of them deal with focusing on what you can control (your own choices and behaviors) rather than what you cannot control (your child’s choices and behaviors).

It may make you feel vulnerable to express your needs and desires and risk rejection. You are already doing that by assuming that they will know what to do to make you happy and are willing and able to do it. It is better to talk about it in a calm and reasonable way ahead of time and try to work out a win/win for your relationship.

What if I do all that and I am still disappointed?

What do I do if someone does not meet my reasonable and communicated expectations? That depends on the circumstance.

  1. They tried and failed. I thank them for their efforts, figure out how to get the immediate problem solved without judgment or shaming, and think about or talk with them about what we can do the next time to get a better outcome.
  2. They didn’t even try. This tells me that there is something wrong on a deeper level in our relationship. Perhaps my expectation was not as reasonable as I thought. Perhaps it didn’t take into consideration his/her needs. Perhaps s/he was reluctant to share their true feelings with me because when I don’t get what I want I have a tendency to throw shame or guilt. I have to examine my motives. Am I trying to manipulate or control the other person? Am I being selfish? Maybe they have an unexpressed need that I wasn’t aware of? Maybe they never really agreed to meet my expectations in the first place?

Letting Go

I have written several posts on how to let go of things we cannot control. If our best efforts to have and communicate reasonable expectations are ineffective, the Lord can help us to let go and seek His help to find another approach to getting our needs met.

  • Write about times you have been disappointed or worse as a result of expectations that were not met.
  • What will you do differently in the future to pursue serenity and peace in your life?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Slogans for Living – Part 1, My 5 Priorities for Living in Recovery

 

Paul’s Thorn – Weakness is Not Always Removed by Faith

Working the Program, , ,

God didn't remove the red sea - He parted it. He may not remove our weakness but rather help us overcome it through grace.We have a tendency to look at our Church leaders and compare ourselves to what we see. We always come up short in these comparisons. We don’t see their imperfections, defects, or areas of weakness. Therefore, we presume they have none. We are painfully aware of our own, however, and Satan encourages us to think of ourselves as “damaged goods.”

As we learn about the Atonement and the repentance process we find hope that, somehow, our shortcomings can be removed by the Savior through the Atonement. We work hard, we pray hard, we do our best, and some of them are removed. Some are not. Again Satan tries to convince us that the reason God does not remove all of our weakness is that we are not worthy, He doesn’t really love us, or He doesn’t really exist.

Nephi’s Weakness

Do you remember Nephi exclaiming: “O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.” (2 Nephi 4:17-19). When it finally actually registered (about the umpteenth time I read it) I remember thinking, “Nephi!? Nephi!? Even Nephi was discouraged by his sins and shortcomings? Wow!” Nephi was a great prophet and leader. He may not have been perfect, but he trusted in the Lord and the Lord helped him carry his load. He will help us, too.

Paul’s Weakness

The Apostle Paul was one of the great leaders of the early Church in the years immediately following Christ’s death. His conversion experience, recorded in Acts 9, is generally considered to have taken place within a few years following the Crucifixion. Just over half of the books of the New Testament are attributed to Paul. It is easy for us to read his words and lose sight of the fact that he was a man, just like our Church leaders of today — a good man — but he was not perfect. He tells us in his own words that he had a weakness which He asked God to remove three times, to no avail.

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

I will continue to do the footwork the Lord gives me to do. I will continue to try to find new and better ways of handling things, and find new behaviors to replace my unproductive ones. But, like Paul and Nephi, I am grateful for the power of Christ which supplements and compensates for my weakness. I am happy to give the Lord credit for those aspects of my life in which, together, we are strong.

