Monthly Archives: April 2015

12-Step Fears of Failure

Working the Program,

Faith Negates Fear

Most people come to the 12-Steps because they have a habit or addiction that has not been permanently healed or relieved by other approaches. What is different among newcomers is the level of fear they feel about becoming free from their addiction, about how hard it might be to work the Steps and about failing.

Desperate to Be Free

A common thought in 12-Step circles and literature is that “when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution we will be ready to change.” Another way to say this is that when we are sufficiently desperate to be free from our addiction, we will be willing to do the work, even if we don’t want to do it. Desperation works in our favor in this area.

Fearful of the Process of Working the Steps

Often we get hung up looking ahead at the future steps that we are afraid of having to do. We obsess about things like:

  • If I turn my will and my life over to God, what if His plan for me or His timing is not what I want? (Step 3)
  • If I have already confessed and repented of a past transgression, do I have to include it in my 4th step inventory? (Step 4)
  • If my sponsor knew everything I have done s/he would judge me or reject me. (Step 5)
  • What will my life be like without a particular weakness or shortcoming that I see as an integral part of who I am? (Step 6)
  • What if I ask God to remove my character defect and He doesn’t? (Step 7)
  • I don’t think I can forgive the one who caused me such pain! (Step 8)
  • What if I try to make amends to someone and they reject me? (Step 9)

The purpose of working the program is to access the Atonement to relieve you of guilt, shame, and resentment and enable you to fulfill your potential with the help of the Lord.

“For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.” (2 Nephi 28:30)

We work the program one step at a time for a reason. That is the pattern the Lord has set up for us to learn truth and wisdom. We are not ready to work a step until we have completed the previous step. When we have really completed a step we want to move on to the next one. The fears listed above are gifts from the Adversary to stop our forward progress. There are specific answers for each one of them but the most important thing to keep in mind is this: if we stop thinking about the future steps and just focus on the step we are currently working on, we will make progress and find recovery.

Fear of Failure

The most debilitating fear is that even if we do the steps, we will not be freed from our addictions. If we come to the 12-Steps believing that we have tried every other approach to becoming free, and that this is our last chance and only hope, then the fear that even this will not work can be paralyzing. Sometimes people stop attending meetings and stop working the steps because they are afraid that if it doesn’t work they will be left without hope.

The most poignant answer to this fear comes directly from the Lord:

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

If the spirit of fear does not come from God, then where does it come from? Refuse to accept that gift from the Adversary. Instead, gratefully receive the gifts of power, love, and a sound mind that the Lord is willing to give you.

  • What fears are holding back your progress?
  • Are you willing to receive the gifts of power, love and a sound mind that the Lord offers you?
  • Write about what you and your life would be like if you received those gifts.
  • What will you do today to take a step towards living without fear?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery, Failure? – Like a Baby Learning to Walk, Focus: Riding through the Boulders, Overcoming Fear – the Invisible Fence

 

From My Prayer Journal: God is My Sculptor

Journal Entry, Metaphor, , ,

Image of flowing water with textL "From My Prayer Journal." God is so good to His children. It amazes and inspires me to see His plans gently unfolding – almost unnoticed if one is not focused and attuned to watch, observe and see His hand in all things. It amazes me. Often the signs are so subtle – as the gentle unfurling of a new leaf on a plant. Yet each action quietly opens the way for us to go through another door, overcome the next stumbling block, see past the next obstacle, around the next corner.

We have to learn to trust Him; to know He has our lives in His capable hands. He is a sculptor, gently removing shortcomings as unnecessary clay, adding and strengthening, bending and straightening, but only because we have placed ourselves willingly in His hands. The one thing He will not take is our agency.

We must freely and willingly give ourselves to the Sculptor and trust Him to liberate our full and best selves from the block of marble in which we are encased; chipping each small imperfection away, sometimes with a chisel – the chisel of circumstance, adversity and the actions of others in our lives – other times smoothing and polishing as flowing water infinitely slowly and gently removes sharp edges from a stone. He uses the water of the scriptures, the living water of the gospel truths we hear – at church, in prayer and meditation, in writing, in 12-Step meetings, in hearing these truths come out of our own mouths as we teach, sponsor, and befriend others.

