Category Archives: Working the Program

Overcoming Perfectionism: the “Good Enough” Principle

Working the Program,

Image of ocean with rocks at sunset, saying "Maybe it's already GOOD ENOUGH?"I may be living in a state of recovery, but that does not mean that I no longer have shortcomings or character defects. Something I still struggle with is a tendency towards perfectionism, just like many people in recovery. Of course, I don’t want to think of myself as a perfectionist, and there are many aspects of my life in which I am not one. But every now and then I become aware of sneaky, subtle perfectionism in some aspect of my life.

I have found a way to let go of this paralyzing shortcoming, when I find myself obsessing over something, or spending way too much time on it because I want it to be perfect. I ask myself this question: “Is it good enough?” I call this the “Good Enough” principle.

Let’s say I am taking a class. I have a solid “A,” an average of 95% and there is no way I could possibly end up with a “B” in the class. I have one project left and all I have to do is pass to keep my “A.” Of course I am not the kind of person to completely slack off and do “C” or “D” work. But really, if I have put in 10 hours, I know it is worth at least a “B” in its present form, and I have lots of other responsibilities that demand my time, it is Good Enough! I do not need to put another 5 hours into getting it from a “B” to an “A”. I already know I will get an “A” in the class.

Here is another example. I am in charge of decorations for an event at Church. I have a group of people who are helping me. I have gotten ideas from everyone, have decided on a theme and have identified who needs to bring what in order to make it happen. Everyone says it is going to be wonderful. I happen to be checking Pinterest and I find the cutest idea! It is so awesome! Everyone is going to be blown away by it. It will only require two extra committee work meetings ahead of time (or 20 hours on my part) to assemble the decorations and I will have to spend an extra $30 out of my pocket on materials because we don’t have any extra budget. STOP! Apply the Good Enough principle. No one will ever know about the cute idea we did not use. The approach we already have in place will be just fine.

I am a grateful, recovering compulsive over-eater. When I first became willing to write down my food, I asked people at my 12-Step meeting what they used to plan and record their food. Most just used an empty notebook. That did not seem sufficiently structured for me. I used desktop publishing software to design a pocket sized booklet that I could use to both plan and record my food. I created a self-publishing company, got ISBN numbers from Bowker, and actually listed it for sale on Amazon. I am not kidding! Do you think, maybe, I didn’t understand the GOOD ENOUGH principle? (I actually sold about a dozen of them.)

I have found this tendency to be a perfectionist to be particularly problematic for me and my sponsees when it comes to doing a Fourth Step inventory. I can’t tell you how many conversations I have had with people regarding exactly how to do an inventory. The truth is that how you do your inventory is not as important as that you do your inventory. First of all, you will get a chance to do it again the next time around. Secondly it is actually good to do it in a variety of ways over time to help you explore different aspects of your life. So just pray for guidance, pick an approach, and do it! It will be Good Enough!

  • What have you been procrastinating about or wasting time on because you want it to be perfect?
  • Is it already or could it relatively easily be made GOOD ENOUGH?
  • What will you do today to move forward, applying the GOOD ENOUGH principle?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related posts: Lack of Self-Discipline or Perfectionism?, One Day At A Time Management, The Quest for Perfection – Reflecting on Genesis 17:1

 

Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery

Working the Program, , , ,

Blue sky with wispy clouds; "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7.Among the 12 Steps, there are a few that can make us feel so fearful or overwhelmed that we may choose to stop our forward motion rather than have to work those steps. Step 4, in which we take a searching and fearless moral inventory is one of them. So is Step 5, when we share that inventory with another person. Step 9, in which we actually reach out to those we have harmed, ask for their forgiveness and make amends to them is so daunting that people often get “stuck” in step 8, afraid to move on.

The paradox is that each of these steps, once taken, produces feelings of growth, love, acceptance and peace far stronger than the fear felt while contemplating the step. As we work the steps, however, hearing that these feelings are waiting for us on the other side of the work doesn’t always motivate us sufficiently to face the fear.

Fear is one of the main reasons we don’t progress in the steps and that we get stuck in our addictions. Fear is, for many, the main reason we indulge in our addictions in the first place!

The scriptures clearly tell us that fear does not come from the Lord. In 2 Timothy 1:7 we find, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” If God does not give us the spirit of fear, then who does?  Satan. And we willingly accept this gift from our Adversary, and embrace it. As a “natural man” (or woman) we are susceptible to fear.

What does this scripture tell us that the Lord gives us instead of fear? He gives us the spirit of power—the power of the Lord, the power of the Atonement—to use to do His will. We are given the spirit of love, which is the power by which the universe was created. And finally, we are given the spirit of a sound mind: peace, calmness and serenity.

For some reason we are much more hesitant to receive the gifts of power, love and a sound mind from the Lord than we are to receive the gift of fear from the Adversary. (See my post on Receiving Gifts.)

What do we need to do to be able to receive these good gifts? We must put off the “natural man” and become a “saint”—a child of God.

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Moroni 3:19)

Make a decision to put aside fear—to refuse to accept that gift from Satan—and to trust the Lord and receive His gifts. Plunge ahead in your program with the help of your sponsor and other support people. You can do this. The Steps will work for you. You do not need to walk in fear. You are a son or daughter of God, designed and created by Him. He will help you achieve the recovery you deserve so that you can become a more useful and valiant servant as you mend the fences you have broken, and share the gift of recovery with those around you.

  • What fears are preventing you from making progress in the steps or anything else?
  • What do you believe is the source of your fear?
  • Are you willing to set aside your fear and trust the Lord to lead you forward?
  • What action are you willing to take today to move forward, walking in faith rather than fear?

 

Steps 1, 2, and 3: I Can’t, He Can, I’ll Let Him

Working the Program, , ,

Image of first three steps: 1. I can't. 2. He can. 3. I'll let Him. There is a short-hand way of describing the first three Steps of the 12-Step Recovery process: “I can’t, He can, I’ll let Him.” The “He,” for me, is the Lord.

Step 1: I Can’t

Step 1 is about admitting my powerlessness. I did everything I knew how to do to improve my situation, and it got me to where I am right now. Goodness knows I tried. I tried various diets and exercise programs hoping to lose weight. I tried dozens of self-help books to overcome my shortcomings. I tried three different therapists. None of those things brought a long term solution. By the time I started working the 12 Steps I was pretty much at the end of the line. If the 12 Steps didn’t work, I had nowhere else to turn.

Step 2: He Can

Step 2 is about acknowledging that the Lord can do for me what I cannot do for myself. He can fix problems that I cannot imagine the solution for. He is omnipotent. It is arrogant and prideful to think that I am so broken that I am beyond the help of the Lord. No one is too broken for Christ to fix. He cares about each and every one of us individually and wants to be our personal Savior.

Step 3: I’ll Let Him

Step 3 is about making a decision to trust the Lord and turn my life over to Him. He has promised that he would be right by my side and would help me do anything that is in harmony with His will, and I know that overcoming my addiction and letting go of my shortcomings and character defects fits that description.

He will not do for me what I can do for myself. And He will only do what I am willing to let Him do. He will not violate my agency. I do not have to understand what the solution is, nor do I have to tell Him what to do or when to do it. He is smarter than I am. I need to trust that His solution will be what is best for me. I need to turn the matter over to Him, pray for guidance on what footwork He wants me to do, and do the footwork He gives me to do. I also need to wait on His timing; patiently, if possible.