  • What is your “thorn in the flesh”?
  • What have you done to try to remove it yourself?
  • What will you do today to accept the Lord’s help, and His will — to either have your thorn removed or allow Him to demonstrate through you that through His grace His “strength is made perfect in [your] weakness?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Change: The AADWAR Process, Tuning In

 

My Journey Down the River of Life

Metaphor, , , ,

Journey Down the River of LifeI float on my back down the river of life. My feet are downstream so that I see just a little bit of what lies ahead over the tips of my toes. The river moves slowly and the Lord walks by my side with his hand under me, supporting my back. He sees what is coming ahead. I trust Him to guide me and keep me safe on this relatively easy and effortless journey.

From time to time there are boulders and trees in the riverbed. When I come close enough to touch something with my feet, I need to be soft and flexible. My knees act like shock absorbers, bending as needed and then I straighten them to push myself off the obstruction. Sometimes I “tiptoe” around the object until I can resume my journey.

The water flows a little faster as the riverbed drops down on occasion. I feel a little fear, and look up at my Savior who continues to walk calmly by my side. He smiles reassuringly. I feel His hand gently supporting me. My circumstances do not threaten me. I am safe with Him.

Sometimes there are rapids. I may get bumped and a little bruised. But with the Lord to rescue me and keep me safe, I will not drown, unless I refuse His aid. He may lift me directly and carry me down river past the danger. Or He may have a raft manned by His servants pick me up and care for me temporarily. Sometimes He drafts me to care for others as my journey downstream continues.

There is only one way for me to be in danger: if I decide to manage the trip myself. Even when the river is slow, I barely see over the tips of my toes. Without His loving guidance I will get snagged by submerged limbs. If I try to go it alone in the white water, I will surely be smashed on the rocks or caught in a whirlpool. No. I cannot navigate the river alone. And why would I want to?

  • How fast is the river of your life flowing right now?
  • How flexible are you when you encounter obstacles? What does that look like in your life?
  • What will you do today to give more control to the Savior and allow Him to guide you?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Problem Solving Flowchart, Tuning In, Trust: Do Not Put Other Gods Before Him, There is No Darkness in the Presence of the Lord

 

Acceptance: Reflections on the Death of My Mother

Journal Entry, Working the Program, ,

Mira's Mom and DadLosing a loved one is always hard. Even when they have lived a good life and are just “done”, it is hard to let go; to accept that there will now be a time of separation. For those who have a testimony of life after death, it can be a little easier, because we have hope of being together again. But the pain of missing them is still a reality of life.

Acceptance

The key to peace for me, as I lost first my father and then my mother within ten months, is acceptance. In On Grief and Grieving Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler identified 5 stages in the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I know that many people do experience these five stages, and it is good for them to understand the process so that they don’t think something is wrong with them as they pass through these emotions.

My Experience

Thirty years ago I lost my three year-old son Mikey in a drowning accident. It was certainly unexpected and played out quickly over just a few days. Now I have lost my Dad and my Mom who both declined slowly over years and months. In all three cases, regardless of whether death came suddenly and unexpectedly, as a welcome relief, or was a quiet, peaceful passing, my experience with grief and loss seems to be colored by my testimony of an afterlife and the 12-Step work I have done on acceptance.  I have learned to trust the Lord in all things, everyday. I have learned that with His help I can overcome anything; he will give me the strength and power to do all things that are expedient unto him (see Moroni 7:33.)

As far as I can tell, I have not experienced denial, anger, bargaining or depression in the face of death; some sadness – yes, but sadness is not depression. I have been blessed to go immediately to a place of acceptance. It is a comfortable place. I am grateful for this gift.

The morning I got word that my mother had slipped through the veil, I was standing in the bedroom and the following conversation took place in my head. I seemed to hear my mother speaking to me.

Mom: “You know what? There IS an afterlife! And Dad is here, too!!!”

Me: “I know, Mom. ?”

Then, a few minutes later, I was reflecting on the fact that I never “heard from” Dad after he died, and I thought, “He was too proud and stubborn to tell me I was right”. And then, in my head, I heard HIS voice: “Yeah, yeah.?”