Dearest Daughter,

Peace be unto you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth. I give you the peace and serenity of the gospel and the 12-Steps, that through them, you may draw near to me, that you may feel my loving embrace; that you may share with others the love which I so freely give unto men. This peace and serenity are available to all, if they will but turn their faces away from the solutions the world offers, and unto me. I am the source of the living water that nourishes, but also polishes and perfects. Fear nothing. I am always with you. I walk your walk with you. I support and sustain you as you labor in my behalf. All will be well. Trust me. I will open the way for you to be an instrument in my hands. Go in peace. Amen.

  • How have you seen God’s hand in your life?
  • How have you been changed by his chisel, or by his living water?
  • What will you do today to become more aware of His hand in your life, or, to allow Him to smooth your rough edges?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Change: The AADWAR Process, Changing Channels, Help: Encircled about in the Arms of His Love

 

Agency – the Heart of Step 3

Working the Program, ,

“Step 3: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”

 

It is about Grace.Steps 1 and 2 are about gaining new understanding  (1 – that I am powerless and 2 – that God can restore me) and being willing to integrate that understanding into my belief system. In Step 3 I make a decision to allow God to restore me and to allow Him give me the power to do what I have been unable to do for myself; the power to be healed from my addiction, from my shortcomings, and from my afflictions.

Allow God to do something? Really? Am I in a position to determine whether God can do anything or not? God is omnipotent! Of course He is. But, if I hold so tightly to my own puny power and will that I cannot open my heart to receive His gifts then there is nothing He can do.  Why? Because above all else, God respects my agency, the greatest gift he has given me. Agency is the principle over which the war in Heaven was fought. Agency is the essential element of the Plan of Salvation. There is no need for the Fall or the Atonement (primary elements of the Plan of Salvation) unless we have agency. The point of the Fall is to put me in a position to learn to use my agency to walk in faith and obedience, and become like the Savior.  The point of the Atonement is to provide power for me to overcome my weaknesses and shortcomings on my journey and to pay the demands of justice so that I can return to Heavenly Father’s presence even though I will never achieve perfection on this earth. At the heart of the whole plan is Agency.

Working a 12-Step program is not really about the steps, willpower, sponsors or meetings. It is about grace. It is about understanding that God’s grace is a free gift to all of his children, not made conditional on worthiness or anything else.  When we open our hearts to receive His grace, to receive the power He atoned and died to provide for us, we use our agency to pick up the one thing we need to recover from addiction, overcome grief, or be healed from trauma.

  • Write about your decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
  • Are you willing to receive both the enabling and redeeming powers of the Atonement to help you on your journey of recovery? (See Elder Bednar’s 2012 conference talk:  The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality)
  • What will you do today to use your agency to make progress?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Steps 1, 2, and 3: I Can’t, He Can, I’ll Let Him, Learning to Let Go

 

Declaring Spiritual Bankruptcy – Becoming Happy, Joyous and Free

Metaphor,

Image of people in silhouette at sunset jumping for joy with caption "Happy, Joyous, and Free."

When a person, family, or business becomes so overwhelmed with debt that they cannot see how they will ever be able to pay it all, our society provides a way to get a fresh start.  It isn’t easy, and it has long term repercussions. It is called “declaring bankruptcy.” When someone declares bankruptcy, they must list all their debts, and with certain limitations, the judge can “wipe them out” with a signature. The point of doing this is to free ourselves from the past and to start over.

It is emotionally difficult to go through bankruptcy.  It feels like a public admission of failure. Certainly, some debt is thrust upon us due to no fault of our own, as in the case of unanticipated medical bills. But sometimes people may be embarrassed to admit certain things they have done that put them into debt. For example, they might have gambling debts, or perhaps they borrowed money to get into a business that turned out to be a scam. Nevertheless, it would be silly to declare bankruptcy without fully disclosing all of our debts to the judge. Why would anyone want to go through the difficult process of bankruptcy only to be left with debt in the end?