Progress

The 12 Steps did and do work for me. I have experienced His love personally. I have received a new heart. I now walk in faith and not fear. I trust that His solution will be best for me. I have long term recovery, both from compulsive eating and from many of the shortcomings and character defects that kept my life in turmoil. Someday, in the Lord’s time, I hope to be delivered from all of them. I have comfortable relationships with my loved ones. When I mess up, I follow the steps and personal revelation to make amends quickly. I love living in a state of recovery. It is a good state to live in.

  • What are your addictions, shortcomings and character defects? Are you willing to admit that you are powerless over all of them?
  • Do you believe that the Lord is capable of removing your shortcomings and restoring you to complete spiritual health? Why or why not?
  • How do you feel about turning your will and your life over to Him? Are you willing to ask and allow Him to be in charge of your life?
  • Are you willing to seek inspiration on the footwork you need to do and act upon the revelation you receive?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

 

Living Fully in the Present

Working the Program, , , ,

“…the Present is the point at which time touches eternity”

– C. S. Lewis

Present - laying eternal bricks one day at a time.As we humans live in “Time” we must choose whether to focus our attention on the Past, the Present, or the Future. As addicts or codependents it comes naturally to us to prefer to dwell in the Past, consumed by anger and resentment over real or perceived victimization or wishing things could be the way they used to be. We are also comfortable living in the Future, obsessed with either our fears of what will go wrong or our wildly optimistic certainty that our lives will be better as soon as —fill in the blank—.

The Present, “the point at which time touches eternity,” as C. S. Lewis describes it in The Screwtape Letters, is the only time in which we can actually take action to improve upon the past, and ensure a better future. The Present is the time to build our eternal mansions, one brick at a time. Recovering addicts all over the world rely on the slogan “one day at a time” to remind us of how we need to live to build that mansion.

In chapter 15 of The Screwtape Letters, Lewis gives a masterful description of why the adversary wants to keep us focused on either the past or, preferably, the future. He says, “nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead.”

When I was actively engaged in compulsive eating, I spent time thinking about and relishing memories of past food experiences and obsessing about what I would eat next and when. All the while, I mindlessly ate whatever was close at hand regardless of whether I was hungry or in need of nutrition, or else I deliberately overate food that I knew was not healthy or good for me in order to try to satisfy a craving of the heart. Eating was preferable to feeling my feelings and facing the reality of my life.

As Lewis goes on to say,  “[God] wants men to think of the Future too – just so much as is necessary for now planning the acts of justice or charity which will probably be their duty tomorrow…He does not want men to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it…His ideal is a man who, having worked all day for the good of posterity … washes his mind of the whole subject, commits the issue to Heaven, and returns at once to the patience or gratitude demanded by the moment that is passing over him.”

In other words, Heavenly Father wants us to do the footwork He gives us to do, and turn over the results to Him; living fully in each moment, contributing all that we can to the world, patiently waiting upon His timing, and living in a state of gratitude for our blessings.

  • Which time do you inhabit most: Past, Present or Future? Why?
  • Are you living each moment being fully “present” in the Present? If not, why not?
  • What change in the way that you think or act can you make to live “one day at a time?”
  • When will you start?

 

One Day At A Time Management

Working the Program, , , ,
Picture of a desk with paper piled all over.
My desk before “One Day at a Time” management.

In early November 2014 I shared my journey of learning to aim for progress, and not perfection. I posted a picture of my desk. In the post I wrote about how eating and clutter are areas of my life I have not managed well without a spiritual approach. I identified lessons I had learned about overcoming perfectionism with regard to food and promised to update you on how I did going forward on applying those lessons to my paper clutter problem.

Here is a quote from that post:

So what can I learn from my success with eating in a healthy way (overcoming perfectionism) that might apply to my problem with paper clutter?

  1. I need a spiritual solution to this problem, not an exclusively temporal one.
  2. I need to turn to the Lord for His help in developing a plan that is flexible (as appropriate) but effective, not about perfection, but about nurturing myself; creating a wholesome environment in which I can thrive.
  3. I need to do the footwork he gives me to do, one day at a time.
  4. I need to let go of all or nothing thinking, and be satisfied with “progress, not perfection” (a 12-Step slogan).
  5. If I fall off the wagon I need to get back on as quickly as possible.
  6. I need to recognize discouragement as a tool Satan uses to keep me from growth and recovery.
  7. I need to commit to never giving up.

I pondered and prayed about what to do differently than I have ever done before. It is crazy to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect the results to change! I knew that the first thing I had to do was sort and file and pitch and get the work surface cleaned off. I couldn’t even think with that mess. I had no place to work. But I still didn’t know how to prevent the piles from coming back, as they always have in the past.

Even though I didn’t have the whole plan, I began working on the footwork the Lord had given me to do – get the work surfaces cleared. It was very hard for me, because I hate doing it so much. I prayed for the power the Lord promises to give us when we walk in faith (see Moroni 7:33). I made some progress, and then during winter break, my wonderful husband gave me a gift of time – his most precious commodity. He gave me a whole day to keep me company and help me get it done.

One Day At A Time

Having done that footwork, the Lord gave me a plan for keeping it clear. I found it interesting that the plan did not come to me until I completed the footwork the Lord had already given me. I did not get to see the end from the beginning. I received the direction I needed one day at a time. Also significant – it was a plan that I had never tried before.

If you follow this blog you know that I write my morning prayers. This is an excerpt of what the Lord told me on New Year’s Eve:

“You have made a lot of progress on your desk area this week. I am pleased and proud. One small change in your dailies will keep it that way. Don’t go to bed with stuff out on your desk. Just the same as the kitchen: after dinner you need to clear your desk. You can have a drawer you use to keep open project work in if you need a place to put it. It could be one of your desk drawers, or the shallow drawer in the credenza. But don’t leave anything out on the work surfaces. You have plenty of file drawers. You know how to use them… Do some filing every day and you will make progress. The big thing is daily incoming mail. If you process it every day you will not get behind again.

“I love you. You can do this. I will help you. Fear nothing. All will be well. Go in peace. Amen.”

Image of my desk and work surface - clear and without clutter - kept that way one day at a time.
My desk maintained “One Day at a Time.”

As you can see from the current picture of my desk, it has stayed clear for three weeks.What is most important is that it feels different this time. Perhaps it is that for the first time I have a real plan – a doable plan – a plan that is flexible and simple. I like having my work surfaces clear. It makes me happy. It brings me peace.

I still need to sort/file/pitch boxes of old papers. I know that I can work on it one day at a time. But for now, I am satisfied with keeping my work surfaces clear and processing the mail when it comes in. I am grateful for the Lord’s help on this. I look forward to receiving further guidance and direction from Him. I pray for the willingness to carry it out, one day at a time.

Come to think of it, I think I am Changing Channels in this area of my life. Finally. Woohoo!

  • What recurring problem in your life has not responded to all your efforts to find a solution?
  • Are you willing to try a spiritual solution?
  • Are you willing to apply the seven lessons listed above to your problem?
  • Are you willing to take it one day at a time?
  • What action are you willing to take today?

 

My 5 Priorities for Living in Recovery

Working the Program, ,

Covey Time Management Grid for establishing priorities. Sometimes there is so much on my task list that I feel like I will never get caught up. I don’t have all the answers, but I have learned this: there are some things that will always be priorities in my life and other things that will come and go, depending on what season of life I am in.