As I wrote my prayers in the days following my mother’s death, this came to me in the Lord’s response to one prayer:

“Your Mom and Dad are adjusting to the new realities of their lives. Because your Mom is more open to learning new truth that is not consistent with the ‘traditions of their fathers,’ she and your Dad will be walking the same spiritual path at the same time, despite his earlier arrival. It helps that Mikey, and their parents, are able to visit with and teach them.  Oh, what interesting conversations are taking place up here. ?”

As I said at the end of my post about Dad’s death, it is what it is. I am at peace. And I am grateful.

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Peace: It Is What It Is, Acceptance: Identifying the Things I Cannot Change, Change: The AADWAR Process

 

Problem Solving Flowchart

Working the Program, , , , , , ,

Flowchart for problem solving based on whether I have control over the problem.

What goes on in your mind when something “goes wrong?” I started thinking about this not too long ago. Some people obsess about why it happened. I don’t. So what do I do?

Is It Something I Can Control?

I go through a kind of flowchart in my mind in these situations. It actually happens pretty quickly most of the time. The first thing I ask myself is, “Is this something I can control?” This is a key question because if it is not something I can control, no amount of anguish, effort or frustration is going to change anything.

If the Problem or Situation is Not Under My Control

If the problem is something that I cannot control I quickly do Steps 1, 2, and 3:

  • Step 1: Admit that I am powerless over the matter.
  • Step 2: Acknowledge that God can handle it.
  • Step 3: Make a decision to turn it over to Him and trust His timing.

I have written several other posts on how to let go and trust God. For example, “Learning to Let Go.” Once I have turned it over, I need to be willing to trust His timing. If I find myself obsessing about the matter again, it is probably related to His timing more than anything else.  I want the problem solved immediately.  He has a perfect sense of when the necessary lessons have been learned and will resolve these things in His own way and time. I need to remember that I turned it over and decide to let it go once more. ( See more on the “God Box” ).

If It is Something I Can Control

Sometimes a problem is something I could do something about, but should not. It might be outside of my area of stewardship – in other words, none of my business. Or it might be better for the other people involved if I let them figure out a solution for themselves. Even if it is my problem to solve, it is often the case that the immediate and obvious answer that pops into my head is not the best one. I have found that praying for guidance is always worth the time.

Praying for Guidance

“Lord, what wilt thou have me do?” This is the humble prayer the Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing says to use in Step 7 on page 42.  I usually write this type of prayer (see more here), and list out the options that I can think of, describing the pros and cons, trying to think ahead to what the outcomes (including possible unintended consequences) might be. I believe this is in harmony with the Lord’s direction to Oliver Cowdery in the 9th Section of the Doctrine & Covenants.

Doing the Footwork

Sometimes the footwork is to watch and wait and continue to pray. Other times it requires more action. If I need to take action I want to feel comfortable that the action I am going to take has the approval of the Lord.  And sometimes I need to have the courage to take the action the Lord gives me to do. I may feel fear. When this happens I try to remember two of my favorite scriptures:

  • “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.” (Moroni 7:33)
  • “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

Trust in the Lord’s Timing

In the end, whether it turns out to be something I have no control over or something I need to act upon, it all comes down to trusting the Lord and His timing.

  • Is there something going on in your life right now that should be put through this process?
  • Are you willing to let go of it and turn it over if it is something that is not in your area of stewardship, or if the Lord tells you just to be patient right now?
  • Are you willing to ask the Lord, with an open mind and heart, if there is any footwork that you need to do?
  • Are you willing to do the footwork He has given you?
  • How do you feel about accepting His timing in the resolution of this matter?

 

Slogans for Living – Part 1

Working the Program, , ,

In 12-Step meetings you will hear a lot of slogans. They encapsulate basic truths about life, and how to live it sanely and abstinently. They are easy to remember, and good to apply in moments of stress. Here are a few of my favorites. I think you will find them useful whether you are working a 12-Step program or not.