When we work Step 4 of the 12-Step program, we create a moral inventory. It is a complete list of all the resentments, judgments, anger, frustration, disappointment and guilt we can remember from our entire lives. We look for examples of pride, self-pity, self-deception, and self-will and include those incidents, too.

The point of doing this is to free ourselves from the past.  Once we have written down everything we can think of that might be holding us back, we can move on to Step 5 and give our inventories away to God and to another person. God can help us to let go of all these “spiritual debts” and start anew.

It would make no more sense to hide any of our spiritual and emotional debts when we do our 4th step inventories than it would to hide financial debts when applying for bankruptcy. We do this work to become happy, joyous and free. We make a “searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves” so that we can be sure that when we confess and give our shortcomings to the Lord in Steps 5, 6, and 7 we don’t leave anything out. We put it all on the table so that we can be completely cleansed and healed from our mistakes, our shortcomings and our weaknesses.

  • Have you worked steps 1, 2, and 3 to prepare yourself to begin a fourth step inventory?
  • Are you willing to set aside pride and shame and be searching and fearless as you work on your inventory?
  • What will you do today to become free from the mistakes of the past and become happy, joyous and free?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Forgiveness: Left on the Cutting Room Floor

The Contradiction between Values and Behavior

Working the Program, , ,

“Some people recognize the need to be free from addiction but are not yet willing to begin. If you are in that situation, perhaps you can begin by acknowledging your unwillingness and considering the costs of your addiction. You can list what is important to you. Look at your family and social relationships, your relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability to help and bless others, your health. Then look for contradictions between what you believe in and hope for and your behavior. Consider how your actions undermine what you value.” (A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, pp. 1-2)

Image of lined writing paper with a heading of Step-1 Inventory, followed by 2 colums: Values and Behavior. The purpose of this inventory is to identify contradictions between values and behavior.

I once participated in a marriage enrichment seminar. One of the exercises was to make two lists. On the first list we each wrote down the things that were important to us; the things we believed and hoped for. On the other list we wrote how we actually spent our time. The leader of the activity shared that when he first did this exercise, he listed “relationship with children” as one of his values. When he actually looked at what he spent his time doing, he realized with chagrin that his behavior indicated that watching old Star Trek reruns was more important to him than building his relationships with his children. That is the kind of contradiction I think the passage I quoted from Step 1 in the Guide is talking about.

For me, part of working Step 1 is this kind of inventory. How does my behavior compare to my beliefs and values? If I say I would like to have a good relationship with my husband but my behavior tells me that I judge or belittle him, I need to admit that there is a contradiction between my behaviors and my values. The same thing applies if I don’t spend time with him, or I ignore his needs and expectations.

I say that I would like to be healthy and maintain a normal weight. If an inventory of my behavior tells me that I am obsessing about food, eating food I have not planned, letting portion sizes get out of control, or eating foods that I know are not good for me, my behavior is undermining what I value.

Becoming aware of these contradictions does not mean that I can immediately fix my behavior. In fact, that is why I am embarking upon a 12-Step journey: because I have not been able to change my own behavior despite my best efforts. That is OK. The good news of Step 1 is that I can have hope. I need to be willing to admit that I am powerless and work the 12-Step program as honestly and faithfully as I can. If I do these things, the Lord, through the power of the Atonement, will either remove my weaknesses and shortcomings or give me the power I need to turn them into strengths.

  • Try writing a Step-1 Inventory listing your values and beliefs on one side and listing your relevant behavior on the other.
  • Are there any contradictions between your behavior and what you say your values are?
  • Do you have hope that it is possible for you to overcome these contradictions with the Lord’s help?
  • What will you do today to make progress?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Steps 1, 2, and 3: I Can’t, He Can, I’ll Let Him, Can God Understand My Powerlessness?