Stephen Covey developed a 4-box grid to evaluate the importance and urgency of our various activities and assess whether we are spending our time in the most effective way. Determining the true importance of what I am trying to accomplish gives me perspective and helps me to set reasonable expectations of myself. My “fixed” priorities are “Quadrant II” activities: important but not urgent. That makes them easy to put off – with unhappy consequences.

My Relationship with God

Maintaining a close and meaningful relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is a top priority for me.  If I sacrifice those relationships because I am “too busy” (with urgent things that may not be very important) I have less power and less ability to meet all the other demands of my life.

Personal Recovery and Walking in Faith

As a recovering addict, I cannot let my abstinence and working my program become low priorities.  I have to focus on them every day and always be listening for the promptings of the Spirit.  I need to do the footwork the Lord assigns to me in order to stay sane and sober and to be able to do my best in the other important areas of my life.

Marriage and Family

Marriage and family are always high priorities for me, although what that looks like has changed over the years. I make sure that my husband and I spend quality time together, talk to one another about meaningful things, and speak one another’s love language. I try to stay in touch with my adult children and see/video chat with my grandchildren regularly. When I remarried four years ago I had been an empty-nester for 7 years. My new husband had 5 children, including one in elementary school and one teenager. I put thought and effort into building and maintaining relationships with my new children and grandchildren, both those at home and those who are grown.

Church Callings

Magnifying my Church callings in a spirit of love and service is a priority for me.  The Lord would not have called me unless he was prepared to give me the power and the time to do the work required. (See Moroni 7:33.) This may include unofficial callings, like family history work, as you feel prompted by the Spirit.

Work and Resource Management

Working to support my family, and/or being a good steward over our family resources needs to be a priority. If I am not a good steward over the temporal resources the Lord provides, I cannot expect others to “cover the slack” for me.  This was not always an area of strength in my life, and my husband and I are working very hard to manage our resources wisely.

The Seasons – or – Other Priorities

What about other things? What about travel, hobbies, entertainment, reading, service, friends, and video games? Don’t I get any down time?

Well, how much downtime you get depends on the season of your life. And a lot of those things can be worked into one of the 5 main priorities I have listed above. For example, you may need a getaway, just to nurture your marriage! If I am on top of these 5 things and I still have free time, great! I can do what I want with that time. However, if the important stuff is falling apart – I don’t have time to play.

For example, when I have been actively raising children, and especially while I was also working, I did not have time to do much on the “optional” list. It was my season to focus on the basic 5.  Working my program was critical for me at that time because it helped me to be a better parent and raise healthier children.  If you don’t put enough time into raising young children they can turn into teenagers who do unwise things to get your attention! I have a responsibility to the Lord and as an example to my children to magnify my callings.  I taught my children to love the Lord and serve others by my example, and as I felt prompted to do so I included them whenever possible. And I am teaching my children how to have an eternal family by working on my marriage. Let children observe these things so that they will know what to do when they enter that season themselves.

There will be other seasons of life to develop additional talents and explore other options when parenting isn’t so time consuming. Aren’t you glad you have something to look forward to when you are no longer raising children or working?

I have a vague memory of a Relief Society lesson from many years ago in which former General Relief Society President Barbara Winder was quoted saying that women would comment to her,  in awe,  about all she had done and accomplished, expressing doubt that they would ever be able to approach her accomplishments. “Yes,” she would say, “I have accomplished all those things, but not all at the same time.”

  • Look at how you actually spend your time now.  What does this analysis tell you about how you prioritize your time right now?
  • Are these the priorities you think the Lord wants you to have? If not, what needs to change?
  • Do you trust the Lord to give you the power to do the things He wants you to do?
  • What are you willing to change about your life to bring your time usage into harmony with the priorities you want to have? Ask the Lord to help you to make these changes.

Grateful for My Addiction! Are You Kidding Me?

Working the Program

Picture of a man laying a block wall with the words: "The Church teaches me WHAT, the 12-Steps teach me HOWI have observed the incredulous look on the face of a newcomer who hears someone express, in a 12-Step meeting, that they are grateful for their addiction. I have also heard the same person, no longer a newcomer, share the feelings they had at that first meeting, and the gratitude they now felt for the path that brought them to the Lord, through the program.

I was a member of the Church for fifteen years before I attended my first 12-Step meeting.  I had learned about the Lord.  I had learned about the Atonement.  I understood what my spiritual goal was: to return to live in the Celestial Kingdom with my Heavenly Parents and the Lord in a state of exaltation. But I really did not understand how to get there.  I was so imperfect. I knew it had something to do with the Atonement, but I didn’t know how to access that power.

When I began working a 12-Step program I began to progress spiritually.  I found a new understanding of what it meant to walk in faith and how to obtain it by working Steps 1, 2 and 3. I was able to really begin the repentance process and apply the power of the Atonement by working Steps 4 through 10. I learned how to receive personal revelation and connect with the Holy Ghost in Step 11.  Finally, I learned about enduring to the end, service, and missionary work in Step 12.

The Church taught me “What.” The 12-Steps taught me “How.” How can I not be grateful for the addiction that brought me to the Steps?

Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained why we should be grateful for our trials in his April 2003 General Conference address, “Give Thanks in All Things.”

When we give thanks in all things, we see hardships and adversities in the context of the purpose of life. We are sent here to be tested. There must be opposition in all things. We are meant to learn and grow through that opposition, through meeting our challenges, and through teaching others to do the same… When we understand this principle, that God offers us opportunities for blessings and blesses us through our own adversities and the adversities of others, we can understand why He has commanded us again and again to “thank the Lord thy God in all things” (D&C 59:7).

  •  Are you grateful for your trials/addictions?
  • If yes
    • Write about your gratitude for the adversities that caused you to turn to the Lord.
    • What difference has this made in your relationship with Him?
  • If not, are you willing to become grateful?
    • What footwork do you think the Lord would like you to do to help you feel gratitude for those things?
    • Write about the relationship you would like to have with the Lord and how becoming grateful for your adversities might help that relationship develop.

 

Problem Solving Flowchart

Working the Program, , , , , , ,

Flowchart for problem solving based on whether I have control over the problem.

What goes on in your mind when something “goes wrong?” I started thinking about this not too long ago. Some people obsess about why it happened. I don’t. So what do I do?

Is It Something I Can Control?

I go through a kind of flowchart in my mind in these situations. It actually happens pretty quickly most of the time. The first thing I ask myself is, “Is this something I can control?” This is a key question because if it is not something I can control, no amount of anguish, effort or frustration is going to change anything.

If the Problem or Situation is Not Under My Control

If the problem is something that I cannot control I quickly do Steps 1, 2, and 3:

  • Step 1: Admit that I am powerless over the matter.
  • Step 2: Acknowledge that God can handle it.
  • Step 3: Make a decision to turn it over to Him and trust His timing.

I have written several other posts on how to let go and trust God. For example, “Learning to Let Go.” Once I have turned it over, I need to be willing to trust His timing. If I find myself obsessing about the matter again, it is probably related to His timing more than anything else.  I want the problem solved immediately.  He has a perfect sense of when the necessary lessons have been learned and will resolve these things in His own way and time. I need to remember that I turned it over and decide to let it go once more. ( See more on the “God Box” ).