“What others think of me is none of my business.”

When I stop worrying about what others think of me and just go about my own business, doing the best I can in each moment, I am less stressed, and I stop wasting precious time and energy obsessing about something I cannot control. Most of the time I don’t really know what others think of me anyway, and they probably think about me way less than I think they do!

“Take what you like and leave the rest.”

When I talk to people about my own experience, and how it might be applicable to their situation, I try not to give unsolicited advice.  I am not perfect at this yet, but I am getting better. However, I am pretty consistent at telling them to “take what you like and leave the rest.” Just because someone listens to me talk about my own experience – even if they actually have asked me for advice – does not mean that it applies to their situation. I cannot possibly know what they really need to do in their situation. But if they hear anything at all in my experience that strikes a chord and feels like something they want to try – great. And if not, that is fine, too; which brings us to the next slogan.

“It is what it is.”

Having specific expectations of anything is a great way of being disappointed and frustrated. It leads to resentments and relationship trouble. Accepting people and circumstances as they are, seeking guidance on the healthiest and most productive way to deal with them, and leaving the results up to God are great contributing factors to living in a state of serenity. To see this slogan in action read my post Peace: It Is What It Is.

“Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want.”

When we pray we put into words the (hopefully righteous) desires of our hearts. In the scriptures we are taught that our thoughts affect who we are. (see Proverbs 23:7). The more we think about something, the more we call it into our lives. Worrying about something does not make it go away or fix it. Worry is a form of obsession. If you know you need to stop worrying about something, try putting it in your God Box, which I describe in two other posts: Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 4 and Learning to Let Go.

  • Would it help you to internalize and apply any of these slogans?
  • Which slogan(s) seem most applicable to you?
  • What can you do to learn it and make use of it in your daily life?

 

Peace: It Is What It Is

Journal Entry, ,

Last picture of my parents togetherAs I write this I am on an airplane heading home.  A week ago last Monday, my Dad took a turn for the worse and I made next day plans to fly out to be with him.  He was almost 93, and had lived a full and VERY productive life, both professionally and personally.  He was instrumental in building several creative and community institutions and quietly worked to keep them vibrant and running smoothly almost to the very end.  He was also opinionated and stubborn.  And I mustn’t forget brilliant.

I arrived around 10 PM on Tuesday and my brother took me straight to the hospital.  I decided to stay the night with Dad there.  I am glad I did.  He was uncomfortable and I was able to help.  I was up with him 2 or 3 times an hour through the night as I tried to make him comfortable.  I finally asked him if he wanted me to request some pain medication.  He wasn’t exactly in pain – mostly he was just ultra sensitive to folds in the sheets or edges in the pads under him.  He said no to the pain medication. “It doesn’t help!,” he said with exasperation.  “Dad,” I said, “If it doesn’t help we need to increase the dose!”

Wednesday morning I talked to the doctors and we were able to get him a dose that was effective and for the first time in a long time he was able to rest comfortably.  We spent the day setting things in motion to bring him “home” to his room in the nursing facility where my Mom also has a room.  Wednesday evening I went to my brother’s home for dinner and a shower and back to the hospital to spend a peaceful night with Dad.

Thursday afternoon I rode with him in the ambulance.  I camped out in his room again that night, although the room wasn’t really set up for me, like the hospital room had been. I am glad I did.  Despite being in a very caring nursing facility, there were some communication problems regarding his pain meds and I had to advocate for him from about 2 to 5 in the morning until we were finally able to get him comfortable again.  I only got about 2 hours of sleep that night.

Friday morning, my Mom came into his room after breakfast and we sat facing each other by the side of Dad’s bed.  We talked about this and that for an hour or so.  Every so often one of us would hold Dad’s hand or stroke his arm as he slept.  It was a peaceful, comforting time, and I have no recollection of my Mom having difficulty conversing with me despite the ever-present aphasia from her Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.  She gets so frustrated when she can’t find the words she needs to express herself.