If It is Something I Can Control

Sometimes a problem is something I could do something about, but should not. It might be outside of my area of stewardship – in other words, none of my business. Or it might be better for the other people involved if I let them figure out a solution for themselves. Even if it is my problem to solve, it is often the case that the immediate and obvious answer that pops into my head is not the best one. I have found that praying for guidance is always worth the time.

Praying for Guidance

“Lord, what wilt thou have me do?” This is the humble prayer the Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing says to use in Step 7 on page 42.  I usually write this type of prayer (see more here), and list out the options that I can think of, describing the pros and cons, trying to think ahead to what the outcomes (including possible unintended consequences) might be. I believe this is in harmony with the Lord’s direction to Oliver Cowdery in the 9th Section of the Doctrine & Covenants.

Doing the Footwork

Sometimes the footwork is to watch and wait and continue to pray. Other times it requires more action. If I need to take action I want to feel comfortable that the action I am going to take has the approval of the Lord.  And sometimes I need to have the courage to take the action the Lord gives me to do. I may feel fear. When this happens I try to remember two of my favorite scriptures:

  • “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.” (Moroni 7:33)
  • “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

Trust in the Lord’s Timing

In the end, whether it turns out to be something I have no control over or something I need to act upon, it all comes down to trusting the Lord and His timing.

  • Is there something going on in your life right now that should be put through this process?
  • Are you willing to let go of it and turn it over if it is something that is not in your area of stewardship, or if the Lord tells you just to be patient right now?
  • Are you willing to ask the Lord, with an open mind and heart, if there is any footwork that you need to do?
  • Are you willing to do the footwork He has given you?
  • How do you feel about accepting His timing in the resolution of this matter?

 

Lack of Self-Discipline or Perfectionism?

Working the Program, , , , ,

Picture of desk piled with papers.I have had certain shortcomings my entire life. One of them has been clutter. I remember my room as a child. You couldn’t even see the floor. It wasn’t that I didn’t have enough storage space to put things. I just didn’t do it. It was a major source of contention between me and my parents.

As an adult I thought for many years that the problem was self-discipline. If only I could develop and maintain a system for managing the paper, I would be able to solve the problem once and for all. I repeatedly cleaned up the mess only to have it accumulate again. I began to buy, (collect) books on the subject of organization. I set up filing systems. I just did not have the self-discipline to maintain them. That was the problem, I thought.

I had the same problem with food. If only I could learn to control the way I ate and exert some self-discipline I could get off the diet roller coaster. I would control for a while, on a diet, but then find an excuse to eat for comfort or pleasure. I would get discouraged, give up, and my weight would start climbing again, until I felt badly enough about my weight to start the cycle over.

The Problem is Not Lack of Self-Discipline

Somewhere along the line someone pointed out to me the many areas of my life where I had plenty of self-discipline. I was confused. If I wasn’t short on self-discipline, why could I not maintain a clutter-free environment or a normal weight?

I have come to understand that my problem is not self-discipline; it is perfectionism. If I couldn’t do it perfectly (whatever “it” was), I became discouraged and gave up.

If I couldn’t figure out the perfect filing system, one that enabled me to store everything out of sight, find it again easily when needed, and not forget about anything that needed to be taken care of, I wouldn’t file at all. Perfectionism. I wouldn’t throw much away because, after all, I might need it again. So I ended up with filing systems too complicated to maintain or that did not meet my requirements, or else no system at all, and things would start accumulating. Again. When I saw the piles begin to grow, I became discouraged – again – and just gave up.

If I couldn’t maintain my diet perfectly, losing as much weight as quickly as I wanted to and denying myself anything that wasn’t on the diet, I would become discouraged, and give up. Perfectionism.

Do you see a pattern here? For some reason, in certain areas of my life, I naturally see only perfection or failure. There is nothing in between. When I can’t be perfect I become discouraged. And quit trying.

A Spiritual Solution

As a compulsive eater in recovery I have learned that diets don’t work for me. What I need is a plan of eating that I can live with day in and day out. Something that works for me and is sufficiently flexible for me to be able to adjust to the circumstances of my life. I need a plan that is not about losing weight, but about nurturing myself. I decided to turn my weight over to the Lord. He helped me develop a food plan that worked for me. It went through several iterations, and is still subject to revision as needed. My footwork is to use the plan to decide what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat, one day at a time. His job is to help me maintain a normal weight. And if I eat something I should not have, I no longer see it as a reason to throw the whole food plan out.  I just start eating abstinently again from that moment. I have put an end to the all or nothing thinking, the cycle of perfectionism and discouragement that kept me in bondage to compulsive eating.

(Some people do have trigger foods which need to be treated like allergies; they simply cannot have that food or they will be set off onto a binge. When the Lord helps them develop a food plan, it will not contain those foods.)

So what can I learn from my success with eating in a healthy way (overcoming perfectionism) that might apply to my problem with paper clutter?

  1. I need a spiritual solution to this problem, not an exclusively temporal one.
  2. I need to turn to the Lord for His help in developing a plan that is flexible (as appropriate) but effective, not about perfection, but about nurturing myself; creating a wholesome environment in which I can thrive.
  3. I need to do the footwork he gives me to do, one day at a time.
  4. I need to let go of all or nothing thinking, and be satisfied with “progress, not perfection” (a 12-Step slogan).
  5. If I fall off the wagon I need to get back on as quickly as possible.
  6. I need to recognize discouragement as a tool Satan uses to keep me from growth and recovery.
  7. I need to commit to never giving up.

I will keep you posted on my progress.

  • What recurring problem in your life has not responded to all your efforts to find a solution?
  • Are you willing to try a spiritual solution?
  • When will you start?

Please share your thoughts about this post by commenting below.

Related Posts: Fear: the Enemy of Progress and Recovery, Christ is the Power Source, Problem Solving Flowchart

 

Slogans for Living – Part 1

Working the Program, , ,

In 12-Step meetings you will hear a lot of slogans. They encapsulate basic truths about life, and how to live it sanely and abstinently. They are easy to remember, and good to apply in moments of stress. Here are a few of my favorites. I think you will find them useful whether you are working a 12-Step program or not.

“What others think of me is none of my business.”

When I stop worrying about what others think of me and just go about my own business, doing the best I can in each moment, I am less stressed, and I stop wasting precious time and energy obsessing about something I cannot control. Most of the time I don’t really know what others think of me anyway, and they probably think about me way less than I think they do!

“Take what you like and leave the rest.”

When I talk to people about my own experience, and how it might be applicable to their situation, I try not to give unsolicited advice.  I am not perfect at this yet, but I am getting better. However, I am pretty consistent at telling them to “take what you like and leave the rest.” Just because someone listens to me talk about my own experience – even if they actually have asked me for advice – does not mean that it applies to their situation. I cannot possibly know what they really need to do in their situation. But if they hear anything at all in my experience that strikes a chord and feels like something they want to try – great. And if not, that is fine, too; which brings us to the next slogan.

“It is what it is.”

Having specific expectations of anything is a great way of being disappointed and frustrated. It leads to resentments and relationship trouble. Accepting people and circumstances as they are, seeking guidance on the healthiest and most productive way to deal with them, and leaving the results up to God are great contributing factors to living in a state of serenity. To see this slogan in action read my post Peace: It Is What It Is.

“Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want.”

When we pray we put into words the (hopefully righteous) desires of our hearts. In the scriptures we are taught that our thoughts affect who we are. (see Proverbs 23:7). The more we think about something, the more we call it into our lives. Worrying about something does not make it go away or fix it. Worry is a form of obsession. If you know you need to stop worrying about something, try putting it in your God Box, which I describe in two other posts: Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 4 and Learning to Let Go.

  • Would it help you to internalize and apply any of these slogans?
  • Which slogan(s) seem most applicable to you?
  • What can you do to learn it and make use of it in your daily life?

 

Digging Deep: the Step-work Sandwich

Working the Program, ,

There may be as many ways of working the steps as there are people who work them. When someone finishes Step 12, they may work the maintenance Steps (10, 11 and 12) for a while or start over with Step 1. They may work the Steps quickly or slowly. They may choose a particular issue to work on as they start over, or may just go down deeper on the same issues.

In this post I am sharing an in-depth approach to working the Steps that relies heavily on the tool of writing. It may take days or weeks to get through a Step this way, and months to get through them all. If this feels overwhelming to you at this point in your program, it might be best for you to save this approach for later. It makes me dig deep and learn more about myself and about living in a sane and abstinent way. It is most effective if you have a sponsor and report your progress, discussing any insights you receive as you work through the steps.

Materials List

(see Resources page to find out where and how to obtain these materials)

  • He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, Colleen Harrison
  • Optional: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (if you are working on food related issues) or Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Al Anon (if you are working on codependence) or any other twelve step manual that is relevant to your addiction or issue
  • Optional: Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (no matter what your issue is)
  • The ARP manual, A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing

Step-work Sandwich Overview

Think of this method of working each step as assembling a sandwich (see diagram below). The “preparation” questions at the end of the previous step in He Did Deliver Me from Bondage (“HDDM” in diagram) are one of the slices of bread. The questions at the end of the same step in A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing (the ARP manual) are the other slice of bread. The lettuce leaf just inside the first piece of bread is the step (“principle”) in He Did Deliver Me from Bondage. The lettuce leaf just inside the other piece of bread is the step in the ARP manual. Between the lettuce leaves are your choice of optional materials, listed above, to help nourish and nurture your emotional, physical and spiritual healing and growth. Each of these optional materials brings something unique to your understanding and application of the Steps. The book that specifically addresses your addiction helps you identify with how the Steps have been worked by others with your addiction. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (“AA 12 & 12” in diagram) is a very powerfully written book that does not pull any punches in its description of the nature of addiction and the importance of overcoming it. If you leave out the optional materials you will still be fed, but not as thoroughly and you may miss some “nutrients” that you really need. Nevertheless, you could certainly work the Steps this way – just skip items 3 and/or 4 in the “Working the Steps” section below.

Image of layers of a sandwich labeled with a method for working each step. The method is described in following paragraph.

Preface and Introduction

  1. Start by reading and highlighting the Prefaces and Introduction in He Did Deliver Me from Bondage. Do not answer the questions at the end of the Introduction at this point.
  2. Make notes in the margins or in a notebook when you have thoughts about how the text applies to your life.
  3. Read, highlight and annotate the Preface and Introduction in the remaining books on the materials list, in order.

Working the Steps

  1. Begin each new step by answering the “preparation” questions which are located at the end of the previous step (or at the end of the Introduction in the case of Step 1) in He Did Deliver Me from Bondage.
  2. Read the step in He Did Deliver Me from Bondage and “capture” it as you go (as described on page A-3 of that book). Share what you have written with your sponsor or someone else who is working the Steps.
  3. Read the step (capturing as you go) in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Al Anon (if you are working on codependence) OR in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (if you are working on an eating disorder or food addiction) or any other 12 Step book that you find sheds light on your particular addiction.
  4. Read the step (capturing as you go) in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.
  5. Read the step (capturing as you go) in the ARP manual, A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, and answer the questions at the end of the step.
  6. Do any footwork required by the step (e.g. make a written inventory when you are working Step 4, pray for those you are trying to forgive in Step 8, make direct amends wherever appropriate in Step 9, etc. There is some kind of footwork required by each step.)
  7. Do a quick review of all the writing you have done for this step. Keep your mind open to promptings about any footwork you might still need to do before being ready to move to the next step.
  8. Pray and ask the Lord if you have completed the step and are ready to move on to the next step.
  9. When you receive a confirmation that you are ready to move on to the next step, start with the first instruction in this section, for the step following the one you have just completed.

If you do not receive a confirmation that you have completed the step, return to the step you have been working on, or even the previous step if necessary, praying for direction on how to proceed. Allow your sponsor to help you identify stumbling blocks and find solutions.

  • Do you have a way of working the program that is getting you the results you want?
  • If not, are you willing to try a different approach?
  • What are you willing to do to improve the quality of your program, if necessary?

Persistence – Doing the Footwork

Working the Program, , , ,

Quote from Calvin Coolidge: “Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”Step 7 asks us to humbly petition the Lord to remove our shortcomings. When I first worked through the steps, I had the naive and wildly optimistic hope that, having become willing to allow God to remove all of my character weaknesses in Step 6, when I asked him to remove them in Step 7, they would all magically disappear with a wave of his omnipotent hand. I was sadly disappointed.

I came to understand as I continued to work the steps, that it was a joint effort; there would be footwork for me to do.  It was no longer my job to stubbornly try to remove my shortcomings myself through sheer willpower. That much I understood. My new job was to seek humbly and prayerfully for the guidance of the Lord regarding the footwork that I needed to do, and do it.

This quote from U.S. President Calvin Coolidge about persistence filled me with hope then, and still does today.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

I would add one thing to President Coolidge’s thought: we must be pressing on in response to divine guidance.

The adversary does not want us to be persistent, especially not in applying the Atonement in our lives.  He wants us to give up.  When he can frustrate us enough to make us quit, he is delighted. But he will also accept good intentions delayed indefinitely. I once heard someone say that the Devil doesn’t need to talk a man out of doing something good; all he needs to do is convince him to put it off until tomorrow.

Prayerfully seek guidance on what footwork you need to do to enable the Lord to remove your weaknesses and shortcomings. Ask your sponsor for feedback from personal experience and observation of you. Write about it. Then do the footwork with persistence. Don’t let the adversary discourage you. You will not do it perfectly. It’s okay. Just Don’t Quit! 

  • What weaknesses and shortcomings are you trying to release?
  • What footwork has the Lord given you to do?
  • Are you doing the footwork with persistence or do you stop and start?
  • What are you willing to do to improve in your efforts?

 

Help: Encircled about in the Arms of His Love

Metaphor, Working the Program, , ,

Sometimes, when I feel discouraged and am trying my best to make important changes in my life, I can lose sight of the startling and critical fact that I am not alone.  The Lord is always with me, arms around me, walking my path with me, sustaining and supporting me, carrying me when necessary.  The scriptures abound with confirmation of this.

Isaiah 41:10,13 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness…For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”

When I first became aware of this scripture, I pondered how the Lord could hold my right hand. He must be right next to me! Holy cow!  I am standing here, looking at this same incredible mountain that I have to climb, but now He is standing next to me, holding my right hand.  He can do anything!  If He is holding my right hand, together we can do anything!

I began wearing bangle bracelets on my right wrist to remind me always that he is holding my hand.  I still wear them.