About 10:30 Friday morning Dad coughed a quiet little cough, and I realized I hadn’t offered him any water on a sponge pop in a while.  I went to get him a fresh cup of ice water.  When I got back and started to place the sponge pop to his lips, I realized he was gone. I went and got the physician’s assistant from the nurse’s station and she confirmed it.  His struggle and suffering were over.

My brother and sister-in-law, who live nearby, spent the entire summer moving them into the nursing facility and clearing out their apartment and arranging their affairs and tirelessly attending to their needs.  They were especially careful in the last few weeks to make sure my Mom understood that we would be losing Dad soon.  They did “good.”  She may be very confused about a lot of things, but she is very clear about Dad.  He is gone, and it’s OK. That’s what happens in life.

I am the only one in my family who has a belief in God. It is hard for me to remember how it was and imagine how I would be able to cope with losing a loved one without faith in an afterlife.  But they seem to be at peace, if for no other reason than that it was time.  He had lived a long, full and meaningful life of contribution and accomplishment.  His body was worn out.  It was time.

I look forward to a joyous reunion.  I know we will be together again, and I will have the last laugh after all the discussions about the pointlessness and lack of need for anything spiritual or religious in their lives.  I will laugh at Dad’s surprise to find out that there actually is a life after death.  I will laugh at the necessity for him to admit that I was right.  We will laugh as we wrap our arms around one another and embark upon a new chapter of life together – with my grandparents and their parents…

It is what it is. I am at peace.

 

Acceptance: Identifying the Things I Cannot Change

Working the Program,

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.The Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1930’s or 40’s begins with 3 lines that are well known to people with and without 12-Step experience.

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

I have been pondering how to distinguish the things I can change from those that I cannot change. Niebuhr says that wisdom will help us to know the difference, and I certainly pray for wisdom. But other than receiving direct personal revelation about specific things in my life, I would like to have some guidelines for this sorting process.

I know that I can only change myself; trying to change someone else is clearly unwise and usually backfires. In the case of my aging parents, I can try to be sure they get the care that they need, and show them my love in every way I know how, but I cannot control the outcome. I have no control over their illnesses and infirmities. I cannot add one day to their lives nor can I spare them the confusion and frustration they sometimes experience.

But what about children? There the boundaries are not so clear. When they were very small, of course, I controlled everything about their lives, but even then, even my best efforts to comfort and console them and meet their physical needs did not always stop their tears.

The boundaries get more blurry as they get older. For a while I could “make them” do what I wanted (which might not have been such a great idea even then) but eventually my ability to do that disappeared. If a teenager decides that they are simply not going to do something (or are going to do something ill-advised), regardless of the consequences, there is not much a parent can do.

But don’t I have a responsibility to teach this teenager life skills? To keep them safe? To make sure that they develop the good habits that will serve them well as adults? To ensure that they don’t make the same mistakes I did, so they won’t suffer the same consequences I had to suffer?

Sadly, I must admit to myself that once I have made my best effort to give them the information they need, and teach them how to do the things they need to do, my part is done. If I demand that they comply (thereby taking away their agency) I risk ruining the relationship and pushing them to rebel. If they choose to ignore what I have taught and showed them, they will have to live with the consequences, both current and future. My acceptance of my limitations regarding the things I cannot change brings me peace and serenity.  Trying to control what I cannot change brings frustration, heartbreak and chaos.

Most importantly, I need to model healthy, mature behavior by working my own program, including taking my own inventory and maintaining my own sobriety. The rest of the Serenity Prayer gives me guidelines for living my own life.

Serenity Prayer
By Reinhold Niebuhr

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

  • What distressing issues in your life are not within your control? Are you willing to turn them over to God?
  • Is there anything that you have been trying to control without success? Write about whether it is within your area of stewardship or not.
  • Choose something that you need to work on in your own life and seek guidance on how to approach it.  Make a plan.