Eventually I came across a slightly different picture described in the scriptures. The Lord could still be holding my right hand, but he is also on my left! I am “encircled about in the arms of His love!”  I love that image!

D&C84:88 “…I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

2 Nephi 1:15  “… I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.”

Doctrine and Covenants 6:20 “…Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.“

Mom helping toddler girl write name on pictureBut what would that look like in my life, I wondered.  A picture came into my mind of me holding a small child.  We are sitting at a table. The child has just drawn a picture – mostly just lines on the page: joyous, exuberant scribbles. Now she wants me to help her write her name.  I don’t do it for her. I hold her gently on my lap, my right hand over hers as she holds the crayon. Together we slowly and carefully write her name on her picture.  She is so proud!  And then, done with my help, she hops off my lap and is on to other things. Perhaps that is how Christ has me encircled in the arms of His love. When I am willing to come to Him for help, he gently cradles me, lovingly reaches around me and guides me to be able to do all things that he would like me to do.

 Moroni 7:33 “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”

There is nothing too small to ask for His help with.  Am I having trouble getting to bed early or getting to sleep or getting up early or reading my scriptures or getting to work on time or finding a job or magnifying my calling or dealing with stress or changing my behavior or being kind to my family or giving up my addiction?  Those things are all “expedient in [Him].” I pray for the desire and the willingness to walk the Lord’s path for me always; to come to Him for His help whenever I need it; to be grateful for his power, strength, gifts, talents, and abilities; to always remember that I am encircled about in the arms of His love, and that he is right next to me. I am never alone.

  • Can you image the Lord being right next to you, holding your hand?
  • How would that change your life?
  • What might you be able to do with His guidance that you are having trouble doing now?
  • Are you willing to turn to Him for His help?

 

Forgiveness – the Essence of Step 8

Working the Program, , , ,
Forgive others and reward yourself with peace.
(Found on Lisa Raye’s Facebook Page.)

Forgiveness is the central principal discussed in Step 8 of the 12 Steps.  All things are created spiritually before they are created physically. (See Moses 3:5–7; Genesis 2:4–5.) Step 8 is the spiritual creation of the reconciliation and restitution that will actually happen in Step 9. In order for me to accomplish this spiritual creation, I need to become intimately acquainted with forgiveness.

Step 8 asks me to consider two different aspects of forgiveness: asking others to forgive me, and forgiving those who have hurt me.  In either case, sometimes the other person isn’t even aware that they need my forgiveness or that I need theirs.  It is interesting to me to ponder how easily people give and take offense in this world, sometimes without even being aware of it. Sometimes people hold resentment in their hearts for years, sapping them of joy and preventing them from living in a state of peace.

Forgiving Others

When I hold resentment in my heart, I am the one who suffers.  I have heard it said that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It tears me up inside, consumes my spiritual and emotional energy, and blocks me from feeling the Spirit. Some people think that we should only forgive someone if they apologize.  If the offender doesn’t apologize they don’t deserve my forgiveness, they reason. We don’t forgive others because they deserve it. We forgive others because we deserve it! (shared at church recently by Deron Brent Horne). I hate living in a state of resentment!  I owe it to myself to let go of those feelings and let them float out of my life like helium-filled balloons.  I do it for myself, as a way of taking care of myself.  I do it to get my life back, and my laugh back. How, you ask? Here are two methods that help me.

Tell Myself Another Story

When someone does something that makes me angry I learned from Kimberly Schneider to tell myself a different story. I ask myself this question: “Under what circumstance could this person’s actions have made sense?”  Then I make up a story, which I know is probably not true, but makes me feel better and more able to blow off the perceived offense.  Did someone cut me off in traffic?  They might be worried about something that is going on at home, and I might have been in their blind spot.  Did someone fail to deliver on a promise? Perhaps they got a bad night’s sleep or a call from someone with bad news or they were just having a senior moment. The story doesn’t matter!  Just thinking about the incident in this way helps me to let go of it.

Detach with Love

I learned in Al Anon years ago about how to “detach with love.” It is a principle that enables me to not take offense, and to let go of resentment toward someone close to me who says or does something that hurts me.  Rather than obsessing about what happened or what was said, I separate myself from the offense without separating myself from the person.  For me it works like this. I have an imaginary bubble that I can deploy at a moment’s notice. It surrounds me and a little bit of personal space.  The person on the outside of the bubble may be lashing out at me, hurling hurtful words in my direction, and my bubble allows the message in without the hurt.  If there is any truth in the message that I need to consider and respond to, I can do so, without getting caught up in the delivery method. The negative aspects stay on the outside of the bubble, with the person they come from. I can still love them, but I don’t have to allow their words to hurt me.

Asking for Forgiveness

When I make a list of people who have hurt me and forgive them, as Step 8 asks me to do, I am having a very personal and meaningful experience with forgiveness.  What better way to prepare myself to ask others for their forgiveness?! If I have done things that were harmful towards someone else, who might be hurting inside because of my actions, even if I make amends, or restitution, it might be very difficult for them to forgive me.  When I, myself, have recently gone through the process of forgiving others, I am in a better position to understand how difficult it may be for someone to forgive me, even if they are willing to do it. In Step 8 I am not actually asking anyone for forgiveness; I am becoming willing to make amends and to be reconciled to those I have hurt.  I won’t actually figure out exactly how I will approach the other person until Step 9, and I certainly will not be actually making the amends or making restitution until I get to Step 9.  But until I truly become willing to do it, and let the Lord heal my heart, I will never be ready to do it, and will live with broken relationships indefinitely.

  • What resentments are you holding in your heart?
  • What are you willing to do to let go of them so that you can progress?
  • Are you willing to do whatever it takes to be reconciled to those you have hurt? If not, what can you do to help you become willing?

 

Acceptance: Identifying the Things I Cannot Change

Working the Program,

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.The Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1930’s or 40’s begins with 3 lines that are well known to people with and without 12-Step experience.

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

I have been pondering how to distinguish the things I can change from those that I cannot change. Niebuhr says that wisdom will help us to know the difference, and I certainly pray for wisdom. But other than receiving direct personal revelation about specific things in my life, I would like to have some guidelines for this sorting process.

I know that I can only change myself; trying to change someone else is clearly unwise and usually backfires. In the case of my aging parents, I can try to be sure they get the care that they need, and show them my love in every way I know how, but I cannot control the outcome. I have no control over their illnesses and infirmities. I cannot add one day to their lives nor can I spare them the confusion and frustration they sometimes experience.

But what about children? There the boundaries are not so clear. When they were very small, of course, I controlled everything about their lives, but even then, even my best efforts to comfort and console them and meet their physical needs did not always stop their tears.

The boundaries get more blurry as they get older. For a while I could “make them” do what I wanted (which might not have been such a great idea even then) but eventually my ability to do that disappeared. If a teenager decides that they are simply not going to do something (or are going to do something ill-advised), regardless of the consequences, there is not much a parent can do.

But don’t I have a responsibility to teach this teenager life skills? To keep them safe? To make sure that they develop the good habits that will serve them well as adults? To ensure that they don’t make the same mistakes I did, so they won’t suffer the same consequences I had to suffer?

Sadly, I must admit to myself that once I have made my best effort to give them the information they need, and teach them how to do the things they need to do, my part is done. If I demand that they comply (thereby taking away their agency) I risk ruining the relationship and pushing them to rebel. If they choose to ignore what I have taught and showed them, they will have to live with the consequences, both current and future. My acceptance of my limitations regarding the things I cannot change brings me peace and serenity.  Trying to control what I cannot change brings frustration, heartbreak and chaos.

Most importantly, I need to model healthy, mature behavior by working my own program, including taking my own inventory and maintaining my own sobriety. The rest of the Serenity Prayer gives me guidelines for living my own life.

Serenity Prayer
By Reinhold Niebuhr

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

  • What distressing issues in your life are not within your control? Are you willing to turn them over to God?
  • Is there anything that you have been trying to control without success? Write about whether it is within your area of stewardship or not.
  • Choose something that you need to work on in your own life and seek guidance on how to approach it.  Make a plan.

Avoid Becoming Vulnerable – Don’t get HALT or BENT

Working the Program,

Halt Bent Acronyms graphicWhen I am stressed, my natural tendency is to turn to my addiction for comfort.  If I am aware that I am stressed – or likely to become stressed – I can prepare myself so that I will be less likely to give in to temptation. But sometimes I don’t recognize the indicators that I am becoming stressed or the signs along the path warning me that I am likely to get stressed.

HALTIn Overeaters Anonymous and other 12 Step fellowships there is an acronym that can help keep in the forefront of my mind some of the types of situations that are likely to make me vulnerable to my addiction. The acronym is HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If I become too hungry, angry, lonely or tired I will be more likely to act out – to indulge in my addictive behaviors.  Why would being hungry (or angry or lonely or tired) make me, as a compulsive eater, want to eat uncontrollably, or make any addict want to indulge in their addiction? I don’t know, but it does.  Don’t believe it? Observe your own behavior.  How do you behave when you find yourself in one of these states?

BENTYears ago I observed that there is another mental state that can cause the same vulnerability: boredom.  This sent me on a quest for a new acronym, one that would cover the HALT items, but also include a letter B.  This is what I came up with: BENT, which stands for Bored, Emotional, Needy, Tired.  When I am bored, emotional, needy or tired, I have a tendency to become vulnerable to my addictive behavior.  So, I try not to let myself become BENT, and if I recognize that I am, I take steps to protect myself from that vulnerability by using one or more of the tools of the program. (See my posts on TOOLS).

  • Do you become vulnerable when you are HALT or BENT?
  • What can you do to protect yourself from becoming HALT or BENT?
  • What can you do to keep from acting out if you find yourself HALT or BENT?

 

I Am Powerless: Step 1 Reflections

Working the Program,

Mom and Dad holding handsMy parents have just moved into a skilled nursing facility for long-term care near my brother’s home, in a city far from where I live. As I have been visiting with them I have found myself reflecting on what it means to be powerless. I have previously had the opportunity to experience and embrace powerlessness in other aspects of my life, both large and small, but this has presented a new, and in some ways deeper and more difficult experience with powerlessness.

My mother just turned 88 and she suffers from Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. She was falling frequently while in their senior independent living apartment. She is doing better with her walker now that she is here, and hopefully she will not fall anymore.  I praise God that she didn’t break anything.  She is physically quite healthy, but gets confused sometimes, and struggles for words frequently. When she realizes that she has been confused she berates herself and feels guilty. It is very hard to see her suffer emotionally like this, and at times there is nothing I can do to comfort or console her.

My father is 92 and in perfect mental health, but his body is giving out on him.  For a man who has lived his whole life with complete self-sufficiency, this is very challenging. He had been the primary caregiver to my mother until his body started giving out on him.  It is very difficult for him to see her so confused. He feels badly for me and my brother that we have to see them both like this.

Neither of my parents have any belief in God or in an afterlife. It is hard to comfort someone who has no belief beyond this life and this world.  I have been a member of the Church for many years and all of my words of comfort and my sources of peace are related to my faith.  I know that the Lord is the source of any and all power that I have in my life, and that he has control over all things – including my parents, their health, and their future.  They have lived a good life of laughter and service and accomplishment. He loves them. But they don’t know it, refuse to believe it and don’t want to hear about it.

So, I am powerless. I am powerless to share my hope of the resurrection and eternal life. I am powerless to ease their pain or restore their health.

On the other hand, there are some things over which I do have power. I can turn them over to the Lord and his tender mercy and care.  I can serve them to the best of my ability without doing for them what they can do for themselves.  I can talk to them, ask them questions, smooth the path before them, and advocate for them. Most importantly, I can love them.

  • What situation in your life are you powerless over?
  • What do you have power over in this situation?
  • What are you willing to do?
  • When will you do it?

 

 

 

Growth: Learning to Sandbag or Moving to Higher Ground

Metaphor, Working the Program,

House on the seashoreSuppose my home is on the coast. There are beautiful views of the ocean.  I enjoy the sea breezes. I love hearing and watching the gulls. I have lived there a long time and I am comfortable there. The only problem is that my home is subject to repeated floods, and they seem to be getting more frequent. The floods make a mess! Sometimes I have to clean furniture and replace carpet. Other times it is worse and I have to replace furniture and appliances and tear out wallboard and repaint.

The first few times I was surprised and totally unprepared for the flooding. Now when I find out that a storm is coming I take precautions, and sometimes I succeed in avoiding damage from the flood.  That is growth. I move furniture and boxes out of harm’s way. I board up the windows. I start filling sandbags from a big pile of sand in my backyard and build a sandbag wall to protect my home.  Often my friends come over to help me. I have become an excellent sandbag engineer. But sandbagging doesn’t always work.  It depends on the storm.

At some point, when I become tired of sandbagging, repainting, replacing and otherwise dealing with the aftermath of the flooding, I may decide that it is time to rebuild on higher ground. I might just be able to find a spot that still gives me the view and the sea breeze and the gulls, without the floods.  I may feel sad to leave my little house. Perhaps I have great memories there and neighbors I enjoy. But the time may come that the pain of the repeated flooding is worse than the pain of moving and I become willing to do it. That is an indication of growth.

Sometimes our personal lives resemble my house on the coast.  The same circumstances or events keep happening to us over and over again. We may learn to better handle the events, perhaps by turning them over to God.  But sometimes we may need to make a significant change so that we are no longer subject to those events.

On page 7 of He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, Colleen Harrison says, “I am familiar with a saying: When the pain of the problem gets worse than the pain of the solution we’ll be ready to change.” Moving to higher ground may be painful, but when the pain of continual recurrent flooding becomes worse than the pain of moving, we will become willing to make the move.

  • What does the flooding represent in your life?
  • How have you been handling it?
  • Are you ready to “move to higher ground” (look for a better solution)?
  • What options do you have?
  • What are you willing to do?
  • When will you do it?

 

 

Staying Abstinent: Using the Tools – Part 4

Tools, Working the Program, , ,

Tools of the ProgramThis is Part 4 of my series on Using the Tools.  I have described four more tools in this post that I have found useful in overcoming the temptation to use substances or behaviors that keep me from becoming the person I want to be.  In the previous posts in this series I have written about the following tools: Prayer and Meditation, Meetings, Service, Sponsorship, Telephone Calls, Writing, Music, Program Literature, Scriptures and Talks, a Plan of Abstinence, a Breathing Exercise, and Going to Bed. In this post I will cover Visualization, God Box, Fasting, and the ARP website. You can see all of the posts that have to do with tools by clicking on “Tools” in the list of categories in the right column on this page. As far as I know right now, this completes the list, but since I embrace new tools whenever someone shares them with me, someday there might be a Part 5!

Visualization

If you cannot imagine what your life would look like if you abstained from your bad habits or addictive behaviors, it is hard to make a better choice.  Kimberly Schneider taught me to say “Who do I want to be in this moment, and what would she do?”  I have found that question to be an incredibly powerful tool. At first I thought of someone I wanted to be like and asked myself the question.  It helped me to imagine what that person would do in the same situation and then make that choice.  Over time, I learned to visualize what I would be like if I developed the habits and qualities I was striving for and this question helped me to make the choice that would be consistent with the person I was trying to become.

God Box

When you find yourself worrying or obsessing about something over which you have no control, irritated or annoyed by some large or small quirk or perceived offense, or having to stand by and watch as a loved one struggles with something he or she must master without your assistance, often the most effective thing to do is to make a decision to let go and turn the situation over to God.  This may be easier said than done, and making a “God Box” (or “God Can” or “God Bag”) may help.

Write the matter down on a piece of paper and, as a physical symbol of the act of “turning it over to God”, put the piece of paper in the “God Box.”  Then, if you find yourself worrying about it again, or trying to take back responsibility for solving the problem yourself, you will have to make a decision: either remind yourself that it has been turned over to God and let Him handle it, or take the piece of paper out of the box and tell God that you are going to work on this one yourself.  It is amazing how such a simple thing can make such a big difference.  It is also an awesome experience to read back over the slips of paper and realize how well God has handled the things that were so worrisome in the past.

Just to save you some time, let me assure you that it has been my observation over many years of sharing this tool with others that it does not work if you only do it in your mind.  You must physically write the problem down on a piece of paper and put it in a container of some sort. Trust me on this.

Fasting

When we need more spiritual power than we seem to have, the best power source available to us is the Lord – through His power of the Atonement, or grace.  Brad Wilcox says, “…Grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source… Grace is not achieved somewhere down the road. It is received right here and right now. It is not a finishing touch; it is the Finisher’s touch.”

A very effective way to humble ourselves so that we can receive more of that power is fasting.  When we fast we are deliberately putting our physical needs aside and acknowledging our need for and dependence upon God.  This helps us to humble ourselves, get in tune with the Lord, and become more willing and able to receive his power.

ARP Website

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has developed a wonderful Addiction Recovery Program website with many features and great content for the support of those who are trying to overcome addictive behavior.  It also has a section for family members and loved ones and another section for priesthood leaders.  There are videos of people who have found recovery, telling their stories. There is content that discusses the nature of addictive behavior from a gospel perspective.  There are podcasts of twelve full LDS 12-Step recovery meetings – one for each of the steps. If you haven’t been to an LDS Addiction Recovery Program meeting, or if you need a meeting and there isn’t one available when and where you need it, listening to one of those podcasts is a great option.

  • I have listed seventeen tools is the four parts of this series. Which ones have you tried?
  • Which ones that you have not tried sound interesting to you?
  • Will you commit to trying them? By when?
  • Which tools work best for you?
  • Write about how using the tools helps you to make better choices when you are stressed and/or tempted.

 

Change: The AADWAR Process

Working the Program, , , , , , ,

AADWAR AcronymIn Steps 6 and 7 we become entirely ready to have God remove our character weaknesses and then we ask Him, humbly, to do it.  So then what?  Do we just expect Him to wave a magic wand and, poof, our character weaknesses are gone?  No.  Part of becoming entirely ready is getting to the point where we are willing to do the footwork He gives us to develop the new positive habits and behaviors that will take the place of the negative ones.  I become a co-creator with God as I create the new me, just like Jesus was a co-creator with God as He created the world.

I have observed that there is a process we go through to implement change in our lives.  I call it the AADWAR process, which is an acronym for Awareness, Acceptance, Desire, Willingness, Action, Results.

Awareness: “Something needs to change.”

Awareness is the first step of the change process.  Nothing will change in my life until I make a decision to change it. I am not going to make a decision to change something unless I know it is a problem!  I can become aware of things that need to change as I read, study, and pray with a humble heart. If I listen with an open mind to others share in meetings and at Church the Spirit will tell me how to apply what I hear to my life. My loved ones will also bring opportunities for change to my attention if I am willing to listen to the message instead of reacting to the method of delivery.

Acceptance: “This really does apply to me now.”

I am sure each of us could make a list of habits or behaviors we “know” we need to change, but have not done anything about.  I certainly have a few of those items.  Acceptance is an important part of the change process.  When I go from thinking “I should make this change” to thinking “I will make this change” I have found acceptance.  Acceptance may be triggered by the pain caused by my dysfunctional old behavior or by a prompting or confirmation from the Holy Ghost.  Often times pride is the reason I struggle with acceptance.

Desire: “I have a vision of what I want to be like.”

Just because I know what I need to change does not mean that I have a desire to do the work necessary to get there, especially if I don’t know what my new replacement habits or behavior will look like!  When I can visualize what my life will be like having made this change, and develop a desire for that new lifestyle strong enough to motivate me to actually make it happen, I have taken a powerful step toward getting there. Once I have the desire I ask the Lord what I need to do.  He gives me work to do, actions to take, a “roadmap” to get me from where I am to where I want to be.

Willingness: “I am willing to act.”

Sometimes, despite having a strong desire for the new life that a certain change will bring, I cannot overcome my fear or reluctance to take the necessary action.  Until I become willing to do the footwork, nothing will change! Praying for willingness is very effective. There are times when I choose not to pray for willingness, because I know that if I do pray for it, the Lord will give it to me, and I don’t want to do it!  There is a difference between having a desire for the new behavior to be a part of my life, and being willing to do the work necessary to get there. When I cannot make myself pray for willingness, I may be able to get myself to pray for the willingness to be willing. I know that sounds silly, but it really does work.

Action: “I do the footwork.”

Once I have become willing, I start to implement the plan the Lord gave me.  I may be scared out of my wits, but I do it anyway, as Susan Jeffers says in Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway. I may feel uncertain about whether I am doing it “right” but I remind myself that I am after “progress, not perfection,” as the AA/Al-Anon slogan says. I don’t let perfectionism keep me in a state of procrastination. And most importantly, I focus on doing the footwork, not on what the results will look like, because I am not in control of the results.

Results: “Up to God”

Letting go of the results is one of the hardest parts about the change process. In the past I started with the results I wanted and worked backwards to figure out how and what to change. Unfortunately, I was frequently frustrated and disappointed because it rarely turned out the way I had envisioned it.  Now I know that the results are up to God.  The results are up to God! Actually, this is a relief, when you think about it.  God knows what I need far better than I do. He is capable of bringing other resources to bear to help me achieve my full potential.  If I can let go of what the results look like and trust Him, I am always amazed at what he can do with my cooperation, which is necessary, because the Lord will not take away my agency.

One trick I use to let go of the results is to make a decision to search for the blessings in the results the Lord has given me.  When I see them, and embrace them, and write about them, and express gratitude for them, I begin to “own” them. Eventually they become a part of my life and I see that God’s vision of my life is even better than mine.

  • What needs to change in your life?
  • Where are you in the AADWAR process?
  • What are you willing to do to progress?